Feeling depressed...again

[pagandialysis]

Not sure where to start on this one.

 

I feel like I am going to die lately and that's not really from my depression but it adds to it. Why do I feel like I am going to die? I am still acting like an idiot and drinking more liquids (not alcohol) than I should be and thanks to crap I almost always miss one treatment a week. I had to miss treatment today because the wife got in a car wreck and I wanted to be with her in the ER more then in that darn chair. I haven't seen my dry weight in two weeks.

As far as the depression goes it's hard to explain. I just feel like there is a wall between me and everything else. I feel isolated from my family and friends. I go to treatment and I am alone. I come home and have to sleep the rest of the day so again alone. The day after treatment I am sometimes to tired to move that day so I stay at home while my wife goes off to study for her Master's degree finals. Yes she is taking a test not doing a thesis, loooong story. I have more of a relationship with my bus driver than I do with my friends and family and I think that's kinda sad. I don't feel sad but I am never happy anymore. The closet I get is laughing at a joke but then after I do its like a vacuum sucks all of the joy out of me. I know that sounds weird but that's how I feel.

 

[paris]

A friend recently told me that she felt like the world was sucking the joy out of her.  She wants to be happy, but it keeps slipping away.  Your post sounds very similar.

This is a hard disease for others to "get".  Most of us have lost friends because we aren't who we used to be.  I don't like shopping, walking around malls, ever going out to dinner.  When you don't go, people try to push you. Then they seem to drop you.   It is very sad.   

Please, for your own heath, go to ever treatment. We want you to be as strong and able as possible. As you regain some strength, your outlook may look brighter.   In the meantime, come here and dump you problems on us.  I lean on this group all the time.  They know what I feel.      So rant away--everyday if you need to.   Sending many good thoughts your way.   I hope tomorrow is better.     

[tbarrett2533]

all I have to say to this post is.. DITTO!!

I recently started therapy and it turns out that my therapist is the only person in my life that actually listens (besides the people on here)

Get on here and read some of the stories and post... you would be surprised at how much the people on here actually care and underestand

don't give up!!

 

[Meinuk]

Pagan,

The first week that I slept in my new bed, I thought "this is the bed I am going to die in."  I even imagined what the MEs would have to deal with when they remove the body.  The fact is, EVERYONE thinks about dying.  The reality is, EVERYONE eventually dies.  Living is what happens in between those thoughts.  My advice: Choose life.

Depression happens.  We live anyway. Some days suck. Other days can be amazing. It is what it is.

The most important thing is that you realize and can articulate what is going on inside your head.  Dialysis will keep a person alive.  What we do between sessions is life.

Get out of bed in the morning, go to dialysis, deal with the treatment, and deal with that wall.  It is there, but it is surmountable. NO ONE that loves you will understand, BUT you have to realize that it does not matter.  They love you anyway. Kidney failure isn't a barrier.  It is simply an annoyance.

The minute that you can put it in its place, so can the people who love you. They are looking at you for guidelines on how to deal.

Think of your kidneys as an annoying old car that you have to drive (but it is the only car you have).  You have to stop every 20 miles to top off the radiator, or the engine will burn out, but as long as you take care of it and nurse it along, it will get you to where you need to go.  It sucks that others are driving better cars, but it is what it is, and it is better than walking.

[MooseMom]

The minute that you can put it in its place, so can the people who love you. They are looking at you for guidelines on how to deal.

This is very true.  Most people try to be kind and sympathetic but don't know what to say because they don't know if you are coping well with D or if you are traumatized by it.  If you don't tell them, they won't know, so it is rarely fare to accuse them of being uncaring.

There does seem to be an element of self-destructive behaviour here...not going to D and knowingly drinking more fluids.  I wonder what is behind this?  I think it is a pretty safe bet that you will not feel better psychologically until you are well dialyzed.

Re-read Meinuk's post...it's quite brilliant.

[RichardMEL]

+1 Meinuk's post was really good.

I agree that the best part about this situation is you're well aware of what the problems are. Plus you're aware there are problems - that's 60% of the battle right there in my view. Seems to me you're at the stage where you know there are issues, and you want to, or seem to want to, do something about it.

I would make the point that I think some of the problems you're seeing are a bit of cause and effect here - for example you would probably feel better overall - ie not sleep so much etc - if you went to treatments and did not overload on fluid. It's sort of like a catch-22 I understand.

