A rant, it's long and personal

[okarol]

My sister wrote the following rant on her blog - entitled "this is a vanity bitch - you may want to pass"
Yes, I copied and pasted, with her permission, because it expresses pretty much everything I feel.
Here it is:

By a few days, my Mom is 73 years old.

She was diagnosed with and treated for non Hodgkin's lymphoma a couple years ago. Right about the time they were to start chemo, she fell and broke her leg in two places - one spot being her knee -so treatment was delayed while her leg was healing. Very active up to that point, Mom was super stubborn and really chafed at the inactivity of her broken leg. She didn't stay off it like she was instructed to and because of her situation at home, was up and trying to care for herself nearly the entire time. Her knee did not heal as well as it would have had she followed the doctor's instructions. She also did not do well with the chemo and has never seemed to physically recover completely from the entire ordeal. I have to say though, part of it is because she is lazy and won't fight to get her mobility back. She is overweight to the point of being obese, diabetic, does not eat properly and snacks all the time. A lifelong smoker, has continued to semi closet smoke even after being diagnosed/treated for cancer. She is also a recovering alcoholic, sober 20+ years (I am so proud of her for that accomplishment).

She is my Mom and despite her stupid moments, (plus the fact that she provided my sisters, brother and I a childhood pretty close to a living hell) and her bad lifestyle choices, I love her anyway. It took me a lot of my life to get to the point where I could let a lot of the crap go (including getting past her selfish and abusive nature, not expecting a lot or letting her put me in a position where she could hurt me) and just love her because she was my Mom.

But now, I doubt her sanity.

During routine checkups, a "hot" spot was discovered on her lung. She has a biopsy scheduled early in October so we sit tight until then. Based on what they find, necessary treatment will start again. Yesterday, I called her house.  I was informed by her "boyfriend" that she was napping.

Let me say a little about this "boyfriend"... she has been with him since the late 1960's as close as I can remember. In 1974, he moved into my Mom's house with my Mom, my brother and I. I ran away from home a few months later and never looked back. Luckily for my sisters, they had already moved out by that point. I have never seen him hold a job. He had some brush with fame in the 60's-70's for his custom car building skills. Occasionally, he would do concrete work but he never had a real go to work everyday job. My mother, with a career of housekeeping, has supported him for most of his adult life. He has never contributed to the household on an ongoing basis. According to my Mom, he has a safe deposit box somewhere with quite a large stash in it. He doesn't pay for anything - my Mom even gives him money to get his hair cut. There is a lifetime of other issues with this guy as well, and without going into them, let me just say that he is not held in high regard by any of us. For some reason which is unfathomable to us, my Mom loves this man.

He is a chain smoker... and I mean chain. He holds court in my Mom's living room and constantly smokes hand rolled, unfiltered cigarettes. My Mom's house smells like an old ashtray.When I phoned yesterday, I asked him to not smoke in my Mom's house anymore. I tried to stay calm and non accusatory (even though I wanted to scream at him that he was an asshole and is probably killing her) and reason with him that she must quit smoking now and he wasn't helping and was in fact most probably harming her. His answer? " I don't think I can do that".

I'm going to go into this further because I need a really good bitch session but right now the anger is fresh again. Just by writing what I have, I've stirred up a bunch of memories that are not pleasant. When I get pissed off like this, I don't communicate well.

I'll be back later.

continued....

I spoke to my Mom yesterday. She had called back the other night but we were at a Brewers game and I didn't hear my phone ringing. We talked about stuff, the basics. She told me about her biopsy again and what that will entail. I asked her if jerkwad had told her I called. She said he did - that was why she'd called me back.

me: ok, but did he tell you that I'd asked him to quit smoking?

mom: yes and please don't say anything like that to him again because he just turns around and jumps on me.

me: why he would do that?

mom: he says all you girls are blaming him for whats going on with me.

me: I never said any such thing. I told him that it would be impossible for you to quit smoking with him constantly blowing smoke in your face. I also told him that he wasn't helping your health and was probably hurting you as well. You know Mom, it hit me like a slap when he said he didn't think he could stop smoking in the house - he doesn't love you. He doesn't even care.

mom: I know

me: how the hell are you ok with that Mom? You've taken care of his dead ass for the past 40 years and this is the payback?

mom: well, I don't know what to do with him.

