How do you deal with the depression that dialysis brings?

[jessicalynn42]

How do you deal with the depression that dialysis brings? I live alone and deal with this alone. Just sometimes i just dont care anymore and want just to stay home and let nature takes it course but i just keep getting up and going back to the machine. The needles i have learned to block out but watching my friends die is the hardest. i held my friends hand in hospice for 3 days while her body gave up. It was the hardest thing i have ever done. I dont want to put anyone through that. I know i will die alone. Sometimes i just pray that i never wake up. But i always do. I sometimes see her when i sleep I just dont know how to fight anymore. My center tries to help therpist tries but know one can show me how to fight again. they got me on antidepressents but all they do is mask the pain. My body hurts most the time. Pain pills no longer work. Thanks for letting me rant its all i can do for now.

[amanda100wilson]

if antidepressants mask the pain, what is the problem with that?  pain medication masks pain ,it doesn't cure the underlying problem.  in fact a lot of medications work that way.  I cannot understand why people have a different attitude towards anti- depressants.  what they do do is allow you to view things in a more positive way. your depression is perfectly understandable;  you are on dialysis, are on your own with no-one to share this with, and you are grieving for a lost friend.  do you think counseling would help?  that doesn't change anything either and my thought is hat thecounsellors cannot relate to what having kidney failure means, but I do find it helpful to unload.  is there a kidney support group in your area?  joining one can help too. 

[Whamo]

I don't get depressed on hemo.  I hate it, sure, but I don't get depressed.  I take lots of CQ, eat lots of protein, exercise, and take my binders (TUMS).  I'm really looking forward to PD because I won't feel washed out half of the time like I do on hemo.  I'm finally getting off the roller coaster. 

[boswife]

Bless your heart Jessica.  And i mean that with ALL my heart..  It's so hard to deal with this stuff wheather your the one on it or the one carring 'for'.  I know that theres a chemical thing with D people so i wish for you to not take the feelings as something you are just reacting to because of all you have to deal with.  it's partly what your body chemical situation is doing to you.  Part IS what your going through, and thats enough to put anyone into depression, but part of it can be helped with meds.  Im a med phobic  , so im not a great one to talk about meds, but i have watched with my own eyes how they have helped people get over at least that part of this difficult situation...  Ya know, everyone sais that 'attitude' is everything.  Well, if one can get help dumping the depression, it helps alot towards gaining some strength to go on with a 'lighter' outlook.  I think when i watch my hubby when hes burdend with that very thing, that its harder than the 'fact' that hes on dialysis.. Or anything else we have to deal with.  Depression makes it all NOT worth it, so i hope that if you are comfortable to induldge in some help in that direction, the rest may have a different light.. I  Wish you some peace of heart, and know that you have friends here who truly understand what ever it is you need to talk about.  One of us has probably been there, in heart, or body.  with  and  , the wife of a D man. 

[amanda100wilson]

Whammo's, you are lucky as  depression is very common in kidney failure and some people are genetically PRE-disposed to it anyway.  having a close friend drying of kidney failure must be another helping of 'bad'.

[cdwbrooklyn]

Hi Jessica, depression is a very common thing; however, I believe that everybody needs somebody.  Living alone can make you feel lonely sometimes.  Are you dating? If not, try dating someone. If you not afraid of online dating, try it.  Sometimes having someone to share your thoughts and self with can help your loneless which can also cause depression.   I don't want to lead you taught meds until you try all corners.

Hope this will help some.

[kitkatz]

almost 14 years on hemo, depression comes and goes.  It takes one step at a time some days.  Find something that makes you laugh.

[bleija]

my thought get a dog. when i was living alone and forst found out about all of this. i would sit with my dog and talk to him about all my fears and the what ifs. a dog will never reject you. mine was with me throughout my whole ordeal. pets can give u companionship and purpose.
i know it sounds silly and im not promising it would solve all your problems, but im sure others can agree our pets comfort us when we are down.

