Dating problems? self esteem?

[CatonTheRoof]

I would like to know if there's any young man here either on haemo or peritoneal that is single? 

Well, I have spoke with my psychologist sometimes about the fact I don't feel comfortable telling my story to girls nor less showing them the peritoneal cathether.     I have been considered handsome by girls since my late teens, but unfortunately this is isolating me from any kind of relationship.     I can speak to a girl, be open about almost everything, have good humor, etc.  But I simply always think that she'll reject me once I tell her about this whole thing..   Like why would a girl want to a date a guy having dialysis every single night through a cathether?     

Any advice from any of you that was in such a situation to begin with?  I believe its different if you were already on a relationship prior to getting sick...

[Relentless]

I have been on dialysis for 4 years. I met my wife 2 years ago while I was on dialysis.I think I finally built up enough courage to tell her probably 2month into it.  I was more afraid of her reaction more then her rejecting me. She basically just asked me lots of questions about my dialysis and my current health and decided to give it a try. She is a pediatric doctor so it wasn't like she was having a hard time finding dates. Lol.  I always had the attitude of not letting peoples action get to me. I'm not sure if I'm just lucky but I also had another relationship when I started dialysis with a paralegal but that one really didn't understand the extent of dialysis after I told her. I told her that I had kidney problems from the start but just didn't tell her the whole story probably until 6 month into dating. I showed her my graft at a bar after we got drunk because I was afraid of how she was going to react.  She also didn't seem to bother about it ,but I did also tell her that I was waiting for transplant.   I'm currently 35 and still waiting for the call.  Hopefully soon!  There are people out there are in much worse shape then we are looking for love.I have a friend who was in a car accident few years ago and he had brain damage from it. He is still able to drive to work and do everything but he is just a bit "off" in the head after the accident.  He slurs when he speaks like stroke victim and I saw that really turns girls off when me and him go out sometimes. much as I felt bad for my friend, I felt relived that my problem was dialysis as weird as that sounds.

Just keep going at it Catonroof, I promise you that there are girls out there who are willing to see past the dialysis. Who gives a shit about girls who think you are below them because of your conditions.  I was rejected by a waitress (not there is anything wrong with that) before I met my wife who is a doc. So that should tell you that there are girls out there with big heart.

[obsidianom]

My wife is on hemo dialysis and I wouldnt leave her or think less of her EVER. Life is full of complications and if a person cant accept  that she is not someone you want to invest time and effort into.
Look at it this way : if you meet a woman and are truthful and she will date you , yuo know right off she is special and someone of good character. Being truthful will weed out the jerks who wont be interested in you but arent worth your time either. Let this be a good test of a womans worth to you. See how they handle the truth. There are plenty of good , kind , caring women out there. GO FOR IT !!

[UkrainianTracksuit]

If you haven’t done so already, maybe you can search the forum to find the previous posts about dating?  There are some good thoughts and you’ll see you’re not the only one uneasy about this topic.

I’m not a guy so maybe I shouldn’t be answering? 

My perspectives never matter and I never give good advice.  Nonetheless, here are my two cents.

I’m in a relatively new relationship.  (It will be 3 months next month… but then again, us Slavs move fast.  Too much of that aphrodisiac cabbage and beets.)  I’ve been dealing with kidney disease for much longer than that.  It’s obvious that your catheter and dialysis are going to come up at some point.  However, before you reach this point, your personality and interests are going to be appraised first.  Once someone “loves” you and you’re able to be open about your flaws, she’ll accept it.  When someone loves the person that you are, they love all the parts of you.  Both good and bad.

My boyfriend is a boxer so he has many opportunities for beautiful, “well put together” and on top of it all HEALTHY women.  (Why yes, I’m envious of health.)  Like you, I ask myself, “What the heck is he doing with me?”  He has many opportunities to run for the hills.  He knows the future isn’t going to pretty and I may be a bit of a drag to be around at times. I personally didn’t give him enough credit.  I was the one that was wrong to pass quick judgement about his feelings.  Maybe you need to give girls some credit too?  Don’t throw in the towel that “a girl won’t be interested” so easily.  Even though you haven’t included those already in relationships when dialysis has struck, you can see for the most part, they’ve continued to love their partners. 

So, when you ask “why would any girl want to date a guy with a catheter on dialysis”, you must realize that you are more than that.  The right woman will love you for your personality, your knowledge, your special features and your quirks.  You are not just “the guy on dialysis” and I am sure if you take stock of yourself, there are qualities that a girl will think, “Hey, this is pretty cool guy.  I like spending time with him and I want to see where this can go.”  Maybe write these qualities down?  Lack of self esteem is difficult to overcome.  Nobody wants to do the “hug yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself” cheesy exercises either.  Even so, you have to focus on all the good you can add to someone’s life if they choose you.  Once you focus on the positive things you can offer, you’ll notice your self esteem bloom.

