Dating

[Lexxtech18]

I know, right?!  I mean who wants to actually get to know the person they're with? Psh that's for losers!  lol

[Chris]

That's why there are 2 bedrooms?

[RichardMEL]

lexx you were feeling like you were having to do all the work, imho, because the relationships and guys weren't right for you. I don't know where the right one is, but aside from Disney movies, while all relationships take work, compromise, give/take and communication it shouldn't feel like hard work to keep it going.. that's surely a sign its broken or not right in the first place... well that's my view... from the very long time single guy.... so take that as a guide to how useful that opinion is :p

[KarenInWA]

lexx you were feeling like you were having to do all the work, imho, because the relationships and guys weren't right for you. I don't know where the right one is, but aside from Disney movies, while all relationships take work, compromise, give/take and communication it shouldn't feel like hard work to keep it going.. that's surely a sign its broken or not right in the first place... well that's my view... from the very long time single guy.... so take that as a guide to how useful that opinion is :p

I 100% totally agree with what Richard wrote. I am a long-time single woman. I'm beginning to think there really is something to that whole "He's just not that into you" theory. Let me tell you, that has literally been the story of my so-called "dating" life! Each and every single time I have ever been stupid enough to try. So, at age 39, I have literally given up. I will not make any special efforts to meet anyone. If I come upon someone in my normal life, then I will give that a chance. But I don't want to be the only party who is trying to drum up interest, either. If he is interested, he needs to be a man and make contact, too. Where I live, in the greater Seattle area, that doesn't happen often. *Especially* to me. And when it does, it is usually someone who is NOT someone I am interested in. Too old, too gross, have nothing going for them, too married, have issues that don't jive with mine. Sorry, yes, I am picky, and I will not take on anyone else's fabricated drama. I tried that once, a few months before I started dialysis. I then told him I ddidn't have the "luxury" of putting up with his fabricated drama. Never heard from him again. What a relief! 

KarenInWA

[deniferfer]

WAIT, Disney has lied to me??? So a guy is not going to come wake me from my sleep and take me back to his castle and marriage me? Shoot time to change my avatar pic!! 

But no seriously.. i also agree to what Richard said that any relationship is work and there is a give and take to it. That if your the one putting in all the work and all he is doing is taking what you give but not willing to give back then that is not a true relationship. I know there are a lot of jerk guys and complete assholes that have never been thought what it means to be a really gentleman!!! They have no clue on how to be  kind and respectful to a woman. But on the other hand i also know there are good guys out there and they are the ones that are worth waiting for.

But I'm also  not willing to just settle for anyone that comes my way. I actually such a dork that i have a list of what i hope to find in a guy and what i want from him. It not anything over the top like make a million dollars a year but little things like truthful, caring, genuine, funny and hell actually wants to have a real conversation with me!! I have also have a 3 strikes your out, this are things I'm not willing to put up with. Thou the too married would be a simple hell no!!! But where to find someone that meets this list of mine? Hint not a free online dating site...little dirty birds there!! lol

I will say that lately it has been hard and i have been lonely. With all the crap my body is doing right now and all the stuff they keep adding on to the list of things to do and have done. That I wish i had that special person that would cuddle me and say hey its OK. But right now mommy is having to due when i go over there. 




 

[Lexxtech18]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having standards, deniferfer. I also have standards and expectations of a potential mate. Like for one, he must have a job. I don't care if he makes minimum wage or $100,000 a year. So long as he can pay for himself. All of my exes relied on me for too much. I only had one boyfriend who had his own car (though he still wanted gas money from me) and that was the abusive ex. I've been far too gererous in my past relationships, I didn't know how to say "no." I would like a man to take care of me for once or at least take care of himself. If I can be on dialysis and have a full time, good paying job and care for myself there's no reason my man can't! 

[gothiclovemonkey]

i agree too, with richard... while im not exactly taking that same advice....

In the past I have dated some seriously losers, guys who didnt work, guys that were abusive, guys that were just plain asshats.
my last two actual relationships(not just a date here and there), though, have been a huge step up. they both worked, they both had vehicles, and both had living spaces...
The one i have right now has a great job, when we met he had a car (it broke, i convinced him to buy mine, and IT too broke...) he lived with his gma when we met, because she needed him... and he isnt really abusive... We have issues (as you may have read) and it may or may not work out for us, but we are giving it one last shot...
I wasnt looking to date anyone when we met... we met, and started hanging out, and hit it off..

