Post dialysis - hours of depression, terribly upsetting

[ChristieVT]

Hi everyone,

I have been doing home dialysis for about a year now (almost) and the newest awful side-effect is the hours of very low depression I get afterwards.  I'm not necessarily tired, just very low attitude, hate hate everyone, no ambition for anything, talking or living.  I hate this part and want to figure out how to make it stop happening or how to deal with it better.  I have 2 young teenage daughters and I want to be the best I can be for them.  I usually do dialysis from 8-12 in the morning.    I do my dialysis every other day.

[MooseMom]

I am so very sorry to hear this.  Looking at your profile, it is apparent you've been through a lot.  I can't say I'm surprised you are depressed.  I'd imagine that most of us on this forum have experienced this at some point.  Do you think it would be helpful to find a therapist or speak to a health professional?  In all of your years of dealing with kidney disease, have you ever felt like this before, or is this something that you think is specific to home dialysis?  Are you doing home hemo?

[ChristieVT]

For another person I would also suggest some help like a therapist.  I just hate using up anymore time on dealing with my health.  Argh!  I feel I spend too much time devoted to health issues, with dialysis clinic, nephrology appointments, dermatology, cardiology, etc.  I guess I'm in a bad place comparing myself to other, so called, healthy women/moms.  Just tired of being me.  I want some good news.  My girls are healthy, beautiful and smart, so that is good.

[Michael Murphy]

Let's face the gorilla in the room being on dialysis sucks.  No two ways about the only good thing about dialysis is I am alive.  This disease will suck you into a black hole of despair.  One must work at staying positive.  How long has it been since you took a me day, did things you want to.  Treat your self.  Plus speak to your nephrologist about your depression.  You are not your disease, you have survived and that is what is important.  Your daughters have a mom they can be proud off.  I deal with the never ending treadmill of medical stuff by living one week at a time, on Friday I celebrate being finished with a week of dialysis next week is next weeks problem,  I now have week ends to enjoy.  In a way it's like having a job you hate, the good news is every moment you have with your daughters is the pay you receive for doing dialysis.  Good Luck.

[PrimeTimer]

Sounds like you could be in a rut. Or perhaps this is a side effect of dialysis and no kidneys.

The definition of a rut: a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change.
"the administration was stuck in a rut and was losing its direction"  "boring routine, humdrum existence, habit, dead end "he was stuck in a rut"

Possible solution: Self-indulgence! For me, it was buying a new shade of lipstick the other day. That's right, a silly cheap tube of lipstick helped. Cymbalta may also help as does coming to this site.

[PrimeTimer]

Sounds like you could be in a rut. Or perhaps this is a side effect of dialysis and no kidneys.

The definition of a rut: a habit or pattern of behavior that has become dull and unproductive but is hard to change.
"the administration was stuck in a rut and was losing its direction"  "boring routine, humdrum existence, habit, dead end "he was stuck in a rut"

Possible solution: Self-indulgence! For me, it was buying a new shade of lipstick the other day. That's right, a silly cheap tube of lipstick helped. Cymbalta may also help as does coming to this site.

So that you don't think of me as an insensitive jerk, my point is that maybe start with something small and slowly build up to goals that are meaningful to just you. You'd be surprised at how much one small personal indulgence can make your brain switch gears, if not for the entire day. Psychiatrists can teach you these things as well as prescribe antidepressants. They'll know how to proceed. 

[MooseMom]

For another person I would also suggest some help like a therapist.  I just hate using up anymore time on dealing with my health.  Argh!  I feel I spend too much time devoted to health issues, with dialysis clinic, nephrology appointments, dermatology, cardiology, etc.  I guess I'm in a bad place comparing myself to other, so called, healthy women/moms.  Just tired of being me.  I want some good news.  My girls are healthy, beautiful and smart, so that is good.

First of all, apologies for having missed that you are on home hemo.  Other than you current emotional state, are you doing well with this modality?

Second of all, I totally get not wanting to spend more time on your health issues, so I can see where a therapist might not work for you.  I don't think I'd want to spend what little free time I had yabbering on about dialysis to someone who might not even know the first thing about it.

I'd think it's pretty normal to compare yourself with healthy people who can just get on with life and not have to deal with something as overwhelming as dialysis.  It's easy to say that it's counterproductive and pointless to think that way, but we can't always control how we feel.

