I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: Lillupie on April 19, 2011, 09:21:22 PM
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hi,
I feel like I should apologize. I know some on here are caregivers, and in a way, I cant help but to be a little jealous of patients who actually do have caregivers. Because I dont! I am a caregiver to everyone else around me. I am on dialysis, PD, which means I do it every single day. I am ok, with that for the most part. I am on the cycler at night, and have to do one manual during the day time.
I am struggling at the moment. Just the moment. We moved out of Detroit because in July our house got broke into when we were home. My mom decided it was time to move. Well, she works and has a very good paid job. Problem is she is 62 years old and does NOT, NOT have a drivers license and does NOT drive. I am the ONLY person in my house who drives! So, I have to be on the machine every night, and I have to wake up at 5:30am to drive my mom the mile or so to the bus stop or drive her to work, and pick her up at the bus stop in the evening, or drive the 45 minutes to her job to pick her up. And anytime she needs to go to the store, I have to take her. My boyfriends mom has offered to driver her to the store and my mom doesnt want any freinds. I am an only child and it is all on me.
I also have a 5 year old daughter. I am just pooped!
Sorry for venting.
Lisa
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I understand being a single dad of 3 on HD. I have a schedule printed in my car what time I drop off and pick up everyone. Luckily I have my D scheduled so I can drop them off and then go to D. After D I pick up the kids and go home to take a little nap, wake up, grocery shop, chores and make dinner. It is tough. :grouphug;
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:grouphug;
Yup, pooped it is. I took care of my semi-senile grandmother while I was on D. It's exhausting to always be on call, and be the only one "good enough" to do certain jobs that could just as easily have been delegated.
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Oh Lisa. That must be so exhausting for you. My Blokey is very lucky to have me; I shall inform him of that.
;D
But in all seriousness, I hope that you can find quality time for yourself and your daughter occasionally. Heaven knows that you need it. Thinking of you.
*huggles*
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:grouphug;
A mile isn't very far. Can't your mom walk to the bus? I have a trip scheduled on Friday and will be walking about a mile to catch the bus to get to the airport, lugging a backpack and a suitcase with me.
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I know you know..... that your Mom has a good paying job and she has to go to work to put food on the table and a roof over your head. So, get up and take her where ever she needs to go.
But, it must get old and that is why you are venting. Sorry for the reality check. :waving;
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I am so sorry what you are going through.
Please make sure the stress & exhaustion won’t cause you a Lupus-flare-up.
Best wishes from Kristina.
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thinking of you....
xo,
R
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Lisa,
I know it is hard. But you may have to talk with your mom about letting some of those others who are willing to help do so.
In the mean time, accept the hugs coming your way.
Aleta
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Do you realize what it is like to be a taxi driver for someone who refuses to drive? Do you realize that she has both her kidneys and does not have to be on a machine at night? It is wearing me out. I am an only child, and she doesnt want me to get married because then she wont have anyone to drive her shopping. I dont even eat anymore because it takes too much out of me to pick her up from work, take her shopping and then come home and cook.
So, I am going to give you a reality check and I am sure you are going to ban me from this site for this. I think I have had a not so nice/not so compassionate response from you before. So I am asking you rerun, please dont respond to any of my posts that I start.
SOOOOOOOO sick of this lifestlye of not working a fulltime job and paying my bills, I just wish God would just kill me and get it over with
I know you know..... that your Mom has a good paying job and she has to go to work to put food on the table and a roof over your head. So, get up and take her where ever she needs to go.
But, it must get old and that is why you are venting. Sorry for the reality check. :waving;
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:grouphug; :grouphug; :grouphug; I hope things will get easier for you. Is there anyone at all that can get through to your Mother? Your Neph or maybe PD nurse could help. Talk to the social worker. I hope you can get some help.
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It may be time for you to move on and out.
You shouldn't BE ASKED by your mother to put your life on hold. For a mother to tell her daughter she shouldn't get married is crazy IMO.
One would think that you are 100% healthy and your mother is the one with kidney disease the way she needs and relies on you.
