life... im on the edge and about to fall.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Things lately have been horrible and i dont even know how to feel anymore....

This year has been so rough. I am in the middle of getting a divorce.my husband told me hes never been in love with me, he loves me like a sister, theres no attraction. so he moved out of state.
 And then I met someone who I get along with well, a true FRIEND.  and we decided to move in together to help each other out. He has a boy too, so we thought itd be nice for them.... Since hes been here, life has actually really been wonderful, for us all. i havent seen my son this happy in a long time. laughing constantly. playing.... and my labs have never been this good! Hes really helped me in many ways.

well I caught the boys fooling around (which im fairly certain was normal childhood curiosity but no one can be certain, so we decided it best they leave..... )
and then to top it off my so-called best friend said she cant be my friend anymore because she doesnt agree with me, that im still talking to the childs father on social media and in text. and hes said hed like to come over to help me out with things i need help with (like putting AC in the window, and finishing up helping clean up the basement (it flooded with crap water - sewer line broke) . because its just all his fault for coming here in the first place. smh then she sent me a really hateful message. I was OK until that point. THis is the message : " give your child up you horrible piece of sh** mom. maybe he can have a chance at life, that way you worthless (c u next tuesday) . who makes sh** up about her health for p*cking attention who is just to f**ng lazy to get off her fat f*ing ass to clean house and take care of her child. "

ugh she knows this whole situation made me feel like a horrible mom, because i should have known this was happening right under our noses. i feel horrible mom for past things too, like marrying my husband, so jareth lost him because im not good enough to even keep a husband happy for more than a few years. he lost out. his real father... i mean... i know ive screwed this kid up. i get that. and with my health the way it is, quite frankly shes probably right.
 i know that most of my illnesses are 'invisible' but i do have very visable stuff too. but i dont lie about my health. i wish i was.
and as far as i know its been ME taking care of my child since he was born. except when im at d, or in the hospital..... and for like 1 year of his life, when i lived at my dads and had HELP. my husband never helped me, with anything, he sat on the couch for a year watching tv, while i paid bills, and served his ass dinner at the couch. so im not sure why she would even say that....
im not even sad over losing her "friendship" because she wasnt a very good friend. she only came around when she wanted me to do her homework, or other stuff like that. if someone better to hang with came along thats where she was at.
she blew me off on numerous occasions, so im not too broken up about it, but that text...... smh

anyway so now my life is in shambles, it seems. left yet again to pick up the shards.

im so close to the edge

[gothiclovemonkey]

and im sorry this post is here
i just didnt know what to do or where to turn
the dad is my only "offline" friend and i dont want him to know why she decided to not be my friend anymore, so i dont have that outlet right now....
also want to point at that with the situation there...
I am angry at the older boy, but i also know he too was a premature child, and from my experience with my own son, they just seem to not have the same state of mind as a "normal" child... so im trying to be understanding, that and the poor thng has been through a lot in the past two years... he lost his mom (kidney failure) and hes respectful and kind, like i said, hes basically my son, just a few years older! they are SO much a like, they could be brothers. its weird!!!
i am also somewhat upset that my son ddnt come to me about this, and also at first tried to lie about it, because we have discussed in depth that he should come to me when these feelings arise (hes begun puberty already, and is constantly talking about how hot girls are, so i have had the birds and bees talk with him to some vague extent.... but i also remember when I was his age.... i didnt go to my mom when i was 12 and did something very similar.... soooooo i cant really be too bent over it.
but i do not in any way see how this is anyones "fault", because how the hell could either of us know this was going to happen?! children do things, make mistakes.....
but maybe im wrong?

[KarenInWA]

Honey, I don't think you did anything wrong because, like you said - how were you to know? It is an unfortunate incident yes, but, not completely out of the whelm considering the ages, circumstances and the big one - hormones. It sounds like this ex-friend is one of those drama queens who has to make a mountain out of a mole hill and fly off the handle at a moment's notice. Does she have anger issues? Because her reaction to you over this was definitely off the handle. IMHO, anyways. Of course, I am not a parent, and never will be one, so not too sure how much weight my thoughts hold. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this, and no, I do not see how you talking to the boy's father is a "bad" thing.

KarenInWA

[Michael Murphy]

I live my life by one rule do the best you can.  It seems you have done the best you could.  You have a huge load on your shoulders, it's not your fault that your husband was a low life moron, it's not your fault you found a friend and it turned out bad.  Look at every turn you made the best choice you had.  All you can do is make the best choice and not look back.  Please be kind to your self.  This is a tough life all dialysis patients live.  You must realize that you are doing the best you can and it will get better. 

[iolaire]

then she sent me a really hateful message.

Please do your best to not listen to vindictive people.  You have to wonder what is so wrong in her life that makes her feel the need to try to hurt you.  Do you best to feel sorry for her and ignore whatever she says.

[gothiclovemonkey]

thank you guys
this whole thing is insane.

[Charlie B53]

You haven't done anything wrong.  In fact, you have made all the right decisions taking into consideration your child.

Don't fall for the guilt trip that your supposed 'friend' is trying to lay on you.  She may have other motives, definately not in your best interest.  Forget her and move on.

Your son's Dad will ALWAYS be his Dad.  And you will have to make some allowances for some kind of Father/Son relationship.  But you can draw lines, and bounderies, make rules and stick to them so that Dad knows he stays straight, or stays away.

Stay strong, you will be fine.  It won't always be easy, but you will succeed.

[gothiclovemonkey]

My sons birth father chooses to not be in his life, and ive tried many things to attempt to get him to be in his life, and it doesnt work, unless i pay him...
the man i married that my son considers dad, moved out of state when we broke it off in feb. , but said hed still call and stuff and be there for him (hasnt yet.... but he may once he gets settled? not holding my breath)

currently i am just trying to understand how this even happened
ugh this whole thing is so messed up.
im rather embarrassed that I posted ths for the world to see but i just have no one offline i can really bring this to, and im losing my mind.
too much going on all at once for both my son and me.

[kristina]

I live my life by one rule do the best you can.  It seems you have done the best you could.  You have a huge load on your shoulders, it's not your fault that your husband was a low life moron, it's not your fault you found a friend and it turned out bad.  Look at every turn you made the best choice you had.  All you can do is make the best choice and not look back.  Please be kind to your self.  This is a tough life all dialysis patients live.  You must realize that you are doing the best you can and it will get better.

Hello gothic,
I agree with everything Michael has already mentioned ...
... and please be kind to yourself ... being on dialysis is already hard enough...
Best wishes from Kristina.

[Bambino_Bear]

People can be real assholes.  I am so sorry you are going through this. 

Here is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that I love:  "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

 

[kristina]

People can be real assholes.  I am so sorry you are going through this. 

Here is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that I love:  "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

 

Hello Bambino_Bear,
This is a most beautiful and very true quote you have mentioned here !
Thanks a lot from Kristina.

[Angiepkd]

Oh GLM!  What a hard thing to be going through.  I have two boys who were a real handful growing up.  I can't imagine doing it while dealing with D and all the other issues you have had.  There were many times when I felt like I wasn't the best mom.  I always say I may have made mistakes with my kids, but I gave it my all, and never stopped trying to do what I thought was right.  As parents, that is all we can do.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  Just keep moving forward and doing your best.  And never, ever, listen to anyone else's opinion on your parenting!  All families have problems and struggle.  Your friend is no better than you are.  Hang in there!

[gothiclovemonkey]

being an adult kinda sucks lol
im still hanging on. and my son seems to be fine... so theres a plus

thank you all for your kind words
<3