feeling a little sorry for myself..

[tiredandthirsty]

even though i should be happy..

up until today, there were only two people in my "close family" who were still searching for "the one".  everyone else is married.  and now today, i am the last remaining one.  i know i should be happy for the one who got engaged today but to be honest, i feel a little sorry for myself.  i will never get to see this day.  how lousy life becomes without someone to share it with? i am going to go drink my sorrows away (in water). 

life sometimes kicks you right in the bloody nuts just to remind you how it is effin you over and over again.  sort of just to mock you.   

[Jonndad]

ditto to that my friend.  I am 57 and just about giving up hope of meeting anyone.  I am on the big D and two weeks ago had a heart attack.  Diabetes to boot.  Nobody's interested.  Can't blame them.

[boswife]

I feel alot of love and wish so much better for this time in your lives.  I got sooooooooooo much love (to give) that i wish i could put some in another few people so they would have enough to share with you .... That probably doesnt make sence at all to you, but to me, well, I just would wrap the world in my arms and rock it to compfy happyness if i could.   

ps.... i edited this (even though it still doesnt make sence) to better say 'i have so much love in my heart that i wish i could put it into others (ya know, single people) who dont have this 'sharing kind of love', so that they would be better able to share with you who are looken for it.......lol, im getting worse with words not better...I just wish that more people had the same love i have to enable them to share with someone who would appreciate it like you folks here... I would love and take care of everyone if i could,,,,,,,,but that wouldnt make hubby too happy im guessing  )

[geoffcamp]

It is difficult to see others around us living "normal" life's. I feel you. I'm 43 on dialysis around 12 years now and I agree not much hope of finding my special someone and I can't blame them either. I'm not great company most of the time and who in their right mind would want to subject themselves to all my issues long term!!??  Usually have a few dates a year and then they vanish as fast as they can. Truth be told I'm tiring of the entire situation. Days blend into years and the emotional, pshical and financial stress just does not seem to ever subside. If I could get a good life insurance policy and knew my mother would be ok I'd be done with it!  Dream of spending my last good days on some beautiful beach surfing and then just drop me off at hospice so they can dope me up to move on. Everyday I think about it. Tonight I opened mail and saw that dialysis was over $60,000 last month!!  Do the math with how long I've been doing it!!  At least I'm making my nephrologist and Fresenious happy!  Hope they all enjoy their life's. I know I'm not enjoying mine!  At what point do I realize that doing all I am doing and not enjoying much quality of life just does not make sense?  I'm thinking that I'm in the beginning stages of reality hitting me that I will never have the life I hoped for or anything remotely close. No job no relationship no health I'm pretty much a drain on society here in the states. And I still can't afford to live without assistance from family and government. Had I known what I know now back in 1996 when I found out I was in full renal failure (acute) my decisions would have been very differant. No way in hell I would do this. Sorry I hi-jacked your post!  But yep I know how you feel!  Wish I could put a smiley face on and blow sunshine up your a$$. But it pretty much bites!  I'm hopeful someone else here will share their great story of meeting mr mrs right and getting the love and support they wished for... Sorry I can't relay or relate to that kind of success but my experience surely has not been like that! 

[Angiepkd]

I found someone willing to put up with me and all my health issues, and you can too. Never, ever give up hope of finding someone to share your life with!  I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. Sorry to be "little miss sunshine", but get out there and keep trying. You never know when you might meet that special person meant for you.  Hope this helps!  I am also a firm believer in Zoloft lol!  I have a much better attitude thanks to my happy pills!

[tiredandthirsty]

hi geoffcamp,

i hear ya brother.  no need to blow sunshine up my a$$ :-).  actually, i have been reading the "dialysis and relationships" thread that you had resurrected.  that thread sort of reminded me how i am in a race where i have no chance of catching up to normal people, let alone win it.  and then this piece of news came about.  blargh...f life.