Your young and have a daughter this alone is a fulltime job plus your a dialysis patient which complicates things so much more.
I'm sure you love your mother but to wish death on yourself even if you dont mean it just thinking it is not healthy.
It may be time for you to move on and out.
Your mother has made it this far she can figure out what to do if you were to move on.
Why should your life be put on hold bad enough you have this dam disease.
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Do you have Liftline in your area or something like that? Research alternatives for someone who does not drive.
You are not in an easy situation. I pray for your sanity.
My sons are grown up now. Enjoy your daughter and smile with her every day!
Take care,
Odat
:cuddle;
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Lillupie - I know exactly how you feel. My mom is just like yours. Mom does not drive either and is basically 70 going on 12 years old. I remember she called asking me to pick her up from work at 9:30pm. I told her that I had to be on PD by 8PM to be able to get up for work in time the next morning. She gave me big attitude and hung up on me.
I always tried to accommodate her because she did give me one of her kidneys (the 1st transplant). But eventually I had to put my foot down when she started to take advantage of me. I took off from work to give her a ride to the doctor’s office and on the way back home she said “Oh my back…the doctor said that when I donated my kidney to you that I would be in pain for the rest of my life.” I had to call her out on that. I told her you know that’s NOT true..so STOP lying! She immediately changed the subject. Anytime you confront her she tries to change the subject.
When she started to volunteer me out to drive her friends around I really had to chew her out. I told her “I am NOT your personal TAXI DRIVER!!”
Of course she still tries to get away with stuff. I asked her if she wanted to go with me to a local pow wow this weekend. Of course she said yes….then she calls me up and asks if “we” could pick up two of her friends too. I think now she is at least trying to compromise. She suggested that I drop them off at the mall so they could catch a bus back home. That way I wouldn’t have to make the 34 mile round trip back to her place.
I am sorry it’s happening to you too. Just know your not alone. Stand up for your self and say NO!!! ;D Or at the very least say to your mom "Give me a kidney then we'll talk about me driving you all over kingdom come" :clap;
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Wow don't say crazy things like tahe it will get better, You must think of different ways to get mom to the bus stop. Lets see, how about she takes a cab 3xs a week to the stop and you pick her up at the bus stop??. Maybe the boyfriend/husband can help you out at least a couple times a week. Maybe even grandma can help out. But first you really have to give mom a reality check as to how you are feeling and let her know she muct work with you during the week to make things better. I hope it all works out for you and come here and vent anytime.. :cuddle;
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My sisters, Mother in Law learned to drive when she was in her 80's because her DH has a stroke and could no longer drive!!
You need to try and tell you mom how you feel (she can learn to drive!!) ... and maybe explore the option of moving out! (there must be some housing aid you can get)
But vent away!!! :cuddle;
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Moving out is probably not a viable solution for you at this point. I'd look into some of the volunteer programs mentioned above. Try not to get too discouraged, perhaps your mom can take a taxi to the bus stop for a week just to give you a break...
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;D I asked my mom to take a taxi....."Oh no, I am not going to do that." I even offered to pay for it. still all I got was nope. I even offered to pay for driving lessons and she brushed me off.
My mother grew up spoiled and has her whole life been looking for men to take care of her. Lill - I wish you could move out. Is there any possible way? You need to take care of you and your daughter first. Your mom is a grown woman and should be able to get back and forth to the bus stop by herself. Your mom does sound selfish...wanting you to put your life on hold for her??? Thats crazy. Don't get married because then who would drive me around?? Seems she is only thinking about herself.
I feel for you. I do love my mom but I can honestly say I would rather live in my car than live with her.
She would be all over me like white on rice. I remember a trip we took one summer. We were at the airport and she had just come back from the bathroom. When she got back and before she sat down I stood up and said I was headed to the bathroom. She said "Oh..I'll go with you." I can't even go to the bathroom by myself when I am with her.
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Lisa it must be very difficult. Your mom should be the one helping you. On nice days there is no reason your mom can't get some exercise walking to and from the bus stop. A mile isn't very far. You need to be able to do your dialysis and rest in order to be able to take care of yourself and your daughter. As for not wanting you to get married that s selfish!!