[jessicalynn42]

Thank you for your words of kindness. Got a cute little cat last week it kinda helps. Dating well that is happening i have to want to be pretty and right now all i want is to sleep and never wake up. Si o it kinda hard to be pleasent and kind to someone else when you cant do the same for yourself. and right now i would not want anyone to go threw what i did when my friend died. I cant ask anyone to do that. It was the hardest and most painfull thing i have ever done and i dont want to be the cause of that to anyone. My therpist that i have been seeing now for almost a year. I dont think she understands that the only reason i live is i dont have the guts to die. anyway thanks for letting me vent. We will see where life takes me next.

[Cynna66]

I try to ALWAYS think of silly things. Keep a song in my heart, so to speak. Some days can be very challenging. Some weeks feel like nothing but feeling tired and sick and that there is nothing but bad news. But with all the bad that can happen in our lives as dialysis patients, there is always the potential for so much good. There is love! There is life! So many experiences yet to be had, even if we have to fight for it. Sometimes fighting hard for something makes it that much sweeter. You can take this time and do your best.... try to eat the right foods, get enough exercise (and sunshine!!), and get as much dialysis as you can. If there isn't a reason to smile, make one! Or surround yourself with people who are full of sunshine and are willing to warm you up with it. You keep going to dialysis, even though right now you're sad, because you inherently know life is worth living. I've been doing this for 12 years and I am ridiculously optimistic. We can't be happy ALL the time, but we can do our best to try. You just have to find it again is all. I don't really know how to tell you to find it, but I have faith that you will. It can get better. You just have to work it! 

[Riki]

I'm with KitKatz... gotta do things one day at a time.. and it's totally not easy.. your kitty will help, for sure.. mine was always there when i needed him.  I try to find stuff to look forward to.. a tv show, an event.. sometimes it's just a favorite meal.. I have good friends who try to get me out of the house at least once a week, and that helps too

[Whamo]

I don't blame people for being depressed on hemo. But I was sicker, for years, before hemo, and I actually felt better after I started dialysis, so maybe that helps.

[Grumpy-1]

I agree with all said, Depression is part of D - both in the physical changes your body is going through as well as the mental part.  Being alone doesn't help - as you know it contributes to.  I think all of us have gone through some stages of depression and come through it. I know I still swing up and down - and the wife still hasn't figured out why "I don't care about a lot now".   I chalk it up to being mildly depressed most the time.  It doesn't stop me from living, but it does affect my interactions with my family and friends. D makes me tired a lot too, so that doesn't help depression at all either.  The best way to fight depression is to HELP someone else.  Example: here at the web site, share your "ups" with someone that is "down".  Try calling an old friend that just might cheer up at hearing your voice.  Do what ever you can to make someone else a little bit happier.  Grumpy  (ya I know - be happy advice from a guy named Grumpy  )

[jessicalynn42]

Well just a update doctor Upped  my antidepressent and it seems to help. He is requring me to do comunity servise. Not so happy about that but i understand why. Have therpy every 2 weeks up from 1 time a month. and changed my diet<again>. It seems to help not as depressed and alittle happier. Dialysis still sucks but at least now when i have a bad treatment and they cause me pain i have a option for pain relief  Tramadol. It will make the bad days easier. and yes exaber my cat helps alot i have a reason to get out and he is my little savior. thanks for all the great advice and haveing a place to vent.     

[boswife]

   good to hear..  makes my heart a little lighter when i know someone elses is   all the best to ya 

[Grumpy-1]

Damn - a Doctor that thinks - what a novel idea.  "He is requring me to do comunity servise. "   Jessica take their advice and get out and help someone else.  It will do you GOOD !!!!   Grumpy

[HSM]

Hey, with myself I deal with it by getting on with life. I felt I was at my most lowest when I felt I had nothing happening for me. I couldn't keep a full time job, I had to give up my place as I couldn't work and generally felt like my life wasn't mine. What I've done since is rebuild. I find volunteering and doing charity work helps. It may seemed cliched to say it, but it does. I make a difference in people's lives and that would help anyone's state of mind knowing that they are important to others. When I felt useless, I thought that my life would be that way forever, but I was wrong. If you could get into something, personally I think that could make a difference. It doesn't matter whether it is big or small, you'll be doing something and that will give you something to look forward to. In my experience, it will give you hope.

I was 22 when I was diagnosed with kidney failure and I've been on dialysis for 5 years so feel free to personal message me if you have any questions. I'd love to help in anyway I can. I'd love to help anyone get from where I've been, to where I am.