Bob's Blog 11-2-13: Old Rule: You Ain't Cool

[BobN]

Bob Here.

You've all heard the old saying, "You're only as old as you feel."

Well, in that case, my age must be approaching my area code.

Moving out of state, I had to bring my car in for a new inspection sticker.

Little did I realize that the experience would make me feel so old, I wondered if the guys in the shop thought I probably took my driver's test on a dinosaur.

I drive a red convertible sports car, and hey, you didn't hear the words 'mid-life crisis' from me.

The guys doing the inspection were in my age group, but there were a couple of younger guys working in the shop as well.

One of them came out of the garage over to where I was sitting and said, "Your ride's bad, man."

Of course, I panicked, and I said, "Why?? Is something wrong with the suspension??"

The young man just gave me a look like he was wondering how I escaped from the home.

I clearly didn't get the message from his disdainful look because after he walked away shaking his head, one of the older guys came out to tell me my car was ready.

"Is there something wrong with the suspension??" I asked, still in panic mode.

He just looked at me.  Then he said, "Not that I know of.  Why?"

"Well, 'junior' over there said my ride was bad."

The guy just snorted.

"No," he started off like he was talking to a first grader.  "Your 'ride' means your car.  And saying it's 'bad' means it's good.  That he liked it."

I did my best to slough it off.  "Oh...yeah...I knew that, heh heh."

But the guy was still looking at me with a mixture of wonder and pity.

So, I settled my bill without any more communications disasters and drove off, still feeling about an inch tall.

As many of you who know me are aware, I rank pretty low on the "coolness" scale.

I daresay I can hold my own on any numerical matter, but when it comes to culture, I'm a complete pinhead.

And, I broadly define culture as including any kind of modern lingo, anything having to do with the arts, current cultural rages, popular television shows, celebrities, social networks, fashion, design, or anything else for that matter that might be mildly associated with living with a somewhat updated outlook.

And, of course, those of you who know me also know that I blame the whole darn shootin' match of cultural density on being on dialysis.

I mean, how can I be expected to keep up with the times when I'm hooked up to that blasted machine for seemingly half my life?

I don't know for sure but I'd bet there aren't too many museum curators on the Big D.

Also most of you know that my career was in corporate finance, which means that my idea of a wild time is reading the 'Heard on the Street' column in the Wall Street Journal.

The last several years of my career coincided with the growth of social media.  And, since I was in charge of my company's marketing budget, I basically had to learn a new language and had to be dragged kicking and screaming into a whole different way of staying current.

I always felt a little out-of-place when I spoke about some of these new concepts.  Kind of like Yogi Berra quoting Shakespeare.

One time, a woman from our digital business came in to get approval for a small expense.

She overlooked my blank expression when she said the funding would help keep us up to speed with the 'Twitterati.'

I really didn't understand the whole program, but since it wasn't a lot of money, I approved the request.

As she was leaving my office, she turned around and said the initiative was 'droolworthy."  I just nodded.  Then I thought for a minute.

Did she say 'droolworthy?'  As in, the results will make me drool?

Or as in, I'll look like more than the doddering old fool that I already do when this plan crashes and burns, with a blank expression and drool running down my chin??

So I yelled out, "Wait a minute!!"  She stopped short out in the hall and looked like I had just about given her a major coronary.

She came back in.  I said, "Droolworthy.  Is that good or bad??"

She just breathed a sigh of relief and shook her head.

"Droolworthy is good," she said, smiling.  "You'll look like a real badboy for approving this project."

Then she was off again.  I had a fleeting thought about calling her back to assure me that 'badboy' is good as well, but I let it go.

Sometimes it's better just not knowing, but assuming the best.

This generation-borne gap certainly exists in the dialysis center as well.

I had an attendant in one of the first centers I went to who knew I was a little sensitive about getting older and having time pass me by.

He also knew that I could take a joke, so he never passed up the opportunity to kid me about my age.

He came up to me one day during treatment and said, "So Bob, you know the other day I saw an old guy sitting on a park bench sobbing hysterically?"

"Yeah," I said warily.

"So I went up to him and I said, 'Sir, what's wrong?'  He says, 'I have a beautiful 20 year old wife who likes to make passionate love to me.'  I said to him, 'So, why are you crying?'  He says, 'Because I can't remember where I live.'  Ha ha ha ha...."

I just snorted a laugh and went back to my book.

While I was in this center with my 'coolness' factor continuing to deteriorate, I had occasion to sit next to a much younger dialysis patient who had lost her kidney function due to an inherited disorder.

I always admired her positive spirit despite being on dialysis at such a young age.

During one treatment, we were sitting next to each other and both listening to our iPods with earphones.  My attendant buddy saw this as a golden opportunity.

He came over to our chairs with a big smile.

"Hey, I bet you two are listening to the same music," he said.

I just looked at him.  "I seriously doubt that," I said.

"So, what are you listening to?" he asked my neighbor.

She said, "Oh, I just got through with a great piece from Neutral Milk Hotel.  My next one is new from Avenged Sevenfold."

I just sat there staring at her.  I honestly didn't know if she was making these names up as part of a conspiracy with the attendant.

"Really?" the attendant said with an even bigger smile.  "So Bob, you got any Neutral Milk Hotel on your iPod?"

I said, "Well, I spilled milk on my iPod once.  Does that count?"

Then we all laughed.

Then, before I knew what was happening, he snatched up my iPod and looked at the readout.

"Hmmm, the Dave Clark Five, huh?  Very cool Bob.  Very cool."

We looked over at the youngster, and she was looking at me curiously.

