Ex-boyfriend wants to give me a kidney.

[Lucinda]

My ex-boyfriend wants to have tests done to see if he can give me a kidney.  I already know we are the same blood type.  He knows I don't want a transplant but he said that if anything ever happened to me that was lifethreatening that he would like me to have the comfort in knowing there was a kidney there ready to go just in case.  I have bad veins so he thinks I will have problems with my access.

Problem is, my husband would be absolutely 100 percent against it.  Even though my ex and I are still very close - more like brother and sister - he would think it was really inappropriate. I must admit, to know that I have a safety net if I ever need one is very reassuring.   My ex simply put it to me that .....You still own a part of my heart so you may as well have a whole one of my kidneys.  He said it would be an absolute honour to contribute to my life and wellbeing and as he has no children who are dependent on him that it is not a hard decision to make.

I wouldn't want to do it behind my husband's back but I wonder what he would do if he were in the same position.  I would really appreciate some thoughts on this.  xxxx

[RichardMEL]

Gee tough one Lucinda. I can see both sides of this.

It sounds like your ex is sincere with his wishes (and remember that should any donation proceed, part of it will be a psych evaluation - including potential motives and so on, and that will involve all of you considering the situation) and that is a wonderful offer to have - specially from an ex who could have every reason to NOT want to do something like that for you!

The angle perhaps that you might want to take with hubby is that kidneys are as rare as hens teeth, and if the ex is a decent match for you (as in HLA matches, not just blood group), then that is definitely an option you should consider (if you should decide to go down that path, since right now you don't want to - but you may well change your mind!!! ). Specially if hubby or no other relatives/friends are a match.

Just two days ago I was at a Kidney transplantation seminar put on by the renal unit here and they put emphasis on the obvious benefits of a live donation over cadaveric - obviously the kidney will not be in a distressed state, and won't be packed in ice and flown (potentially) from one end of the country to the other, and the time between it being extracted and put in can be measured in minutes rather than many hours. Proper plans and preparation can be made for the donation by a schedule that suits everyone, and everyone can be prepared for what they need to do.

I also believe at the end of the day that as with pregnancy issues (like abortion, etc) it is YOUR body and you should get the final say what happens - if you go for a transplant or not, and if you decide to take a donated organ from whoever you like. If YOU feel comfortable that the offer is totally altruistic and that the ex wants nothing more than to help you have a more normal life than what is bad about that?

I think it is beautiful what the ex said to you and shows a special sort of person to want to do that. Hopefully, should you seriously want to go down this path in the future, your husband can see that and apprieciate it for what it is - since if it did come to pass he could really reap the benefits of a Lucinda with full energy and no restrictions!!!!

Well that's my two cents....

[Wallyz]

I would encourage you to turn it down, because he has said that it is intended to stay close and get closer to you- you see it as brother/ sister, he's still hoping.


Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage for a kidney?   This is what happens when you do not maintain good boundaries around your relationship with your spouse.  This guy is trying to get past those boundaries to get closer to you.  Your husband knows this and is trying to fend him  off.

[RichardMEL]

Hey Wallyz - That's an interesting perspective. I can definitely see that point of view. I guess Lucinda would know in her heart if he was being legitimate or it may be a ploy for something more. As I said in my response I'm sure the relationship situation would come under scrutiny by the psych evaluation part of things because I know motivation, specially in non-related,non-spouse donations, is considered.

Of course the real issue here (I think) is not so much what the ez may hope to gain by doing something like this (by that I mean gain more than the feeling of doing something wonderful/special for Lucinda) - it's how Lucinda might handle something like that. I mean the other side of the coin here is that if hubby wasn't happy with the proposed deal does that suggest he does not trust Lucinda? If the relationship between Lucinda and her hubby was rock solid then surely he would have no reason to worry about what an ex does or wants, because he would know that Lucinda wouldn't ever "go there."

I get the feeling from what Lucinda posted that she feels the intent of the ex is sincere enough. The other thing we don't know is how they parted or even if the ex is involved with someone else now (and if so, how they may feel about the offer). Lucinda?

I know if I could give a gift like that to a select couple of ex-girlfriends of mine (some special ladies dear to me) I would.. but that doesn't mean I'd be wanting anything else from them other than the feeling that I'd done something good for someone I cared about. Even more so if they were involved with someone new - doubly so if they were married.