[tiredandthirsty]

hi angiepkd,

thanks for the motivational words.  but i have heard it so many times, they seem to have lost it's weight for me.  they are just words. 

i want to try.  but, i feel unattractive. i have two fkin hernias, one umbilical and one inguinal.  the umbilical hernia protrudes out so much it pushes the shirt out.  makes me so gd conscious about myself.  i wear super fluffy clothes to hide it.  stuff three times my size.  the fkin hernia looks like a tapir's snout.  i immediately think, the girl will probably be disgusted to see something like this.  i am not even going to describe the inguinal.  these things make me so self conscious.  and i am so angry that i have to endure this sh*t on top of all that i already have.  i mffin hate my life.  i just want to BREAK STUFF!!!!!

[Angiepkd]

I completely understand about feeling self conscious. I have polycystic kidney disease and look like I am 9 months pregnant. I wear big clothes to hide everything, too. So sorry you are dealing with all this alone. You have every right to feel sorry for yourself. I know they are just words, but please don't give up on life. So many good things can happen when you least expect it. Every day that I am alive and kicking is a good day compared to the alternative. I have things I still want to do and am hopeful that I will be able to do them one day. I bet more people care about you than you think! Hang in there, and hit something if you need to   

[jeannea]

It's ok to be angry about this disease. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. Just try to balance it a little with good things in your life. I get lonely too and wish I had someone. But I know it's not the only thing that makes me nuts when it comes to this mess we're all in. Just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't pass up things that make you happy.

[Riki]

I understand what you're saying.  In some ways, I like being single.  I have my kitty, and I have my friends, and that's really all I need.  But then, I go to a family get together, and I see younger cousins with their children, and my parents' siblings are grandparents, but mine are not, and probably never will be, at least, not by me.  It bothers my mom.  She'd never say it, but I can see it when she watches her younger sister with her grandson, and she knows that she'll never have that experience

[tiredandthirsty]

I completely understand about feeling self conscious. I have polycystic kidney disease and look like I am 9 months pregnant. I wear big clothes to hide everything, too. So sorry you are dealing with all this alone. You have every right to feel sorry for yourself. I know they are just words, but please don't give up on life. So many good things can happen when you least expect it. Every day that I am alive and kicking is a good day compared to the alternative. I have things I still want to do and am hopeful that I will be able to do them one day. I bet more people care about you than you think! Hang in there, and hit something if you need to 

Hi Angiepkd,

thank you for the kind words.  it's not like i feel  like this all the time.  it's just when something like this happens.  or when i try to make plans with friends to get out of the house (i literally stay indoors most of the time except when i go for treatments) and they can't because they are doing things with their wives or gfs.  that's when i feel life's kick to the groin.  haha. normally i am pretty perky.   

speaking of hitting something, i am thinking about picking up boxing again.  buy a heavy bag and a speed bag and voila. beat the living crap out of it every time i feel like this.  i will get the exercise and frustration will be removed.  :-)

[tiredandthirsty]

I understand what you're saying.  In some ways, I like being single.  I have my kitty, and I have my friends, and that's really all I need.  But then, I go to a family get together, and I see younger cousins with their children, and my parents' siblings are grandparents, but mine are not, and probably never will be, at least, not by me.  It bothers my mom.  She'd never say it, but I can see it when she watches her younger sister with her grandson, and she knows that she'll never have that experience

hey Riki,

so sorry.  didn't mean to "rub my depression" onto others.  i'd like to have a kid some day as well.  don't know how possible it is, probably not much.  i have a three year old nephew and i play with him as much as i can whenever i see him.  i may never get the chance to do it with my own kids. 

[Riki]

we all have our own issues to deal with.. I like the idea of taking up boxing.. I've started taking Aqua Zumba once a week, and play Just Dance on my Wii.. I always feel good after working up a good sweat. *G*  and, I'm thinking that if I can keep it up, then maybe I can reduce some of my inverted hourglass figure.. *G*

[Whamo]

Keep trying to find someone and you will.  Just don't be picky.  Every person you talk to is just the next one you have to pass by on the way to the good one.   Try listening to Jack Canfield's the Principles of Success.  He has a lot of good ideas towards approaching life.  When you find someone you can buy me a root beer.   

