Overwhelmed and no relief in sight

[devon]

Flip!  I am laughing out loud, for real not just LOL.   The image of you sitting there, grinning away is precious.  Thanks.

what I'm going through is a process that each one of us must go through.  Sometimes we don't all go through it in the same way or at the same speed but we eventually get to some level of acceptance, if we're successful.

As much as it might seem very easy to those who've been and forgotten it, we can't be hurried along with a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" expression.  It's not that easy.  In fact, we ARE pulling ourselves up.  That's obvious or we wouldn't be were we are.  But the process of pulling in sometimes long and tedious.  We aren't all blessed with the wherewithall to accomplish it in a day.

I am moving forward, I feel; slowly getting better everyday at handling things.  There will be good days and bad days.  It doesn't get easier, we just get better at it.

-Devon

-Devon

[paris]

Devon, you are doing great!  If we don't grieve or have anger, I don't think we have really accepted the situation.  Others who join later will read your posts and know what they are feeling is all a part of the journey.  Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings with us.  It is a privelege to read your posts.   

[Orange County Ca]

I'm sitting in the dialysis center watching college football, surfing the net, and eating a snack. Life could be much worse.

I've been off dialysis for about 3 years now.  My schedule was read, then watch the news, then sleep and end up playing a hand help video game.

With internet access now available I'd add that if I go back.  Knock on wood.

[flip]

Saturday is usually a good day for dialysis. None of the administrators are there and everyone wants to get the hell in and out. It's very seldom that I get written up on a Saturday. Most of my antics go unnoticed.

[G-Ma]

flip...gett written up??? what in the world could you get written up for?? serious question here....

Devon...you are very right, we just get better at it.

I had a very bad, very emotional morning this morning and I think finally verbalized it to my son when we talked...this dialysis and everything that goes along with kidney failure is a """mental game"""....In a large part we are all guinie pigs and if it works we are great and if it doesn't then life sucks.  I generally am a very positive person but this has gotten to me big time and is not wanting to let go.  So, for a minute I will keep on hanging on and trying to "win" this game.

Ann

[flip]

I tend to violate most of the rules but they usually ignore it. Today I was up with machine running, adjusting the machine without permission and kissing nurses for no apparent reason.

[G-Ma]

well, the nurses were probably happy   

[Orange County Ca]

I was there when he kissed the nurse and he was p.o.ed.

[G-Ma]

OC..you are brave..I was going to go there but decided to just let it lay like roadkill....    

[flip]

all the nurses in my unit are young and female

[Mercurial]

The first two years are hard.

After that, it becomes something you mind less than mowing the lawn.

Two things to take into account there:  1.  Our lawn when I was growing up was an 1 1/2 acres.  2.  I always have a book I look forward to reading during treatment.

M:>

[Trikkechickk]

I bring a back scratcher to dialysis for the purpose of hitting the tech if they hurt me while cannulating my fistula.  Indeed, they are very careful.

[RichardMEL]

Damnit flip I want in your unit!!!! All my nurses are much older. Friendly and totally wonderful and professional... but... yeah not kissing material.

I can relate this story though which i thought was hilarious. I have one nurse and she's a sweetheart. She's from Hong Kong originally but has lived here for years. Anyway I have a new laptop and I've been changing the backgrounds on it to various images... I knew she and I would be discussing something so I specially downloaded a picture from HK for her - because she's going back in a few months to visit. So I got this picture of a HK tram in the street which i thought was pretty cool - they are very distinctive and VERY Hong Kong. Well so we had our talk and then I showed her the picture and she was translating verious signs and stuff "oh that's the bank, and that's the jewelery shop..." etc and then she paused and started laughing with this funny expression on her face... and she said "and there, that ad on the side of the tram.. that's what you need!" and I said huh??? and she whispered to me "that's an ad for viagra!" !! I nearly fell off my chair at that one kind of mortified for her, but also laughing so hard....

Incidently I don't need that particular product :p

[TynyWonder]

Devon,

Its good to see you are doing better today!       

~Tammy~

[G-Ma]

so RM...is she single? you need to watch for possibilities.....
Ann

[CW]

There are a thousand different perspectives on being a patient, coping and life's purpose. A lot of them have already been eloquently expressed, what I have to add is - you are here to have a positive impact on the world. We as patients have a unique perspective on life and we understand what is truly important (although it is hard earned). I have made a similar statement to yours - if it weren't for my child I wouldn't even try; but there are people who depend on us and we can do some good by letting those not impacted by Chronic Disease know that life is grand and they should enjoy it! Why fight, kill and steal when you could help, love and give. We have a job to do 

With love and support   

CW

[RichardMEL]

so RM...is she single? you need to watch for possibilities.....
Ann

lol no. she's married and probably 25 years older than me. She's a sweet lady though. She's only small though and it's funny last year for new year's I took in a bottle of french champagne (I was given it by my idiot father who seemed to think giving a guy on fluid restrictions a big bottle of bubbly was a good idea *sigh*) so I decided to share the love - after everyone had finished dialysis of course and the unit was officially closed. So I had the bubbly, someone else bought some chicken and a few of us sat around and had a drink and feed for the new year. Well this particular nurse had just HALF A GLASS of the bubbly and I found out a few days later that an hour or so later when her hubby was driving them somewhere she passed out (!) from the bubbly!!! Now it's been a bit of an ongoing joke in the unit. Too funny

She's also very amusing because she keeps telling me to go to dating sites and this sort of thing. I think she secretly wants to matchmake LOL. That's another ongoing joke too we have.

I love my nurses they are all really great

[paris]

RichardMel, I think your nurse is my long lost sister!!

Devon, how are you doing this week?  You are a strong person and you can do this.   

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Incidently I don't need that particular product :p

I do!!!!

[Bajanne]

I am only now reading this thread and I think it is positively tremendous. I really want to commend all of you who have given your input here.  It is not just for Devon.  So many go through this and need to understand that it is all part of this challenge that life has dealt us.  But we will make it.

I suppose I have been through all the stages.  Tonight, with all the lights turned off, my grandson and I sat on the gallery (veranda/porch) with the moon like a huge silver plate over this amazing view that I have.  It was a grandma/grandson moment as I told him of my mother and father, of his mother's relationship with them.  He talked about when he gets married one day (he is 5!!!!!!) and the fact that I might not be there.  But we both enjoyed the fact that I am here and I intend to be here for quite a while.   So those 4 hours three days a week are just my help to be with my grand son.

[G-Ma]

oh bajanne, what a nice time for you.

[monrein]

What a great description of your time spent with your grandson.  Special times indeed.

[devon]

Bajanne,

Yes!  Those are the moments that give life sense and purpose! 

Thanks for sharing that.

-devon

[paris]

Seeing the world thru a child's eyes can make the world look so good.   Thanks, Bajanne, for sharing such a sweet moment.

[TynyWonder]

just seeing and holding newborn & patting it's little, bitty butt, gives me peace & hope...........