[okarol]

Interesting dilemma. If you really want a transplant then I think you explore many scenarios. As mentioned, a good kidney is hard to find. But to even begin the evaluation process you would have to encounter insecurity from your husband, and that ultimately could be a wedge between you if you decided to go forward with this without his blessing. It seems to me that your husband would want to give you the best chance for health, but feels threatened by having your ex-boyfriend's organ in you (hehehe) and there's not much you can do about that if you want peace in your home. It's interesting that your husband doesn't object to you having a brother/sister type friendship now. Is he friends with you ex too?

[twirl]

if this was turned around and your husband needed a kidney from an ex- what would you think
I think you should take it, kidneys and donors are not easy to come by

[Lucinda]

Thanks everyone. I will clear a couple of issues up that I didn't include.  Yes, the ex is in another relationship and has been since we broke up over five years ago.  He is just one of the really genuinely nice Irish lads.  And no, I don't think his girlfriend would be thrilled with he idea.

As for my husband, he and my ex have very little to do with each other. The ex and I would like us all to be friends but neither of our partners wants that.  On the opposite side of the coin, my husband has five ex-wives and the expectation is that I am friendly with all of them for the sake of his kids.  There were children in all the relationships bar one.  I don't have a problem with that.  If he were in my position and I didn't have a kidney problem I would be the first to offer him a kidney.  But he would never consider doing that.

I think he judges me the way he has behaved. He left one wife for another woman, married the other woman and after two years went back to the previous wife - and nine months later back to the other wife again.  He probably thinks I will do the same with the ex but there is absolutely no way.  We have both moved on.

I don't think I have ever mentioned how I found out about my kidney problem.  I was working for a doctor and a friend of mine had a kidney problem and I asked him about being a donor.  Because we had renal problems in our family the doctor I worked for suggested doing some bloods and that is how I found out.  Donating an organ I didn't need is something I would do in a heartbeat and I think my ex is the same.

It is not something I have to decide in a hurry.  I will see how I go with the dialysis and then maybe take a look at it then.   In reality, it probably just wouldn't be worth the grief and as I have posted many times, I am happy to work with dialysis rather than look at having a transplant.  But as I always say......never say never.   

[petey]

Lucinda,
RichardMel said it all -- donor kidneys are as rare as hen's teeth.  I say take him up on the offer -- if you decide you want a transplant.  If your hubby doesn't understand how a transplant can make your life and health better (better than dialysis, in MY opinion -- just my opinion), then I think I'd really be worried.  If you decide not to accept the ex's offer and later decide to pursue a kidney transplant, does hubby want to approve of that donor, too?

If you don't want the ex to be tested for you, would he consider giving a kidney to my husband, Marvin?  We'd take one from just about anyone...just kidding!  No, wait, I'm not kidding!  Do you know how many people are waiting and would love to have a living donor step forward?  Even though we think dialysis is going quite well for Marvin, we still hope and pray for another transplant.  If any of Marvin's old girlfriends came forward with an offer like this, I'd be grateful and more than willing to accept.

[flip]

I would like to give my ex wife one of mine.

[kitkatz]

I would grab it in a heartbeat!

[kellyt]

I would like to give my ex wife one of mine.

You're bad!!!                               Funny, but bad!   

[kitkatz]

I would knock my husband over and run like hell as fast as I could to get the kidney, even if it was from an ex boyfriend!

[okarol]

I would knock my husband over and run like hell as fast as I could to get the kidney, even if it was from an ex boyfriend!

but would you TRADE your hubby for one?

[jbeany]

Tough choice - your health or the health of your marriage.  My health problems ended my marriage, so I'm not sure what I'd choose. . .

[flip]

If I had known years ago, I would have asked for one of her kidneys in the "equal distribution of assets".

[petey]

I've already given Marvin one of my kidneys, and his doctors won't let me give him the other one (boo hiss).  But, Marvin has a standing offer for both of my ovaries if he ever wants one (he says no).

I would knock my husband over and run like hell as fast as I could to get the kidney, even if it was from an ex boyfriend!

but would you TRADE your hubby for one?

If she wants it (kidney from ex) and hubby says no just because of who it's from, then, yes, I'd trade him for it -- in a skinny, damn minute!

