Life sucks

[Rain]

Usually I'm happy and up beat but lately I just want to run away from my problems.

My mom is a type 1 diabetic and has renal failure for the last 11 years.  For the last year she has been hospitalized every other month with something.  She has been in the hospital for the last three weeks with fluid in the lung.  The docs say they could control it if she does daily dailysis.  But she is starting to give up.  I got a call from my dad to come home ( Hoping I could get dialysis on such short notice) since it could go either way. 

My question Is how do I let her go?  I know she wants me home to saw goodbye.  For the last year she has been trying to tell me if things get worse she is going to stop dialysis and let nature take it's course. 
She is young also in her late 50s.  She has lost both her legs due to diabetes but learned how to walk again with prostestics.  She is blind in her left eye due to being pregnant with me 28 years ago. 
Sometimes I wonder if she never had me since that's when the complications started would she be well today??

I'm just going through a hard time right now.  Sorry for the rant.

[monrein]

Please don't feel you need to be sorry for struggling with this very tough situation.  I think it's always hard to let someone go but when it's your mother and you too are on D then hard doesn't quite cut it as a word of description.  I can understand how you Mom might be feeling that it's just all too difficult to go on living and perhaps you could encourage her not to give up.  The one thing I think I can say with some certainty is that you must NOT blame yourself, or your birth, for being at the root of all your Mom's issues.  Pregnancy and childbirth are often complicated and sometimes have lasting consequences but mothers rarely regret or resent the children that are the result.  I wish you the strength to support your Mom right now and please be gentle with yourself also.   

[boswife]

   No blame..  No guilt..  An other than that, i just feel awful for you being in this posisition..  I have no words to help, but  i had to let you know how much i wish things better for you and for peace can come to you in all of this.  mor 

[brenda seal]

Rain , i know exactly how you feel . I lost my Mum two years ago ,she was much older than your Mom at 83 . My Mum was battling breast cancer for the second time in her life . She went through so much - radiotherapy , drugs and finally it spread into her bones and her hip snapped . She agreed to a hip replacement and was in hospital recovering from the surgery when she had a bleed and they wanted to give her a blood transfusion . It was at this point she gave up and said no more I have had enough . She told me she just wanted to die now and that I was to respect her decision . It was horrible for me to let her go but she had suffered so much .
Your Mom maybe has come to a similar decision or hopefully she is just going through a really bad patch . I hope you have someone to help support you through this as you are also going to have to deal with your Dad and his grief . My Mum was a very strong minded person and once she made up her mind about something that was that . For your Mom to have coped with all that she has for as long as she has must mean she is also strong minded and she will decide her fate .
I am sure it is the diabetes that has caused so much damage to her body and not giving birth to you . I wish you well and hope you have the strength to cope with everything . Mostly I hope your Mum recovers from the fluid on her lungs and you get to enjoy her for a good few years more .
Brenda

[HSM]

Hey Rain, tough situation to be in. I can't relate directly to it, but I know what it feels like to want to give up on life. I was young when I ended up on dialysis and thought "What's the point anymore?". But things can change so quickly in life, I'm glad I never gave up. For me things did get better, maybe the same could happen for her and her health could improve. Could you talk her into not wanting to take that route? My personal opinion is we should all fight until the end as life is to beautiful to want to let go of so early.

Hardev

[Whamo]

Life does reach a point of diminishing returns, but yes, things can change quickly.  To me, death is a relief from suffering, so I welcome it in due course, but life can be very good, so I embrace it as well.  I had a great day at Disneyland yesterday with the wife.  Walked on to Star Tours and Buzz Lightyear (lost to my wife though) shoot'em up.  Indiana bumped me around too much, and the Jungle Cruise pun jokes made me groan, but at least they have a new speil.  Losing a parent is hard.  Lost my dad when he was 62.  My mother is 87, but swims 3 times a week, and will hopefully outlive me. 

[Rain]

I'm leaving later on this week to head home.  I spoke with my mom over the phone and she is completely washed out, cant keep a conversation going, and has a whizzing sound when breathing. 

She is still doing treatment every date.  But sleeps all day.  My dad has been trying to take her out outside to get some fresh air every day.  He has finally accepted the fact that an end is near, and he is trying to get me to let go.  HE told me mom is hanging on for you , you have to tell her she doesn't have to hang on any more.

The other thing is i know that my dad hasn't been taking care of himself the last 3 weeks.  There probably isn't any fresh veggies or fruit in the house and he is probably living off toast.  These are the days I wish i wasn't an only child.  And my boyfriend is away on business during the time I'm heading home, so there is no support.  I have to be the rock to try to keep things sane.

[boswife]

your in a tough spot for sure and it's going to be rough for a while im afraid.  I too was in this type of 'life' for a good while, and im supposodly the healthy one, and it took me down.  I was carring for my mom and my hubby and i was so torn.  Sometimes, i worry that my mom 'let go' prematurly as she felt such a burdan even though i did everything in my power to make her not feel that way.  I feel so bad knowing how it hurts.  Sending some love and prayers for strength..   

[WishIKnew]

I will be thinking of you and your family. Can't even begin to imagine the pain.   

[Rain]

So my mom is home but on oxygen and it looked like she aged 20 years.  They want to make sure she can keep the fluid off at home, by doing her normal routine.  The only problem is she kept waking my dad and I up every hour last night, cause she couldn't sleep.  Argg...  I talked to my dad about putting her in a home until she gets her strength up since she has has lost some much strenght that she gets winded just moving herself from her wheelchair to the couch and after last night, I'm worried about my dads health.

But nope I got shut down. 

[cassandra]

Oh Rain, I wish I could say or do something that would help you and your family.
I'm so sorry to hear all this. I can only say to stay strong, and I'll be thinking of you.

lots of love Cas

[Cordelia]

            

Thinking of you!

[Jean]

Indeed life does suck at times. this is one of them for you. How awful for you to have to go through. I feel so badly for you and know I can not help at all.Sending strong positive thoughts to you and will keep you and your family in prayer.   

[Rain]

My mom came home and she has been gaining strength every day.  She panics if you doesn't have her oxygen on.  She thinks she did something wrong in life to deserve this, but my father and I both explained its her disease not her.  Type 1 Diabetes is awful.   She also started losing her hair in clumps and she is almost bald. 
I managed to get the full story from my father. She has a lump on her lung, and they don't know what it is since she refused to get a CT scan and biopsy.  I thing she is scared it's cancer cause she lost both her older sisters to cancer. 
I left yesterday since I had to go back to work.  I told her I will be back next month during my vacation.   This is the freaky part and I'm scared. She told me this is the last time I will see her.  I plan on calling every few days to check in on her.  I know she can push through this and feel better. 

[cassandra]

glad to hear you feel a bit better. I hope your mum start feeling better soon too. I can understand her fears though.
Sorry you have to go through this.

keep strong, and lots of love Cas