Bob's Blog 12-31-16: Random Ramblings

[BobN]

Bob Here

Happy New Year to all as I empty my attic of thoughts, some dialysis-related, some just random ramblings which may show signs of PESD.

(Post-Election Stress Disorder, that is.)

Being on dialysis, I'm all too familiar with very long, very painful processes.  But this election season turned out to be the ultimate test of endurance. 

For you lucky non-dialysis folks, it was probably akin to having your gums scraped for six months in the dentist's chair.

I honestly think they should scrap all the antiquated forms of torture being used in the field.  Waterboarding?  Hah, I say.  Just strap our adversaries to a chair and force them to watch an ongoing stream of political ads.  They'll give up all their secrets, their children, their mother, whatever we want.  And in a relatively short amount of time.  I promise.

Ok, let's get this out of the way while we're on the subject of TV.  I have never seen a single episode of "Game of Thrones," "The Walking Dead," "Downton Abbey," "Homeland," or "House of Cards."  These were all nominated for Emmy awards this past season.  Also nominated were "Better Call Saul," "Mr. Robot," and "The Americans."  Not only have I never watched any of the latter three, but I had never heard of them at the time the nominations were announced.

Needless to say, I skipped the awards show this year.

Binge watching?  Sure, I'll partake.  Serve me up some "Star Trek," "Bonanza," "The Odd Couple," or "I Love Lucy."  And, I guess it'd be okay if we sprinkled in some "Cheers," "Taxi," and yes, even a few "I Dream of Jeannie" episodes.

It never ceases to amaze me how dialysis mishaps tend to come in bunches.  You can go along your merry way for weeks, even months on end without anything being amiss with your machines.

Then, we were making a new batch of dialysate in our Pureflow, and we got a CSC Test failure and a Sak Compromised error all in the same day.  Not only that, but it turns out that the control unit crapped out at the same time and had to be replaced.  I asked if the first two errors were related to the loss of the control unit.  "No.  Those are totally separate," said the guy from Nextstage. 

Somewhere, the dialysis gods were having themselves a snicker at my expense that day.

A wise man once said, "Regular naps can prevent old age.  Especially if you take them while driving."

There's definitely a wide disparity in workout clothes investment going on.  I walked through a Lululemon store recently.  Turns out the cost of one pair of these yoga pants used by a lot of the women in my gym cost more than the entire assortment of old shorts and ragged t-shirts that I use.

And, for that matter, you could toss in the clothes I wear for dialysis treatments as well.

So this hunter calls 911 after his friend has a heart attack.  The hunter tells the dispatcher, "I think my friend is dead."  The dispatcher says, "I can help.  But first, let's make sure he's really dead."  The line goes silent, a shot is heard, and then the hunter gets back on and says, "Okay, now what?"

That one always cracks me up.

So, I hear Google is calling their self-driving cars project "Waymo."  Is that as in, "Waymo likely to die?"

I don't know about you, but I'll be ready to hop into one of those self-driving cars right after I fly to the moon on my magic carpet.

I was having a conversation with one of my dialysis attendants a long while ago.  She somehow got on the subject of lawyers just as we were setting up.  "In my opinion," she said, "they're just a bunch of bloodsuckers."  As she spouted this bit of venom, she was turning my machine on and it started circulating my blood.  The irony hit both of us at about the same time.  We were still laughing an hour later.

Football game broadcasts feel like 30 minutes of football and three and a half hours of commercials.  Now I hear the commissioner is complaining that the games are too long?  Helllooooo....

Sunday Night Football?  Tony Dungy and Rodney Harrison are so good, they make watching a show with Dan Patrick bearable.

Ok, just one more blurb about football.  Really want to lose weight?  Drop your current team and adopt the New York Giants.  Current fans know what I'm talking about.  The stress from watching the Giants will peel off those extra pounds in no time.

I still maintain that hockey is the best sport to watch live.  Those of you who disagree with me have probably never been to a live game.

By the way, when did being rich become a requirement to attending a live sporting event??

