Feeling kind of depressed

[Lillupie]

Well
 I am turning 27, I am just sad that the moment, it is just one of those days. I almost hate the fact that i am going on 27. I just feel like i am such a loser. I owe all this money on college loans, and i just feel as though that i cant get a job. I am on dialysis. I am so tired so much of the time. If I am not tired because my hemoglobin is lower then i am tired because my blood pressure is too low. Now the reason is my Kt/v is low.
 I just wish i could live a normal life and be normal. I want to be able to get married and get a normal job and wake up and be able to keep my eyes open! I am just tired of being tired.
 It really makes me feel bad that noone I know whats to get tested to see if they can give me a kidney. I just dont know why it is taking me so long to get a kidney. In a way i just get the feeling that my transplant center does not want to transplant me. I have been on the list for two years now and not one phone call!

Sorry i am just frustrated,

Lisa

[sico]

I can relate to those feelings Lisa. You don't seem like a loser to me.
Don't worry about your age, it's how you feel on the inside that counts.
Some of us just have to take a harder road, but i believe that makes you stronger.
Sending a hug your way 

Chin up

Brad

[looneytunes]

Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry you are feeling low right now.  You can't be a loser when you have the courage to face obstacles like kidney disease and work through it.  Down moments come and go.  You have been such a great support to others on IHD.  I hope things look brighter to you tomorrow.  Hugs to you. 

[billybags]

Oh come here let me give you a good hug you poor thing. I feel for you as I would for my own  daughter. Yes life's thrown you a a short stick, it is not fair, you are only young and you want what every normal young girl wants. It can happen Lillupie you never know what is around that corner. To day you are pis*ed off with life, nothing seems to be going your way, we all get down, we would not be normal if we didn't. The college loans why worry too much about those. You tell your self, life will get better than this, you will be positive. Thinking of you. Lots of hugs and kisses.

[jennyc]

You need a  !

It can take a long time to get a kidney and i'm in the same boat, no-one close to me is healthly enough or compatible to donate one.

You aren't a loser, i've read your posts and you seem really sweet. Like Billybags said, think positive. I get up every day and tell myself to smile, eventually it works.

 

[lizabee]

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down...hopefully things will get better soon!

[Rerun]

You have 2 years behind you on the list.  Just stay as healthy as you can so when the call does come you are ready. 

Hang in there.                 

[Goofy]

You're not a looser.  You may feel that 27 is old but its really not.  You have a lot of years ahead of you that could bring positive things in your life.

As far as the loans go, what can you do about it?  Sounds like nothing right now. You're in a position right now that's it not possible to pay them back but one day you may get a job and then you can start paying.

Its not like you don't want to start paying but your circumstances right now won't allow you.   I know its a heavy weight on your shoulders right now but as I said above, you have a lot of years ahead of you.

Don't give up hope on getting a call for a kidney.  When I first got on the list I thought I'd never in a million years years get a call.  Well, 6 months into it, I got THE call.  I couldn't believe it.  I was shaking and it felt so unreal.  To make a long story short, I was all prepared for surgery and the doctors came in and told me there was a tumor on the donor kidney and they could not use it.  So I had to go home without the transplant.  The funny things is that I was not upset at all.  In fact, I almost felt relieve because I was so scared of the surgery and then all the drugs you have to take after.  My husband was the one who was upset.  My husband even asked about the other kidney and the doctor said it was already tagged for another patient.

The only reason I got called so quickly is because it was a perfect match and it doesn't matter where you are on the list, they call the people with the perfect match first. 

But the good thing about all that was now I REALLY BELIEVE that people do get called!  That gave me hope that I will get called again.

So just hang in there.  Your "match"will come along.  Just keep the faith!

[bette1]

Keep the faith.  You do a lot.  You can also think about getting listed in another state and that will increase your chances to get a transplant.   

[lou]

Hi Lisa,

I really know how you feel. I am 29 and have just started the dreaded d. Also recently having a lot of sad days wishing I was 'normal' again. It just feels like we have so much to worry about does it? especially when friends are getting on with their lives and not having to worry about levels and blood tests and dialysis and always worrying and hoping to get that phonecall! I think its pretty tiring always hoping for the phone to ring too, do you think?

All I can really say is I guess we all have down days but we have to stay positive and you will get that call soon I'm sure. You are young and have been on the list 2 years so I'm sure your time is really soon. Hopefully then you will have some energy and be able to really get on with enjoying life. I'm sure you will have an amazing 30s!!!

Sending you lots of love

Louise xxxxxxxx

[Maker]

Lisa,  to you!  Your posts have really been an encouragement to me and I'm sure many others here, so know that you are doing so many great things with your life that bless others.  I am not even on the transplant list yet, and I know it will be very hard waiting.  But we have to remember that God's timing is always better than our timing.  He knows what we need and will provide at just the right time if we put our trust in Him    You are in my prayers today.

