Bob's Blog 5-4-13: Dialyzing...Not Socializing?

[BobN]

Bob Here

For the last several years, I've been trying to think of a way to blame being on dialysis for a certain condition that has actually affected me for a long time.  It has well pre-dated my starting treatments.

The condition can be described in highly technical and scientific terms, but for the sake of simplicity, I'll just refer to it by its street name.

It's called being...well...antisocial.

Now, understand, I'm not a recluse who sits locked in a closet with fingernails that are three feet long or anything.

But, more and more as I get older, I find myself avoiding certain types of social situations.

Like anything that involves interacting with other people in person.

This development has come along much to the consternation of my wife, who, I daresay is one of the most social people walking on God's green earth.

Put her in the middle of a bunch of strangers and within five minutes she'll know some deep personal facts about every one of them and have a slew of potential new BFF's.

When I'm put with a bunch of people I don't know, I'm checking for the nearest exit door.

My wife could tell you about many instances where we would arrive together at a social function, she would instantly engage with people she had never met before, she would turn around to find me and let me in on some interesting tidbit she had just learned about her new friend, just to find that I had discretely bailed and was nowhere to be found.

Of course, she'll tell you about it with grit teeth, but I promise you’ll get a full description, expletives and all.

Anyway, lately, I've found myself using the fact that I'm on dialysis as a crutch to avoid these opportunities to schmooze with others.

And, on top of that, it's become easier to gear up my excuses now that I'm doing home hemo five days a week.

How's that for looking on the bright side of things?

My top two favorite alibis whenever a potential group interaction arises are:

Well, I don't really feel up to it, or

Nah, think I'm going to set up early for our next treatment.

Recently, however, I got caught in the lie when I had begged off going to a party because I didn't feel good, then a couple of days later we were meeting with my nephrologist and I was effluent in my praise of how great I felt now that I was doing home hemo.

The inconsistency struck me too late, and when I glanced over at my wife, she looked like she was thinking about the most painful way she could put me to death.

I was thinking, oh am I going to pay for this later.

But it's interesting to see how she brings up the subject of getting out among others, when she knows it will meet with a lot of resistance.

Not too long ago, she strategically approached me after one of my favorite sports teams had won a game, knowing full well that this was when I would be most agreeable.

"Hi honey," she bounded up to me, all sunshine and light.  "I have to tell you something."

"Oh yeah?  What?"

"Well...I just want to warn you, it's probably something you're not going to like very much."

"Okay," I said agreeably, still basking in my team's win.  "Fire away."

"No, I mean, you're really not going to like this."

"Did you wreck the car?"

"Oh no.  Nothing like that."

"Well then, what is it?" I asked, my bright mood fading.

"Well...."

"What?  You put the cat in the washing machine?  You threw out my favorite underwear?  You secretly think you're Batman?  What??"

"We have a party we have to go to..."

I just sat there looking at her for a moment.

"When you say 'have to,' what exactly do you mean?"

"It means we have to go."

"What'll happen if we don't?" I asked, with emphasis on the 'we.'

"It's a very important party for a friend of mine and we have to go."

"Well, what day is it?"

"This Saturday."

"Oh, well, I was thinking of setting up early for Sunday's treatment..."

"No, no.  We have plenty of time on Sunday," she said.  "And don't give me any of your crap about not feeling good either.  We don't do treatments on Saturday."

"Well..."

"And, you just told the doctor how great you feel."

"Aw geez..."

"It'll be fun.  And we're leaving about six."

After that, the subject was pretty much closed.  But I had to admit to myself that I was pretty impressed with her strategy.  I mean she didn't even bring up the subject until the last minute, and she was prepared to counter all of my stock, dialysis-related excuses.

So, I spent the next day or so wracking my brain thinking of another way to get out of going.

But my attempts were pretty lame and were instantly shot down.

She was watching TV, when I walked into the room and said, "I think I should have my fistula checked."

She didn't even look up.  "You just had a fistulagram.  Everything is fine."

A little while later, I went back in.  "Have you noticed I've been cramping a lot lately?"

"Forget it."

So, I skulked out again.

The day of the event, I was acting like someone peed in my Cheerios the whole afternoon.

That evening, I was going through a litany of reasons for me getting out of going and they had a strong hint of desperation.

"What if our grandson gets sick and they need us?...My mother might call...Our son might get shipped out...There's a game I want to see...The cat might get a fur ball..."

Finally, she had had enough.  "Knock it off!  We're going!"

Then I was doing my best sulking act.  When it was time to go, she said, "Now we're going and we're going to have fun.  Stop acting like a big baby."

