-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[fc2821]

Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed," he replied.

"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will
be known as Kevin."

Mohammed returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammed.  I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."

"Are you ashamed of your name?  Are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion?  Shame on you!"  And his mother
beat him.

Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his
bruises.

"What happened to you, Kevin?² she asked.

Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two
f$#@in' Arabs.

 

[Darthvadar]

Have you heard about the man who swigged from the Typpex bottle instead of his liquid Viagra bottle???...

He woke with a massive correction!!!!.....

[FineWhine]

My boss told us this at our weekly meeting. Good boss!

A family of sharks is swimming by a beach. The Dad Shark tells the Mom Shark, I think it's time we teach Junior how to catch food on his own.

They agree, and Dad says, "Hey, son, today we are going to catch lunch at the beach. Follow me"

So they swim closer to the beach, and Dad says "Pick out a swimmer, look for splashing. Circle that one and then speed in for the meal."

They have a successful hunt, and as they swim out from the shore, Junior says, "Wouldn't it be more efficient to cut out the circling and go directly in for the target?" Dad answers: "Well, that's a good idea, but they taste so much better if you scare the s#it out of them first!"

[okarol]

Teachers are going to love this one.  Brilliant!

At Ottawa University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry, and all of them had an 'A', so far.
These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it 
back until early Monday morning.
 
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
 
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought. Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written.....

For 95 points: Which tire?

[Annig83]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[jbeany]

Every week for years, an elderly gentleman had come in to the pharmacy and purchased two
 dozen condoms.  Finally, the pharmacist's curiosity could take no more.  As the the gentleman approached the counter with his weekly supply, the pharmacist finally spoke up.  "I hate to pry, but I really am curious about how you manage to need so many condoms every week.  I'm sure I couldn't do it!"
"Oh, no," said the gentleman, "I don't use them for THAT.  I feed them to my poodle and when he poops, it's already in plastic bags."

[YLGuy]

Who is the boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

[Hazmat35]

John invited his mother over for dinner. 

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was.  She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates, that’s it, nothing more."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.  Love, John"

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.  But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.  Love, Mom"

[Stoday]

HOSPITAL CHARTS

(Taken from actual hospital charts.)

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[CebuShan]

I used to manage a gas station & this was always a favourite. There was a man who pulled into a self-serve gas station. As he was pumping his gas, a car came speeding in & crashed into the man pinning him to the pump. His left leg was mangled beyond repair. At the hospital, he was taken into emergency surgery and his leg was removed. After being returned to his room, the doctor came to see him. "I am sorry to tell you that a mistake has been made and we removed the wrong leg. We will have to take you back into surgery to remove the correct leg." So they took him back into surgery and removed his other leg. After returning to his room this time, he decided to call a lawyer. The lawyer arrived and listened to the man's story. When the man was finished with his woeful tale, the lawyer sadly shook his head. "I'm so sorry but you cannot sue" "What?!" replied the man. "Why not?" The lawyer answered,"Well, it's because..."(wait for it...) "You simply don't have a leg to stand on!" 

[Hazmat35]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection & trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71 & rollin in dough.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies & Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy & lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born & bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man & was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough & Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.