I really thought Mrs. Northam's youngest boy had seen everything until I witnessed the Pokemon Go phenomenon this past summer.  My best oft-repeated responses to nearly getting plowed over by a person or group partaking were, "Really?" and "Seriously?"  Of course if the perpetrators were adults, my answer changed to, "Are you <bleeping> kidding me??"

We've figured out the perfect lifestyle situation for the beach.  We want summer weather and winter crowds.  Is that so much to ask?

I know you're all anxiously awaiting my picks, so here they are.  The best movie I saw this past year was "Sully."  The best book was "Killing the Rising Sun" by Bill O'Reilly.  Best TV show?  Uh...well...let me see now...

Tell you what, I'll get back to that.

If there's a dumber idea out there than parkour, I'd sure like to know what it is.

E-cigarettes, you say?  Legalizing marijuana?  Well, ok maybe.  But, seems to me that if you want to fall off a building, you don't really need someone to train you for it.

HGTV is a sure cure for insomnia.

Best movies with dialysis?  I know I'll get a lot of "Steel Magnolias."  And even a few mentions of "Star Trek IV," referencing where McCoy comes up to a patient who says she's on dialysis.  "Dialysis," spits McCoy.  "What is this, the Dark Ages?"  But my vote goes to "Who's Life Is It, Anyway?" 

I particularly like the part where the attendants sneak their quadriplegic patient off the basement to hear their band play an impromptu session.  When questioned by staff members about where they're taking him, the attendants say, "Dialysis."  The band scatters when a security guard finds them.  "Hey, what are you doing here?" the guard barks at the patient, who's been left behind.  "Isn't this dialysis?" he says.  Good stuff.

I moseyed into a Target store recently, looking for "Hatchimals" for my grandkids.  I had no idea these infernal things were so hard to get.  I asked a young lady if they had any.  She looked at me pitiably.  "Uh, nooooo," she said.  "When they do come in, we give out tickets at the door, starting at 6 a.m."  "Aha," I said, before slinking off.  I thought about playing the, "But I'm on dialysis and can't get here that early" card, but then I figured one pathetic look per visit was quite enough.

The wife was feeling brave around the holidays and wanted me to go to Christmas Eve service with her.  Then she was reminded why that's such a bad idea.

We came to a part of the service where the printed program said we were going to hear a solo song by someone named "Maggie" something.  When it came to Maggie's turn, some guy got up and started singing.  For some reason, I found that intensely funny and was busting a gut trying to keep from laughing out loud.  "Damn," I said to the wife.  "That's the ugliest Maggie I've ever seen."  Then I was convulsing again.  For her part she was ignoring me/pretending she didn't know who I was.

The growth and success of Starbucks is really something to see.  Then again, it helps when you sell an addictive product.

On the other hand, the airline industry is about the least "customer-centric" business imaginable.  If retailers ran their operations like the airlines, the only people getting rich would be the bankruptcy lawyers.

As I've discussed previously, my personal ineptitude with machinery, or anything with mechanically moving parts, sometime extends to my aura, or mere being.  In other words, I can screw up a machine just by walking in a room.  Recently, our centrifuge, which had never shown any signs of trouble, was in its spin cycle on top of a mini-fridge we keep in the dialysis area.  It suddenly shook violently, fell off the fridge and rolled down the hallway.  Now, I was on treatment at the time, but the wife still eyed me suspiciously.  I said, "Hey you can't blame that one on me."  She just snorted and chased after the unit, not looking at all convinced of my innocence.

So, I hear the latest craze is to hide and spend the night in an IKEA store.  Heck, if I was going to risk arrest, I'd find a better place than IKEA.  Maybe a toy store?  Or, even better, a liquor store.  C'mon people, jazz up the old imagination some, willya?

Oh yeah.  My favorite TV show, right?  Well, I really like the "C'mon Man" segment of the Monday Night Football pregame show.  Does that count?

Thanks for reading.  Once again, Happy New Year.  Take care.