[kellyt]

I can understand how this would be a difficult decision for some, but my husband is extremely secure in our love and I don't think he'd hesitate to second to call my ex personally and thank him with all his heart.  It might eat him up, but he'd be willing to swallow his pride for my life, I'd think.

Keeping in mind I dated my ex a long time ago and not just before meeting my husband.

It truly is a difficult decision.  Good Luck with the outcome!   

[Romona]

I'd trade my husband for some M&M's.  Just kidding. He is worth some peanut butter cups too.

[kellyt]

I'd trade my husband for some M&M's.  Just kidding. He is worth some peanut butter cups too.

I love and appreciate my husband with all my heart, but there are days I think "How      can I fake my death?"

mmmmm, M & M's....

[Lilu323]

Hi Lucinda,
The following is not to offend or disrespect anyone. Your husband if he truly loves you and is confident and trustworthy of your relationship with him he would NOT have a problem for your x to give you a kidney. I think he is being pretty selfish. I was in the same situation. My boyfriend hated and I mean HATED my x but he said that if I asked my x to donate he would be okay with it because he loved me to much to see me suffer through dialysis. In the end it was my boyrfriend that donated the kidney to me. It broke my heart when it rejected and I winded up in dialysis anyway but I knew how much he loved me bc he would have allowed my x to donate if he was a match. I think its ridiculous not to talk to x's or their new lovers. Unless of course something happened. If someone truly loves you and sees you suffering they will do anything for you or be involved in hard situations for you. I mean we are not talking about going on a trip or something trivial ..we are talking about saving someone's life or not have them suffer through dialysis.

[kellyt]

Okay...I asked my husband what he'd do and now I have to recant my earlier statement.  Man, you think you know somebody...   

Actually, he said it would really depend on the situation.  I mean the past relationship with said ex and how close we were, etc. etc.  He thinks the same as some of you in that obviously the realationship between the donor and recipient would change and deepen (I agree).  He did say it would be a very tough decision.  And then he said "Dialysis wouldn't be so bad.   ha ha ha ha ha"      Jerk.

It's your life.  Life being the key word.   Again, good luck!

[lola]

Lucinda, what a position to be in. If one of Otto's x's wanted to give him a kidney I'd be OK with it. Now Otto on the other side might have some jealousy issues. Have I told ya lately how glad I am that your back? 

[monrein]

I think my husband might encourage me to have an affair if it meant that the chosen lover would give me a kidney.  He might want to see blood work and test results first (you could call it a pre-condition) but if it would get me healthy and back to wilderness canoe trips with him, heck he might divorce me and marry the guy himself.

I'm just joking of course but your situation is a very tricky one Lucinda, and makes me think of a famous quote by a French writer, Blaise Pascal.  "The heart has its reasons, which reason cannot know."

Emotion often overpowers logic especially in relationship matters and sorting out the two can't really be a rush job.

[Lucinda]

Thanks again everyone.  I think I will put the decision on hold a while.  Gutless I know.  I know if the position were reversed, I would give him a kidney in a heartbeat but we all know that decision is not for everyone.  Mind you, if he were in my position if I didn't give him one, he has five ex-wives to choose from!!!  It just makes me laugh that the expectation is that I am friendly with all his ex's for the sake of all the kids yet my ex is off limits his logic being that we don't have to see each other because there are no kids involved.  Not entirely true.  My oldest dog was my ex's as well and I am sure he would still like to see her occasionally.  I can't remember if I have put this in another post but he judges me by his own behaviour.  He left every wife he has been with for another woman and one of his wives he left, married someone else, went back to the previous wife and then back to the next wife again.  I know what you are thinking.  No......I didn't find that out until well after we were married.  The kids told me!!!  As for his matrimonial addiction, I am pretty sure I am last in line.  The ex and his offer are not going anywhere so I will start dialysis see how I go and then make the decision a little further down the track.  I really appreciate all your help though.  Thanks again everyone.  If it hadn't been for the support on this site I wouldn't even be thinking about making this decision.  As some of you might remember, like lola, I wasn't even going to start any form of treatment.    Everyone here was instrumental in helping me through those dark days.....especially gorgeous Susie....and of course my darling RichardMel...and I have realised that that you should never shut the door to your options.  My ex's offer is yet another option and I am going to leave that door wide open. xxxx 

[kellyt]

    Here's to doing what's best for you, whatever that may be!   You know we're behind you!!!