I said, "I'm not acting like a baby.  Now zip up my coat for me and let's go."

She got a little giggle out of that.

I should point out that I've always told her I have no problem with her attending these functions on her own.  But I think her level of insistence that I attend depends on how many of her friends have told her that their husbands are going.

I know some of the other guys don't want to attend either, so it seems like we all ought to have some form of collusion that might get us all out of being tortured.  Of course, we'd have to do it without the wives sensing a conspiracy, no easy task.

So, about the impact of dialysis on this trend of antisocial behavior.

I'd like to sit here and blame it all on the Big D.

The problem being, of course, that I was never much into socializing before I started treatments.

My idea of a big night out was calling out for pizza and catching a WWE special on pay-per-view.

But I do think I've gotten worse since starting dialysis.  I mean, there are truly times when you're just too tired or run down to put out the effort to be social.  And then, of course, there's the time that dialysis takes up, especially with the more frequent cadence of home hemo.

When I was still in-center, I was an antisocial fiend.

Aside from my regular neighbor, who came to be able to understand my single-syllable responses to most queries, I really didn't like talking during treatments.

Occasionally, I would get an attendant who seemed intent on striking up a conversation.

Usually it was someone new, or someone filling in.

In other words, someone who didn't really know any better.

"It's not that I'm not interested in what you're saying," I said once.  "I really am ignoring you."

Later, I recognized that that was a bit rude and apologized, saying that my treatment had me all out of sorts.

And just about any dialysis patient will tell you that there really are times when the idea of social interaction is about as appealing as having your gums scraped.

So, how'm I doing?  Am I doing a good job using a long-term illness to explain away a fundamental part of my personality?

Hmmm...might be something I can bring up at my next party!

Thanks for reading.  I hope all your social situations are good ones.

Take care.

[willowtreewren]

My mother was much like your wife, Bob! 

Unfortunately, I did not inherit her social acumen. Over the years I have learned how to "party" in a socially acceptable way, but I've never felt wholly comfortable.

You nailed this! Enjoyed it immensely.

Aleta

[cattlekid]

I agree with you and your wife, if that's possible. I am normally a very social person and hated giving up social situations because of dialysis. Either just because I had to prioritize time, or when I was in center it was because I was usually feeling like crap.

But in general, I do find myself being more and more antisocial. People in general annoy me. It's a weird dichotomy.

[justme15]

Bob, I really enjoyed reading this.  you are EXACTLY like my husband, though my hubby isn't on dialysis so he doesn't have a whole lot of excuses to use!  He says social situations are draining and he is not a fan of small talk.

[Riki]

I'm like that.  For the most part, I prefer to stay home.  I think it stems from being a socially awkward kid who was teased a lot, who grew into a socially awkward teen on dialysis and was also teased, who grew into a socially awkward adult who finds meeting new people distressing.  I'm a quiet person when I'm around people I don't know, but get me with my girls, and I'm as loud as they are.

btw, I turned down 3 parties today.  Two were children's birthday parties, and the third was a tupperware party.  Instead, I helped my mom sort through stuff at the old house.  Considering we haven't lived there in over a year, it kind of needs to be done.

[BobN]

Aleta, thanks.  My mother is just like the wife as well.  Two social butterflies.

Cattlekid, I know exactly what you mean.

justme, I think this tendency is pretty prevalent among men.

riki, organizing the house is much preferable to the parties.  I think you made the right choice.

[donnal]

Whg said you have to like going to parties?  Here is what you do.  Go and when you first enter the room raise your hand and mouth Hi to some far corner of the room and begin moving in that direction but detour to the exit door.  Everyone thinks your sooo friendly.  DonnaL

[boswife]

You are all so funny   I do love reading this stuff cause it's kinda up my allie   Im sort of a social phobe, but then again, ya put me in the middle of a dog show or something with a bunch of *strangers* and i can talk all kinds of talk and really enjoy myself.  Strangers, pure strangers, are easy for me but dont ask me to visit those same people again!!!  .. Now, ya wanna put me in a room with co workers, or anyone i havent seen for a while, family included,, and im in trouble!!  Even my super friends from child hood (all 2 of them that i actually see in person) have a heck of a time trying to visit.  I love them dearly, but just freeze up when they call or want to visit. I'll find every which way to get out of a 'get together'.  I LOVE these people, and like them too!!!  but ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh how i fret.   I know it's not quite what your saying, and,,,,,,,,, im not on dialysis so cant blame it on that, it's just that your speaking of something somewhat familiar to me 

[Deanne]

Bob is there a chance you have a twin sister you never knew about? You ask you parents, I'll ask mine. One of the reasons I moved across the country is so I don't have to endure huge family gatherings. Aunts, uncles cousins. I'm sure they're all very nice people, but is it really necessary to have hundreds of them gather at one once and force me to play nice with them even though I don't know their names,how they're related, or which bowl of potatoe salad is theirs? I'd say "introverts unite!" But none of us would want to show up to the party.