[tiredandthirsty]

we all have our own issues to deal with.. I like the idea of taking up boxing.. I've started taking Aqua Zumba once a week, and play Just Dance on my Wii.. I always feel good after working up a good sweat. *G*  and, I'm thinking that if I can keep it up, then maybe I can reduce some of my inverted hourglass figure.. *G*

boxing is so much fun.  i used to practice almost regularly before my health went down hill.  one of the best stress reliever i have encountered.  if you ever get a chance, take a few minutes and give it a shot.  but be careful, people say the bags don't hit back, they DO.  you will turn your wrist in a heartbeat if you try over do it :-)

[tiredandthirsty]

Keep trying to find someone and you will.  Just don't be picky.  Every person you talk to is just the next one you have to pass by on the way to the good one.   Try listening to Jack Canfield's the Principles of Success.  He has a lot of good ideas towards approaching life.  When you find someone you can buy me a root beer.   

Whamo,

i owe you a root beer whether i find someone or not :-).  let me know if you are ever in THE SOUTH!

[geoffcamp]

Where are you in the SOUTH?   I'm in Florida!!

[tiredandthirsty]

i am in good ole SC :-)

[Angiepkd]

Let me know how the boxing goes! I have many days when I would like to hit something, and that might be a great stress reliever. I am not in the south, but have spent a lot of time in the Charleston, SC area. Love, love it there. My husband does demolition work and took down the big bridge there a few years ago. He was also there for a project on the naval base that lasted a little over a year. We stayed in Mt. Pleasant. Haven't had any real seafood since my last visit! Would kill for a meal from Hyman's or The Wreck. Also wouldn't mind a night out at Red's Ice House! I have every intention of making it back there - dialysis equipment in tow if need be! Thanks for making me think of some great times -I needed that tonight!

[tiredandthirsty]

oh i love charleston.  it is awesome.  weather, food, night life you name it, it has everything.  and not to mention all the gorgeous ladies wandering around.  blimey, i am now reminiscing MY times in Charleston :-). 

[cdwbrooklyn]

Life is full of surprises you never know what’s in your cards.  I remember when I first was called for a transplant, I was so happy.  As I was walking down the street, I made all these plans as to what I’m going to do after I get my kidney.  That was one of the happy moments of my life.  My life is about to change and I am…. was the words I remember saying.  However, to my surprise, I did not get the kidney.  My dreams went down the hill.  I was confused and disappointed.  I was angry a very long time.  I told the staff in my center that I will leave out of the center in a body bag.   After several years, I was done.  I was ready to give up.  I was searching for something on the internet and came cross this website.  After reading a lot of posts and learning different forms of dialysis, I took an interest in NxStage.  It was one of the best choices I’ve made in years.  I was now looking at life from a different eye.  I no longer wanted to end my life.  I now had the freedom I wanted and did not have to deal with in-center and its foolishness. 

I tell this story because how we think is how we will live our live.   If you truly believe in your heart that you will find that special person, the university will bring you that person.  If you feel you will not meet that special person, he or she will always pass you by.  You can be talking to your special person everyday and not know it yet; but, if you are talking negative about yourself and your situation, you will scare that person away.  If you want to meet someone, try the internet dating sites.  I’ve meet quit a few guys on it.  I even had a few relationships.  One relationship I let the guy know what was up with me.  He understood and still was interested in me.  However, by my own insecurities, I’ve broke it off with him.  After, getting back in touch with him, he informed me that I really hurt him.  I was very surprised to hear him say that, and realized I made a mistake leaving him. That’s when I realized that I have to change my attitude about how I think about myself. 

Nonetheless, I strongly believe that there is someone for everyone.  It doesn’t matter what condition you in as long as you don’t have criminal intentions.  Geoff, TiredandThirsty, and Johndad please hang in there.  Change your attitude toward yourself and trust and believe you will meet that special one.

Just my two cents!! 