 

[BattleScars]

I was just starting to get really sick when I first started dating my wife but before her I met women who would give me the cold shoulder when I would tell them about my kidney problems. Obviously if you're not on dialysis you can pretty much hide the fact you are sick but now I have a catheter, how do I explain that the first time I'm getting intimate with someone? Sometimes I have self-esteem issues about it when I'm intimate with my own wife so dating would be tough. But I think back to a really pretty girl I met on a train years ago. She had diabetes and had an insulin pump in her stomach. She told me about it but I wasn't any less attracted to her. Once you fall for someone and you get those butterflies in your stomach I don't think anything will scare you away.

Like others have said it's a good test to know a woman's, (or man's) character. Life is full of ups and downs. You marry someone for sickness and health. Hopefully you can spend a little time with someone before you share your health challenges with them. If they run the other direction you've lost nothing. Yes, it's going to hurt, I'm not gonna lie, but just remember you're one step closer to finding your true soul mate. Never forget to live. Get out there and have a good time. Meet some new people. Don't let your dialysis interfere with your dreams. 

[geoffcamp]

I've opened this topic a few times over the years. See relationships and dialysis. Or search my posts.

But here is my quick summary and 2 cents.

It SUCKS!!!!  Normal dating and finding the " right" person is hard enough!  Put all the crap we have going on In our lives and it's practically impossible. I was engaged in a long term relationship when I was diagnosed. My ESRD was acute. I went from normal to days away from dying in less then six months. Well she wanted no part of what the doctors were saying about what my new life would be like. And I was earning good money enjoying my mid twenties, that was all about to end. She took off as fast as she could!!!  So that was the first punch in the stomach.

I was alway fit and active and enjoyed a very active lifestyle. Over the next few years my body really changed. At the time I was diagnosed I was working out 4x a week.  I was 6 foot 1 inch and around 200lbs fairly muscular.  Now surgeries for dialysis access and fatigue sat in. Over the next 3 or so years I lost ALL my. Muscle weight and tone. Weight plummeted to 165lbs. Skin became loose from dialysis and stretch marks from loss of tone and now just hanging skin!

I inform you of this because I think my self esteem went to complete crap when all this happened.

Well it's been 18 years now. Relationships and dating have been a nightmare. I was 26 when diagnosed I'm 44 now. I'm single I have a few women friends but no relationship prospects. I've given up. I have no idea where I would even meet anyone now. And I've been through it ALL!! Women who stole from me took advantage of me took medications from me practically anything bad you can think about. Now sexual performance is an issue too. Which I'm actually thankful for. I'm starting not to have the urges or needs I once had and I'm actually hoping that it just goes away all together!! 

Mine is (hopefully) not a typical story. There are a lot of amazing stories people have here and I wish you the best in having success.

Yes, my attitude is jaded. BIG TIME!!  My self esteem is in negative numbers. And I'm having trouble coping with just health issues. I'm angry with life and that's a gross understatement.

Please communicate with people here, they are an amazing group!!!  If anyone can help you find your way it's the people here.

I wish you success and I sincerely hope your path leads you to happiness and better health. I do think that if you can find a life partner your quality of life and your self esteem will benefit greatly. I feel I've missed out on soooooo much of that.

---Geoff

[BattleScars]

Hey Geoff. I'm sorry to hear you are going through that. Everyone's story is different but I wanted to let you know I can relate to a few things. I'm a few years younger than you but recently I've struggled with sexual problems. It sucks being married and just not being interested in sex at all. I love my wife and I think she's beautiful, I just don't have the energy or appetite for sex I once had. I feel bad because I think she thinks I just don't want her or I'm not attracted to her but that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I'm working with my doctor right now because one of the high blood pressure meds I'm taking is more than likely causing a lot of this. Problem is it help control my HBP really well. I tried a different medication and my BP shot up pretty significantly so I went back to the medicine that doesn't make me feel well for now. Not everything can be attributed to meds, I mean we are not young pups anymore. When I was in my 20's I was obsessed with sex. It's part of aging as well.

As far as dating, yes it's tough even when you are healthy. Whatever you do you have to have a good attitude about it. Try not to be bitter. There are good people out there. There are women with zero agenda that just want a man to love them. You're still a young guy. Don't give up. You never know who you might meet. You would be surprised. Most women don't want a rich man. They are attracted to wealth because they are attracted to men that are confident and resourceful. But most aren't gold diggers. There's some amazing single women out there. Just be careful of the kind of women you are attracting. That's my best advice.

