always angry?

[gkcoley]

I have been on dialysis abotu 17 years and the past year or so i feel like i am angry all the time like i just cant seem to be happy and even things i used to love jsut annoy me and make me mad.  Sometimes im even mad to the point of tears, and its cause my all array of things, there is no common thread cept me.  Any ideas what might be causing it? how to deal?

[smcd23]

Chemical imbalance is common in D patients, causing depression. And just the situation you're in with D can grate on your nerves. Have you considered talking to someone about it? Maybe getting evaluated for depression? My husband had similar feelings (after only a year on D, so congrats making it so long without feeling like this) and he's on an antidepressant and testosterone and feels like a new person.

[jbeany]

I'd start with the chemical imbalance issues, like smcd suggested.  Tell your doc what is going on, and ask for everything to be checked, not just the normal kidney tests.  Testosterone, thyroid, vitamin....all these things can make a difference in your cognitive function.  If all of that checks out, then you can move on to counseling and/or anxiety and depression meds.  I know some people are reluctant to take them, but there's no reason to suffer in silence when there are some basic meds to get you back on track. 

The way I see it - plenty of people with no health problems at all need some help to keep them level.  We're on freaking life support - we're allowed to need some help with the bad times!

[Rerun]

17 years.... you have a right to be pissed off.  Its like you can't live and you can't die.  Sometimes just coming to IHD and venting helps me out.  It is okay to say you hate it here.  Most places would have you in counseling for saying that.

Then, counseling isn't a bad idea but they would not understand.  They need counselors who are on dialysis that we can go to.  Oh, that would be IHD.....   

[SugarBear]

When I was diagnose with ESRD, one of the first things I did was seek out mental therapy.  I was lucky as I found a therapist who did group therapy for people with illnesses, I have been with the group for six years now.  Even though I am the only one with CKD in a group of eight, it is surprising how many symptoms we share.  Sharing the struggles, demands, and the successes of our illnesses is very helpful and a relief. 

You are not alone is a powerful message that brings hope to people so I encourage you to look for help that works for you.

[jeannea]

Lots of us take antidepressant meds. I'd be worse than a little angry if I was on dialysis 17 years. Get evaluated. Then if you want therapy (which I love) remember you are also interviewing the therapist for a good fit. If you don't like one, try another. I have a great therapist. She has never been on dialysis, but her father was. But even before that she was a good therapist. Good therapists don't need to have your experiences to help you cope with anger and depression. They will listen to you and help you with what you need.

Good luck!

[cassandra]

I agree with all of the above. I'm doing this    for too long now too, and take Diazepam since year 3. Yeah I'm probably dependent, but I would be too angry to enjoy anything of life, without it. I would be too angry, too hyperactive (some sort of cortisol, adrenaline disruption or something <self diagnosed cos I refuse to go to any other overpaid person in a white coat> And I do not see the point in suffering D for nothing.

So follow all of the above advice, and seek help, please

good luck, take care Cas 

[Rain]

up to a couple of months ago i was angry all the time.  What changed?  I changed.. I decided to change my life.  I got a new job, and started setting life goals.  I started exercising more, it changed my mood quickly and now I am happy all the time.

[fearless]

they say when you're diagnosed with a fatal disease you go through:
denial,
anger,
bargaining,
depression, and
acceptance

but what about kidney failure?  It seems we're doomed to go through them all again and again and again.  And sometimes get stuck somewhere indefinitely.
I'm angry too.  I'm sure I'll be as angry as you once I've been on dialysis 17 years.  But my anger is mostly situational.  That is I'm not pissed off at God and life anymore, although it took me years to get to that point.  Now I'm pissed off at the invisible people (corporation lackeys or government bureaucrats) who are supposed to help me but don't have any idea what my life is like or what they do to me when they cut their care.  And there's a few visible people I'm pissed at too, like the doc I ended up with by default when my doc retired.  I'm dealing with that by getting a new doc.  It's the face to face people that are the hardest and I really try to deal with that by forgiving them and telling myself it's just ignorance and they would do better if they understood.  Anger is self-destructive.  For me I have to figure out who or what is making me angry, and forgive.  Including myself.  Forgiveness is healing.  Forgive and be forgiven.  But I think I'm going to check out some of the things others said above about vitamins and hormones.  It's very possible I might a problem with something like that. 