It's amazing what we do in the name of love for our kids.  You want to be with them in this life, so you endure dialysis.  It's great that they are terrific girls, but you have your own life, and right now, that life is hard.

I am hoping that joining IHD and posting here might help in some small way.  Everyone here is very willing to share their experiences and their coping mechanisms.  Maybe someone will post something that resonates with you.

Can you tell us some more about your daughters?  What do they like to do?  Do they like school?  Which subjects do they like?  How do they feel about you being on dialysis and about the transplants you've had? 

Edited to add:  I see that you are on the list for a 4th transplant.  Does this give you hope?  Do you see home hemo as just a temporary bridge to a transplant, or do you suspect that you're on dialysis for the long haul?  Could this be a possible source of depression?

[Charlie B53]

It is very difficult for many persons suffering from any level of depression to admit it enough to see a Therapist and start taking a medication that can make a big difference.

I see this in my Wife.  She came home from the hospital just today but while she was in for suspected heart issue I made SURE that a Psych referral was made.  The Dr had a nice little chat with her, increased her Prozac a little and added a small sleeping pill.  I think it will make a difference.  Now I just need to convince her to take the sleeping pill as she doesn't want to admit she really needs it.


Women, You can always tell them.  You just can't tell them much.

The very First Rule of taking care of your Children, You got to take care of yourself.  If you ain't taking care of your self you may not be there to help them.  So make the decision to get a little help.  See a Therapist.  Later on you will be glad you did.

And find something to occupy your time during Dialysis.  I read, surf the web, listen to music. Do crossword puzzles.  It all helps to pass the time go by a lot quicker.

[LorinnPKD]

I guess I'm in a bad place comparing myself to other, so called, healthy women/moms.  Just tired of being me. 

Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.  People have a way of covering up their trials/frustrations and pretending everything is perfect, especially on Facebook etc., and you never know what is really happening with them.

You're doing OK.  Really.

[iolaire]

Could a change of treatment route give you less time to sink into a funk?  For example a nighttime treatment where you zonk out afterwards?  When I get morning treatments I feel out of sorts the rest of the day, sort of like I have cold.  I find myself delaying work projects that require more thinking because I know I can not focus that well for that day.  (But I will say when I do morning treatments on vacation I'm more able to hit the ground going and have a full productive (but maybe shorted) day - so part of the funk is mental.)

[Charlie B53]

Sometimes I really HATE this laptop.  That touch=pad and my fat thumb do not see eye to eye.  II all too often have a whole sentence, or paragraph, and either the curser has moved making my last letters/words in the totally wrong place, or it highlights large sections and the next keystroke deletes it all.  Very frustrating.

I have quite the imagination, it very often runs wild.  It makes my life interesting.

So many more people are being diagnosed and getting on dialysis.

Not so long ago neighborhood wives used to get together daily at one home or another for an hour or three of 'coffee' and chat about everything going on, kids, laundry, husbands, etc..

Imagine a community center with groups of dialysis machines laid out in circles around large tables well equipped with coffee machines, snacks, etc..  Ladies could do their treatments while yakking with the others pretty much like they used to.  It would pass the time much quicker, and develop a greater sense of 'community'.

It could be a good thing.

Told you I have an imagination.

[MooseMom]

How are you doing today, ChristieVT?

[smartcookie]

Christy, I am so sorry you are going through this.  Depression sucks just as much as dialysis.  I know you aren't keen on the idea of going to a therapist, but how about finding an outlet to vent your depression?  Like journaling.  That has helped me so much through the years.  Just start by writing down exactly what you are thinking, even if it is "Journaling is stupid and I am hungry."  Anything that you are feeling, pour it out on that page.  It is called stream of consciousness.  It helps you target why you are feeling bad and what areas of your life to work on personally.  Even if you don't want to work on anything, just getting those feelings out is great.  Scream, cry, rage or even just sitting quietly helps, too.  Depression often happens when you can't get out what you are feeling.  Please continue to post on here and feel free to message me if you need to talk. 