In the event it doesnt work out, I am taking the same approach that KareninWA is. If it happens, it happens, but im not going to actively look. Pretty much how i met this bf... but next time, I will not jump so quickly to be the gf either! i want someone who is going to work at it... if you want me bad enough, you will work for my love..

We kind of have to be picky, a little bit, because we arent exactly in a place were we can put up with too much crap...

[LabRat]

I'm late to the party here.. My luck at dating pre kidney issues was never the greatist and if it wasn't that great before it's worse now! 

Long story short after many years absence I put up a profile on POF and I laid everything on the table basically saying " if any of this bothers you, please don't bother messaging me". Low and behold someone in my city did respond, we emailed back and forth a few times and then we agreed to meet after about a month. I told her exactly what I am like including my sense of humour which can be R-rated at times depending on the situation.

So we met for coffee, I didn't really get great "vibes" from her.. didn't hear from her 3 days after we met.. so I said "what's up?" then I got the "Dear John" email. My immediate reaction was to delete and block her on FB. That was in Dec 2012.

Haven't bothered to go looking since nor do I really have any desire too, and probably for the same reasons I have already read. I'm stable now but there is no guarantee that's always going to be the case. I'm a fairly big guy to begin with and I'm pretty sure it's a physical turn off to most women anyway..

[Lexxtech18]

LabRat - Love the name btw, I'm a labrat, myself. xD I'm the one that draws your blood. Muwahhaha! Anywho, POF? That was your first mistake. POF is full of... *shudders* Just ew. I've met people from POF and OKCupid. No. Never again. Losers. Douchebags. All wanting f-buddies. Sorry, but I actually have respect for myself, kthanksbai. lol Stay off those sleezy online dating sites; you'll find a much nicer girl offline, I'm sure of it. Just my two cents. 

Well, here I am back in the dating thread as today my boyfriend (of a one month. Whoop-dee-doo!) broke up with me this morning. He literally used the "It's not you, it's me. I need to find myself." line.    Yeah. Okay, buddy. Ohhh flippin' well. Back to square one! ^_^ Anyone else having any luck in the love department, eh?

[LabRat]

I'm not sure if POF is necessarily full of sleazebags cuz um well I was on POF and I never sent any messages or replied to messages saying " hey baby wanna shag?" totally not my style..

That's the thing I have found someone "offline", I used to work with her before she left for medical reasons, the minute I laid eyes on her I was like " blah bah ba" you know sorta like the invisible teacher from Peanuts? We became really good friends and still are today but alas I've been relegated to the friendzone. She ironically found someone on POF and moved in with him.. and you know how it is.. I'm like " gaaaaaaaaaah! no!!!!" But what can you do?

Sorry to hear about getting the heave ho from your boyfriend.. you know full well when people say " it's not you, it's me" that they really mean " it's not me.. it's you"? I've heard that line so many times it's not funny that I no longer believe it.

No luck for me in the love dept since you were asking...

[KarenInWA]

I am nearing 40, perpetually single, and have never had any luck in the so-called "love" department. I figure guys didn't like me before I was on dialysis, so they certainly wouldn't like me while on dialysis. Now I am transplanted and have too much respect for my health to waste my time on dating. It seems like everyone out there expects sex ASAP, and if you don't give it up, you get dumped. However, in my experiences, even if you do give it up, you get dumped. Now that I have a drug-induced compromised immune system, I really don't want to risk my sexual and over-all health by getting in the sack with someone who most likely has a history of multiple random hook-ups (and yes, even *with* condoms, there is still a risk. HPV, for example, does not just stay in the borders of penis and vagina. I *really* don't want to catch some nasty ick that is forever going to change my health history from some guy who doesn't give a literal crap about me.) I gave up on "dating" because I got so sick and tired of being led on and lied to just so he could get a piece of ass and then dump me or play the whiney bitch card so I would get sick of him and dump him. I have yet to meet a "real" man in my almost 40 years on this earth. Wait, let me re-phrase that. I have yet to meet a "real" *American* man. As far as I'm concerned, there are no real men in America anymore. I'm done trying.

I have been told by many that I am negative when it comes to this. Well, how can I not be when that is all I know? If I were to meet someone today, I would want things to progress slowly (no jumping in bed too soon, and by too soon I mean 2 or 3 months, preferably 3. Why 3? Because I've never had a "relationship" last that long. Seriously.) And, I would want that man to NOT hook-up with others in the meantime. From what I understand, that is apparently asking for too much. You see, the "norm" out there is to see each other while being able to screw others on the side. Then, after 3 months, or maybe 6, you then agree to be "exclusive". In my goal of preserving my sexual and over-all health, this does not work. I do not need that stress in my life. So with that, I am done with "dating" and all the hell that goes with it. It is not worth it to me.

