always angry?

[amanda100wilson]

cdwbrooklyn, don't give up your day job to be a therapist.  telling someone that there are people worse than you is not helpful. I am pretty sure that Fearless is well aware of that fact.  if you have read her previous posts, you will discover that she works full-time, comes home to dialyse, goes to bed and repeats again the following day.   A stressful situation I would have thought?  your comments come across as very judgemental.  a little understanding wouldn't come amiss.

[cdwbrooklyn]

My bad…the first post was for gkcooley, sorry fearless but the first post was not meant for you.   Now that’s said, fearless, I understand how you feel and others as well; however, I don’t really need to read it again.  Please keep in mind that this website is only 5% of the people that are on D.  I am talking through experience.  I’ve been on D a long time and have met people who live very happy lives.  The people that are happy  had children while on D, got married while on D, travel to different countries while on D, studied in school and  became doctors, nurses, teachers and many more while on D.   So you see it’s not all bad.   Not everyone on D feels the way you feel.  Some people are happy to be on D because it’s keeping them alive so they can live life as normal as possible.  Yet on the other hand, some people can’t deal with D mentally, psychically, and emotionally.  I don’t wish D on anyone, not even my worse enemies but if you can deal with it, then make the best of it.  As I said before, if you put your mind to it, you can do it.   

[cdwbrooklyn]

Amanda, I’m sure Fearless can speak for herself.  Thank you for your opinion.  For the record, I also work a full time job, and do D when I get home.   However, it doesn’t stop me from living my life.  I’m too blessed to be stressed and so is Fearless.  That all I’m trying to say.   

[Whamo]

  cdBROOKLYN,   I admire you for being able to cope with dialysis so well for 14 years.  You give me hope that I can continue to adapt to the challenges ahead.  I'm feeling pretty good today, and feeling good is good enough for me.   

[amanda100wilson]

well, I often feel as Fearless does, which is why I said why I did.  your comments do not inspire.  being told that there are people worse off than you when you are struggling with depression is rally not helpful, as I know from experience.  I live my life, Andi enjoy life.  I have done a degree, worked full time, re-located to a different county and had a child while having ESRD.  that being said, the grief for a future lost pops up again and again.  fearless is relatively new to NxStage and the challenges it brings.  the honeymoon is over and the reality sets in.  I felt just the same way at about the same time after starting NxStage, so hopefully it is just a reactionary phase.  when people post on here about how they feel, they are in the moment.  that doesn't mean that they aren't resilient, don't/won't enjoy life now and in the future.  what they don't need is someone moralising on how they should feel and act.  kudos to you if you can be so positive; not everyone can.

[Jill Marie Evans]

Hi All,

Interesting post. It's good (for me, anyway) to hear all the various emotional reactions to the situation(s). I do think some moods are directly chemical. Drugs do that, of course. I have been on major doses of prednisone before and been completely whack for log periods as a result. On the other hand, I find that micro-management (of the all the basics: food, meds, sleep, exercise, fluids...) is crucial in this CKD limbo we are in. It certainly tries ones patience on a daily basis, but it is the only hope for actually enjoying living through this, meds or not.

Because I got my first auto-immune disease when I was eleven, there is a lot for me to look at retrospectively in order to put the puzzle pieces together, if you know what I mean--observing my personal physical reactions to various inputs. In my view this is a very big deal; this is where I am able to make sense of things, more so than looking solely at what the Dr.s present me with. But, I suppose that only comes with a history of sorts, and doesn't solve everything that comes down the pike.

In the end though, I mostly agree with cdw, because when I get angry, I always think that living well is the best revenge, and would have been my goal anyway, had I not wanted or needed any revenge! And then....I'm right back to micro-managing again.

Btw, I tried Prozac recently (which I knew from previous experience I preferred over Paxil or some others), and it put me straight to sleep. Honestly, they might as well have given me some old-fashioned downers--just worthless in my case. My Dr.s have told my that I can take Tryptophan if I want. It is expensive, but you can just use it as needed, instead of every day. I'm pre-dialysis, gfr 12, so that may be why I got sleepy!! What I actually desire is coffee, lol.

Good luck and God bless to all of you.

[cdwbrooklyn]

@ Whamo – That’s how I felt when hearing positive stories from people who survive much longer than I did and yes it does feel good.

@Amanada – Believe me I do understand and can relate; however, I’m more of a positive person and love to hear positive things.  I’m not telling anyone what to do, I’m just sharing my experience and what helped me.  I believe you took it the wrong way. Anyhoo, I do respect your feelings and admire all the things you’ve accomplished while on D.  Now that’s what I like to hear to pick me up and to keep me going as Whamo had expressed. 

[kitkatz]

Oh wow! I can see the anger in the way people treat each other on this thread. 

Remember everyone is entitled to an opinion, whether you like it or not personally. 

Please no personal attacks.  Express your opinion, and please be nice to one another.



kitkatz-Moderator

[fearless]

lmunchkin:
God bless you.  i think you are an angel.

Amanda: thanks.  Yeah, i think you understand what I'm going through.
When i was doing PD there was so much time to meditate and de-stress and even enjoy the simple pleasures.  With trying to do "slow" dialysis in the framework of "short-daily" (which comes out to "long-daily" - ever single moment seems to be about dialysis or care-related.  Without an extra minute anywhere, when something goes wrong and throws a monkey wrench in the works, it's almost too much.

I found a better doc and am switching to a new clinic, and am checking out a nocturnal in-clinic about an hour's drive from home.  Really psyched about the possibility of having some TIME again!  Thank you so much.

[rfranzi]

Personally, I know my anger comes from having to deal with the bureaucracy, inefficiency, hypocrisy, lack of empathy, inability to think outside the box, and sheer absurdity of the medical field in general, and dialysis in specific for 12 years now.

THANK YOU! It's been four months for me on dialysis, and you just described exactly how I have felt since I was first diagnosed and had to deal with this medical "system" as we know it. And, boy am I pissed.