I am so PISSED right now!

[Brightsky69]

 

I am so fed up I could break something!!! My BF was so incredible when i was first placed on dialysis. Then he was even more incredible when my PD cath got a tunnel infection and i was put in the hospital for 5 days. He was at the hospital every day. While I was in the hospital he paid off my car loan, paid off my credit card and payed my car insurance for the rest of the year. When I came home from the hospital he waited on me hand and foot. As I started to feel better he still didn't want me doing any house work. He was doing the laundry & cooking. Basically doing the stuff around the house that I would usually do. Well....THE HONEYMOON is over!!
I've been on dialysis almost 2 months. I am at dialysis three nights a week for about 4 hours....the usual. He uses my absence as an excuse to go out and party with his friends. Don't get me wrong....I don't care if he has a guys night whenever. But don't call me while I am hooked up to a machine and complain about how your tired (from partying till the wee hours) and are going to sleep good tonight. Then when I get home at 8:30pm at night from dialysis YOU not be here. Yes!!!!!!!! He is AGAIN out partying with his buddies. So I called him and he says he is out at a chicken wing place having a beer with a buddy from work. Then he proceeds to tell me he is going to be home "early" because he is tired.  WHATEVER! Then he asks me if I want him to bring me something home to eat. Knowing I don't have time to eat dinner because I go to dialysis right after work. I told him "Yeah! That would be great, thank you" I no sooner said that when he says "OH....you might want to go ahead and eat some fish sticks, we just ordered another beer. You might get too hungry to wait for me to get home."
I am sorry but that is "F" up!!!  Before all this....I would get home from work and start cooking a nice meal. SO we could both sit down and eat together when he got home. I think I deserve the same consideration during the week. I have tried to talk to him about this before and laid it all out. This is what I get..... "You just don't like me going out (or having friends). You just want to be around me 24/7, that's cute." 
How could he have started out so supportive and now acts like an a hole. By the way he is soon to be 38 year old.

[Sluff]

I'm sorry you are faced with this situation, unfortunately there are a few members who have dealt with the same problem. I hope this is only temporary and that you can work things out. 

[Romona]

  I hope it gets better!

[Lucinda]

Hi Brightsky.  Read the book, seen the movie!!!  And I am not even on dialysis yet.  Obviously he sees your dialysis as not a big deal.  Same as mine.  I am not one to be able to give you too much advice as I let mine get away with murder but have you asked him to go to one of your dialysis sessions with you so he can see what you do.  Sorry boys but there are some really selfish men out there.  If it was him going through it he would expect you to be waiting on him hand and foot.  It is human nature for people to show consideration and to be forthcoming in the beginning of an illness but as it becomes normality for you, it becomes normality for them as well.  A Counsellor said to me that men have the ability to make a woman their number one priority for a limited period of time.  Women are nurturers and can do it longer, if not forever.  That doesn't make what he is doing OK.  He needs a wake up call.  I hope he gets his act together for Christmas and spends more time with you.  I am sorry you are going through this and sadly I know exactly how you feel.  I hope it gets better for you. xx 

[boxman55]

To much running around and drinking leads to other problems too. It is hard to rein in someone who likes to go out all the time. Has he given you a reason for all this? he already has excuses by being tired all the time. More will come if you don't tell him you don't like it. But then that might not work either. I would  ...Boxman

[monrein]

Sometimes people act like completely inconsiderate idiots when things get tough because they're not fully grown-up (no matter what their chronological age) and they struggle to express feelings of anger, sadness, resentment etc.  Understandable, this illness is a horribly difficult one that never ends despite the periods of respite that a transplant sometimes offers.

That being said, you don't need to settle for for the unacceptable.  Maybe you need to  renegotiate the expectations of your relationship but that could put it at risk and may even end it.  We're all different in what we're prepared to accept from others but if the treatment you're receiving now is such a source of tension and upset, then it's clearly bad for you and your health.  I'd rather be alone than live in misery with someone else but only you can take inventory of the pros and cons of the current situation with your BF.

Sending you a big hug, and hoping that things resolve themselves soon for you.   

