Relationships and ESRD (for patients only not caregivers)

[geoffcamp]

I created a poll because lately I have been reading a lot of topics on marriages and relationships.

[MooseMom]

What do you plan to do with the results?

[Sydnee]

You can count my vote twice if you like. I don't Ed will get on and vote for himself. I assume you would count us both. Since  he started dialysis last year and I will start this year. We have been married 19 years. 20 years in December. We went down to the transplant hospital together I got listed first ( younger, and kidneys failed because of PKD) but we got listed together. Now we will be doing PD together. It kind of sucks.

[boswife]

soooooooooooo, do you not want us 'caregivers' to answer for our 'non participating' on this board partners.  ?? 

[tiredandthirsty]

single wanting to mingle but don't have the courage right now to chase women.

[geoffcamp]

I have no formal intentions and I'm not intending on sharing results with anyone. I was just curious to see how ESRD affects romantic relationships or if even even does.  For myself it seems to have had a big impact on my life. I'll share results that are compiled on this thread so that people participating and other on this site can see results and come to your own conclusions. I hope that answers your question. 

Sure caregivers on the site who's significant others are not using this site are welcome to share their relationship status. 

Sorry bowswife I did not intend to exclude you, I was looking for mostly patients response. I did not think about those who like you who represent someone that may not participate on IHD. Sorry about that. I had no bad intentions, just was curious and probably did not think about my wording very well. I hope you understand.

Thx all. G.

[cdwbrooklyn]

I've been in and out of relationships. Some men accepted me on dialysis and some didn't. However, I can't really blame it on dialysis. I believe that being on dialysis took away a lot of my self-esteem, which cause me to doubt myself. Nonetheless I'm gaining my self-esteem back everyday.

[boswife]

oh Geof    i felt no bad intentions at all   I just was thinking that he IS a D/kidney patient so it may sort of add/or not to your thinking about what your thining about    

so for the record,  hes a married man, with many (44)  up and down years with the same partner prior to having kidney failure and other issues.  So, that said partner was already a stick to it kind and is doing her best to get him through yet another trial of life.

[tiredandthirsty]

I believe that being on dialysis took away a lot of my self-esteem, which cause me to doubt myself.

ditto...i am in the same boat with you cdwbrooklyn.  can you see me? i am waving to you (minus the welcome sign, i would not want to welcome anyone on this boat)

[geoffcamp]

Thx bowswife.

I started this because in my life with kidney disease since 1997 and being at my peak social time in my life at 27 years old I have pretty much withdrawn from "normal" society. I agree it's my self esteem issues because it could have been for many other reason then my exact medical circumstances. Over the last few years, mostly since I was laid off from my last job in 2009 I've become very much a hermit!  I realize the path I've been heading down is not good for me and have sought council. I've been trying to find a good therapist and had some bad experiences but I think I've finally found a good psychology professional, we have had 2 sessions so far. I've grown tired of the same old routine and lost my big picture hope. I've been having a lot of issues concentrating and major self esteem issues. I'm hoping to get myself out of this rut I've put myself in over the last couple of years. The reason I put this poll up is I was looking for kindered souls to talk to. Share our feelings on how to better view ourselves and develop heathy relationships. So basically I'm searching for people with similar issues to communicate with. Here on IHD seems to be a great forum to find people in my same situation and share feelings and issues to help find resolutions. It's been a really really tough year realizing how bad my quality of life has become. It's even more difficult to know that in the past I've always been able to pull up and find a way to cope. That coping mechanism has seemed to slip slowly away from me. I've had some amazing, wonderful and enlightening conversations with great people here and quite honestly recently made me realize that I have to make some serious changes in my life. I was right on the brink of giving up dialysis and "going naturally" but I've realized it's up to me to find those things in life that keep me trying and happy. Life does not just hand you solutions, I actually have to work for a better quality of life. There are so many wonderful experiences out there and my family (main support system) needs to be involved. I've become a master of not sharing with my support system my problems and issues. I've lost sight of just how lucky and blessed I am. All of us here face these issues as we fight for many years with the demons of life with an end stage disease. Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to find those tools to have hope and develop my best quality of life so that I keep my hopes high and do everything I can to enjoy life and be as healthy and active as possible. I'm also looking for people here to get advise and help with finances. I'm not doing well in that department either. I'm swimming in debt and need to figure out a plan to rectify this situation also. I'm up early this morning with all these thoughts running around in my head so I decided to get on here and share. I'm always inspired by how people here understand and how well most find solutions to these issues!  Well I've purged enough for now. I really appreciate the ability to just free flow my thoughts and the responses I get!  Thx to all of you and if your so inclined I could sure use some friends to throw out a rope to me and just talk to.
Regards, Geoff.

[Deanne]

It's an interesting poll. I'm curious about how many of the married/committed relationship people got into their relationship post-kidney disease.

[Riki]

I doubt that there are many that started once dialysis did.  I've only had 2 relationships in my life, and both of them ended more than 10 years ago.  I haven't felt attractive enough to even bother trying, especially when I was on PD and had a tube sticking out of me.  I know that when I was younger  (and healthy) I didn't think that I'd be 35 and living with my mom.  I thought I'd be married and have at least one child by now.  I know that at least one of those things is never going to happen.

I think that what keeps me going is knowing that I do have people who love me, and I do have one person that I tell everything to, although right now, she does have her own issues to deal with, so I don't want to burden her with mine

[tiredandthirsty]

I haven't felt attractive enough to even bother trying.

 I thought I'd be married and have at least one child by now.  I know that at least one of those things is never going to happen.

Riki, if you or anyone else ever find an answer to this conundrum.  Please do share.

 i work like a dog to keep myself occupied (ex: it is 9:20 PM and i am still working).  during down times, it wanders into these territories of "forever loneliness".  and i have been trying to find ways to distract my mind during non-working days/hours.  recently, i have started watching stock/option/bond trading seminars to improve my understanding in that arena. 

[jbeany]

I'm thinking you should have included a "Divorced after diagnosis" option!  But I checked single, so that will do.

[geoffcamp]

I'm thinking you should have included a "Divorced after diagnosis" option!  But I checked single, so that will do.

Yes, your right!  I'll see if I can add. Totally over looked. Opps

[papacat]

Working has kept me going by forcing me to interact with others. When I retire I know I will have to do something that will keep me active outside of the house. I have thought about working with a cat rescue group and/or volunteering at a steam railroad museum. I have found it very easy to be a hermit and stay home when I take time off from work. Something to think about. I do hope your situation improves.

I would hazard a guess that ESRD would make finding relationships harder and probably does cause an occasional divorce. It certainly has created some stress in our marriage at times!