-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[okarol]

You know you're getting older when...

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired
All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at supermarket
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
The candles cost more than the cake
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations
You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it
You read more and remember less
You find this list tasteless and insensitive

[Stoday]

I'm posting this joke because I think everyone who is English will "get it" straight away. Other nationalities won't have the faintest clue of what's funny.

I went to Blackpool last weekend; the place is a right sh*thole.

I was on the prom and saw a bloke fighting with his wife. He was really belting her, so much that a policeman turned up. The cop got heavy with the bloke, drew his truncheon and belted the bloke round the head with it. The bloke was rather tougher than the cop and grabbed his truncheon and started twatting the cop with it. I just stood there like a plonker and watched it all.






The episode finished when a dog ran by with a string of sausages. The bloke kicked the dog in the knackers, grabbed the sausages and ran off.
 

[galvo]

Quite correct. I haven't got a clue as to what's funny about that.

[Stoday]

English would expect to see something like I've described in most seaside towns in the summer.

[galvo]

Good lord!

[Stoday]

Google "Punch & Judy" 

[kristina]

A driver received notice of a £60 speeding fine
along with a picture of his car taken by a police speed-trap camera.
He sent back a photograph of £60 – but paid up promptly
after Surrey police sent him a picture of a pair of handcuffs...

                (Sunday Telegraph)

[lmunchkin]

Actual just learned how to create my own "Topic", thanks to a certain individual on this site, that I will not mention for fear of favoritism.  Any body have any good jokes to tell. 
I will start by telling one.   Q.  What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?  A. Lets get together and get the "CRAP" out of here! 

Edited: Topic merged with "THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD"- okarol/admin

[lmunchkin]

Sorry! I had no idea.  Love Epoman....may he rest in peace & we miss him terribly!
Thanks for bringing to my attention moderator!!!!

[MooseMom]

LOL@lmunchkin's joke.  I like butt jokes.

[YLGuy]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some peanuts and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he passed that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[YLGuy]

Butt joke for you. 

[gothiclovemonkey]

 

[okarol]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. 

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00..   on one condition..." 

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."



(YOU GO, GIRL!)

[okarol]

Church Ladies with keyboards . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with keyboards. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:   

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
 

[kristina]

 A chap walked up to a bar and asked for a pint of bitter and a small scotch.
He drank the beer himself, then to the manager’s amazement a small mouse popped its head out of his waistcoat pocket and the man gave it the scotch.
He ordered again and the same thing happened.
Unfortunately, after ten pints the man had obviously had enough and the mouse was swaying almost out of his pocket,
and when he asked for another the manager, somewhat naturally, told him to go home.
The man immediately became abusive and in slurred tones demanded another pint and a scotch.
After the second refusal he shook his fist under the manager’s nose and shouted –
“I’ll knock your ruddy head off for this ! “
At this the little mouse became galvanized into action and squeaked –
“And that goes for your stupid cat too ! “

[Stoday]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .


A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland ," he says, "Fencing".

[Sluff]

Sunday Church Service

A young Lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the posters along the walls.

When he came across a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?.

The Usher replied "Why those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

[kitkatz]

Life as a child growing up in Oklahoma....
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits.  Of course, the
first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow.
Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?        Tough sumbich.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to
taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming
arrows all over the place.
One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard.
I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether).  The light
bulb went off in my head.
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump.  I thought that it would probably just spray out in a
disappointing manner.  Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really
doesn't "sound" flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader
rifles).
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder.  My
intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me.
No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you
know?
You know what?  Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too.  Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow.  I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim.
As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow.  In a slow motion time frame, I
turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT!  He just got home from work.
So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can.
My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes.  I turned back towards my
target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom.  Right
through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot......
When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet.  I don't know if it was the actual compression
wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound.
I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell
you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see.  It
was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or
two.
The daylight turned purple.  Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.
There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture.  Notice I said "was".  That
sumbich got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded,
my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:
ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!!  CEASE FIRE DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway.  All windows on the north side of
the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our
backyard.
There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped
down and are now
touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment.  I don't know - I know I said something.  I
couldn't hear.  I couldn't hear inside my own head.
 I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter.
I don't remember much from this point on.  I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up
later.  I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or
so and you get the idea.
I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I
can kill him again"............ Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about
that thing for years and dad never did anything about it.  I stepped up to the plate and handled
business.
 Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later.
I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery.  It's good discipline and will teach
them skills they can use later on in life.
 
Author Unknown

[YLGuy]

OMG, I was almost crying I was laughing so hard.  Boys will be boys and men will be boys.  The story is way too close to home.  I was "Fire Starter" for the father/son program for the YMCA. I did some pretty cool fire starts.  I had a sparkler on a dowel with a rocket engine on the back. It was on a guide-wire to the unlit fire. I lit the sparkler and fired the engine and it looked like a flaming arrow. In the middle was a bag full of gun powder which lit the kindling which was soaked in white gas. 

[Des]

Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed," he replied.

"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will
be known as Kevin."

Mohammed returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammed.  I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."

"Are you ashamed of your name?  Are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion?  Shame on you!"  And his mother
beat him.

Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his
bruises.

"What happened to you, Kevin?² she asked.

Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two
f$#@in' Arabs.

[Des]

Two brooms were hanging  in the closet and after a while they got to know  each other so  well,
they decided to get  married.

One broom was, of course,  the bride broom, the other the groom  broom.


The bride broom looked  very beautiful in her white  dress.

The groom broom was  handsome and suave in his  tuxedo.

The wedding was  lovely.

After the wedding, at the  wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and  said to the  groom-broom,
'I think I am going to  have a little  broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the  groom  broom.



Are you ready for this?  Brace yourself; this is going  to
hurt!!!!!!
 
 
 


'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT  TOGETHER!'


........... .......... ..............

[gothiclovemonkey]

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration, the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said,
''I told you to give each Elmo two test tickles,
not two testicles!!''

[fc2821]

no spare tire...
The following is excerpted from an actual complaint letter from a doctor to a major airline, regarding a flight from one of its smaller outlying stations. All emphasis is in the original, but identifying details have been deleted:

"On the return flight from Evansville, we were booked on flight 371 to leave at 5:15 p.m. At about 4:45 p.m., when the luggage was about to be loaded, the ground crew noticed the plane had a flat tire. We were told there would be about a one-hour delay. After 30 minutes or so, we were told the plane did not have a spare tire. This is inexusable!!!! Every car in America carries a spare tire. There is NO EXCUSE for a plane not to carry a spare tire!"

Company personnel responding to the complaint were diplomatic enough not to mention the lack of a rear-view mirror as well!

[fc2821]

Good Luck Mr. Gorsky
When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

But, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Apparently a true story.