More recent hospital and just generally depressed

[Falkenbach]

Well, I ended up in hospital again a few weeks ago. I was feeling lousy for about 2 weeks, and finally I rang in sick to work on a Friday. I could not get out of bed. Then I got suddenly very very hot and sweaty (had been freezing/shivering for a few days) and I took my temperature which was 39. This is pretty damn high obviously, so I rang my neph who said to come into Emergency.

To cut a long story short, they knew I had an infection due to a raised CRP, but they could not find what the infection was or where. I spent 4 days in hospital, which isn't a huge deal I suppose, but enough to drive me nuts. The important thing is, I did not lose the kidney. If anything , my creatinine was incredible! It was 89, the best it has ever been. Very strange, as it is usually between 100-120.

This small illness setback may have been the precursor, I think, but I am now deeply in depression. Although I've battled depression for many many years, I am usually pretty good on my medications. But right now, with being unwell and some other things going on in my life, I am so down I am at a loss to know how to deal with it. I do see a psychiatrist regularly, and have done so for about 13 years. Perhaps I will see if I can bring my next appointment forward. But it is the every day dealing with this that I just can't seem to sort out - all the coping mechanisms I've used in the past seem ungraspable (don't know if that is a word).

I just couldn't tell this to my usual group of friends, so needed to rant.

This is a very poor explanation of what I am trying to say, but I'm not exactly articulate right now.

[Romona]

I know how you feel. I am having minor medical issues and it gets to be overwelming at times. When something happens my first thoughts are my kidneys. But my numbers are good. But I am having stomach issues and parathyroid stuff. Then med changes and side effects. I am so thankful for my transplant but this isn't an easy road.

[Loretta]

Kidney disease is depressing.  Talk to your Doctor about using something else as far as drugs are concerned.

[rose1999]

Juts sending you a hug  remember we care about you and we are here to listen whenever you need us.

[billybags]

cycobully, Thinking about you, its crap being in hospital. At times we all get depressed at least you are doing something about it. Soldier on.

[KICKSTART]

Depression is terrible nothing makes it go away (as in treatment) It just seems to come and go. It can take something small to trigger it and something small to make it go , like when you realise something very simple just made you smile.Then the dark cloud seems to lift. I have found that since dialysis i can get depressed , but am never sure why , then something around the corner lifts my mood and i feel strong and positive again. I hope something comes along to lift your mood for you . 

[Rerun]

I'm just glad you are out of the hospital.  I'm sure you are tired of everyone telling you to count your blessings, so I won't go there.  It will take time, but you will pull yourself back on the raft of life and start enjoying life again.

Here is a hug for you.               

[RichardMEL]

cb I am so sorry you are feeling so lousy and depressed about your situation.. the good thing is that you have kept the kidney (btw I wonder if the low creat could have been because you were eating less and exercising less(in bed) and not producing as much toxins?).

My fingers are crossed that the other things that are going on for you can get sorted out in a good way and that you are on the road to better things soon!! 

[willieandwinnie]

  cycobully. I wish I could just hug you right now. Len hasn't felt really well since his transplant and has gone through the depression mode also. I sit and talk with him and let him get if all out, I am sorry you feel like you can't talk to your friends about any of this because I think it would help. We are only a keyboard away when you need us. 

[Falkenbach]

Thank you all so much. Yesterday got bad. I hid in the garage and called a local mental health crisis care line. They were supposed to arrange for one of their teams to call back and come and see me. They didn't. I know this is due to a lack of resources but it doesn't help. I know from previous experience with the various crisis teams that, unless you are about to commit suicide or something, they simply don't attend to you straight away. You virtutally have to be on the edge of a bridge before it's treated as an emergency.

Mark found me in the garage while I was still on phone, was a bit surpised and worried at my state I think. Then I couldn't get off the floor for a long time 'cause it was just too hard. Talking, even a few words, was too much effort. Slept much of the afternoon and, embarrassed to say, used some mild sedation at some point. Called my psychiatrist, knowing I would get a message since it is the weekend, but hoping for some type of emergency contact. The message says they are all away for 2 weeks and the clinic is closed. The emergency contact number given was also unattended and their message did not give another.