[GA_DAWG]

I would agree that dialysis can be overwhelming at times, with all the "rules" about how much fluid you are allowed or what you can or cannot eat, to the simple fact of not having the time available that you spend hooked up. But, if approached from another angle, you are alive. You are still there for your daughters. It becomes rather a glass half full or glass half empty proposition. Imagine if dialysis were not available. Your daughters would be in mourning for their mother. As it is, you are still available to them every day. I hate the washed out feeling after a session and the fact that there are so many things I once enjoyed that I cannot do any longer. But I am very thankful for being able to still be with my family rather than the alternative.

[Rerun]

You have 2 teenage daughters? !!!!  Start drinking Whiskey - straight up! 

     

[OldKritter]

The above advice of 'have a me day' is excellent. 
One good day can change your outlook for a week.
Try it.

[Charlie B53]

I have to agree with Rerun's suggestion.  Alcohol, in moderation, can be a great friend.

If you are in the right state, and have an obliging Dr, Medical Marijuana is another possibility.  If you are NOT in the right state, be more careful.

ALL Things in Moderation.  Lots of wisdom in that statement.  Too bad I'm not the one that came up with the concept.

[Cowdog]

My Nephrologist prescribed top shelf bourbon for those occasional rough days. He was right!!!!

[smartcookie]

How are you doing today, Christy? 

One thing that someone said recently on the forum (I can't remember who or where I saw it, though) that really resonated with me.  Pick something you really enjoy to snack on, read, watch or do that you don't normally get to do at home.  Make that time on dialysis your me time.  For instance, watch celebrity gossip shows on youtube.  Read a book you have always wanted to read.  Eat a special food you enjoy (but probably is renal friendly so the dietician doesn't breathe down your neck!).  Browse this forum!  Pick up style magazines to look at.  Color.  Do word puzzles.  Meditate. 

I hope you are doing better and feeling better.  I am rooting for you!

[kristina]

Hello Christie,
I agree what iolaire has mentioned already about having your treatment during the evenings? It could help you to wake up next morning with a different attitude, because if you have your treatment during the morning, it is obvious that you don't feel too good during the rest of the day, but if you have your treatment during the evening, there is not much of the day left for you to be upset about?
Good luck and best wishes from Kristina.

[Charlie B53]

I may have failed to ask, about how much is your average 'take off'?  I haven't been on Hemo very long but from my short so far experience I felt the larger the take-off the more tired I became from the treatment.  Days that there is little or no tale-off I feel much better afterwards.

I have a suspicion that very strict fluid control makes a huge difference in my 'feeling' after treatments.

[Riki]

I have a friend on Facebook (I think she's on here too, but I can't remember her nick), who has been to Hell and back with this disease, does makeup how to videos and glams herself up to perk herself up.  She posted a pic of what she did in her latest video today, and she was a total knockout.  Not that she isn't anyway, *G*  But the job she did was phenomenal.  I'd love for her to do me up sometime, and I told her so.

Finding something that you like to do, and you find fun, is a good way to get out of that funk.  I play video games.  Silly kid's games, not the violent war games that seem so popular these days.  I also treat myself to garlic fingers after dialysis on Monday nights.  They are totally not renal friendly, but they are a treat, and I don't have them any other time.  The place I get them from sells them half price Monday nights, which is why it's that day. Before the finger wagging starts (jk), my dietician knows I do it, and she's cool with it, as long as my levels stay good.

[Charlie B53]

Garlic? Not good?  Oh, I'm in trouble.  I add ground garlic to most EVERYTHING!

[MooseMom]

How are you today, Christie?

[Charlie B53]

11 days, no words. My imagination runs wild.  Good, bad, indifferent. I can go either way.  Christy said her Daughters are healthy and smart.  I take this as a sign that Christie is doing a fine job as a Mother.  Adding the fact Christie is daily dealing with life as a kidney survivor, this is even further proof of great strength in face of her physical problems.

We ALL wish we were 'normal' and healthy, but I fall back on me Belief that this Life is but a test of my ability to deal with the many pitfalls that occur.  Somehow, I Believe, that I and the others I have contact with, are learning something from every day. I don't realize what most of these lessons are, much less understand why, only that "This too shall pass".  Well........... this kidney 'thing' ain't gonna pass.  It's with me every day.  What I am learning from it?  I don't know.  And I don't understand.

Some one else long ago sad something I do Believe.  "Ours is not to reason why".

I try to make something of every day that I am granted.  Many days I fail to make much, but I try.  That's all I can do, try, and keep on trying.  Some days are easier than others.