End of the rope!

[geoffcamp]

With all the things going on in my life, the biggest having CKF and those dreaded dialysis days  I find my mind wondering and wishing for so may things I've missed out on and things I want but can not seem to have. Last few weeks I've been trying to work out some kind of work to help my dismal finances. I get overwhelmed and find myself dreaming of a secluded beach with great waves and the want /need to just go away. Put all the struggles and work behind me and just buy a ticket go away and enjoy my last few weeks in the sun. Since I was laid off from my last job in 2009 I just can't seem to want to get motivated. I am 99% sure I will never get a kidney transplant (antibodies) and I'm having a very hard time finding reasons to fight all of this. I'm single never had the blessing of a family or a true partner in life. My age is really starting to affect how I feel. I do exercise but even that is just a chore now. My parents have been great helping me out financially but I feel more like a burden than a son. I can't see why I should prolong what inevitably is going to happen. I want to go out on my terms and my way. I'm thinking of looking into alternative care to get me thru a couple of weeks of joy then letting all the worries and work just go away. I feel like I'm just doing what everyone else wants me to do and expects from me. My life has been at a standstill since I was laid off from work. I have no direction or anyone special to make life happy. The only reason I've fought for so long is my mother. She is the only person that would be truly hurt if I threw up my hands and said F all this I'm ready to pass on peacefully. Bbt she has my sister and her perfect grand children, something I can never give her. So I'm sure she would find a way to go on hopefully understanding it's ultimately my choice. In a million years I never ever thought I was a quitter or that things would turn out this way. This week I'm putting together my will and burial instructions along with a DNR. I think I'm ready. Because I've just lost my will and hope to go on this way any longer. My body has been going down hill pretty fast over the last 5 years. I never miss treatments but I find myself more and more not wanting to go. Feeling like a burden on my family and society is in my mind everyday. My hobbies and things I used to find fun doing have been non exsistant for awhile now. I feel like I've missed out on all the great things in life just to keep me alive. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I know there are so many of you that have had it worse than me and even children. But as a grown man alone I'm just not feeling like I'm fighting for any return to a semi normal life. So I'm putting together y pan and find someway to enjoy what's left of my life without dialysis. I guess I just want way too much out of life and that's just a dream. I really wish for my family it was as easy as just pulling the plug, that would be so much easier. I've been here before and had these thoughts but now after so many years I've become that ugly old man that finds joy in nothing. I don't want to be that person. I'm at the end of my rope and I'm ready to let go.


Edited: Moved to Dialysis: General Discussion - okarol/admin

[MaryD]

Geoff

This is ultimately your choice.  But you usually seem so full of help for others on this board.  Could you be feeling temporarily down (or depressed)?  It's such a big step to pull the plug and it would not only be your mother who would miss you.  I am not good with words but I send you a hug.       

[amanda100wilson]

I thought that you seemed more positive recently and were looking at ways of being able to get onto home hemo.  Remembef, the care partner thing us really only necessary for he purpose of training.  once tha is done, you could do it n your own.  maybe if you feel better and have more control of your life, Home hemo is not a panacea for sorting everything out.  however, if you feel better,  the way that you view and handle this may be different. Imthought that you had a job?

[WishIKnew]

Geoff.  I hear you.  I care.  I have to agree that a few weeks at a sunny beach sounds like paradise.  Have you talked with your mom?  Maybe start there.  She knows you and what you've been through better than anyone.  Maybe she can help you put it back together or make a plan.  I wish I had a magic wand, but I don't.  Sometimes it all feels unbearable.  Only you know what is best for you.

[willowtreewren]

Geoff, your post really moved me. I am suffering from a debilitating illness, but with hard work there is a cure at the end of mine. Even so, there are times that I look at the possible years of treatment ahead of me and the prospect just seems overwhelming. I say this, because I understand in some small measure your sense of resignation. I have to fight against hopelessness creeping in all the time. I'm very sorry that it has gotten hold of you and cast its insidious pall over your life.