[Bub]

You are not a loser.
1.) You are young.  (Trust me 27 is young).
2.) You are cute as a button.  (No one cute is ever a loser).
3.) You fill in he blank here. (Think of all the good things you have going).

[Poppylicious]

Awww, Lisa.  *hugs*

Stay positive ... you're an amazing young lady with such a passion for getting kidney disease/dialysis into the 'mainstream' and helping others.  Chin up, lass!

*hugs again* (you can never have too many hugs)

[Melissa]

Hi Lisa,
I am so sorry you are feeling depressed.  I know exactly how you feel....the WAIT sucks.  Whether it's two years or ten years it just sucks.  The feeling of being in limbo...
I will tell you though from your first post I thought "this chick has it together"....you are so NOT a loser.
But, aside from the kidney disease, 27 is tough!  I am 39 now and I still remember 27 as a hard year.  I was poor, I was depressed, I had no friends, no boyfriend, my job sucked and I had ugly shoes...the list goes on and on!
But I can tell it got better, and it got much, much better, kidney disease and all!  So, try to enjoy some little things now, have some fun in between all the hard things you do and trust that the universe knows what it is doing with you (I don't know if you buy into that nonsense, but I do!) and I believe you will get the things you want.  Sending a big hug in the meantime!

[MissyKew]

((((((((((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))))))))))

Lisa, are you on Social Security Disability?  If you are you might be able to get your school loans forgiven.  Check your loan forms you signed to see if there is anything about charging them off in instances of diability or call the issuing bank or whoever issued the loans to you.  Way back when I became disabled, (for something other than kidneys), I was able to have the remainder of my school loans forgiven.

By the way, you think turning 27 is old?  Try turning fifty soon...on Thanksgiving Day.  UGH...

[Fluffykiwi]

Hey Lisa,

I know exactly how you feel! I'm in that boat myself right now. Up to my ears in bills, mortgage payments, you name it. To make matters worse, I'm still forced to work fulltime so that I can continue to pay the bills. There's nothing more I wish for than to just stop working, somedays I wish I could just stay home but I know have to carry on for my own sake. I've been waiting over two years now and it sure is the hardest thing in the world, especially when the doctors keep telling you,  you're gonna have a transplant soon!

The worst feeling in the world is being called in for a transplant and then having it all fail on you at the last minute! Chin up, I think there are many of us in the same boat. I'm being forced by my doctors to see a psychiatrist and take anti-depressents!! It sucks big time but just know that you are not alone..

You will be okay, hang in there 

Cheers,
Natalie

[st789]

Can related to it.  The sun will come out after the rain.

Hang in there.  Take care.

[GratefulDad]

   I hear ya!  I've got it going on in spades.  Debt, divorce, a career derailed by the economy and now I've got Lupus Nephritis and staring down having to be on dialysis.  I've had alot of bad things happen to me in succession the last couple of years.  I fight to feel grateful most days and probably win the battle 50% of the time. 
   But in reality things are not as bad as I think they are.  My main focus is to not borrow my perceived pain of the future today and stay in the moment.  If I let myself, my mind will go all sorts of places, like what if I don't build my career back to what it once was, how am I ever going to get into a meaningful relationship being sick and will my kids be OK. 
   The real trick is to stay in the moment, because in the moment I can affect change in my life.  Living in the future always buries me in this negative self talk.  A priest got me started volunteering at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital.  I just love those little guys.  I always feel better after I do it.

[Swee_tone]

GratefulDad really nailed it!



Like others have said in a roundabout way, there will be happy times ahead to look forward too, maybe we can have a deeper appreciation for them than your average person.

Edit: one more thing I was thinking... if you look around, you can see all kinds of unfortunate situations. There are people everywhere fighting battles, and some are much worse off than you. I guess we have to look at what we have rather than focus on what we have-not.


 

[Goofy]

I made this poem up a while back.  I think it says it all!  I have it on a magnet in my cube at work just to remind me...............

There once was a lady with kidney disease
She said to the Lord won't you heal me please

He said that'd be great but this is your fate
So get on with your life before its too late

[billybags]

Goofy why don't you start a new topic for made up rhymes. Lets all have a go.

[Goofy]

OK.  Sound like fun!

[Stoday]

And the more excruciating, the better. How's this for a start:

I'll make up a rhyme
And attend to the meter
And open some wine
Which I'll drink by the litre.

Does that make you feel 

[dwcrawford]

Swee Tone and GratefulDad....
BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVO.

Post all over the place with those positive thoughts.

[Sunny]

When you're feeling depressed
slow down and get some rest
Take an anti-depressant
soon you will be anti-stressing