[Brightsky69]

Thanks guys....
He has seen me hooked up to the machine. So he knows what it's like for me. I don't know....he knows how I have this rock solid work ethic and I hardly ever complain. So I wonder if he sees this and thinks Oh she is doing OK...she doesn't need anything from me, she can do it on her own. But still...going out everytime I have dialysis is getting old.
He even told his boss one evening that he couldn't stay late because his girlfriend (me) didn't have dialysis and he wanted to get home so he could spend time with me. Which to me sounded like BS. The only time he really straightens up is when/if I get really ill and totally need someone to lead on to get around.

[paris]

I am sorry Brightsky.  This whole process is so hard without our family causing stress.   I have asked before if it is harder when the patient is the women who already takes care of everything:  laundry, cleaning, cooking, appointmenst, shopping, etc.   Women are nuturers and I think families have a hard time when the woman gets sick.   I hope things improve for you.  Lucinda is really the one to talk to right now.  She truly knows what you are going through.    We all care about you and send big hugs and much love.   

[nursewratchet]

I  figured we would hear from Lucinda on this one.  She is probably several steps further down the same road. 
Tell him what you need, what is and isn't acceptable to you.  Tell him to either do it (be with you), or don't do it, but he needs to do it all with your boundaries and needs followed.   

[Stacy Without An E]

First off, this guy is a boy, not a man.  That would explain the selfish behavior.

I know you have a history with him & you're hopeful he'll return to his more caring days, but if this continues I would seriously consider ending it.

I see this all the time from female co-workers and friends.  Even though they're not getting what they want from the relationship, they stay with the bad boy because they think they can change him.  You'll have to make the judgment call on that one.  From what you've written, it seems that all he is doing is adding to your stress level.

[Brightsky69]

Update!!!!! I am pissed again   

I am over it....there are going to be some major changes this year. I told HIM I was having a problem with him going out all the time while I am on dialysis. I told him your almost 40 years old...your not a 21 year old anymore that can party like he has no care in the world. I even called him an alcoholic. He did go onto good behavior. And it lasted for about a week. Until today....CHRISTMAS EVE...I get a phone call.

" Hey...I am over here at the chiefs club grabbing a beer."
I said, "Oh??? I have dinner about ready."
"What are you cooking?"
"I have meatloaf, corn and stuffing."
" Great, save some of that for me, I am not going to be long, I don't want to get all trashed. I'll probably get an appetizer while I am here."

I just had to hang up after that. I didn't even want to get into it on Christmas eve. Didn't want to take the Lords name in vain on this day. But I will say I am over it.
He said he'd be home in an hour. That was about an hour ago. I am done!!

[pelagia]

Pretty big red flag from my perspective.  It's Christmas Eve and you have dinner on the table... 
Sorry BrightSky.  This is not a good night for strife.   

[okarol]

Sorry Brightsky. You should strive for more out of your relationship and it sounds like you are. Life is too short to waste with someone who doesn't have the same values that you do. If he needs to drink so much to have fun then it's not likely to get better. I am sorry. Sending you HUGS! 

[twirl]

sorry
and you should be pissed
sounds like you have a good dinner ready and he is going to eat an appetizer
"save some for me" does that mean you eat alone on Christmas Eve
please consider your options with this unthinking, uncaring person
you deserve better
way better

[monrein]

I agree with the previous posters.  Time to renegotiate the terms of your relationship and not to settle for less than you need or deserve.  Alcohol issues can be awful to live with and only the person themself can do anything about it. 

So sorry you're feeling this way on Christmas Eve.  Make next year different.   

[RichardMEL]

Dear BrightSky... not sure how I missed this thread first time around .. but I'm here now!

It sounds like, in a way, he's running from your dialysis in a way. The way I read what you've written here it's that he goes out and parties while you're on dialysis? Doers he do it other nights too? I can think of a number of reasons from his pserspective that he might see it as OK to do this. Like: She's on dialysis so we can't really spend time together (which is rubbish of course) or.. she doesn't want me around while she does this (again rubbish I'm sure).. but I think it's probably more that it's not something he wants to deal with.. as in dealing with you on dialysis and all that that entails.  So he goes out with his buddies to a) not deal with that directly, b) have a "normal" time with his mates to have a "timeout" - none of which is fair of course but could be some of what is going on with him.