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:rofl; I remember my mom saw all my PD supplies at my house. She says "Whats all this stuff for?" Remember she gave me my first kidney transplant......and STILL was asking me what all my dialysis supplies were for. :urcrazy; I said "Mom...I'l give you one guess."
Lill - hang in there :cuddle;
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Thinking of you Lisa.
:flower;
I'm hoping that you are getting some kind of break this weekend. :grouphug;
Aleta
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all thank you all so very much for your words of encouragement....
I need to give all more information...my mom is 62. We are between two bus stops. One is about a mile at the most away, the other one is 1/3 of a mille. Neither one she wants to walk to. The thing that really is bothering me now is the years I have spent driving her from work, and now it is to work and home. I want to work a part time job. the problem is, i dont know the hours i can work because of my moms inconsistancy. One day i have to wake up at 5:30am to drive her to the bus stop, the next day it might be all the way to work, in that case it has to be all the way to work, which then I leave at 7am. In the evenings if i get her at the bus stop then it is at 6pm, if i have to drive all the way to her job, then i have to leave no later then 4pm. If the weather is bad, i.e snow, rain, too windy (She is scared of the wind) then I have to drive two trip round trip. My grandmother does not drive either. So, out of 4 of us, I am the only person who knows how to drive. I mean of course my daughter dont, shes too young. lol
My boyfriend. When he was here, he has gone with me a few times to go and get my mom. The worst thing about my boyfriend, I love him dearly, but he is in the military. On his leave he picked her up for me a few times. There have been dinners at his family's house that I could not finish my dinner because I had to to go and get her from the bus stop.
So she doesnt want me to get married because for the next three yeares starting in September, my boyfriend, Thom, will be startioned in Kentucky, and then I wont be around.
Carol, I had noo idea that someone could learn how to drive in their 80s. WOW. I give props to that lady. There is nothing wrong with my mother that she cant drive. She doesnt have seizures, she has an education, not blind. Not in poverty that she cant afford a car!! grr and on the weekends if she wants to go shopping, or to my cousins house I have to take her there too. My boyfriends mom has offered to take her grocery shopping because she is like 2 traffic lights away from me, and my mom said no. She doesnt want any friends.
Brightsky, WoW. Atleast your mom was willing to give you a kidney. My mom, nope. Not even to get tested. Her attitude when I was first told I might need dialysis in the future when I was 16 was "im not getting cut open for anyone". Even to this day she wont get tested. Atleast go through with it to look like she is trying. Now I cant get mad at her too much, she does have high blood pressure
I thank everyone here for letting me vent.
Lisa
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As far as "not wanting any friends", I'd tell her that she doesn't have to be the lady's friend, she only needs to accept the darn ride to the grocery store once in a while to save your sanity, lol. Does your Gram live with you too?
Have you told your Mom you want to get a part-time job? Do you need the job or is the job for experience/personal satisfaction? If you don't really need the money, would volunteering in your field of study be possible? Between being Mom's chauffeur, caring for a 6 year old and being on PD, you already have a full-time job. I do understand you wanting more though...
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Lisa, life is way too short not to do the things YOU want to do. Let your mom stand on her own 2 feet. If you want to get a job get it and let her find her own way to work 1/3 of a mile to a bus stop is nothing!! As for getting married that is your decision not her's. You deserve a life for you and your child. As long as you are around and willing to cater to her every need she will take advantage of it. :cuddle;
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If you're going to continue driving your mum perhaps you need to work on the inconsistency first. It's at set times every day or she walks. One third of a mile? That should take her ten minutes tops! And now it's practically summer it will be a lovely walk!
I'd agree with those who say that it's time to move out. And what's a more perfect time to move out than the moment you get married and have to move somewhere else? You and your daughter are your Number One priority and you need to live your life for you, not for your mum. I realise that this is probably easier said than done though. When we were having issues with my MiL we gradually weaned her off us (which semi-worked ... my BiL is now the one stuck doing everything for her!) but we didn't live with her so it was easier to do.