me: how about throwing his dead ass out on the street?

mom: but where would he go?

me: why do you give a shit? he doesn't care about you, why do you care where he goes or what he does? he has plenty of money, let him fend for himself.

mom: well, I need to get my living trust done and I won't be making any provisions for him to remain in the house because he doesn't maintain or take care of it in any fashion.

me: screw that part - the point is that if anything should happen to you, we'll need to sell the house to pay for your care and that's ok - that's what it's there for, to insure your security when you need it later - unfortunately, none of us are in a position to pay for that should the need arise. If we have to fight his dumb ass to get him out of there or fight any claims he may try to make against ownership of the house, it is going to make things a lot harder for us.

she then tries to lighten up the conversation about how she'll move in with me because I have an extra bedroom, etc., etc. I drop it then because I know my mom... when she starts trying to joke me out of a WTF moment, I know I've lost her attention and she is done talking about whatever uncomfortable subject I've brought up. You know....  look! a squirrel!!

my anger over this whole situation is because she is willing to settle. she has settled for less than a minimum amount of love and respect for 40+ years. I feel like she places no value on herself and doesn't have the spine to stand up for what is right and for what she deserves. she has had a tough life, widowed at 26 with 3 children and 7 months pregnant with her 4th. many years of alcoholism. she has done some things that while possibly forgivable, will never be forgotten. she has probably done some things that we'll never know about but those are her own personal dragons - she's either slain them or figured out how to live with them and not let them fry her in the process.

my siblings and I have beat this subject to death over the years. we don't get it and I doubt we ever will. what is it that keeps my mom enslaved by this horrible, unfulfilling, abusive, one-sided "relationship" she has with this jackass? fear of being alone? something else? we go round and round and still have no clue.

I'm glad I have my sisters and brother - they are my balance when I have a what the f*ck is wrong with her moment. I can't imagine trying to deal with the mess that is my mom all by myself. At least between the 4 of us, we can look at each other, shrug our shoulders and say beats the hell out of me.

I've run out of steam on this subject. I wish there really was a "he needed killing" law on the books. 5 cents of lead would solve the problem once and for all.
.....................

I have also looked at my siblings since my dad died and thought "They seem ok, I guess I am too." We all turned out to be pretty decent people.
My mom has a the lung biopsy scheduled for next Wednesday. I pray the news isn't bad.
How to cope with my mom's illness and her boyfriend and all the years of baggage remains to be seen.

[monrein]

What a powerful, articulate and moving post.  My Dad was a lifelong alcoholic who was sober only the last 8 years of his life.  I completely relate to the sky-high level of frustration with the lack of logic that possibly alcohol-damaged brain cells can generate.

Hugging both of you and your other sibs as you deal with an elderly Mom making poor choices.  Hope the mooch leaves.
      (one for each of you)


 

[pelagia]

Family baggage is always the heaviest.  Sorry to hear that you and your siblings have to carry this load. 

[Sluff]

My Father was an abusive alcoholic for all of my childhood. I even went through a few teenage years hating my Mother for staying with him. Back then that's what people did and I no longer feel that way. My Father made a complete turn around after a confrontation between him and I (that I won't go into details about) and his last 10 years he basically worshipped my Mother. Unfortunately I lost both of my parents to Lung Cancer, but I can relate to your sister and your story. It is just unbelievable how long ones childhood can affect their adult life.

[boxman55]

Your sister here in Milwaukee is holding on to a lot of stuff. As you probably are too. First, I pray that the upcoming test is negative. Second, your Mom mentioned that she is trying to get around to a living trust. Something needs to be official ASAP as you no doubt know. The last thing you all need is to fight "blockhead" over the house. My thoughts and prayers are with you...Boxman

[jbeany]

 

[Mimi]

Okarol, it behooves all of us to understand the bad choices others make.  If your Mom has lived with this man for 40 years, she is unlikely to kick him out now.  It sounds like she has had a hard life and in turn has made it hard on her children.  There are many things that our loved ones can
do that make it hard for us to forgive and impossible to forget.  The best you four siblings can do
for her now is to help her get her living will in order and anything else that needs to be resolved. 
If possible let her know that you love her in spite of the bad things of the past and that you will stick by her until the end.  As far as the man, just don't let him stand in your way of loving and
caring about your Mother.  This is a heartbreaking time for the four of you, with your Mom having
cancer and I will be saying prayers for you all and Mom, too.