I just read that a vit b deficiency can cause mood disturbances/anger
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/guide/vitamin-b12-deficiency-symptoms-causes
and I stopped taking my prescription b vitamins because they cost too much 

I remember hearing that magnesium helps stabilize mood. 
http://www.ultraprevention.com/healing/depression.htm
but of course dialysis patients have to be careful with minerals

we're screwed

I know for a fact that anger and depression go hand in hand.  They're flip sides of the same coin I think.  We get depressed when we've been hurt or made to feel bad about ourselves by other people or by life itself.  Anger is of course our natural protective reaction.  I've been hurt in many different ways in my life and as a woman I'm more likely to follow the route of self-loathing because anger in females is extinguished more quickly than in men - it's not as socially acceptable.

I suspect that the others above are giving good advice that you and I should follow.  If you're angry in situations that used to make you happy it's probably something chemical that's changed.  Thanks for posting this.  I'm thinking about trying to get an anti-anxiety med.
Does anyone reading this know about lowest side-effect anti-anxiety med?  I was taking xanax years ago but it gave me nightmares.  Suggestions?

gkcoley,  please let us know how you proceed and progress

[amanda100wilson]

Fearless, ItaleCymbalta which also seems to help with my joint and muscle pains.  it's recommended for pain generated by fibromyalgia, which I believe is similar to the pain I get.

[cassandra]

Hi fearless, like I said before, I think Diazepam is okay (for me anyway) against anxiety, muscle cramps, and restless leg syndrome. I've never experienced bad side-effects.

love Cas

[amanda100wilson]

diazepam is addictive, as is Xanax but If the work what the heck!

[gkcoley]

up to a couple of months ago i was angry all the time.  What changed?  I changed.. I decided to change my life.  I got a new job, and started setting life goals.  I started exercising more, it changed my mood quickly and now I am happy all the time.

Yes, but i am also severly limited in doing these things cause i am in a wheelchair

[jeannea]

Some people can just say I am going to be happy and it works but those people are very rare.

Most of us have real struggles with depression, anger, anxiety, etc. They are not easy and not curable just because we say be cured. Medication can be helpful, therapy can be helpful, friends and family can help, hobbies or exercise can help, whatever helps you get through another day. But your feelings are real.

I hope you can find the help you need.

[cdwbrooklyn]

Hi Fearless,
I can truly relate to how you are feeling.  I’ve been on D for 14 years now and there are sometimes I get very angry and start to cry but I always talk myself out of it not allowing D to win.  I find that when you are involved with something, you spend less time thinking about D.   If you look on the internet for volunteer work, you will find something you can do while you are in a wheelchair.  There are so many things to do.  I feel your anger is coming from feeling that you are limited.  You are only as limited as you allow yourself to be.  You just need to be involved so you can feel that you are needed.  Once that happens, your anger will turn to happiness because you are involve with too many thing to think about D.  Don’t let D get you down.  Look at it as something to give you more energy and keep you healthy so you can do the things you like. 

Hang in there!!!   

[fearless]

Thank you to those who've offered specific suggestions re: meds.

I'm sorry I sorta "hijacked" gkcoley's post.  I just felt very empathetic to what he's feeling, so I "shared".
gkcoley: you're not alone.

cdwbrooklyn: perhaps you were writing to gkcoley?
I think you must be a very strong person to deal with 14 yrs on dialysis and be so happy and positive.  And I know you are very earnest in your desire to help.  But implying that a person is angry or depressed because they're not "involved" enough kinda misses the point.  There may be many reasons why someone would be going through a bad time.  Volunteer work doesn't necessarily solve root problem .  I've tried it.  It makes you feel good while you're doing it, but if you're limited by time, or lack of physical energy, it's no solution 
Do you think it's possible that people can lose the joy they normally have for a medical reason?  I think its worth checking out.  Or sometimes people get angry or anxious because they're TOO needed: family responsibilities, financial worries, etc.  There's no one-size-fits-all solution.
But thank you so much for your comment, it's certainly something to consider.  Your attitude is inspiational.

