What to do when you have no support

[rfranzi]

I have been going to some very dark places lately in my mind. I have been isolated for over a year. I have little human contact on a daily basis. It is starting to take a toll. I was diagnosed with kidney disease just over two months ago. I reached out to my son, and unfortunately he is not reaching back. I don't know if he is in denial or is having a hard time or is just lacking character, but for the short term at least I am coming to the realization that I am dealing with all of this alone. I live alone. I moved 3,000 miles away from family and friends seven years ago to put my son through the college of his choice. I was making new friends, when my world caved in. I had to file for disability, and was thrown into survival mode. I isolated because the process makes you feel small and invisible. Now I find that I have no one to reach out to, and it is becoming extremely difficult.

Anyone else been through something similar? I have been feeling so down, I have been having an extra glass of wine or eating wrong. I am starting to feel like it doesn't matter. My labs were a bit worse this month, I am on the edge of stage 4 and I really wonder about the quality of my life going forward. If I get energy, it doesn't last all day. I often feel like I am coming down with something, but then it doesn't fully materialize. I am losing myself and my will to fight is barely there....

[MooseMom]

Isolation is a very real problem for many people.  We live in a very mobile society; we move for education, jobs...alll sorts of reasons that may have been very good reasons at the time but then pan out to be not so great as our personal circumstances change.  And if you have a chronic illness, isolation becomes ever more acute.  I believe that a challenge like managing CKD serves to magnify things...if you are inherently strong, CKD can make you stronger.  If you are inherently lonely, CKD can exacerbate that.

There are many aspects to chronic illness that can affect the way we see ourselves.  It is easy to come to believe that now that we are sick, we are somehow different.  But that doesn't have to be true.  If you are a friendly, outgoing person, CKD doesn't HAVE to FORCE you into becoming a hermit.  Fight to be the same person you always were.  If you had been making new friends before, there's no real reason you HAVE to lose those friendships now.  Of course, it may be true that your new friends are not able to be supportive; they may be too new to really rely on.

I do understand a bit of what you may be feeling.  I live in this town only because it is where my husband is.  It is not MY town.  I moved here to be with him, just like you moved to put your son through college.  Your son has moved on.  My husband love me and supports me, but truth be told, I don't see him a lot because he works long hours, comes home and then promptly falls asleep on the couch.  I have no friends here and so no one to reach out to.  It sounds silly, but honestly I've found this forum to be a true lifesaver.  I can open up here and unleash the most astounding self-pitying drivel, and it makes me feel better.  I am not into chat rooms or social media of any sort, but IHD has bolstered me in ways that I would not have believed possible.  Sometimes I'm angry that an online site offers me more consolation than real live human beings, but then again, so what?  The internet is a fabulous tool for exactly this type of problem...this problem of isolation...and I will use it and I encourage you to do the same.  It is important to find a reason to fight for your life because CKD/dialysis/transplant are HUGE battles.

I am really sorry to hear that your son is not offering you the emotional support you'd like.  That must be very disappointing on just about every level.  Maybe he will come around.  Does he live locally?

[Deanne]

I'm sorry you feel so alone. Several of us here are single / live alone. Kidney disease makes it harder, but it's still possible to have friends and a life. What are your interests? Do you get along well with your neighbors? Do you belong to any organizations?

I moved across country alone about 15 years ago. It takes time to get re-aclimated and for the new place to feel like home. I made friends with a couple of my neighbors and I started walking. A lot of people like to walk for exercise, so it was a good way to find an inexpensive, shared interest, and also helps my own health! My neph wants me exercising as much as I can.

I make sure when I see a neighbor struggling with something (carrying something, trying to shovel bark, whatever), I stop to say "hi" when I'm walking past and I offer to help when I can. Just little things to open up the lines of communication and to make sure people see you as approachable. If you have particular interests, try community education classes. They're usually inexpensive and a way to get out once in a while. Or if you like to read, find a book club. There are often flyers posted in bookstores about them. You can check the books out at the library. Are you able to work part time?

[Sax-O-Trix]

Can you move "back home"?  If your son has moved on and you are just taking care of you, perhaps moving back to your possible support system would be a good idea while you are still pre-dialysis.  I moved back "home": 12 years ago when I became a widow at age 32.  I am glad I did because raising two children completely on my own and now having ESRD is not something that I would want to do somewhere where I didn't have friends and family to help out if needed.