 

I do agree with WIK, though. Talk with your mother. Since you said that she is the only one who would be hurt if you decided to just enjoy a few weeks of happiness before letting nature take its course, it seems that she may have some words of wisdom or comfort for you. Now, having said that, I know that my mother was a master of the guilt trip. You don't want that, especially since you feel that you are living to please others. On the other hand, by talking with your mother about how you feel, you may find an ally who can help you navigate the difficult waters ahead with whatever route you decide to take.

Aleta

[cariad]

Ah, Geoff, so sad to hear that you are struggling. I want to plead with you to hang on, but I know that you have to make the decision that is right for you.

Geoff, I have two kids. One has a charmed life - people adore him, he is good at everything he attempts, and to make matters worse, he is absolutely stunning. My other child is the troubled genius in my life, nothing ever seems to come easily to him. I couldn't stand to lose either one. It would kill me. Any mother worth the title would tell you the same - no child is replaceable, and their achievements or appearance or income has precious little to do with your feelings toward them. Talk to your mom. Your parents sound like they are very bad at handling negative emotion, so don't expect her to say the perfect thing.

More people will miss you and be touched by your decision than you can imagine. Please make sure you give yourself time to consider everything, I also hesitate to say it, but I doubt you'd be able to enjoy many of your last days as the effects of no dialysis would probably catch up with you pretty early on. I don't want to hear that you planned your dream departure and then the reality was agony and disappointment.

Please keep this discussion going so we can help in any way we can. I wish you peace and clarity whatever you decide.

[geoffcamp]

THX all. I will have to discuss with mother and father then my sister too. I just can't see any future and I'm not enjoying life. When that quality of life goes away and you can't see any future that's worth all this crap I (we) have to go through just to live I think it's pretty much over. I've been fighting hard since 2002 and quite frankly I'm just tired. I don't find any reasons to get up in the morning. And the feeling of needing government assistance and the finanical assistance from my family I feel like I'm just a burden on everyone in my life. All the dreams I had have been crushed by this disease and even though I do fairly well on dialysis (with a lot of work) I just don't see a future where my quality of life gets any better. So instead of bleeding my parents dry of their money and trying to keep track of all these bills I have medically and just everyday day life costs I think it's better just to cut it off now to make things easy on the people in my life. I have been in a crappy mood lately and am tired of the arguments because I'm just not in a mood to deal with people. After all this time I think it's time for me to go naturally and end all the madness and quit trying to find ways to make my quality of life better. It's not working. Maybe in this process and man there is so much to do to get ready to go peacefully and naturally I'll find some inspiration but right now I'm highly doubting it. And yes I'm a master of putting on a happy face and not letting people see how things in my life actually are. And I support and I'm so happy for those that find those things to live for. I'm not seeing any better days coming so I'm going to go through the process and see what I can learn. Looking into how it works and figuring out how this all works is worth looking into at this point.

[cariad]

That sounds like an excellent plan under the circumstances, Geoff. You will most likely need to tell your dialysis team and get a referral to a hospice program or other palliative care centre, just to discuss options until you know for sure.

I don't want to see you go, but I don't want this pain and hopelessness for you, either. I think you are very brave to face this situation head on and resolve to be honest with the people closest to you. I wish you only the best. 

[MooseMom]

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[jbeany]

     

I support any decision you make.  Knowing I could choose to stop was often the only real reason I kept going.  I knew I was choosing to carry on in spite of the misery that dialysis can be - and that several years worth of transplant complications were.  It did turn out better for me, but it was a long struggle.

Please, though, talk to your family and a counselor.  Make sure you are making this decision for rational reasons, and not solely based on depression.

 

[lmunchkin]

Geoff, my husband & I were just discussing your situation.  I wonder if this could be done, so hear me out!  Is there a way you could come to Tenn and stay with us, be trained at our clinic (NxStage).  I have a couple friends who do their husbands on NxStage but do not work.  They would go with you to train.  Then when you are trained and ready for home, they can come to our home where you could dialysis in my presences for however long it takes.  You will have your own equiptment and supplies.  We have plenty of room!