"The Dave Clark Five?" she said.  "Not sure I'm familiar with them.  Are they Alternative?  Electroclash?  Ethereal?  What's their scene?"

"Oh no," I said sheepishly.  Of course, I tried to cover up my cluelessness by making something up.  "None of those things.  They're more...um...progressive psychedelic rock..."

"Huh," she said, looking at me doubtfully then plugging her earphones back in.  The attendant looked like he was going to burst.

"Well," he said, "Your treatment's going great Bob.  I'll let you get back to your progressive psychedelic rock." 

I called him back over.  "Did you know there were three things that happen to you as you get older?"

"Oh really, he said.  "What are they?"

I said, "The first is your memory goes..."

He said, "Yeah?"

I said, "I can't remember the other two..."

Both he and my neighbor had a good laugh over that one.

Sometimes, the best defense is a good offense.

Thanks for reading.  Stay young and keep smiling.

[obsidianom]

In our world the following groups are COOL
Beatles, Beach Boys(now old men), Buddy Holly, Petula Clark, Doobie brothers,  Temptations, Dionne Warwick, Four Tops, Drifters, Grass roots, Chicago, Three Dog Night, ----------ANY MUSIC FROM THE 1950s or 1960s , or early 1970s.    There is no other music in our house.
We still have vinyl records. I dont own an Ipod and have no cell phone service in our house in the woods. WE heat with wood.
Facebook means I fell asleep (my bedtime is 8:00Pm) with my face in the real paper book I am reading. Twitter means I just insulted some teenager (twit)
Google means infinity in math.   Where I live we still use tin cans to make "phone "calls.  and smoke signals to indicate we are home.
Our TV is so old it only has 3 colors and still prefers black and white movies.
I drive a 19 year old Ford Crown Victoria , a big big big old American (although this ford was made in canada) car. They dont make these anymore and its the best car I ever owned. Its like a giant tank on the roads.  My last new car was purchesed in 1990.  i hate car dealers and new anythings.
WE shop at Goodwill for clothes. My wife has a great wardrobe of Goodwill clothes. I pick them out for her.

So call me OLD Fashioned. I wouldnt have it any other way.

[cassandra]

Wow, that IS old! One day, I hope to be old too, with the artist formerly known as Prince, The Cure etc and ipad etc

[obsidianom]

Wow, that IS old! One day, I hope to be old too, with the artist formerly known as Prince, The Cure etc and ipad etc

Since you are from England   but "only 48"   , you missed all the great 1960s British Invasion music.  That was the vengeance for the American revolution. I remember old George Washington well.    He loved the Beatles secretely.   
Great trades. We got the colonies from England and you sent us The Rolling Stones, Hermans hermits, The Mindbenders, The Dave Clark Five , Lulu , etc to scramble the minds of Americas teenagers. God save the Queen.

[cassandra]

 
     

[willowtreewren]

Great humor, as always. 

[CebuShan]

I'm slightly more "with it". I'm proud to say that I now know what a hashtag is! In my day, we called it either the pound or sharp sign!    

[obsidianom]

Hashtag remeinds me of a game we played as kids in the 1950s when kids still went outside and PLAYED without adult supervision . The loser would have to eat the hash and we all know what that is made of. 
Rabbit ears were something that went on top of the black and white TV to try to actually see the picture . We had to move them around more than the real rabbit we stole them from.
Back then we actully believed the government was truthful and was here to help.  We soluted "Ike' , because we were told, "I like Ike". 
We believed the "check in the mail' would come because we were promised,  and postage only cost 3 cents and no one had "gone postal" ' yet.
When someone said "Ill respect you in the morning", ---------------- there were still people who believed it and now they are -------PARENTS
WE all used to look forward to the twice a year SEARS catalogue. For the girls it was to see the latest fashions . For the guys it was ----------well you guys all know what I am talking about . (the "under the latest fashion specials")    At least the models werent stick figure thin in those days. !!!

Well enough memory lane for now. I really am living in the 20th century ? now as I am using a computer and this marvel called the internet. THANK YOU AL GORE FOR INVENTING IT. !!!!    This is Dr. Sputnick signing off.

[Rerun]

Just remember Bob.... they too will be old someday Lord Willing!  LOL

To me if it ain't country it ain't music!!   

You are funny as always!

[UkrainianTracksuit]

This was such a great read!  Love the humour.

I think there is a certain grace to accepting age and joking about it.  In all honesty, I find that’s what’s really cool.  The un-cool folks are the ones trying to hard not to let go.  Does coolness ever really leave?

I don’t know half the music hipsters listen to today and I’m semi-young.  So even though I may be sitting there listening to my iPod, I’d still get the strange looks that the “golden oldies” get when they mention the Dave Clark Five.  And trust me, I’ve heard my mother say “Dave Clark Five!” more than I care to share.  Anytime there are those late night CD ads selling “sounds of the 60s” or PBS specials, my parents sing along.  I put my head in hands and walk away.

I don’t consider their music tastes or their views uncool.  It’s just their generation and what a generation it was!  Kids today need to realize the music they laugh at or have  faces to influenced whatever sound they’re listening to today. 

Since I’m the human dictionary of the home, I’m always asked “What’s Twitter?”  “What is a Instagram?”  Both of my parents are scared of Facebook.  They figure it’s just a way for “authorities” to collect more information about users.  In a way, they’re right.  They also don’t understand why would people care to know so much about each other.  As they’ve always told me, “Eyes and ears open but keep your mouth shut!”  Brainwashed, much? 

Then again, I’m biased towards simple things.  I did my share of chopping wood.  And prog psych rock.