Update

[Inara]

To My IHD Family:

Two months ago, I started a thread in a state of complete despair.  I've read and re-read everyone's response....hoping and praying that I wouldn't be shunned for a moment of weakness.....

I've found that nothing but kindness and understanding exist on this site.  No judgment, no condemnation...just understanding and a feeling of friendship and family.  I thank you all, my friends.  I mean that with all my heart. 

So, I feel I owe you all an overview of what happened that horrible night....*deep breathe*, here goes:  I attempted suicide that night.  Not once, but three times.  It was the worst night of my life.  After two failed attempts of overdosing (over a 12 hour period), I decided to start drinking some alcohol and ended up being found trying to jump in front of a train.  I thank God that I was found by the police before one came by.  I know when the trains come through town...there was one 10 minutes out....I wasn't kidding.  I had every intention of taking my life.  And I was angry I didn't succeed!!

(On the upside, I can't decide if I'm more horrified of revealing that information to y'all OR being found by the police in my husband's "Bazooka Joe" pj bottoms and my South Park "Respect my Authority" t-shirt.  Either way, I'm just glad I was wearing clothes...and YES I was wearing clean undies per my mother's instructions!  lol)

Moving on:

The fact that I'd started taking note of the train schedule and stockpiling meds "just in case" should have been a warning bell for me, but I was in such emotional distress, I dismissed it. 

I had been going downhill for months, but I hid it.  I considered it a weakness.  I considered myself a bad person, a bad nurse, a bad mother, a bad wife/daughter/granddaughter/sister, and a bad friend/caregiver.  I felt such shame for harboring the thoughts and feelings I was having. 

To bottom this:  I'm just a normal person.  I was overwhelmed.  You can only take so much before you break.  (For those who don't know my situation, I'm a dialysis nurse, primary caregiver of a dialysis patient/best friend, have a daughter and my best friend's daughter to care for, a much-neglected husband, recent death of my grandfather, care for my demented grandmother, and broke my leg a few months ago....it hasn't been a great year for me)

If you see a loved one struggling, offer to listen.  Offer to assist.  Don't dismiss them.  If you have a "gut feeling"....go with it...press the topic over time.  Then hold them when they break down and cry.  You just might save their life.  In retrospect, I know I threw out clues I was hurting beyond my coping abilities, but no one bothered to ask me if I was okay.  If only ONE person had asked me how I was, I know I would have reached out for help instead of...well, you all know what I did now....

I was, quite literally, minutes from death because no one would listen.  All I needed was someone to talk to, someone to be honest with about my emotions.  At the moment, I'm paying a therapist to be that person for me, and that's OKAY!!! 

I live in a town with 6 stoplights.  I have no resources for support other than IHD, my continuing education, my inquisitive mind, and the internet.  I can't help but identify with people who are socioeconomically repressed/illiterate/without internet access. 
 

Thank you all, again, for your understanding.  Much love for my IHD family!!!!!

Inara.

[rose1999]

Oh Inara my heart breaks to read this, to think of you being so lost and lonely in your despair.  I am so glad you were found by the Police. Thank you for sharing this with us, it must have taken a lot of courage to tell us all this but don't doubt for a moment our love for you. 

It is good to know you have now turned the corner, remember we are here to support, laugh, cry, yell and anything else you need to do with us.  This is the best site ever for support, I know as I've had a lot over the last few months in particular.

Your IHD family loves you 
Love
Rose xx

[okarol]

Inara,
It took a lot of courage to share your struggle and I hope you continue to post. We are listening.
 

[Jean]

Oh, Inara, I am so sorry you had to go thru all of that. 

[Ang]

many  thanks  for  being  so  open  and  honest,glad  to  see  that  hopefully  you've  come  out  the  otherside and on  the improve.

my  phillosophy  is  that  people  out  there  are  worse  off  than  me,

never  got  to  the  depths  you  did,

my  family  needs  me,not  sure  why :urcrazy;but  i  know  they  need  me  as  much  as  i  need  them

find  something  to  sink  your  teeth  into(occupy  your  time)

cheers &  good  luck

[Des]

Inara,

I am very glad you shared your experience with us. It must have taken a lot of courage.

But ... please know that we are here for you if you ever need to talk.

 

[monrein]

Inara, I too am very happy that you came out of that horrible evening.  Your experience and the way you have described it to us here is very moving and there are so many who reach the point you did through desperation, and as you so rightly point out, limited access to resources in tough emotional times.
You deserve much credit for all that you do for others and now also for the compassion you are allowing yourself.   

