Bob's Blog 4-4-15: The Old Stink-Eye

Bob Here.

It's really hard to show off any of your talents while you're on dialysis. And I'm talking about while you're actually having a treatment.

I mean, you're tethered to this monster of a machine, and we all know the slightest movement can cause the sounding of an alarm that can make you grind your teeth down to stubs.

I, however, was actually able to hone a new ability during the seven some odd years when I was having in-center hemo sessions. And that enviable talent was the knack for bringing out the old stink-eye from members of the staff.

Now, I recognize that some of you might not be familiar with the phrase, but I promise anyone with a spouse, significant other, business associate, friend, or even casual acquaintance has had experience with either giving or, heaven-forbid, receiving the old stink-eye.

Just think about a time when you might have done something untoward in the presence of another.

C'mon now. We've all had them, right? You don't have to be a terminal misbehaver or completely incorrigible.

(Hmmm. Do we all know anybody like that?)

Then just try to remember the look you got at the time. Stink-eye can alternatively be known as a dirty look, evil eye, glare, scornful stare, crook eye, hairy eyeball, or skunk-eye. It can more generally be described as a look of contempt or disdain.

Now, the phrase might imply that one isn't making nice with the olfactory neurons of another (hence the "stink"), but I promise, stink-eye doesn't necessarily mean that one's bathing habits aren't up to par. It can be brought about by obnoxious behavior as well.

An instance that immediately pops into my mind involves a party we were invited to by some of my wife's friends some time ago.

Now, we all know how I feel about parties in general or more specifically, socializing, right? Most times, I'd rather have my prostate examined by a doctor with nails like Edward Scissorhands than attend any kind of event where I'm required to interact with others.

But, of course, the wife replied by effusively thanking the host for the invitation and saying that we would both be thrilled to attend.

I remember thinking, "Oh, just take me now Lord."

But, it turns out when the day of the get-together rolled around, I was feeling poorly.

I know, all you suspicious types are out there thinking that I was probably feigning illness to get out of going.

Don't feel bad. That's what the wife thought too.

About an hour before the ETD, I was laying in bed, wrapped up like a sheet-burrito, and feeling like death warmed over plus a year.

It was one of those days you alternate between sleeping and praying for death.

The wife came into our room looking duly concerned and asking about how I was feeling and if there was anything she could do.

After I assured her that there wasn't, she just perked up and said, "Ok good. Be ready to go in an hour!"

I thought, "Well, so much for sentimentality."

So, off we went, and, as expected, I found the affair about as exciting as watching snow melt, and it didn't take long for me to start getting the old stink-eye from my significant other.

I somehow got cornered by a real talkative guy, the type you ask what time it is and he tells you how to build a watch.

I tried sending subtle physical messages trying to get away from him, but it was like trying to stop an aircraft carrier with a marshmallow shooter.

I finally stopped the torrential flood of inanity by heading off to the bathroom. The wife showed the initial stages of the old stink-eye, and called out.

"Where are you going?"

Now I didn't want to yell back something crass like pointing out my intention to hurl, or blow chunks.

I said, "I'm going to call Ralph on the big white phone."

Hoping she'd understand my code words.

Then, I got the full blast of the old stink-eye. And continued getting versions of it for the rest of the evening.

Anyway, my contemporaries at a few of the dialysis centers where I did treatment also became familiar with providing the old stink-eye over time.

I had a regular attendant at one of my early places of "business." She was a very nice young lady and very good at what she did.

I came in for a treatment and saw that there was a new patient in the next chair over and sensed that my attendant was trying to make a good impression.

"Hello darling, just a little off the top today," I said sitting down.

She hit me with the beginnings of the old stink-eye.

"Bob, don't start with your nonsense today. Can't you see we have a new patient? We wouldn't want to scare him off now would we?"

"No. Sorry. I'll behave, I promise. So, are we going draped or undraped today?"

"What?"

I looked over at the new guy. "This is a fun center to be in. Clothing is optional."

"Bob," said the attendant through grit teeth. The stink-eye was almost at full bloom.

"Hah, just kidding. So what time does the entertainment start today?"

"Bob..." Now the stink-eye was in full force.

"What kind of entertainment?" asked the new guy. I just started laughing.

Then the attendant got a mischievous look about her. "Oh, it involves flaming hoops and trampolines," she said.

The new patient and I were just staring at her. Then the three of us were cracking up.

I thought, no wonder I like her so much. She gives me stink-eye one minute and she's in on the joke the next.

Another time in the same center, the charge nurse came around with a new dialysis auditor. The auditors make occasional appearances in every center to make sure that all policies and procedures are being followed. The visits range from being a mere nuisance to an evil force of nature to the staff.

Our nurse was introducing her to all the patients individually. The auditor looked like the stern, no-nonsense type and I instantly guessed that she was good at what she did.

As they came over to my chair, my nurse was looking nervous and was already giving me a kind of stink-eye preview.

So, I acted on my best behavior, gave direct and succinct answers to all her questions and praised the nurse and the attendants every chance I got. The nurse smiled at me, looking eminently relieved.

"Well, very nice meeting you," said the auditor as she made to move on.

"Same here," I said.

They were walking over to the next chair, when I called out to her.

"Oh, by the way, did you hear the one about the naked body they found in the street?"

They both stopped and stared at me, and yes, the nurse's stink-eye was back big time.

The auditor stammered, "Well, No...no I didn't..."

I said, "Yeah, they knew it was a nurse because her stomach was empty, her bladder was full, and her ass was chewed. Ha ha ha..."

The nurse stifled a laugh, but the auditor just moved on to the next patient completely straight-faced.

Tough audience, I thought.

Now, I didn't only specialize in evoking the old stink-eye from medical professionals. The support staff was always pretty adept at getting in on some of that action as well.

One day, the center's social worker was walking around introducing everybody to a trainee, who was fresh out of college.

The poor girl was accompanying the more experienced woman on her rounds.

I sensed a little hesitation on the part of our regular social worker as they approached my chair. But, she must have been feeling brave that day, as she did bring the trainee over to meet me.

Not surprisingly, I was already getting the beginnings of the old stink-eye as the social worker made her introductions. It was like she was warning me to be on my best behavior.

So, the meet and greet went okay and I thought they were just going to pack up and move on, when the trainee suddenly went into interview mode.

"So Bob," she said. "I know you still work. Any questions about your emotional needs and coping skills?"

The intensity of the stink-eye got turned up a notch. My regular social worker knew how much I hated the annual assessment and any associated inquiries.

"Questions?" I said. "Okay, sure, do you know the difference between humor and aroma?"

The new girl was just staring at me, while the SW was now sporting her very best stink-eye.

"Umm...no..." the trainee said hesitantly.

I said, "Humor is a shift of wit."

The SW stifled a laugh, but the trainee was still befuddled.

"Ha ha ha," I laughed. "Get it? Because aroma is a whiff of..."

"Yes Bob," the SW broke in. "We get it. Thank you very much. We'll just be moving on now."

Now, granted, generating stink-eye doesn't exactly rank up there with being able to hit a ball out of the park or paint a masterpiece. But, I'd say I did a pretty decent job of refining everybody's stink-eye skills over time.

Thanks for reading. Take care.