Bob's Blog 1-5-13: Dialysis Tends to Exorcize the Exercise

Bob Here

Some things in life are just not meant to co-exist.

A plaid jacket and striped dress shirt. (Okay, who's been peeking in my wardrobe??)

Twinkies and mustard.

Democrats and Republicans in Congress.

Exercise and dialysis.

On that last one, let's face it. Keeping up an exercise routine when you're on dialysis is not easy. Forgetting about the time constraints of a dialysis lifestyle, the treatments themselves don't exactly make us want to jump out of our chairs and assault the nearest elliptical machine.

On the one hand, I think all dialysis patients will acknowledge that it's important for us to stay physically active. The benefits are well documented, and are especially imperative for people who have to be stationary in a chair for long periods of time.

On the other hand, dialysis treatments have a tendency to sap much of our strength and make us feel rotten to the point of scotching the whole stupid idea of doing anything physical beyond nose-diving into the sofa in our TV room.

But, in the last couple of years, I've made the extra effort to up my physical activity through trips to the gym and getting out on the tennis court as much as possible. And with the onset of a New Year, what better time to re-dedicate ourselves to a more active lifestyle, right? Yep, this year, we're all going to energetically attack our exercise routines with renewed vigor. We'll show the world that being on dialysis does not preclude us from being just as vibrant as those fitness nuts we see out running in the streets even when it's cold and windy outside.

Yeah. We'll go with that.

Truth be told, most days when I do manage to get to the gym, I have to drag myself in, looking so bad that the girl at the front desk starts brushing up on her CPR procedures when she sees me head to the treadmill.

Aside from the dialysis-related limitations to a good workout, there's always the age factor to consider. I usually go to my gym in the morning. It's less crowded and I really hate waiting for equipment.

And, I don't mind telling you that nine days out of ten, I'm the oldest person working out in my gym. I'm talking by a factor of decades.

But, you can always tell when the New Year comes around. Even the number of people in my age group spikes as people guilt themselves into exercising through resolutions with a shelf life of maybe a couple of weeks.

So, my aerobic exercise consists mostly of working the treadmill. Being on dialysis means that I'm usually too tired and crampy to hit some of the more elaborate machines. As the New Year rolled in, I noticed many more people around my age in the gym, and most of the older guys were on the treadmill.

The other day, I had to laugh as a bunch of men about my age were trucking along on treadmills, all in the same general vicinity. It looked like a geriatric marathon.

Or maybe a jail break from an old folks home.

We probably subconsciously all wanted to hang together so we didn't look like pikers compared to some of the younger people in the crowd.

Later, the same general group of senior men was gathered in the weight area, trying to recapture our youth. With the workout population expanded by resolutioners, there was a shortage of some of the free weights, especially in the lightweight category.

Whenever one of the smaller dumbbells freed up, we all went for it like it was the last beer in the cooler.

And, the whole bunch of us exercised our abs by sucking in our guts every time a young female walked by.

Then a young (female) personal trainer came sauntering over, probably with dollar signs lighting up in her eyes with all these helpless looking male prospects.

"Need any help with anything?" she asked me, making me wonder if I was the most helpless looking of the group.

Of course, I had to raise the pitch in my voice to Minnie Mouse levels, and I responded, "Whatever gave you that idea?" She just laughed.

"Are you just working out for the New Year, or do you want a more consistent program?" she asked.

I said, "You left out the third alternative, which is 'Prepping for the Mr. America pageant this year'."

Sometimes I can just barely stand to be around myself, but she laughed again.

Then I said, "No, I work out pretty regularly, but I have to keep it pretty modest."

"You don't want to step it up a notch?"

Then I just blurted it out. "I can't. I'm on dialysis."

"What?"

"Dialysis. You know. For kidney failure."

The poor child had never heard of dialysis, so I gave her a five-minute primer. When I pointed to my fistula, which stands out pretty prominently on my arm, she gaped at and said, "Wow." Then I told her to feel the buzz and she jumped back and said, "Holy crap. What is that??"

I said, "I have a bionic babe detector in my arm that buzzes when it's activated."

Even she had to roll her eyes at that one.

Then I explained about the increased blood flow and all, which she found interesting, but in the end, I think she liked the babe detector story more.

I usually do some light lifting on machines to finish my workout. The intensity of the overall process depends on my energy level, which can range from bouncing off the walls to barely coherent.

I've also made progress on the tennis court.

My game has progressed from really awful to just plain bad.

I've found out the hard way that tennis is a game you have to play a lot to really get better. And dialysis patients can't really play a lot because of the treatment times and the aforementioned sporadic energy levels.

I've also "progressed" to playing in a senior men's league, where you have to be over 50 to participate.

My incentive for joining the seniors was playing in an "open" league the season before. The open group is available to all ages. And, although I held my own results-wise, I found that playing against somebody 20+ years your junior can take a toll on you physically and mentally.

Usually when I was matched against a much younger guy, some of them would sort of snicker when we met before the match, thinking they probably wouldn't have prepared as hard if they knew they were playing against someone's grandfather.

At the end of matches, win or lose, my younger opponents would bound to the net energetically to shake hands. A couple of them even jumped over it. I was usually so spent that it was an effort for me to collect my things and get back to my car. The looks they used to give me was a combination of admiration and pity.

One kid saw me practically crawling to the net and asked if I was alright.

I said, "Oh yeah, I'm just still getting over this injury I got during the Korean War."

He just looked at me, not quite sure if I was serious, then let it drop. Probably just thought I had completely gone around the bend.

There was an interesting contrast in conversation during changeovers between the young guys and the old men. The younger men were focused on their careers, still budding families, and modern arts and culture, the subject of which frequently left me in the dust.

One guy was going on about the music of one Tommy Rocker. I just nodded as if to say, yeah, I'm in on that too. Truth be told I had never heard of Tommy Rocker.

Later, I thought about this while playing with the old men. I thought, Tommy Rocker's not likely to come to play in any of these conversations.

Tommy James and the Shondells, maybe, but Tommy Rocker? Not a prayer.

The conversations with my old men compadres tended towards the latest rage in illnesses and injuries. Might sound pretty morose, but when I heard what some of these guys were going through, I didn't even bring up dialysis. Seems like everyone knew of someone on their deathbed, or was on their deathbed themself.

Oh, and dirty jokes. These old guys have the market cornered. Now, I know where "dirty old man" comes from. And if the joke isn't obscene, don't even bother.

One time, I tried to break the pattern of lewdness.

I said, "Hey did you here about the garden hose that goes into a bar? The bartender says, 'Hey, why the long face?' Ha ha ha ha..."

I looked up and the other guys were just staring at me, probably waiting for the part that referenced anatomy or reproductive technique.

"Ahem," I said.

Finally, one of them said, "Okay , whose serve?"

The matches themselves have been quite competitive despite the fact that none of us is as athletic as we used to be, oh say five, ten...twenty years ago.

One of the guys' favorite shots is to lob up over the head of someone at the net. It's not unusual for the player to look up in dismay, start running backwards, saying "I got it!!" The stopping a couple of steps later, saying "Okay, maybe not." And helplessly watching the ball bound away. Almost never fails.

So, the combination of aging and being on dialysis makes getting some exercise an interesting, and often entertaining endeavor.

Thanks for reading. Hope everyone has a healthy and prosperous New Year.

Take care.