I really hope you can sort it out.
*more huggles*
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Stop taking her now! She has her health and good job, but depends on you? Let her know you love her but you are putting your child and your health first! She is the adult here and she needs to learn how to Fin for herself! I get so angry when I read post like this! You are overwhelmed and no one to help you is just unconscionable!
I have children of my own and would never expect them to cater to me. Its just down right wrong! Stop doing it now and let her know you are not going to do it. If you live in her home and she threatens to kick you out, then you come live with me. I will do all I can do to make your life easy as I can. Im serious! The nerve of these people! That is so unchristianlike behavior!!!!!!! Makes me want to do unchristianlike things back to them, but 2 ugliness's don't make it right!
I just can't comprehend that these things really go on! What is wrong with people that we are so self absorbed in ourselves that we can't see the needs of others. God, I just want to "smack" someone right now!!!! She doesn't love you the way she should! She loves herself and that is it. You and your child need to get out now, the sooner the better!
lmunchkin :rant; :thumbdown;
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I am so sorry Lisa, I do hope you find your way,
kind regards from Kristina. :grouphug;
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So, I am going to give you a reality check and I am sure you are going to ban me from this site for this. I think I have had a not so nice/not so compassionate response from you before. So I am asking you rerun, please dont respond to any of my posts that I start.
Sometimes we who blog in IHD, do not need "reality checks" but just a quiet word of comfort and empathy. My heart goes out to you Lilliupie. I find Richard very good at summing up a situtaion.
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just wanted to say it wasnt Richard who responded to my post here, it was rerun, who i took it that she thinks I should tote my mom everywhere. Bottom line is I wish it were me with the job, and not the almost free taxi service and the dialysis.
Lisa
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Re. Richard. Other way around. I have always found him to be great 'listener' without making subjective opinions. He is Worth his weight in gold.
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Lillupie, You are in our thoughts & prayers. Just don't know what to tell you dear, but our offer stands! I hate that you are going through all this. But I also know that Lord don't give us more than we can stand.
Vent here anytime. We are here for you!
lmunchkin :flower; and :grouphug;
p.s. Yea I love to read Richards post too. I cant believe the guy is "Single" and doing all his own stuff on his own. So up beat & positive about life, but is very realistic too! Really a nice guy I gather from his posts!
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Re. Richard. Other way around. I have always found him to be great 'listener' without making subjective opinions. He is Worth his weight in gold.
A gold statue of RichardMel would be pretty cool.
Lillupie, I'm sorry you're in this tough situation and wish I could offer more than my e-hug. Here is that at least: :grouphug;
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Whoa! I am glad I was alerted to these posts. worth my weight in gold? statues??! Wait a minute. The gold price continues to rise as does my steroid fuelled weight. Melt down the bloody statue and we're all off to party in Vegas.
Well except for Lisa's mom who won't get a cab to the airport. :)
Please folks I am not the second coming or something. Just a regular guy trying to make the most from what life dishes up. just like everyone else.
Lisa vent away jf it helps that's great. one reason IHD is here in my view.
now please return to the topic at hand which has nothing to do witn me, my weight or the contents of Fort Knox. :)
ps just ask my ex girlfriends why I am single. I am sure there would be many answers!
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"ps just ask my ex girlfriends why I am single. I am sure there would be many answers!"
Oh please, Richard! As someone who has had worse luck than you in that dept, who has been dumped just for being herself, I fail to believe that your exes are any different from mine. I think you and I just have bad luck in choosing "partners". Your exes have about as much justification as mine did for dumping me like yesterday's garbage. They SUCK!!!!
Okay, back to the original point of this thread...
And yes, Lisa, you need to live your OWN life and stop having to be your *healthy* mother's keeper. She needs to grow up already!!!
KarenInWA
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Oh please, Richard! As someone who has had worse luck than you in that dept, who has been dumped just for being herself, I fail to believe that your exes are any different from mine. I think you and I just have bad luck in choosing "partners". Your exes have about as much justification as mine did for dumping me like yesterday's garbage. They SUCK!!!