Love, Mimi

[okarol]

I tell her I love her all the time.
Much of this is coming up because she's sick, and her boyfriend still wants her to cook and clean and take care of him.
She has always put him first, none of us really ever expect that to change.
I am glad my sister wrote that rant, it feels good just to dump it all out there! 

[Lucinda]

I am sorry you and your family are going through this.  I agree with Mimi that he is not going anywhere.  There is no way he will leave while your mother is paying for everything.  It is like kids these days.  Why leave home when you get everything at home for free.  Do get her to get her affairs in order though if only to protect her if she gets sick.  My father died this time last year from renal disease and he was very financially secure.  He left most of what he had to his girlfriend and her children (he was not their father) and nothing to my sister or me.  We are going through the whole legal battle and there is nothing worse.  Your mother should organise her will while she is feeling well otherwise the blockhead will be able to manipulate her as I believe my father's siblings did with him. Get her to do it and then lock it away.  She has looked after him all these years and she owes him absolutely nothing.  I hope her test goes well next week.  xxxx

[willieandwinnie]

  okarol. Get her to a lawyer fast. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. My Mom died when I was little and my Father gave me up and then went on to have another family never looking back. 

[Bajanne]

My goodness, Karol!!  This is certainly a gut-wrenching situation.  I do not claim to be able to begin to understand what you guys have gone through and are going through.  But I am amazed what a caring selfless person you have turned out to be!
I would hate to hear that &*(#&($*&(%&*(# ends up getting what belongs to you guys.  Don't let it go like that.  As the others have said, please do something immediately. Your IHD family is with you all the way.

[Joe Paul]

I hope the upcoming test is negative. I cant add to what the others have said, except that I wish you and your family well in your decision on what to do with the creep.   

[Sunny]

Your family has put up with a lot over the years. I am glad to know you have all been able to rise above it all.
I would think your mother needs to seriously consider getting her will completed considering the health issues she is facing. Her boyfriend is callous and unfeeling and must make things very difficult for your mother in her time of need. I wish you well in all this.

[del]

 

[charee]

 

[Wayne]

Hope the test is negative and she will get better soon.  Not that I always condone violence, but maybe you and your siblings need to take blockhead out back and have a "come to Jesus" meeting with a 2x4!   

[okarol]

... take blockhead out back and have a "come to Jesus" meeting with a 2x4!   

 

[kitkatz]

When you have the "come to Jesus" meeting you can borrow the big stick! 

[lola]

  Have your Mom see a lawyer ASAP. After my Step-dad passed my Mom ran to the lawyer after seeing how so many of his things had not been taken care of and wanting to secure her billons for my brother and I.

[okarol]

If my mom spends every cent she has, that's ok with me. All she has is her house, from before she had the boyfriend.
We are concerned about the cost of care, should it be needed, depending on her health and future needs.
I hope she gets some legal guidance soon. And I pray the biopsy goes ok, although I have to admit I am very worried.

[pelagia]

 

[Mariposa]

Sometimes we have to step back and take a moment for ourselves breathe in deeply. I had to learn that the hard way when other people were draining me emotionally and physically with their madness. Even though we love them sometimes a little space to regroup is in order, especially since people cannot seem to change their ways.
Hoping things get better.

 

[paris]

Karol, I have read your sister's rant over and over again.  I feel so bad for your Mom, that this is what she felt she deserved all these years.  I hate that she has been stuck in this relationship for decades.  Women can get put in really bad situations with no way out.   As for the smoking, my Dad had lung cancer. He had one lung removed, and still kept smoking.   A year after he died, his wife (not my Mom) died of lung cancer. She never quit either, even though Dad lived for 3 years with the cancer.  It is a powerful addiction.  There really isn't much you and your siblings can do, except keep on loving her.  Changes won't come easy at her age.  I'll be saying lots of prayers for your whole family, especially on Wednesday.   

[annabanana]

 

[TynyWonder]

Okarol,

My thoughts are with you and your whole family but my  is this............if that "boyfriend" (for lack of better word) has no feelings for anyone but himself NOW, he damn sure won't have any feelings for anyone else if and when your dear Mother passes on; therefore, like everyone else has already said, get your Mother to a lawyer, ASAP like TOMORROW girlfriend!!!