Besides, the only men who give me attention or compliments are married men. Disgusting and/or older men used to do that too, but for now, that seems to have calmed down. I am not going to get excited about attention from married men.

KarenInWA

[HSM]

Hey everyone,

I've been meaning to respond on here for a little while now. Firstly I agree, there is nothing wrong with anyone wanting to wait before taking things to the next level, infact I'd go as far to say you wouldn't be as hurt if you break up early in the relationship as it being more of an accentuated friendship as opposed to getting engaged in 2 months lol. I think taking things physical early on is a total mistake in my opinion.

I'm a dude and I'm glad all the women aren't bashing every guy. Sure there are some idiots who see women as one conquest after the next, but there are good guys who want to settle down and have something serious. I think some people I've met can see past me being on dialysis, but a lot of people can't deal with it in my opinion. But I think that goes generally too for difficult circumstances. I find a lot of people can be weak in today's world and look for as easy a life as possible and they avoid anything that they feel may complicate matters. That doesn't mean they will complicate matters, just the perception some people have.

I'm 27 and single, all I ask for is a girl who will admire my reflection with me LOL! Just kidding (I hope that's as funny to you as it was when I thought of it lol).

On a serious note, someone started a dating group on Facebook for dialysis patients, if you're on Facebook, give it a go. I'm one of the admins now as I was asked to help out. Hopefully a few of you guys and girls can find a potential partner on there, or worst case scenario; a friend or two. The link is https://www.facebook.com/groups/130498537142640/?fref=ts

Good luck!

[KarenInWA]

If I met a nice guy, I'd feel differently, for sure. I just have never met one. I lost my virginity at a relatively "older" age - 26. Men didn't like me, and the ones who did didn't want to be my "first" - because let's face it, they knew what a big deal that was, and they didn't want to be my big deal. The guy who did that broke up with me at 2.5 months and went for white trash. The guys who I dated before that broke up with me at the 2 month or 2.5 month mark. So for me, it really didn't matter. Give it up or don't give it up - either way, get dumped. The only positive experience I've had with a man was a man I had a crush on and never dated. Something may have happened at some point, but I'll never know. I ended up w/a boyfriend that didn't last. I recently googled this former crush and found out he killed himself about 2.5 years ago. Sad. But, all in all, I am not looking. I have a very bitter attitude because of the "experiences" I've had. I believe I am meant to be alone, and that's just that.

KarenInWA

[Chris]

Tonights Laugh

[Lexxtech18]

Karen - couldn't agree more!! It seems like all I ever get is immature boys who would rather play video games. Not that there's anything wrong with video games, I'm a gamer girl, but don't let them rule your life. Get a job! Lol It's very admirable that you've decided to put your health first and put dating on the back burner. After all, if you're not around to date it kind of defeats the point, right? I have recently started to take that stance as well, putting myself first. I'd like for a man (notice I say MAN not boy) to approach me for once. And not just for sex. I'm not a hooker for crying out loud. I'm a lady! Treat me with some respect and common decency! I hate that my generation thinks its okay to be seeing and screwing around with 5 different people until you decide which one is best. I've seen far too many STD tests come up positive where I work in the lab to be a part of that mess.

HSM - thanks for the link! I'm going to look into it. So you say you're single eh? hahaha

[bansix]

I just wanted to add my two cents.
I was seeing someone before (or as I started to have renal failure). So when it finally happened (ESRD) it delayed us getting serious. She stuck by me and we got serious but it only lasted 6 months.
Between working full time and going to hemo 3 days a week and never being able to take road trips with her. She didn't think we spent enough time together.
To be honest when I had free time I still had chores, like laundry, cleaning, etc. Or I was just too tired and wanted to rest.
So I've been hesitant to start anything else because of the anticipation of heartbreak later. I'm sure that has a part of ruining the relationship, me thinking that way.
But that's why I think I need to find someone who is also going through ESRD.

[jbeany]

 My husband left just before I started D - in large part because of my illness (and his mistress, but that's a another story) and I was sure that dating right away was a lousy idea for my own mental health.  While my sister is firmly of the opinion that the best way to get over a man is to get under another one, that just didn't appeal to me.  So I didn't bother to even think about it.