KarenInWA
Amen sista!
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Well to be fair I am hardly egotistical or arrogant enough to think i was never at fault. it's a two way street. sometimes jus different goals or places in life was the problem. other times not proper communication etc.
Anyway this is not about me. Lisa has a bf anyway! :)
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I think it's probably because you follow a lousy footy team, and any half-decent females would be ashamed to be seen on the same side of the street as you.
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I think it's probably because you follow al ousy footy team, and any half-decent females would be ashamed to be seen on the same side of the street as you.
Oh, you mean the "Tugers"? :rofl;
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Spot on!
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lol! This thread s not about me or the tiggers! hey i dates a pies fan for over two years - you tell me who has the worse taste. lol
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So how has it been going, Lillupie. Are things getting better for you? Have you spoke whats on your heart to your mother? You have been on my heart all week. How strong you are to do the things that need to be done, and the things not so needed to do. Please let us know how you are doing?
lmunchkin
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Lisa,
Not sure if you moved out of Michigan, but I am in the Ypsi/Ann Arbor area if you ever need anyone to help you out.
Hang in there!
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aw thank you sooooo much you guys :flower; You all make my day/evening/night. I really appreciate the support. I am trying to hang in there. I guess it really bothers me because I would rather A. Not be on dialysis at all, B. Not be a slave. There are days I feel like i am her slave. You all are right that she does have much better health then me. Its hard being on dialysis and having to eat so much protein every day. I usually dont know until the last minute that she needs to be picked up from work. She works about 45min away. So I might try to defrost something to cook it later, and when it comes time to cook, Ill get the phone call to come pick her up. and by the time I get home from driving about another 100 miles, im too pooped to cook. She calls me if its too windy, like more then 5mph wind. Because she is scared of the wind.
I would say at times I feel like a slave because she lets me live there, free food, gives me a car so that I can drive her around, but yet I cant pay any of my bills. lol
And do you know that I was talking about this situation to a lady in the waiting room at my clinic, who is also on dialysis, and she was like "shes your mom you'll do anything for her, you're not working or going to school, so you have nothing else to do" oh I was mad.
At some point I would like to get a job for experience and to pay down my past credit cards, but now am only available between 9-3:30? grr. Because my mom has made it known that if i cant give her rides she will quit her job! I just wish she was willing to learn how to drive. Atleast try.
Not only that but I have to deal with my daughters father who wont pay a mesaly $50 a month in child support, but he wants to spend all this time with her. Which I am ok with. I didnt want her going to school in Detroit, so we agreed until I moved out to the suburbs she can go to school where her dad is at. Ok now i am in a better area, better school district, her dad wants to give me ahard time about enrolling her in a school by me! Grr. I have told him about 20 times I can get up and get her to school! and he insists that I cant get off of my machine, and I told him if i can getmy mom to work or to the bus stop occasionally, I can get her to school. I think he want to use my dialysis as a crutch to not let me have her. Its like he wants to play with her and not financially take care of her.
HE IS NOT, NOT on dialysis. He is 42 years old, no car, no job, no place to live, a degree from the University of Michigan. So my daughter is sleeping with his mother when in school. With me she has her own room, with him or his mom, she does not (she lives in a single wide trailer). He lives with a older lady who he used to drive around until his car's engine seized on him.
OK, my boyfriend who, him and I are seriously talking about marriage has mentioned several times that when we get married he wants to fill out the paper work to adopt my daughter, and let her dad still see her. Ok my boyfriend is in the US ARMY with a degree in engineering. I just highly doubt that Alex (my daughter)'s dad would go for adoption. But he cant/wont provide for Alex! AND i cant say anything to her dad because her dad will turn around and say "I dont see you working"! Im on dialysis grr
So, this is what I deal with plus PD dialysis,
Lisa
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Time to get a life, maybe away from Mom.
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Time to get a life, maybe away from Mom.
a little insensitive...if only things were that black and white.