Meltdown

[MooseMom]

I just completely lost it this weekend.  All of the stress, all of the fear...I couldn't keep it at bay any longer.  This hideous downward spiral into the abyss...I couldn't cope with it.  I couldn't even stay in this house; I went to Walgreen's at 4AM the other night just to escape, but of course, Walgreen's doesn't sell sanity and reprieve.

[Deanne]

I'm sorry! Are you feeling better today? 

[monrein]

I hope that today finds you feeling better MM.  There's nothing easy about all of this that's for sure.   

[MooseMom]

I haven't cried yet today, so perhaps I'm getting better.

[Poppylicious]

Awww, MM.  I may not be the one who's actually having to live with kidney failure, but I do understand the stress and the fear (albeit from a different perspective).

Many *huggles* ...

[KICKSTART]

Its so difficult to face your worst fears . I luckily? didnt get chance , mine all happened in a blur , so i guess i was lucky? i didnt get time to dwell. What wont be helping you is a build up of toxins either , they give you mood swings and the ever faithful depression! You know more than some of whats to come, but sometimes there is a saying that rings true ..Ignorance is Bliss ! Take one day at a time , it didnt happen today , probably wont happen tomorrow .... KS x

[okarol]

I think for most bad situations the anticipation is always worse than what actually happens... well, most times.

I am not facing what you are MM, but I can get really caught up in fear and stress over Jenna's future. I am always reminded to take it one day at a time (my alanon support group is great for stuff like this) and if I can just focus on making today the best it can be, tomorrow will be waiting, no matter what.

Sending you BIG HUGS! 

[Desert Dancer]

Sorry, MooseMom. Thinking of you here. 

[RichardMEL]

Probably better in the end to get it off your chest than bottle it up anyway. As karol says the anticipation of the unknown is often worse than the reality. Yeah, you have us to guide you and express our experiences, but it's just not REAL until you're there yourself - and in the meantime you just don't know what it will be like *for you* - I think we can all relate to that.

I also think you shouldn't try and beat yourself up about it. Sometimes it does get all a bit much and we need to let that out. In a way that could be one of the healthiest things to do.

Hang in there and know that we care about you and send our love and support!

 

[rsudock]

thinking of you....always believing in you

xo
R

[Sunny]

Sometimes we just have to let it all out, whether we like to or not.I hope you're having a better day today. Tomorrow will be even better.

[YLGuy]

Thinking of you. 

[cariad]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear this.

I agree with the others that sometimes a meltdown is exactly the tonic you need. All of our thoughts are with you, MM.

[boswife]

WEll, how did your day go?? Im hoping it brought some peace to you somehow. It's an awful whorlwind this D stuff isnt it  .  Even though im not the one on D,   i am the one who loves my hubby who IS on D and my fears are many. Sometimes i  get so caught up in the 'what if's" that i can nearly go insane with fear..  It's hard  stuff emotionaly and it takes its toll. I do think its wonderful and important that your educating yourself ahead of time, but i worry that your loosing precious time on NON dialysis, worrying about dialysis.  I would hope that you could put some of this knowledge behind you, and get some good 'healthy' living done, and get some mental health to deal with it when/if it does come...  Dont know if im making sence, but i do mean well, soooooooo, with that, im offering you prayers for peace and comfort with it all, and some stress free days to come... Bless ya, you are always so helpful here, I wish you some healing for yourself 

[chook]

I agree so much with Boswife. MM, you always are so supportive of everyone in your posts. I wish that I could write something healing for you. And I agree with karol, the anticipation (for me) ended up worse than the actual, but that doesn't stop the worry and the dread. 

[MooseMom]

It's true, it's true, it's true...I'm ruining my non-dialysis life with thoughts about my upcoming dialysis life.  It's stupid and I know it...I know it, I know it, I know it, and most of the time I have the fear under control, but something will suddenly set me off, and I just fall apart.  It's a seemingly unbreakable pattern.  I just don't know what to do about it other than to recognize it when it is happening and trying to remind myself that once I've exhausted myself, my emotional buoy will be uprighted again until the next meltdown.  I wish I knew how to head it off when I see it coming.  I'll have to work on that.

[Jean]

Understand where you are at MM, remember I am in the same spot. Sometimes the fear just overcomes me too. I hope you are feeling better as the day goes on. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and stay there too. Try to focus on the good things in life, and your Christmas visit from your son and the other good things in your life. We are all here for you.
    

[RichardMEL]

I really tried hard to NOT focus on the future too much when I was back there. I tried to stay as positive as I could and focus on doing stuff I wanted to do (like travel) and try and put that stuff that I don't have much control over, like when the kidneys finally pack it in, to the back of my mind in that it will happen when it happens. Some may say that was a big fat case of denial, but I look at it a different way - In no way did I deny it was there, or that it was coming, but I just tried very hard to focus on doing stuff I wanted to do and could do and enjoy - knowing what was coming was what kept me going to do that stuff. I suppose it's sort of an idea that "what will be, will be."

I suppose I am now in a similar spot but in a different way - my fear now is transplant. I know it is coming in the future. I don't know when, and i don't know what will happen (will it reject? will I have lots of problems? will the meds drive me insane? How long will I be off work? how long till i can do stuff I want like travel? how scary will the restrictions be? What changes do I need to make to my life? How will I cope without having to go to dialysis and having all that time back? how will it feel? What about the actual phone call? How will I react? where will I be? etc etc etc).. these are all concerns of varying degrees that I have, plus many others.. but right now.. I have no control over all of this. i don't know when that call will come.... and post that... the op, what happens with the organ, recovery, meds etc... it's all out of my hands. So, I know it's coming, but I'm trying to not spend a lot of time worrying about that. It will take care of itself in due course.. and whatever's mean to happen will happen......

no hell now I'm freaking out!!! 