[gkcoley]

Thank you for all the help everybody, this gives me soem things to consider.  Also, its not nto being involved because i do work from home for a company that i am the center of my group and Fearless, you didn't hijack it, its jsut good you found somebody to relate to...sometiems that makes all the difference.

[kitkatz]

I am in the same boat.  Mad at adults a lot!  Some days just pissed for no reason.  Sigh. Fourteen years of this SH**!
Nocturnal dialysis made the moods better. Do not swing as much from the rafters!

[noahvale]

*

[JasonEb]

Personally, I know my anger comes from having to deal with the bureaucracy, inefficiency, hypocrisy, lack of empathy, inability to think outside the box, and sheer absurdity of the medical field in general, and dialysis in specific for 12 years now.

[amanda100wilson]

I am pretty sure that depression results from chemical imbalances because of non-functioning kidneys as well as the physical, social and psychological aspects of the disease itself.  that is why depression  is so,prevalent in the renal community.  all of us are survivors, dealing with complex medical issues on a daily basis.  not surprised that it gr DS us down.  I don't work ,but just trying to sort the house out between doing dialysis, doing what I need to for my family tires me out and frustrates me that I can't  do more, so Fearless I admire you for the fact that,you work to.  as to specific advise for you both, I really don't have any.

[st789]

We all have our temperament issues when dealing when this chronic condition.  Look at the positive side, you have a job working from home.

[cdwbrooklyn]

Fearless, I’m glad you were inspirational regarding my attitude; however, it did not come overnight.   I don’t believe that medication is always the answer to solving someone’s depression.  In my opinion, some depressions come from a person’s attitude, how your feel about yourself in your current situation, and weather or not you accept what is.   You can find happiness if you put your mind to it.  D is not a bad thing as many people see it.  If it wasn’t for D, we would not be here.  So that’s one positive way to look at it.  However, there are far more people in this world that suffers a lot more than you.  Some people on D did not survive more than two years but you made it through 17 years.  I think that’s plausible considering the odds.

Although, I have my not so good days, it’s not all the time. Most of the times I’m enjoying life and refuse to allow D to bring me to the point that will make me feel depress because I’m limited.  If I am limited, I will accept it and do things that work for me.  I’m not being unrealistic but sometimes our willingness NOT to change our attitude can cause depression and anger.  It is good to have someone to vent to without judgment and help you through your depression and anger.  What do you thing a therapy is going to do?  Just listen to what you have to say and find a way to put you back on balance. Should that fail, he or she will prescribe medication.  Yes, it helps so does talking to someone who’s willing to listen and understanding without judgment.   Anyhoo, I truly believe you will get back on track because the first step to healing is talking about it. 

Best Wishes!!!   

Oh Yeah, I’m on D to live, not to live to be on D.  Yes, I’m positive on D most of the times because doing it at home is a whole different world than doing it in-center.   

     

[fearless]

cdwbrooklyn,
I hope you will read this page over again from the top and pay attention to who's saying what.  I haven't been on dialysis 17 yrs.
Thanks again for encouraging me by telling me I can find happiness if I put my mind to it.  That's very helpful.
Hearing that "there are far more people in this world that suffers a lot more than you" is really helpful too. 
thanks a whole lot cdwbrooklyn!

[lmunchkin]

GK, guddo's to you for keeping your head on D for 17 years. My husband is in a wheelchair also.  He has amputations to deal with too on top of D.  I know he mourns the loss of his limbs, daily.  Its not just the dialysis, Ive got that covered for him, but I can't give him his legs.  They are gone for good, and that is a lot to deal with.
Not all nights, but some nights I hear him weeping in the night.  I lie there quitely, I never say a word to him, I let him get it out of his system.  Its good for him to cry, because it is cleansing.  Next day, he is good and lives for another day.

He does have prothetics but barely puts them on due to fluid build up.  If you slighthly retain fluid, those prostetics are not very good.  Now if he dialysis and puts it on, he is ok.  But I D. him in the evenings and he goes to sleep afterwards.

I know he mourns the loss, and for that Iam helpless.

God Bless,
lmunchkin