[boswife]

I really like your two cents CW     We all, health or no health need to remember that, so thanks... I needed those two cents my self )))   

[geoffcamp]

I agree attitude goes a long way. But we come here to vent our frustrations at the time we are having them. Myself, tired and thirsty and all the others I'm  sure have those good positive days!  But it is helpful to vent out our feelings and that's when we use this forum. Part of the reason I'm so happy we have this place. I thank all the wonderful people who do all the work to keep this site up and running. I personally was here almost at the very beginning!  (I really miss those people that have passed, Epoman was a great guy and an amazing friend even though I never personally met him. I took a few years off because of work and my time was very limited. I was so happy to find the site was still up and still the place for me to vent, learn and meet others going thru the same issue I am. So take a bow to every member and especially the folks that took over and kept it going!!  PS. please PM me to the people who are now running the site, I'm in the IT industry and if I can ever help in any way I will be happy to do so. Plus I'd like to get to know you guys and girls that work so hard so I can enjoy it here!!  I'm planning on a donation tomorrow and would like to ask a few questions about how to do it and if I can give more than the amount to become a preferred or what ever you call it member. I may also have some contacts that would be willing to donate to keep this site up and cover costs. I hope to hear from the current staff.

I'm SURE we (as in the people in this thread) all have great days. It's just nice to write out out frustrations in this forum. Speaking for me it really helps!  I can't share these thoughts with family or the few friends I have because there is no way they could understand. I'm not always down and negative but when I am I dump here!!
THX. G.

[KarenInWA]

Then there's me. I have always had bad luck with "men" and "dating'. So much so that whenever I talk about it in a typing kind of way, I *have* to put quotes around it because my life in that arena has been such a joke. I've known about my kidney disease since age 23, but didn't really start suffering from it until shortly before going on dialysis at age 37. However, it was always in the back of my mind, of course. I was always afraid to tell someone I was "dating" about my eventual reality. It didn't really matter, in the end. None of the "men" I've been foolish enough to waste my time on liked me enough to stay with me. They either dumped me for stupid reasons like "this feels too much like a relationship" (Please imagine this being said in a high-pitched whiney tone, because that is how I remember it being delivered) to doing things to piss me off so I would dump them. As I went on dialysis, I made the decision to not even bother anymore, because between doing D and working FT, I just didn't have the room or time for that kind of bullshit anymore.

Now I have been through a tx, and a biopsy-induced injury that has left my poor transplanted kidney with subpar function. My creatinine is ranging anywhere from 3.3 - 3.7, which means I'm barely hanging on the cliff of dialysis. Knowing this, I know I cannot afford to play those stupid games that "men" seem to think is okay to play with me.  And it never fails, they *always* play those games with me. I'm sorry, but right now, I do not want to go back on dialysis. I need a man who will respect the hell I've been through, and I know that for me, that man simply does not exist. At least, not in my area.

I absolutely refuse to do "online dating" as that has been nothing but a big, freakin' joke. All anyone wants to do on those sites is get laid. Sorry, I'm on immunosuppresants. I already have cancer in my family. I'm not going to put myself at risk of hpv - which can then lead to cervical cancer - for subpar sex w/a guy who is not going to stay for the long haul. Any man who might share that lovely with me had better be man enough to stick around should I need treatment for an eventual cervical cancer. That does not sound like fun, and I'm going to need him to hold my hand while I go through that. Yes, this is one of my bigger fears. Condoms can only protect me from so much, sadly. And sex with someone who is just going to dump me isn't that good, and causes me much more emotional pain and sadness than what little bit of pleasure I may have temporarily gained from it. That is one thing I've learned in my so-called "dating" life.

I did meet a man from another state over the phone at my work recently. We exchanged numbers and are friends on Facebook. He even wants to come out here to visit me! However, he just recently mentioned the girl he's dating. I dealt with the metaphorical bag of ice that was poured on me (he was flirty, etc) but I've lost the excitement I had over him. Sorry, I just don't do sloppy seconds. Ewww.

KarenInWA

[cdwbrooklyn]

Geoff, fair enough.  I can understand how you feel.  However, I will always try to help people see the positive side of things.  If I’m feeling blue and want to vent, I would wants to vent with people that will put me back on a positive note.  I have met some on this site.   Just want you to understand who I am.