Ungrateful Family.....I'm sick & tired!!!

[G-Ma]

I would be honored to be considered your sister.
Love you
Ann

[cherpep]

RookieGirl, my heart goes out to you.  I have a large extended family, and I love them very much.  They do not understand everything I go through, but they do try.  They mean the world to me and I look forward to the few opportunties we have to be together.  All of my siblings are married, except 1, my younger sister.  Even when the entire family cannot get together, I include my younger sister in all of my family activities.  She does not have a husband or kids, and would be left alone if I did not include her.  She has actually become quite a help during the holidays, as she puts forth huge extra efforts in trying to allow me to rest.  After years of being together during the holidays, she knows my kitchen as well as I do, and we work together seamlessly.  Is your younger brother single?  Is this why the loss of your large family holiday is affecting him so much? 

I think you should once again be honest with your family.  If your intention was not to divide everyone to spend the holidays separately - tell them.  If your hope was that someone would offer to have everyone over to their place instead of yours - tell them.  Tell them exactly what your intention and hopes were.  It sounds like they misinterpreted your intentions and are trying to honor your wishes.  Even if it's too late to get everyone together this year, if you are completely honest, you may have the chance that someone will pick it up next year.  If you really wanted potluck, or taking turns, or something else, but still wanted to get together - I really think you should tell them.  How else will they know?

I will be thinking about you and your family in hopes that this gets resolved. While your health is extremely important, so are families.  They are yours for life and are cherished treasures.

[pelagia]

Pelagia,  she is from Long Island.  Is life so different there?  I have never known anyone so selfish and self-centered.   You are nothing like that.  You are full of so much love and compassion for all of us.   

Paris, thank you for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. 

I'm sure there are selfish, self-centered people everywhere and lots of wonderful people on LI, but yes, I do think it's a different culture up there for many.  It wears on me whenever I go to visit (which isn't much anymore).

It's good to hear that you have family support.

I always wish I had a quicker sense of humor when it comes to difficult situations.  My husband can joke his way through anything.  I let things get to me.  If things start to get to you, just remember that we're here.

[xtrememoosetrax]

But, tomorrow my son and the lovely daughter in law, have requested my husband and I come over to discuss all the problems.  My husband says if they start in on my, we will leave.  If I don't say the right things, they won't be at our house with all the rest of the family. 

Paris, I'm so sorry to hear all of this.  This sounds awful.  And the timing -- for god's sake, TWO days before Christmas??!!  Could it possibly be ANY WORSE??!  It's as if your daughter-in-law is saying, "Let's take this family occasion and make it all about  ME ME ME !!!!"  What a witch.  You definitely do NOT deserve this.  How difficult and painful.  Sounds like emotional blackmail, and it's a shame that your son is going along with it, but I'm afraid that sometimes people get brainwashed when they are (or think they are) "in love."  I'm sending you lots of love and hugs and am hoping things get better soon.

Rookiegirl, It sounds like your brother is having a pity party.  OMG, poor HIM!!!  Think of the other things he could have said:  "I want to spend Xmas with my family, and Big Sis isn't feeling up to making dinner for all of us, so why don't we have a potluck?"  "Or meet at the local Dairy Queen?"   Or whatever, just spend the time with family.  It is totally inapppropriate for him to be playing this passive-aggressive victim game when YOU are the one who has kidney failure, for heaven's sake!!  Don't fall for the guilt trip!!!  I know it's hard not to, but it is NOT all up to you!!  I'm sending love and hugs to you, too. 

[rookiegirl]

All I can say is THANK YOU!!! for the support of my IHD family.   When I sent my post a few days ago, I was really upset and may have said things I don't really mean.  Especially about wishing I was d---d.  I hate that word and do not wish it at all.  I love life and I try by best to live life to the fullest.  You guys are so wonderful in responding to my needs.  I've read this thread over and over and take in each words of encouragement and suggestions.  It feels so wonderful to know that I have people I can rely on for comfort.

Here's the latest in my family issue.  After I finally calmed down, I sent an email to all my brothers & sisters.  I mentioned on the email my brother's post and how it hurt me.  I told them that I took if very personal and felt I was being blamed.  I stated in the email just because I will not prepare the meals anymore doesn't mean we can't have family gatherings.  I welcome them to come over to our house anytime they want.  So, now will see if they show up Christmas day.

Earlier today, I went to my mother's resting place and cried my heart out.  At first, I felt so ashamed that I failed her.  But I came to realize in that quiet place, that I have done all I can do and I felt better about myself.  You are all so right about me spending more time with my husband and 2 girls.  Life is too short to live in misery.  Tonight, my husband and our 2 girls drove to see the Festival of Lights and we enjoyed roasting marshmallow in a big bonfire.  It was so beautiful and tonight made me realize how much my girls have grown and just how beautiful they really are.  I thank God for this opportunity.  I have truly been blessed and I'm honored to experience this life of mine.

I wish everyone here a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Love you All,
RG

[paris]

I am so glad today was better for you, Rookiegirl.     Truly, friends here have made such a difference in being able to handle family drama.   It sounds like your family had a very special day together.   Lovely new memories with your husband and daughters.      Merry Christmas to you and yours. You are very special and we love you so much.   

[pelagia]

Lots of love to you and your family RG.   

[Sunny]

I'm so glad to know you are feeling better about yourself. Have a wonderful Christmas.You deserve it.

[Fairheart]

Family and friends don't understand unless you tell them.  Contact your family to meet you at an affordable restuarant and tell them you want the family to be together but you can't be responsible for the meal anymore...and tell them why.

 I had an aunt on dialysis for 4 years and never knew what she went through until I wound up "in the chair"  I'm sure that's the case with your family.  Suggest someone else host the event or offer your house if others bring all the food....  traditions aren't supposed to be jail sentences, they can be changed.

I'm sorry you are hurting about your brother but his post on Facebook is an example of him not understanding.

[Bajanne]

I do agree with Fairheart that sometimes family members act the way they do because they really don't understand.  My brother was on dialysis for 10 years before he died in 2004, just ten months before I  myself was diagnosed with kidney failure.  I now know that I wished I had taken the time to understand exactly what he was going through.  I helped him when I could (and most of that time I was in another country anyway), but only since it has become my turn, do I realize that there was a lot more that I could have done in terms of understanding what he was going through.

[paris]

Fairheart,  I really liked that phrase "traditions aren't suppose to be jail sentences".