Bob's Blog 2-2-13: Reality Can Bite Dialysis Patients

[BobN]

Bob Here

So, the other day, the wife and I were in this restaurant, right?

I was on my seventh or eighth drink, I don't remember which (chuckle chuckle).

We had just polished off our appetizer - tortilla chips with extra salt, smothered in keso cheese that had little tiny bacon bits spread throughout.

Of course, all that sodium made me even thirstier, so instead of a scotch on the rocks, I ordered up a couple of beers.  Figured I could get more fluid that way.  I know, I know, shouldn't have been mixing, but I was feeling a bit of phosphorous deficiency, so I wanted to load it on.

I was tempted to get another appetizer, maybe some potato skins.  Or, should I go with buffalo wings?  Used to love those before I started dialysis.

Nah, I didn't want to spoil my dinner.

Hah, did I just think that?  Must've lost it for a minute there.  "Waiter, bring both the skins AND the wings."

For my main course, I ordered spaghetti with extra tomato sauce.  With the sauce, of course, I told the waiter I wanted the saltiest, fattiest sausage they could find.  "Oh, and bring me a large bowl of parmesan cheese."

(I kind of wondered why a Mexican place would offer spaghetti, but heck, I was going with it.)

"Waiter.  Hey, why are you walking away?  Don't forget.  A couple more beers too, ha ha."

How could I still be hungry after that meal?

I don't know, but I managed.

And for dessert, I wanted the double fudge brownie, with real whipped cream.  "Make sure it's not that Cool Whip crap.  Oh, and two more beers."

After we were finished, we had a ton of energy, so we went for a jog.

Okay, now.  If you were at all doubtful that I was making all this stuff up, that last part should have really tipped you off.  The wife and I go jogging about as often as the sun sets in the east.

And, I haven't had a beer since the Eisenhower administration.

So, you might be wondering, what's with letting the imagination run a little wild here?  Well hey, in a day and age where Manti Te'o has an imaginary girlfriend, Lance Armstrong has seven imaginary Tour De France titles, and Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens have imaginary Hall of Fame careers, why should dialysis patients be left in the lurch?

Now granted, the fantasies of dialysis patients are likely to be a little different than those of the general population.

Fame? Wealth? Popularity? Your own island?  Nah, we just want to have a good pee now and again.  Is that asking so much?

But it occurs to me that these famous guys weren't just letting their imaginations loose, they were actually living in a fantasy world.  They worked hard at conjuring up these la-la land lives and not only believed in them themselves, but managed to drag others along with them.  Talk about talent.

But I'm here to tell you that dialysis patients are no slouches when it comes to cooking up alternative existences.  A couple of dialysis compadres who sat near me over the years have dreamed up some pretty wild scenarios.  Sometimes, we would sort of compete with each other to see who could come up with the best fantasy. 

It was our own little version of "Dialysis Patients Gone Wild."

One guy was my "neighbor" when I first started dialysis.  He was about my age, but was confined to a wheelchair.

I was still on the evening shift, and I would come in and say something like, "Aaah, tough night last night.  Stayed out all night dancing, stopped at an all-night diner, had some chili-cheese nachos with extra salsa, drowned it in Dos Equis, got maybe half-an-hour of shuteye, then went to work.  Couple of staff members called in, so had to do their jobs in addition to my own.  Went out and played a couple of matches of soccer at lunch, presented to the Board of Directors, saw a burning building on the way here, pulled a couple of people out, then put the fire out, stopped an armed robbery at the corner convenience store, and still got here on time."  Then I'd plop down in my chair saying, "Man, I'm bushed."

He'd just sit there nodding, completely straight-faced.  Then, he said, "So, what'd you do in your spare time?"  And we'd just laugh.

He did a pretty good job coming up with these whacko stories as well.

"So, how was your weekend?" I asked him on a Monday night.

He thought for a minute, then said, "Pretty lousy.  Didn't get anything done that I had planned.  Wanted to work around the house, but kept interrupting to do my decathlon training.  Y'know.  Ten events take up a lot of practice time.  Then Cindy called and wanted to come over."

"Cindy?"

"Yeah.  Crawford.  You know.  Nice kid, but a little needy.  Told her, not now, I was going to hop on down to Rio on impulse."

"Right," I said.  Then we'd sit there quietly for a minute.

"Of course," he'd suddenly continue, "If Cheryl Tiegs ever found out about me and Cindy, there'd be hell to pay."

Most of our stories played to the lifestyle gaps that are typical for a dialysis patient - lack of freedom, crazy diet restrictions, feeling lousy all the time.  They were surprisingly easy to cook up.