I also note you say you feel isolated from your family, yet your actions - perfectly understandable btw - say otherwise. I'm sure your wife appreciates and understands whatit means to be there in the ER to support her. My question is - if you couldn't do your session that day because of the car crash, could you not have called the unit and asked if they could fit you in the very next morning, or later that evening or something? I'm not disputing that yiour wife/family's health isn't important - of course it is - but you can be no use to them if you don't see your own health as a priority, so that means making more effort with the fluids and getting to treatments.... and of course if you go to every treatment you can probably have a little *more* fluid (just a little!) since you're getting regular fluid taken out, rather than missing treatments and having the fluid and toxins bank up inside you - thus making you more tired and feel lousy.

I can certainly understand you feeling isolated from family and friends in terms of nobody really understanding what it's like to have to deal with this stuff, do dialysis, cope with the meds and the ups and downs and so on. It's hard for family to understand and even begin to relate to all that - try as they might. That's one reason that IHD is here.

As I said you've taken some steps already by actually understanding there are problems, telling someone(us) about them, and the next step is to begin to do something about it.

My best wishes with this endeavour. It won't be easy, but I'm sure the reward will be worth it. As I used to say to my nurses at D - "no pain, no gain!"

[billybags]

From a carers point of view, I can see where you are coming from. For 7 months my husband has been ill and I have got to the stage where I do not want to talk to any one. My days are mapped out with looking after my husband, chores, hospital appointments and making sure he is comfortable. I get fed up of telling people how he is,I get so fed up of talking  about illness they do not understand and quit frankly I am not bothered. My husband is so positive, I would not have been able to put up with what he has endured. I believe we all feel like isolating our selves when things are not going right for us, I know it is not right to do this. It is not right for your partner. We do talk to each other about these problems but it seems as though D is taking over our lives  at the moment and I bet you feel the same.As Meinuk's says  some days are better than others. You need a strategy to get you through this. You have to go to D, you have to restrict your fluid, you have to think of some thing that will take your interest through the day, easily said than done, your a man your pride has been dented. When i do some thing, say gardening, which my husband always did, I know he is crying inside because he can not do it any more. I feel for him.You have to except the things that you can do and except the things that you can not. Remember you dialysis to live, not live to dialysis. We have had a good three years on D, done things, gone on brilliant holidays, its just come to a hiccup at the moment. Sorry gang I think I should have put this post in the carers section.

[daveosaurus]

I still hate everything about D and you'll still hear me gripe about docs and techs and centers. You think that'll stop? Dream on! But I hope it gets better. Anything else would be unbearable. But you're not the only one who's struggling with this. You're not alone ...  because then we'd all be alone and that would stink.

[sandra3105]

 i am sat at my desk at work having spent the 3rd night trying to cope with restless legs & HANDS ! but last night was the worse because i must have scratched my body to hell whilst throwing legs and arms all over the place, needless to say this is day 3 and the zoned out zombie has taken over i only speak when spoken to and no here has a clue ( behind my back they are probably saying "one of her moods ! ). this started 2 years ago and they put me on 1/2 500 mg clonazepam but obviiously the body becomes immune because now i take 2 of them & 4 amitrypline - 3 months ago they put me on a litre day dwell ( peritoneal D ) saying that should stop it - its got worse and when i phoned my community nurse virtually in tears suggestions : have a long soak / drink milky drink OR try more pillows !!! for F *** sake this is a physical condition and i am so
doped up the next day with the drugs ( not safe to driver but do ) because i do home D i only have hospital appt every 3/4 months but a lot can happen in that time !!  how does anyone else cope with this condition ? it is so de-moralising lack of sleep x

[texasstyle]

awww.... I'm hugging you right now. It's a real big one too. I hope you can feel it!

[billybags]

Restless leg syndrome is a right pain in the arse. My husband has suffered with this for the best part of 2 years, it is so tiring, especially for him and a nightmare for me, he doesn't sleep and I don't either. Is your iron low, are you anemic ? We find when his iron is low, which it is, his legs play up a lot more..he has tried lots of meds to help it, Gabapartin was not bad but it made him dozy in a morning, so he stopped that. I think it is a part of the renal thing, but having said that there are thousands of people world wide who do not have renal failure but have RLS.