[Riki]

I'd say "introverts unite!" But none of us would want to show up to the party.

*LMAO*

We could just have an online chat.. or do what Raj on The Big Bang Theory did for his socially anxious girlfriend.  They had a texting date.  They were together, but they didn't talk, they texted.

[BobN]

Donna, I too have used that technique.  Very effective.

Boswife, sounds like we're definitely on the same page.

Deanne, hmmm.  I'll check the records.   

Riki, an online chat sounds good to me.

[cosmo]

i love this! this is me. DH says he's an introvert, but he pretends he's an extrovert. but i still have trouble just talking to him. weird.

i think people annoy me more than usual as i get older. that's probably par for the course. but see, i can talk just fine through the internet. 

[boswife]

oh no cosmo,,, that puppy face looks just like my "knotyet" girl  (thats my shih tzus name  

[cosmo]

boswife, that is Cosmo. he was my baby and we lost him last september (2012). i still miss him. he too was a shih tzu... 

[Riki]

i think people annoy me more than usual as i get older. that's probably par for the course. but see, i can talk just fine through the internet. 

I got like that after I quit working, and I worked in call centres for 10 years, so I was talking to strangers all the time.  Now, I won't even pick up the phone when it rings if I don't recognize the number.  I can't even make a phone call without psyching myself up first.  Talking to people on the phone is hard enough, face to face is almost impossible.

[cariad]

I can relate to this! I luuuuuved socializing up until I left San Francisco. I would usually be among the last to leave a party, and one of my favorite aspects of San Francisco was that I couldn't walk down the street without running into at least one person I knew.

Then I got married and was around people who were a bit too normal, I couldn't relax around them. Going from hanging out with struggling San Francisco artists to gainfully employed engineers just rattled me somehow. (Could I care any less about pricey cars? Doubt it.) I became fairly antisocial for almost a decade. Getting a transplant and moving back to a place where I can meet all manner of weird and wonderful people seems to have brought back the carefree chatterbox that I used to be.

Gwyn adores socializing. I think it was really hard on him, the years I spent in an antisocial shell. He comes off as quite shy, but give him a beer and put him in a room with people he feels comfortable with and you wouldn't recognise him.

So now we're both on pretty much the same page. Go on, invite us over. We're bound to accept! 

[Deanne]

Is being non-social a kidney thing in part then? I've never been social, but then I was diagnosed when I was 9 years old, too. Maybe kidney disease just accentuates the non-socialness that was already there for we introverts? I love that my coworkers are almost all in Arizona and I'm in Oregon. Most conversations take place over email or IM. I pretend I don't see IM messages a lot because they're intrusive. I don't have to leave my desk (or couch - I work from home half the time) for meetings. I still HATE meetings and don't pay attention through most of them, but at least I don't have to walk into a conference room and sit there bored with a room full of people.

[Riki]

I don't know if it's a kidney disease thing or not.  I blame mine on how I was treated by others as a child.  I was picked on because i was overweight, and because I was slower with most things.  We didn't know I had vision issues except for the fact that I needed glasses until I was 15 or 16, so I think the slowness was due to that.  I wasn't just picked on by kids either, I was picked on by teachers.  I can think of one in particular who gave me a hard time about everything I did.  She wanted to fail me because I was slower completing tasks than the other kids.  My mother argued with her over this, because I wasn't doing the task wrong, I just wasn't as fast.  I didn't know about all this.  Mom told me about it when I was older.  When I was a teenager, I was picked on by other kids, cuz I was on PD and I looked pregnant.  That made me not want to be around others my age, and I went through most of my high school years without friends.  I think that when you go so many years not being allowed to socialize with other people, you get to a point where you don't really want to socialize with other people.

The phone phobia, I think, comes from working in call centres.  I know there was a point when I was working that I feared the phone ringing, but had to answer it.  Now, I don't have to, so I don't.

[cariad]

Is being non-social a kidney thing in part then? I've never been social, but then I was diagnosed when I was 9 years old, too. Maybe kidney disease just accentuates the non-socialness that was already there for we introverts?

