My turn to rant.......I WANT ME BACK!

[Des]

My turn to rant......

I am feeling completely run down... I just want to crawl into a hole an hibernate or something...

I should be happy that I have a donor (she is doing medical workup/tests at the moment) but I don't want to talk about my disease anymore. I don't want to know about disease. I don't want to have pain. I don't want worry about bloodtests, doc appointments and tests. I WANT ME BACK. I want to be what I used to be. I want to be able to go shopping with my teen daughters without going home after an hour - because I am tired. I want to work in the garden. I want to ride bike. I want to plan a future holiday without worrying if I will be ok to go or not. I want to eat what I like, not because its good for me. I want to swim, play tennis, stay out late, go to the movies without a jacket (for the cold ac), sit by the bonfire, walk 3km in the mountains and just do stuff without thinking/ planning it first. I don't want to feel guilty that I am ranting about this when so many other people are worse off than me. I don't want to worry about my work security.
I just need a "time-out"       

[willowtreewren]

Oh, Des,
I hear you. Even though I'm not the one on dialysis, my husband's condition affects both of us.

Hang in there. I am sending good wishes that your transplant will come through.

 

[Des]

thanks.... I needed that.
 

[kitkatz]

I know how you feel.  This is a hard way to live.  I lean into my friends here when I get down. 

[Des]

That's why I told my IHD people.... no one around me knows half the stuff that I confess to total "strangers" half way around the earth. (not that you are strange hehe)
This is a good place to share your thoughts ...... and not get judged or stoned (in the Biblical sence not stoned...aaah you know what I mean)or something.

[KICKSTART]

Hmm cup half empty or cup half full ?  Some of those things you can still do. I know exactly how you feel , it so frustrating that you have to be sooooooo thankful for a good day , like its a privilege or something . I dont have any words of wisdom except if those days come round , make the most of them  ,thats just what im doing at the moment.

[RichardMEL]

Whoa?!! You have teen daughters??? I was sure you looked about 19... 22 tops!!!! Wow!!!

 

About you wanting your time out... I think we all understand that. The other day I was sitting at dialysis and the nurses were discussing going on holidays. All I could think of is "I want a bloody holiday from this place!" alas not to be.

I think it all gets like that for us. When I start to feel like that I do something for ME like a treat or something like that. Take a day off, have a chocolate sundae (shhhh don't tell!!!  ) or indulge in something just for me.

It's not exactly much respite, but I think it can help a little bit to relieve things if you can put yourself first for a change.

 

[peleroja]

I'm sure about 99% of us can relate.  Just remember, you will always be YOU, just a little bit changed.  Every night as I drift off to sleep (If sleep happens to come, that is!), I think to myself what did I accomplish today.  Sometimes all I did was get up, feed and bathe myself, and that was it.  Other days I washed dishes, did laundry, did grocery shopping, whatever.  I never, ever chastise myself for what I didn't do; I only praise myself for what I did do, however small. 

Feel free to come here and rant any time; we all have at one time or another.  It's especially helpful to me to know that you guys "get it."  Sending you warm fuzzies and good thoughts!

[KICKSTART]

RichardMel put your tongue back in  That is a picture of her daughter !!!

[Lucinda]

RichardMel put your tongue back in  That is a picture of her daughter !!!

[Lucinda]

I think we all know how you feel Des.  As you say there are people worse off but that doesn't really make you feel any better when you are feeling tired, low and sick.  You are allowed to feel sorry a bit sorry for yourself because kidneys do such an enormous job in our bodies that it isn't just about the one organ.  Affects our heart, bones, brain, eyes, skin, hair and the list goes on.  One of my closest friends rants for a day when she breaks a fingernail. All things considered, everyone here battles on extremely well and ranting every now and then is more than acceptable. x

[jbeany]

Yup, that whole positive outlook thing is wonderfully helpful.  It helps you cope, it helps you live longer.  Look on the bright side, some one else is worse, blah, blah, blah. . . . heard it all, haven't you?  Sometimes being chronically ill just totally sucks, and we need to whine about it!  That is precisely what Epoman started this site for.  It's good to be able to come here and admit that you don't want to be "coping really well" with anything.

As a culture, we tend to tell people to "push their limits" all the time.  Push yourself physically, and push yourself emotionally to be a better person, and all that Oprah psychobabble.  Unfortunately for those of us with ESRD, we keep running into our limits and it's not really all it's cracked up to be! 

 

[marti824]

Today, this was a perfect post for me.  I am tired, run down, and totally disgusted.  My son laughs when I sing my "My life sucks" song, but sometimes, it does.  I thank God that I found this site.  There is no one else that understands what I feel, and that can express the words that I have in my head and heart.  You all ROCK!!!!!!!!

[twirl]

may I borrow the words to your song?

[marti824]

you go right ahead.  Only thing is, they won't let me post them here, they're not very nice.

[Goofy]

Des, I can definitely relate to your feelings.  There are just some days where I just want to give up; especially when you have to go from one doctor from another, take medical tests or fill this or that form out.  Heck just making a phone call and having to go through all the prompts can make you just want to hang up and say forget it!

When I get like that, I try (repeat.....I try) to take a step back and take a deep breath.  I know people think to themselves that others have it worse then them,  but you're not them and they are not you.  It doesn't matter if they have it worse then you, you are the one dealing with your problems.

Its only natural to get disgusted and we all have to "rant" every once in a while.  I get angry when people tell me that it can't be that bad of just get over it and move on.  Yeah....you think so....   If it were that easy, don't you think that's what I'd do?

So I let me feel sorry for myself and then I realize I just have to keep moving on!  But actually, I think it makes us more compassionate towards other people.  We can understand when someone else is feeling down.  Just being there to listen to someone can help.  We don't have to point out how "it could be worse", you just have to let them know you understand and will be there for them.

You mentioned that people would be surprised the things you say to strangers but I think we understand a little better all being in the same boat.  That's why this is a great place to "rant".  I think we've all been there!   I hope things are looking up.











































I couldn't even imagine having a chronic disease with younger children.  I disappoint

 

[Goofy]

Oh, by the way, when I start to rant, make sure you remind me to read my own posting!!

[Des]

You ALL are wonderfull !!!!

I was really not sure how many "tomorrow will be a better day" , "keep your chin up" and  "it can't be that bad" s I was gonna get.

But wow ......... thanks for aknowladging (spelling?)  my feelings. It was very supportive and refreshing.

Goofy: Thanks for your lovely reply. Oh yeah .... I will remind you of this post later....   
marti824 : Just rant when you need it ... I will be there for you next time.
 Lucinda, jbeany and  KICKSTART : You are great pals.... thanks for the hugs, love and fuzzy's . I feel   better after reading all the posts.... I will come back and read it when I need it...

RichardMEL : Thanks for your lovely message I will go for a choc milkshake and choc moose cake. So sorry for you that I don't look as lovely as my 17 year old daughter on the pic. ( I used to though   heheheheh)


Thanks ALL again for everything.
 

[RichardMEL]

lol well don't I feel the total idiot??? Still she may be flattered to know I suggested she was 19?!?!!! 



hang in there Des - we all understand in our own way and share your feelings.

Mmmmm choccy milkshake.. YUM!!