I don't know where to turn., what to do. I can't really talk to Mark about this in full, as we've had some issues lately.

[paris]

Oh, dear friend, I so wish I was close by.  I have no magic answer but I would love to sit quietly with you.  It is inexcusable that no one is answering your calls.   You are asking for help and it makes me very worried that no one is reaching out to you.  Please keep coming here, talk to us.   I am glad your kidney is ok, but I am still worried about you.  I am sorry you are having such a bad time.  We love you and value you so much.               

[dwcrawford]

I know nothing about you nor the resources where you are but I sense in your writing the urgency and would urge you to find someone to  help you as soon as possible  --  which in my book means NOW.

Couple of suggestion and then you start exploring option... and talk to Mark anyway... issues or not.

Religious avenues: priest, rabbi, etc.    Your other doctors like Neph and Pmp or internist ... anybody for a referal.  If you can't see your own therapist then find some one for now to help you get stabalized.  Even if you have to pay directly... Money well spent. 

Also, keep writing on here.  As you write things will look more clear to you.  Tell the silly computer what you are feeling and what you need.  Somebody here will read and maybe have some practical suggestions.

Don't mean to preach but I been there and I can imagine how you are feeling.

[petey]

I agree with everything dwcrawford posted above!  Please consider his advice.  We are here.  We are here.  You can talk to us.  Find some help somewhere; find it NOW.  Talk to Mark -- talk to him NOW.

(Note: to DW -- You really have a good soul deep inside that grumpy old body.  God, you are so much more than I ever realized you were.)

[kitkatz]

If nothing else spill your guts to us. We are here to listen.   

[Romona]

  Wish I was closer! You could cry on my shoulder. When I get really down, I read the side effects lists again to remind myself it might not be anything I am doing to make me feel sad and depressed. Prograf can cause abnormal thinking. I know this doesn't help, but we are here.

[monrein]

Louise, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time right now.  I too wish I could come over and just let you talk for as long as you needed.  Please don't give up on the resources.  Worse case, please go to the hospital ER and beg for a referral to a responsive resource. 

In the meantime, use us here.  PM people or post in this thread.  We care very deeply about how you are managing and no matter how alone you FEEL please know that in truth you have many others tramping along beside you.   

[Chris]

Hope you getting to feeling better soon Cycobully, I'm sure you willpull through this rut.

[Romona]

Louise, I hope you update soon. Just thinking about you! 

[RichardMEL]

I think I made poor Louise feel worse - I offered her my phone number if she ever needed to talk! my bad!!! sorry!!!

thinking of you 

[willieandwinnie]

 

[monrein]

Just popping in to say that I hope you're OK Cycobully. 

[billybags]

How are you doing Cycobully, hope you are well.

[willowtreewren]

Oh, CB,
I just found this. Please, please get help NOW. Dan gave some great advice. Bless you Dan.

Talk to us.

[Sunny]

I'm so sorry about the depression. I have my bouts with it too.
Just try to remember, it WILL pass. Hang in there and just get yourself through these few days. Things will get better. Plus your body is still healing from the exhaustive illness that landed you in the hospital. Give yourself time to heal. You can do it. We're here for you so keep posting.

[Falkenbach]

I think I made poor Louise feel worse -

Gosh, that did not make me feel worse - to the contrary, it was very kind.

Thank you all. As I explained to Richard, I have a long history with depression, and I know I can beat it. But when it initially sneaks up on you, no matter how many times you've been through it before, it is overwhelming.

It is not that Mark (my husband) is not supportive - he is. Things have just been a bit rocky lately, and I withdrew.

I'm also very busy with work and so forth right now, so if I don't post here for a few days, do not panic. I am not suicidal or anything like that. Panicked, yes, overwhelmed, yes, but not self-harming.