One time, we were laughing about one of our whacked-out stories and a young attendant came over and wanted to know what was so amusing.

"Well, you know that ad that says 'It's time to get serious about what happens in the bathroom'?" I said.

Her eyes opened wide.

"NEVER MIND!  I don't want to know any more," she said walking away shaking her head with a smile.  My neighbor and I looked at each other.

"I'm hurt that she didn't want to hear my story," I said, and we both laughed again.

More recently, I came in one Monday after accompanying my wife on a tennis weekend.  I had my Friday treatment at an out-of-town center.

"Hey, where you been?" he asked, with the same young attendant standing nearby.

"Well, you heard that the Mayan Apocalypse didn't happen, right?"  I said.  He nodded.  I then pointed to myself with my two thumbs.

He laughed, but the attendant walked away shaking her head again.

Another guy sat next to me for quite a while, but at first we hardly spoke beyond, "Hey.  How you doing?"

Then one evening I came in after he had already started his treatment.  Now you know that usually, a dialysis patient would rather be just about anywhere but on dialysis.

"How's it going?" I asked casually.

Without looking up from his book, he said, "It's a marvelous night for a moondance."

Maybe it was the deadpan delivery, and maybe you had to be there, but it struck me as hysterically funny.  After a while, we were both laughing, not something you see in a dialysis center very often.

After that, we would regularly exchange caustic life sayings.

We'd be sitting quietly for a while, then suddenly he would say, "You know, the problem with doing nothing is you never know when you're finished."  Then we would crack up.  Hey, maybe we patients are just easily amused.

During a particularly long treatment, he suddenly blurted out, "Dialysis sucks like Dracula."

Another time, a doctor was making his rounds.  Not our regular nephrologist, but some young guy covering for him.  Looked like he was just out of high school.  Neither of us really cared for him.  After he had finished with us, adding nothing of value, we just looked at each other and shook our heads.  After a while, I said, "Scars heal, glory fades, but stupid is forever."  Then we were howling again.

I think the staff was really wondering if we had just completely gone around the bend.

But they should have known, being on dialysis is fertile territory for dreaming up something better.  And you don't need an imaginary girlfriend or statistics falsified by PED's. 

Here are a couple of good ones.  How about a cure for kidney disease?  Or more readily available transplants for dialysis patients?

Now those are fantasies I can hang my hat on.

Thanks for reading.  I hope everybody's dreams are a little closer to reality.

Take care.

[billybags]

Love it!

[Rerun]

   Well hey, in a day and age where Manti Te'o has an imaginary girlfriend, Lance Armstrong has seven imaginary Tour De France titles, and Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens have imaginary Hall of Fame careers, why should dialysis patients be left in the lurch?

       I wish you sat by me!

[Riki]

always look forward to your posts, Bob...

There is a nurse in my centre who always wants to know what I did on my weekends.. when I tell her I did nothing, she tells me that I need to make something up.. the problem is, on the days that I have a good story to tell her, even if it's not true, she's never there!

This..

Fame? Wealth? Popularity? Your own island?  Nah, we just want to have a good pee now and again.  Is that asking so much?

cracked me up.  It's so darn true.

[Razman]

   Great story.   Don't  you wish it was true !

[BobN]

Razman, Riki, Rerun, billy,

Thanks, glad you liked it.  No matter what our circumstances, we can all keep on dreaming!

[Whamo]

Awww, that's nothing.  Last night I smashed my Baxter machine.   I threw the dialysis bags into the toilet.  Then I drowned some peyote buttons with a bottle of Jack Daniels, smoked enough marijuana smoke to hide a Lear Jet on a freeway, had sex five times with the wife, and threw everything up, so when I weighed myself, I was down 2 kilos.

[Mr Pink]

A good read as always, Bob. For me, reality bites by the fact that I can't work during the times I'm on dialysis. My manager knows about my health issues, but my co-workers do not. I've only been at my lastest job a few weeks, and maybe I'll tell one or two of them at some point, but for now, it's a private issue for me. Anyway, I was asked why I wasn't working on Friday afternoon by one of my co-workers. Not wanting to appear secretive, I told them that I moonlighted as a government assassin and that I had been ordered to carry out a couple of hits. Not buying that story, I said to them; okay, okay, I'll come clean. I'm a gay porn star and tonight is our awards night. I'm up for an award for a film I did a little while ago. They didn't buy that either. So I told them that I was a cyborg, half human, half machine, and that I required regular blood transfusions so that I looked more human than machine. They shook their head in disbelief, walking away realising that just maybe I didn't want to tell them. Too bad, really, because my next offering was to tell them that Danni Minogue and I were an item years ago before she became famous, and that even now when she was in town, we would catch up and let the good times roll! Ah yes, the fine art of telling porky pies. Of course for me reality bites at around 6pm every Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays when those two needles go in, with my arse strapped in for a five hour ride. Sigh.   

