Frustrated-- with people and kids.

[Rain]

I am trying to stick to a schedule, cause if I have time to think I wll be come very emotional.   ON my birthday this past friday i was so emotional.  I blame a bad dialysis run and being over tired. I went to dialysis in the morning was feeling fine until 10 mins after I left my blood pressure dropped.  I made it home and didn't do much, I couldn't stand up very long,  I tried eating something salty to bring up the pressure and had a glass a water, nothing worked.  6:30 at night my boyfriend comes home with roses (very sweet) and asked if I was ready to go out to eat.  Because of the low blood pressures I wasn't feeling well.  We stayed in whle he cooked me some food, I picked at it cause I didn't have much of an appetite and went to bed early.  The whole time iwas angry that i was sick.  I hate being sick.  I had taken the day off to celebrate my birthday and had dialysis early for nothing.  Arg...

I always wonder if my life will get better.  I think because this is the last year of my 20's an I spent most of my 20's on dialysis I just feel like I haven't accomplished anything.

[MaryJoe]

Rain - I'm sorry you had such a disappointing day on your birthday. (I hope you are feeling better now.)  Although your bf sounds like an absolute jewel!  I'm glad you had someone to take care of you while you were sick.  I think your feelings of not accomplishing anything are due to your depressing day - bad time at D, your BP dropoping, feeling unwell,and not being able to celebrate as you had planned - I'd be more surprised if you were weren't feeling down.   I hope you get the chance to celebrate the way you had planned, even belatedly!

[MooseMom]

Rain - I'm sorry you had such a disappointing day on your birthday. (I hope you are feeling better now.)  Although your bf sounds like an absolute jewel!  I'm glad you had someone to take care of you while you were sick.  I think your feelings of not accomplishing anything are due to your depressing day - bad time at D, your BP dropoping, feeling unwell,and not being able to celebrate as you had planned - I'd be more surprised if you were weren't feeling down.   I hope you get the chance to celebrate the way you had planned, even belatedly!

I absolutely agree with you, MaryJoe.

Rain,    I was just rereading your posts on the "Anyone want to join me in exercise" thread, and I once again saw the photo of you with your bike.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in your 20s and on dialysis for most of that decade, but anyone who has coped with such a thing AND can still manage to do the things you do has accomplished a lot.  Plus, there is your kidney kitchen blog!  Anyone who takes the time and effort to help out fellow kidney patients, whether it is in advocacy or in giving recipe tips, has gold in their heart, so you have a lot to be proud of. 

I hope you are feeling better and are already working on belated birthday plans!

[Rain]

MaryJoe and MooseMom you both know exactly what to say to cheer me up

[LabRat]

This is another party I'm late too, but thought I would add my  from the male side. It's not just females who have some sort of clock ticking.. it's true us males can have kids until the day we croak provided we are lucky enough to find someone who is willing to do the deed together.

I'll be 45 this Sept, I haven't been lucky enough to find someone willing to have kids with me and trust me it's not for a lack of trying either! Even if I didn't have all my illlnesses to contend with, it would still be late in the game for me to have kids. I'd be pushing 70 before they'd be out of the house.

Prior to kidney disease and everything else that has gone wrong with me, becoming a father was my most important goal in life.. it too drove me absolutely batty witnessing friends etc having kids. It still drives me nuts to some degree.

As time marched on and my stamina was lowered a bit, the idea of having a wee one just flew right out the window. The thing is everyone has their reasons/opinions on having or not having children when faced with daunting illnesses.

Me personally, I have enough wrong with me that I wouldn't want to inflict any kid of mine with the crap I have to deal with, maybe nothing would happen I don't know.

Having said that, it doesn't mean I don't get upset etc having to hear about so and so having a kid. I'm just glad I have a drumset that I can bash when it gets to me that bad.

[Riki]

I am trying to stick to a schedule, cause if I have time to think I wll be come very emotional.   ON my birthday this past friday i was so emotional.  I blame a bad dialysis run and being over tired. I went to dialysis in the morning was feeling fine until 10 mins after I left my blood pressure dropped.  I made it home and didn't do much, I couldn't stand up very long,  I tried eating something salty to bring up the pressure and had a glass a water, nothing worked.  6:30 at night my boyfriend comes home with roses (very sweet) and asked if I was ready to go out to eat.  Because of the low blood pressures I wasn't feeling well.  We stayed in whle he cooked me some food, I picked at it cause I didn't have much of an appetite and went to bed early.  The whole time iwas angry that i was sick.  I hate being sick.  I had taken the day off to celebrate my birthday and had dialysis early for nothing.  Arg...

I always wonder if my life will get better.  I think because this is the last year of my 20's an I spent most of my 20's on dialysis I just feel like I haven't accomplished anything.

I spent my 30th birthday in NYC with my best friend, and yes, I was on dialysis at the time.  She is 20 years older than me, single, and unable to conceive.  I don't know why, she never told me and I never asked.  Anyway, I told her that I was afraid to turn 30 because I was always told that when your 20s were over, you were supposed to grow up, settle down, and start acting sensible.  She looked at me, smiled, and said, "why?  I never did."  To this day, I don't know if that was encouragement, or a warning. *L*  I took it as encouragement.  I came to terms with having children a long time ago.  As I get older (I turned 35 in May) I realize that not having kids was the right decision for me.  I'll be on dialysis indefinitely, and my eyesight appears to be fading fast.  After my last transplant, I asked the boyfriend I had at the time for kids.  He said no.  He didn't want to take the chance of something happening to me.  I was angry with him at the time, but now, 12 years later, I know that he was right, and I'm glad he said no.

[Sugarlump]

I am trying to stick to a schedule, cause if I have time to think I wll be come very emotional.   ON my birthday this past friday i was so emotional.  I blame a bad dialysis run and being over tired. I went to dialysis in the morning was feeling fine until 10 mins after I left my blood pressure dropped.  I made it home and didn't do much, I couldn't stand up very long,  I tried eating something salty to bring up the pressure and had a glass a water, nothing worked.  6:30 at night my boyfriend comes home with roses (very sweet) and asked if I was ready to go out to eat.  Because of the low blood pressures I wasn't feeling well.  We stayed in whle he cooked me some food, I picked at it cause I didn't have much of an appetite and went to bed early.  The whole time iwas angry that i was sick.  I hate being sick.  I had taken the day off to celebrate my birthday and had dialysis early for nothing.  Arg...

I always wonder if my life will get better.  I think because this is the last year of my 20's an I spent most of my 20's on dialysis I just feel like I haven't accomplished anything.

Rain I feel for you and know exactly what it's like. You feel okay, you plan things and then you don't feel up to it/don't enjoy it.
And it's hard for non dialysis people to understand.

Treat yourself to a non-birthday in a week or so's time to make up for it... when you feel more like celebrating.
That is the only way I can deal with it ... go with the flow and remember it's another day tomorrow.