[willowtreewren]

My dear friend,

Please know that we are here for you. When we share our weaknesses they are diminished and when we share our strength it grows.

Much love,

Aleta

 

[looneytunes]

Inara, you are one great person.  In this crazy world there are too few like you.  Sharing your story with others took a lot of courage and you never know who might read it and be strengthened by it. 

I am so glad you are getting the support you need now from your therapist and hope you never feel that overwhelmed again! 

Hugs to you. 

[willieandwinnie]

  Inara. Thank you for telling us your story, your are such a strong women. If you get that overwhelmed feeling again, please come here and tell us. Please give okarol your contact information because we won't hestitate to notify somebody that our family member needs help and support. We are so glad that you are a member of our group and we admire everything that you do. Use that therapist to the fullest extent. Keep us updated on how you are doing. 

[billybags]

Inara, What can I say, you are such a brave, caring person. To share these things with us makes me feel quite humble. You have gone through so much and yes a caring "how are you" would have helped. I think a lot of people who are carers get left at the way side, we are "just there".  We need a friend to ask us how we are, to ask us how we are coping, its hard, because we have needs as well. I really hope you are getting all the help that you need now. God spared you for a reason. You take good care of your self. Lots of hugs and kisses.

[paris]

How incredibly brave you are to share your life with us.  You touched my heart, made me cry, made me smile but mostly I rejoice that you are here to tell your story.  Thank you for trusting us and I hope you know how much we all care about you.  We may be friends on the internet, but we are all here 24/7 for each other.   You are a very stong, incredible woman.  I am glad you have a place to go, just for you to talk.   Take care     

[kitkatz]

I am glad you are getting the help and support you need. 

[Hanify]

Wow.  Good on you for being so open about it.  It';s a great step in the right direction to share your feelings.  Keep posting!

[kimcanada]

I am glad you "failed"  By sharing your story you are in turn helping someone else , you are an amazing person 

[aharris2]

Thank God indeed for that police officer and welcome back from the edge. We are always here for you, always no matter what.
 

[del]

I'm glad you failed too!!  Thank goodness the police found you , even if it was in your pj's.    Next time if people don't ask how you are doing tell them anyway until they listen!!  glad you shared your story with us.  Take care.   

[Inara]

Thanks to you all for your responses....I agonized over my update for weeks. 

I'm none of things said here....I'm not courageous or strong or brave.  I have the same insecurities as anyone.  I posted this update, then spent the rest of the night puking my guts out because I was so scared after bearing my soul.   

All I want to do is to let others know that there IS help out there.  Reach out for it before you get to the point I was!!! 

I'd like to truly believe I'll be okay.  I'm in therapy, on the correct medications....no matter what your situation is, suicide is rarely the answer. 

LOL del....yes, I must admit it wasn't the high point of my life being found in my jammies by the police....but at least they were very kind and sweet about it (and kinda hot, to boot!)

Thanks again to you all.   

[Inara]

Whoops!!!  Trying to correct a grammatical error....didn't mean to post again!  lol....

[Jean]

After all is said and done, we are so glad you are still here with us. And, BTW, dont worry about being in your pjs when the folks got to you. Most heart attack patients initially go to the hospital either covered in vomit, or with a load in their pants. Now that is embarrassing!!!!!

[nursewratchet]

SO glad you are alright, and that you "failed" your attempt.  Nurse to Nurse, you know as well as I do that there are MANY easy and foolproof ways to kill yourself.  The fact that you "failed" says you just need some help, and some venting, not wanting to die.  Everyone is here, and always aks for help, wherevever you can find it.   

[paul.karen]

   (glad you here to tell your story)
 

[del]

LOL del....yes, I must admit it wasn't the high point of my life being found in my jammies by the police....but at least they were very kind and sweet about it (and kinda hot, to boot!)

hey better to be found anyway at all as long as you were alive!!!     I'm glad you are here to tell your story too!!!   

[Jessmomto3]

I too am so glad that you didn't succeed.  I'm also glad that you are getting help.  As caregivers we have to remember that we have to make sure our immediate needs are taken care of.  If not, we can't be of any help to anyone.  Please make sure you are taking time for yourself.  I know sometimes that's so much easier said than done.  But, take a minute to take care of you.  Whether that means taking a warm bath or watching a favorite show.  Remember you are a great person and you deserve a little extra special care too.   

[pelagia]

wishing you the best