[MomoMcSleepy]

Great!  At first I was super alarmed, were you suicidal?  All that fluid...and spaghetti!  Ah!  All that salt, what?

The kind of daydreams I had before transplant.  Turns out, still have restrictions, but buddy, you remind me that I can't complain.  Moondance might be my favorite part!  That would have gotten me giggling, too.  God bless you, brother!
 
 
 

[geoffcamp]

Good stuff!!  It's nice to let the mind wander to ease the tension!!  I look back to the days of youth memories of surfing all day long and taking road trips to find new spots to surf. It seems like another world now. I was carefree and had the best group of friends at the time, I long to go back to those days and remind myself of the simple joy of the ocean and waves caught and waves missed too. Never worried about jelly fish sharks just wanted to be on a board in the water with my buddies catching some waves!  I have not surfed since probably around 1990 but I think about it ALL THE TIME!!  Just good fun. I'd so much like to grab a board find a nice spot in the line up and catch a few waves right now!  I think I'll make it my first goal if/when I get a transplant. And maybe I can pass along to my nephew. The joy of being one with the ocean and waves. He's too young now but maybe I'll be able to when he is at a good age and I hopefully will be able to physically stay in good enough shape to share with him the ocean. Hope a transplant comes soon!  I miss the water everyday. I hop in the pool from time to time even with a perm cath in for hemodialysis I just make sure to clean up very well as soon as I get out!  I'm lucky my parents have a nice big pool at their house and that's where I go to remember the good old days!! 

[BobN]

Whamo, Mr. Pink, great fantasies.

Momo, Geoff, thanks.  Hope we all get transplants soon.

[Leanne]

  Love it! Im not quite as creative as you.  Just give me a gallon of TruMoo and a straw....ahhhhhh




Edited: Fixed smiley error - okarol/admin

[Whamo]

Geoff,  I know exactly what you're feeling.  I surfed whenever I could for 35 years, between work and school and everything else, it gets harder and harder to get to the beach.  I surfed around San Clemente, T-Street, Riviera, State Park, San Onofre and Trestles.  I took trips to Baja and to Hawaii.  I can't remember old girlfriend's names, but I vividly remember my best waves, LOL.  My mother still lives at a house overlooking the ocean, and I turn green every time I visit her.   

[BobN]

Leanne, that sounds good to me too.  Except, skip the straw, I'll just chug!

[Whamo]

Is that chocolate milk?  I used to drink that EVERY DAY after school when I was a kid.  N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best.

[Joe]

Ahh yes, surfing Torrance, Redondo, Hermosa, Manhattan, Newport. Those were the days! I miss that a lot, don't get much surfing done in Colorado, but I can ski.

[geoffcamp]

Ahh yes, surfing Torrance, Redondo, Hermosa, Manhattan, Newport. Those were the days! I miss that a lot, don't get much surfing done in Colorado, but I can ski.

I love to ski too!  I'm east coast so we did a lot of traveling for waves and found quite a few off shore spots by boat when I lived in Charleston SC. I've surfed mostly from North Carolina all the way down Florida east coast and some west coast Florida too.

[okarol]

Great story Bob. Very funny!! You had me at moondance. 

Jenna's clinic had patients lined up and their machines placed in such a way that it was impossible to have a conversation. Not that she was willing, she'd usually put a pillow over her head and nap until it was over. But it would have been nice if she had some chance for interaction.

[Riki]

at my old unit, it was close quarters, so it wasn't uncommon for a conversation to include 2 or 3 patients, and maybe a nurse or two.. but the new unit has counters between the patients.. it's harder to have the same conversations that we did before.. we just yell back and forth at each other now... *L*

There's 2 guys who usually sit next to each other.. they're friends outside of dialysis too.. they'll be talking about something, and you know they're getting to the good parts when they stop talking and start texting.. *LOL*

[BobN]

Karol, Riki, I know what you mean.  There are times when your on treatment that you don't want to talk to anyone.

So, when you do converse, you might as well make it good!

Karol, hope Jenna's doing okay.

[kitkatz]

I have had a few holler sessions across the room where we are in the center now.

[BobN]

kit, love those holler sessions.  Everyone in the center gets to benefit whether they want to or not!