[MooseMom]

That bit in Star Trek where McCoy comments on the barbarity of dialysis has stuck with me for years, ever since I first saw that movie.

[BobN]

MM, that line has always stood out to me as well.  McCoy just gave her a couple of pills and she was cured.  If only...

[kristina]

Many thanks Bob for all the giggles I could enjoy whilst reading through your wonderful thoughts and vivid imagination... Many thanks again and all my best wishes to you for an as-healthy-as-possible and as-happy-as-possible 2017 from Kristina.

[Simon Dog]

MM, that line has always stood out to me as well.  McCoy just gave her a couple of pills and she was cured.  If only...

Miracles in medical progress do happen.  Not too long ago Hep-C was a lifetime sentence.  Now, there are very effective pills .... if you can afford them.

[Riki]

I love reading your posts, Bob.  They always make me laugh.  I hope you have a wonderful 2017.

Just a few comments and questions...

Happy New Year to all as I empty my attic of thoughts, some dialysis-related, some just random ramblings which may show signs of PESD.

(Post-Election Stress Disorder, that is.)

I think that is perfect, and you should have it copywrited.  You could make a few extra dollars.

We've figured out the perfect lifestyle situation for the beach.  We want summer weather and winter crowds.  Is that so much to ask?

I agree totally.  Can't wait to go to the beach this year, considering that since it's Canada's 150th birthday, the National Parks across the country are free to enter (well, they're free to enter anyway, but you have to pay to park *G*)  We'll be able to go to the PEI National Park beaches without paying for a $50 parking pass.

If there's a dumber idea out there than parkour, I'd sure like to know what it is.

I'll tell you as soon as you tell me what parkour is. *G*

So, I hear the latest craze is to hide and spend the night in an IKEA store.  Heck, if I was going to risk arrest, I'd find a better place than IKEA.  Maybe a toy store?  Or, even better, a liquor store.  C'mon people, jazz up the old imagination some, willya?

I actually have a friend in NYC (I think, it's possible he lives in New Jersey) who is a comedian and film maker.  A few years ago, he got permission to stay in an IKEA in New Jersey for a week while his apartment was being fumigated.  His wife (who is one smart lady) decided to stay with friends. *G*  He also lived for 30 days on a Jet Blue airplane.  I believe the plane now has his face on it.  His name is Mark Malkoff, and videos from both of those are available online if you want to see them.

[Jean]

You have been so missed Bob. Thanks for the snarky giggles.

[BobN]

kristina, likewise wishing you a happy and healthy year ahead as well.

SimonDog, you're right, we should never give up hope.

Riki, thanks so much.  Oh, and as for parkour, here's the wikipedia definition:

Parkour is a training discipline using movement that developed from military obstacle course training.  Practitioners aim to get from one point to another in a complex environment, without assistive equipment and in the fastest and most efficient way possible. Parkour includes running, climbing, swinging, vaulting, jumping, rolling, quadrupedal movement, and other movements as deemed most suitable for the situation.  Parkour's development from military training gives it some aspects of a non-combative martial art.

However, that's a little dry and doesn't do justice to what these nutjobs...er...I mean, practitioners do.  Here's a link to youtube that will give you a better idea and explain why I, for one, will never partake:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX7QNWEGcNI

Jean, thanks and Happy New Year!

[Riki]

Riki, thanks so much.  Oh, and as for parkour, here's the wikipedia definition:

Parkour is a training discipline using movement that developed from military obstacle course training.  Practitioners aim to get from one point to another in a complex environment, without assistive equipment and in the fastest and most efficient way possible. Parkour includes running, climbing, swinging, vaulting, jumping, rolling, quadrupedal movement, and other movements as deemed most suitable for the situation.  Parkour's development from military training gives it some aspects of a non-combative martial art.

However, that's a little dry and doesn't do justice to what these nutjobs...er...I mean, practitioners do.  Here's a link to youtube that will give you a better idea and explain why I, for one, will never partake:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX7QNWEGcNI

ok, I see your point. *G*