Then, if you feel comfortable and can do it on your own, you can go whereever you wish, with the confidence of being in control of your own health.  We will be there for you if anything should happen.  Kind of wing you, if you know what I mean. Promise not to throw you from the nest till we know you can fly!!!!

I just think and believe, that you will feel alot better and more in control. I really do believe that, Geoff.  Home therapy has done wonders for John.  If it wasn't for all the other health issues, he would be alot more active.  He still gets depressed, but not as bad as he use to.

If you want, I can check into this further.  Only if you are willing though.  I know it is no problem on this end. I just hate to see such a great guy who is so young just give up.  Its just not you!

Think about it, seriously!  You would be more than welcomed in our home!

God Bless,          
lmunchkin

[MooseMom]

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[willowtreewren]

lmunchkin, that was the sweetest and kindest post I think I've ever read on IHD.   

Oh, man! I so agree! lmunchkin, you are one special lady!

[cariad]

lmunchkin, that was the sweetest and kindest post I think I've ever read on IHD.   

Oh, man! I so agree! lmunchkin, you are one special lady!

Word.

Geoff, what an adventure this could be, something to shake you out of your rut, give you that change of scene, allow you an intellectual challenge as you learn this process and spend time with 2 new friends. Plus, this would surely be an IHD first that will be the talk of this place *forever*. You'll make history. If it can be done, please give it a go. You've nothing to lose and your life to regain. I'm emotionally invested now, I so want to see this happen.

[lmunchkin]

I never looked at it like that Cariad!  It would be a first!  Im pumped now and hope he accepts.  He will make History! But I totally respect His decision.  I was just extending some help to him not thinking about how this has never been attempted!

Come on Geoff, what you think!  It is worth the try.  If it doesnt work, well heck, at least you tried!  Please seriously consider this!

'HAPPY EASTER',
lmunchkin       

[MooseMom]

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[lmunchkin]

You are Awesome MM.  You might want to reconsider though, cause our home is a mess!!!!  If he accepts, I will not have you stay in a Motel, no way!  You will stay with us!  We can fit you in.  Iam so excited.  Would you be willing to go and train with him too?  That way he has a partner to train with and you will learn some things for yourself too, just in case!  This is a fantastic idea.  Thanks so much for your offer Moosemom, and I am honored by your graciousness.

This way, while Iam at work, you can take him to clinic and train, then home to watch me do John.  This can work, I know it can.  Problem is will Professionals be on board with it?


It's in his Court now.
lmunchkin

[MooseMom]

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[noahvale]

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[MooseMom]

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[MooseMom]

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[noahvale]

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[noahvale]

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[lmunchkin]

And for this reason, Iam truly sorry.  I did not mean to put Geoff in this situation, especially, without his knowing it first.  That was not my intention at all, I just simply want to help him, that is it!  But Noah, you are exactly right.  It is his decision. But I don't want him to move up here.  His home is in FLA with his family.  Im just merely offering him a chance to do home therapy and a training partner.  He would not have to pull up stakes at all, but just take a month or so vacation. 

It would be no different than finding a center to go to while on vacation.  I know that he has shown interest in home hemo, but a person to go with him to train has been the hold up.

But, Iam at fault for not bringing this to his attention first.  What I meant for good may end up not so good after all.  I really want to help, and that is my only motive.  I promise you, it is not about me, its about helping others out in any way I can.

I hope I have not aligenated Geoff from doing this before consulting him.  I don't think I could stand the fact, that he may be mad at this fact.

Im so sorry! I meant no harm. I will back off now. The offer still stands!

God Bless,
lmunchkin 

P.S Noah, reality just hit me that I may have lost his friendship & trust.  Why did I do this without consulting him first.....

[lmunchkin]

People what I have just demonstrated is what they call, "Putting the Cart before the Horse!"  Iam so sorry to bring you all into this.