I think disease in general can bring out the introvert in anyone. I don't know if being just an extrovert or just an introvert is even a real thing, because for me, I have flipped between the two often in life. I was younger than you when I was diagnosed, and zipped through diagnosis, dialysis, and transplant, so it was never one of these 'some time in the distant future' issues for me. There were many times I was in pain from the meds - I can remember lying on the marble tile in front of the fireplace just because it was so cool and I found that soothing. I wasn't exactly jumping up to go play during those episodes.

Today I would say I am 75% extrovert. I still have my times where I don't want to deal with people, though. Especially with my accent, there are certain conversations you wind up having over and over and over and over and I cannot always be bothered to get into the fascinating story of my American origins. (I have a new Canadian friend here. I must remember to ask her how annoying it is to have everyone enquire what part of America she's from! ) That's more fatigue than not enjoying chattering on with people. I don't appreciate small talk much, but if I'm at a party with people who read books, follow politics, appreciate fine art, enjoy anthropology, know of some obscure local activity that they want to recommend, or are just genuinely curious about other individuals, I'll enjoy every moment.

[Bill Peckham]

I'm definitely more introverted. Does anyone else dread checking their email? At least with the phone I can see who is calling, opening up Yahoo mail I never know what is waiting for me.

[Riki]

email I can handle, because I don't have to actually talk to anyone.  I think voicemail and caller id were the best inventions ever

[cariad]

I'm definitely more introverted. Does anyone else dread checking their email? At least with the phone I can see who is calling, opening up Yahoo mail I never know what is waiting for me.

I'm surprised you dread email, because I would say it's an introvert's dream. If you don't want to reply, you can always pretend the internet ate it. Do you dread it more than walking into a room full of acquaintances?

Riki, I think that when you're "not allowed to socialize" as a kid (or as an adult), or you are picked on for your appearance like you were (so was I), you start to fear it, which teaches you not to like it. I know I dreaded the rejection that I assumed was inevitable. I also find that I detach very, very quickly to this day. If a friend starts giving me signals that they just aren't so invested in the relationship anymore, I will not put myself in a situation where I feel like I am begging them to continue interacting with me. I think I've lost friends over this, because I may not have always read the signals right. It's a shame, but such is my drive to shield myself from any social rejection. The friends that have stuck with me through my different social fluctuations are angels. Very persistent angels.

[Bill Peckham]

I'm surprised you dread email, because I would say it's an introvert's dream. If you don't want to reply, you can always pretend the internet ate it. Do you dread it more than walking into a room full of acquaintances?

In thinking why I dread opening my inbox, I think it is that I get a lot of emails from people who found my name on the internet and who are struggling with some aspect of their kidney disease, or who are at a center that is suboptimal or who can't get a preferred treatment or are being given a line of bs about why they aren't allowed to do something or are in general fighting with their center. And then there are the people who want me to do something like speak at a function or participate in a project or some advocacy, which I appreciate and there was a time when I did that sort of stuff  but right now not so much, but I try to respond since I know what it feels like to be trying to do something and not getting engagement. But it all takes time and energy.


It isn't that I dread going to things or am that uncomfortable at them - I was the murderer at a murder mystery dinner two weekends ago (I accidentally shot Peppe, I thought it was his twin brother, my boss, Rocco) and this morning I was at a fundraiser breakfast with about 800 of my closest friends. There is a limit to time and energy and between the dog, dialysis, work, I just don't have a lot to spare.

[Sugarlump]

I have always been a social butterfly, and fairly extrovert, loving parties. dressing up and entertaining but the longer i have been on dialysis, the less inclined I am to socialise.
Admittedly, I don't always feel that well. Can feel crap, and a bit overloaded with fluid prior to d and crap, dehydrated and tired post d. But I do use it as an excuse not to
bother going out. It bugs me (enormously) that I can't eat and drink like everyone else and a lot of socialising is based around food and drink!
I am more conscious of my body image, and my scars and rashes too...
Hell I can come up with a thousand reasons why though I usually do enjoy myself once I am there.
Just getting off the sofa at times is a struggle.

I wish I could convince my centre to let me home dialysize. we trained up to use the machine etc but the consultant blocked it because of me having a slightly dodgy femoral
line and wants a fistula but three attempts down the line and I haven't managed to grow one, so not holding out a lot of hope. I hate all the travel (live 16 miles away), waiting around
for machines to be ready, grumpy dialysis nurses making mistakes, being in a tiny room with 4 other patients and machines and a lot of clatter and clanging!!!!
God I sound anti-social now! I am with you Bill.
  

[Deanne]

My closest friend just got her PH.D and has a celebration party scheduled in June. I'm already trying to figure out how long I have to stay. Do I have to stay for an hour? More than an hour? I'm trying to plan my escape. I hate parties.