[MooseMom]

Jean, I know you are where I am; I think about you a lot.  I know I am not the only one in this position, but believe me, that brings me no comfort.

Richard, I'm not quite where you are, but I do think about transplantation and about the risks associated with the surgery and the meds.  But transplantation is a treatment choice, and it is a damned good one.  If you got the call tomorrow, you could always say no.  I know you are not likely to do that, but the choice is yours.  Transplantation has a completely different psychological timbre.  You posted that you tried very hard to focus on doing stuff you enjoyed...did that ever exhaust you?  I still do things I enjoy, but sometimes keeping myself distracted is just such hard work, and I get tired, and when I get tired, I implode.  Did that ever happen to you?

[cariad]

Some may say that was a big fat case of denial, but I look at it a different way - In no way did I deny it was there, or that it was coming, but I just tried very hard to focus on doing stuff I wanted to do and could do and enjoy - knowing what was coming was what kept me going to do that stuff. I suppose it's sort of an idea that "what will be, will be."

I am exactly the same way, Richard. Well, I indulged myself with a total mental collapse now and again, but I tend to reach this kind of free-floating place where I let it all go and just trust that it will work out. I never really saw myself on dialysis, so I rather had this feeling that it was all going to sort itself out. I moved here thinking: The surgeon is right down in Chicago, Cal surgeons were often delightful but utterly useless for my purposes. The surgeon here trained under my original surgeon, and my case will surely get his attention. It was all so strongly pointing to this course of action that it seemed that nothing in my life would make any sense if it didn't so happen that there was a great, cosmic reason that I needed to be back here.

I have the same attitude toward the financial battles and uphill climbs we've faced, Gwyn and I. I went into a desperate state, was really high strung and miserable for a while, then just one day found that I was certain everything was going to work out from there. (It did, and it seems like it will.) I have talked to people who have lost their jobs and people facing health crises, but I just do not understand the mechanism that triggers it in me. I have said it countless times, but here it comes again: I am an atheist. It is not a religious peace, but a lovely peace just the same.

[RichardMEL]

Richard, I'm not quite where you are, but I do think about transplantation and about the risks associated with the surgery and the meds.  But transplantation is a treatment choice, and it is a damned good one.  If you got the call tomorrow, you could always say no.  I know you are not likely to do that, but the choice is yours.  Transplantation has a completely different psychological timbre.  You posted that you tried very hard to focus on doing stuff you enjoyed...did that ever exhaust you?  I still do things I enjoy, but sometimes keeping myself distracted is just such hard work, and I get tired, and when I get tired, I implode.  Did that ever happen to you?

Can't say it exhausted me - at least not in an emotional or mental way. I was so busy doing what I wanted to do (flying around the world, hanging out with friends, going to concerts etc) that THAT was what was important to me and it helped keep my mind off the medical stuff. That's why I enjoy my job so much - not because it's work so much, but because it's something positive to focus on, and it is social for me (working with mates etc) and it's not just thinking that tomorrow I have to go back and sit on that bloody machine again.
I think maybe because I didn't try to distract myself so much as make the most of where I was at that was the key. It was always in the back of my mind - specially when I'd be planning a trip, and thinking "will I be able to do this one?" and so on, but I didn't really use the "fun" things to distract me - just more a matter of focusing my priorities I guess.

[MooseMom]

I think part of my problem is that I never really got a chance to build a life here in Chicago before I found out how bad my kidneys were.  My husband and I had been married only a few months before I had that fateful drs appt.  I hadn't had the opportunity to get a job, and we had just moved house.  So I never had the chance to make friends and make plans...plant some roots and start a new life.  My "new life" became just one dr appt after another.  I've sorta convinced myself that this place is poisonous.  So many bad things have happened to me since I've been here, and it all gets twisted up into one big ball of anxiety.  I've done some volunteering but had to give it up for a really stupid reason that I won't go into but had to do with my kidneys.  I have several things I'd like to do in the community, but I don't feel well enough to make important commitments.  I think if I had been living in a place that I really considered "home" or "mine", I might be doing better emotionally.  But circumstances seem to have conspired to make me really lonely.  I've become more reclusive than I think is good for me, but right now I don't have the energy to "put myself out there."

[chook]

And that lack of energy IS renal disease. It is pervasive and can drag you down. Glad that you are able to let off steam in your posts and hope it helps somehow. 

[MooseMom]

Actually, yes, it does help.  I'm just not able to contain it all the time.

[KICKSTART]

Hey Moosey , i know exactly what you mean. Im in a similar situation . I was married , had just moved to a beautiful farm , had all my animals and BANG , the day after we moved i ended up in hospital to be told i was starting D. Ok so i was expecting it at some point but then my husband left me (in a very remote area) I didnt know anyone and my nearest neighbour was about 4 miles away. Then he stopped paying the mortgage so i had to get out. I moved back to near my family and i walked away with just a couple of suitcases and my beloved dogs. Ok so i know the area im in but my only company is my mother who lives nearby. So i spend all of my time on my own. Its ok for people to suggest do this , join that, but when you are so drained all the time you CBA. I dont have the energy to go out at night and if i did who with ?  All this plus what you face does put you in the bottom of that black hole and it is hard to climb out. You may feel like a wreck right now but i can see so many good things about you , even though we have never met. You always have a kind word for everyone , me , im not so charitable  . Im sure you will find the strength to get through all this but dont try looking for it , it will just appear when you really need it. I look to the simple pleasures nowadays for if i dwelt on what i used to be able to do i would go crazy.    R.KS.G