Then I got my transplant - and it was a mess.  I had every complication in the book that you could think of that wasn't fatal.  I had an open wound the size of a basketball on my abdomen for the first 8 months. I had to relearn to walk after two months bed-bound.  After that, I got a skin graft that I had for 15 months - as my incision under the graft split back open and my intestines spilled into view under that skinny layer of tissue.  Then, with more complications, I had the graft removed and all my intestines pinned back in place and the split incision finally jammed back together.  (I got to relearn to walk again.) I've now got a seam running from my bra to under my bikini line, with no belly button left.   I also had nerve damage that left substantial portions of me completely numb from my (former) belly button to mid thigh.  I'm still in pain from it all pretty frequently, 2 years after the last surgery.

Add in steroid meds to that mix, and dating wasn't even on my list of things to think about.  I had so little interest in the opposite sex for so long, I was starting to think the meds had unbalanced my hormones to the point that I was never going to be interested ever again.

About 6 months ago, my hormones apparently kicked back into gear.  Someone I'd know for quite a while at the pro bono clinic I volunteer at suddenly set all my alarm bells off.  It was obvious to me quickly that I wasn't his type at all.  (He seems to prefer his women tall, thin, and athletic.  Three strikes and I'm out on that!)  Well, that was fine, really.  He's a friend, and, hey, I can still enjoy the view.  Mostly I was relieved the switches were still working, right?

Except I realized two months ago that even if he had been interested, I was in no shape to follow through.  We were at court for a hearing.  His client had dashed out after they were in front of the judge and was hiding in the ladies room so she didn't have to face her soon-to-be-ex-husband in the hallway.  The clinic director asked if he should stay with us until she came out of hiding.  My friend replied, "No, I'm fine, I've got Beany with me."  He reached over while he said it and put his arm around me, and his hand on my back over my native kidney, tugging me toward him just a bit.

A normal reaction to a friend touching me would have been not to think anything about.  A normal reaction to someone I'm really attracted to should have been, "Hurray!"

But after 7 years single, where the only physical contact I've had has been from doctors, nurses, and physical therapists, usually involving some level of pain, my reaction was to freeze solid, not even breathing, while the thought, "Oh shit, how much is this going to hurt?" ran through my head.  That thought was chased by "Dear-god-Don't-scream - there's an armed bailiff standing 6 feet away!"

So, yeah, there's my sign.  No dating for me for the foreseeable future.

[Chris]

It doesn't matter who  touches my abdomen, it is very uncomfortable, but if someone touches the area of my native kidneys I will drop to the floor with extreme pain for some reason. Very embarrassing to  say the least. I'm not use to be hugged either.
 
Probably a different pain than yours jbeany.

[noahvale]

*

[jbeany]

It doesn't matter who  touches my abdomen, it is very uncomfortable, but if someone touches the area of my native kidneys I will drop to the floor with extreme pain for some reason. Very embarrassing to  say the least. I'm not use to be hugged either.
 
Probably a different pain than yours jbeany.

I wonder if that pain when someone presses on bad kidneys is common?  Mine hurt like the dickens, and have since they started to fail.  Mine failed because of the long-term effects of juvenile diabetes, so it's not like there's cysts on mine that would make that an expected side effect.  There's also some connection for me with it getting worse the lower my hemoglobin is, but even with my hemoglobin running 13 or 14 now with the transplant, it hasn't completely gone away.

[Chris]

It doesn't matter who  touches my abdomen, it is very uncomfortable, but if someone touches the area of my native kidneys I will drop to the floor with extreme pain for some reason. Very embarrassing to  say the least. I'm not use to be hugged either.
 
Probably a different pain than yours jbeany.

I wonder if that pain when someone presses on bad kidneys is common?  Mine hurt like the dickens, and have since they started to fail.  Mine failed because of the long-term effects of juvenile diabetes, so it's not like there's cysts on mine that would make that an expected side effect.  There's also some connection for me with it getting worse the lower my hemoglobin is, but even with my hemoglobin running 13 or 14 now with the transplant, it hasn't completely gone away.

Maybe it is diabetic related? The pain is worse than the neuropathy pains.

[msf21]

I am glad I found this topic, as this is something I am going through currently. I am currently dating this girl for about 2 months now. Everything is going really well. She knows all about this process now. She has seen me do PD, dealing with drain pain, and even a 2 day ordeal in the hospital. When I was put on Dialysis in May, I thought this was it as far as a normal life, but that hasn't been the case so far. I still work full time, now I have a GF, and I live in my own apt. I rarely go to the doctors for emergencies (I hope I didn't jinx anything). I guess I was worried about performance, because for a while I didn't have much of a sex drive. That has improved since I started dating again.  It seems for the most part I am still pretty normal.