I just feel bad for you. I feel your pain. I've felt the same way and sometimes still do. It's easy to be discouraged with life. It isn't fair that we have been given these challenges we didn't ask for. Just try to keep your chin up and don't let this get you down. There's some medical breakthroughs involving artificial kidneys that are very close that are happening right now. I know this because my wife works in a building that does medical research. It may take years to reach us or it may be right around the corner. Try to stay positive. There's always hope.

[BattleScars]

One last thing. Just look at the progress medicine has made in the last century. 50 or 60 years ago if you have kidney failure you were gonna die. We wouldn't be on a message board writing about it even if the internet existed back then. Even when dialysis was introduced it wasn't for everyone. They only had so many machines. You had to prove your worth in society to get it. Now we are all pretty much guaranteed this treatment. There are still many places in this world where dialysis isn't an option. Just try to be thankful for being alive. It beats the alternative.

[obsidianom]

Hey Geoff. I'm sorry to hear you are going through that. Everyone's story is different but I wanted to let you know I can relate to a few things. I'm a few years younger than you but recently I've struggled with sexual problems. It sucks being married and just not being interested in sex at all. I love my wife and I think she's beautiful, I just don't have the energy or appetite for sex I once had. I feel bad because I think she thinks I just don't want her or I'm not attracted to her but that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I'm working with my doctor right now because one of the high blood pressure meds I'm taking is more than likely causing a lot of this. Problem is it help control my HBP really well. I tried a different medication and my BP shot up pretty significantly so I went back to the medicine that doesn't make me feel well for now. Not everything can be attributed to meds, I mean we are not young pups anymore. When I was in my 20's I was obsessed with sex. It's part of aging as well.

As far as dating, yes it's tough even when you are healthy. Whatever you do you have to have a good attitude about it. Try not to be bitter. There are good people out there. There are women with zero agenda that just want a man to love them. You're still a young guy. Don't give up. You never know who you might meet. You would be surprised. Most women don't want a rich man. They are attracted to wealth because they are attracted to men that are confident and resourceful. But most aren't gold diggers. There's some amazing single women out there. Just be careful of the kind of women you are attracting. That's my best advice.

I just feel bad for you. I feel your pain. I've felt the same way and sometimes still do. It's easy to be discouraged with life. It isn't fair that we have been given these challenges we didn't ask for. Just try to keep your chin up and don't let this get you down. There's some medical breakthroughs involving artificial kidneys that are very close that are happening right now. I know this because my wife works in a building that does medical research. It may take years to reach us or it may be right around the corner. Try to stay positive. There's always hope.

Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? disease can effect the levels and low levels could cause some of your symptoms. Have your doctor check the blood levels . It is an easy fix if low.

[obsidianom]

Here is an article indicating issues with sex hormones with renal disease.


Adv Chronic Kidney Dis. 2013 May;20(3):240-5. doi: 10.1053/j.ackd.2013.01.003.

Changes in fertility and hormone replacement therapy in kidney disease.

Holley JL, Schmidt RJ.


Source

Department of Medicine, University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign and Carle Physician Group, Urbana, IL 61801, USA. jean.holley@carle.com


Abstract


Infertility is common among men and women with CKD and fertility is usually restored with successful kidney transplantation. There are many causes of infertility in those on dialysis, including sexual dysfunction and impaired spermatogenesis and ovulation resulting from an altered hormonal milieu. There is little information about infertility in CKD, but it is clear that ESRD results in low rates of pregnancy in women. Early reports of increased pregnancy rates in women on nocturnal hemodialysis suggest that this modality may improve the abnormal reproductive hormonal milieu of ESRD; small studies of men on dialysis also suggest this. Just as the specific causes of infertility in men and women with CKD/ESRD are unknown, we also lack information about the appropriateness of hormone replacement in these patients. This paper reviews these linked issues, pointing out the lack of data upon which to base clinical decision-making about these quality-of-life issues in our CKD/ESRD patients.

Copyright © 2013 National Kidney Foundation, Inc. Published by Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved

[NDXUFan]

My wife is on hemo dialysis and I wouldnt leave her or think less of her EVER. Life is full of complications and if a person cant accept  that she is not someone you want to invest time and effort into.
Look at it this way : if you meet a woman and are truthful and she will date you , yuo know right off she is special and someone of good character. Being truthful will weed out the jerks who wont be interested in you but arent worth your time either. Let this be a good test of a womans worth to you. See how they handle the truth. There are plenty of good , kind , caring women out there. GO FOR IT !!

ND:

As a former police officer, I could give a hoot in Hell what these women think.  With women, I have met some real losers.  However, I have met many good women on this earth, they know who they are.......  These loser women are not worth your time.  I have seen a lot of bad stuff in this life and life is filled with good things and filled with problems and issues.  Quite honestly, if they can not handle that, you need to lose them before they make your life miserable, not worth it. I know, I have lived it a few times.