As for his attitude christmas eve - that's just selfish and rude! You have made dinner and it's about out and he's ORDERING AN APPETIZER??? what the..>

 

You didn't say how long you've been together but since you're aparently living together it's clearly been awhile. Clearly he shows concern for you when you're (obviously) more ill, but that's not fair either. I think it's ok to allow him to have a timeout of sorts to spend time with his mates doing whatever... but there's a time and a place and if he's doing it 3, 4 or more times a week that seems excessive.

I'd say you need to sit down with him and explain how his actions make you feel. I wouldn't abuse him or anything or say "YOU do ... " or stuff like that.. more put it in terms of how it makes you feel like "When you're out partying it makes me feel like...." or "I felt put out when I made made US a meal and you were out ordering food at the bar when you knew there was food at home. That makes me feel unapprieciated, and unwanted and [whatever else]"

He may or may not have a problem with alcohol... it does seem that he does have a problem with communication - or rather your relationship is suffering from a communication breakdown of sorts. You both should be getting positive things out of it. Sure, everyone needs their own space - but not at the detriment to the other or the relationship.

good luck with working this out and please let us know how you go


 

[nursewratchet]

I'm a big believer of peoprle will treat us however we allow them to treat us.  You have made your needs known to him, good for you.  If he can't accomodate your needs...               MERRY CHRISTMAS.  The dinner should have been served OVER HIS HEAD!!!





Edited: Fixed smiley error - paris, Moderator

[RichardMEL]

lol nurse wratchet -  you're some kind of awesome.... I bet nobody gets away with anything in your house (or unit??) hehehe

I'm so glad you've joined IHD - I really enjoy your posts!!!

and BS (that's BrightSky!) am hanging out to hear how YOU are doing and how the BF is dealing with things. This time of year is a time to be together and supportive.....

 

[irv31]

Brightsky
 Sounds like your BF is having second thoughts or forgot what a life change your going thru. People act differently under such a huge deal in someones life . I know what your going thru, my wife of 9 years told me she doesn't think she can be on my side as I go thru dialysis. She told me she just cant deal with it. At first she was supportive did and said or the right things,but then when my heath declined she wanted out, I know it hurts. I hope you have other family or Friends you can count on. Irv

[RichardMEL]

It's funny when I hear about partners saying "I can't deal with it" when they're not going through the disease, dialysis and all that. I don't mean to suggest that partners don't have a lot to deal with when their loved ones are in declining health and ability to live normally with energy levels, sickness, time spent on dialysis and all that but gee.. it does make me wonder sometimes... if they think they are having it tough what about the patient??? It sure as hell is no picnic having to deal with all of this stuff ourselves.

I guess it just goes to show how strong a relationship is and the love they have.....

[monrein]

I have to be brutally honest here and say that I don't know if I would have stayed or left if it had been my husband instead of me having this illness.  We were so young and so many of our dreams and plans were destroyed.  I actually encouraged him to go and start a new life, have kids and live his full "real" life.  I'd have liked to be godmother to his children and a friend to his wife.   I think I was most likely thinking about what I would have done had our positions been reversed and I think I might have wanted his blessing so I could leave.  I like to think that I would have not been so selfish but I am not convinced that I would have been the person I want to believe I am.

I feel badly for those who love us and stay, I think they've been robbed too.  On the other hand, I'm glad that there are better people than me in the world and the worst thing is to stay but not want to be there.  We definitely don't need that on top of everything else.

When I'm feeling well I can't even imagine how my pre-dialysis self feels and when I'm ill I can't possibly imagine what good health feels like. 

[RichardMEL]

I have to be brutally honest here and say that I don't know if I would have stayed or left if it had been my husband instead of me having this illness.  We were so young and so many of our dreams and plans were destroyed.  I actually encouraged him to go and start a new life, have kids and live his full "real" life.  I'd have liked to be godmother to his children and a friend to his wife.   I think I was most likely thinking about what I would have done had our positions been reversed and I think I might have wanted his blessing so I could leave.  I like to think that I would have not been so selfish but I am not convinced that I would have been the person I want to believe I am.

What this tells me is that you love your husband more than anything and it is an unconditional love. His happiness and wellbeing is more important to you than your own. That's why you would have wished him well and wanted him to live HIS life fully. That's my definition of love also. I've felt that a few times about people in my life and indeed gave up on a relationship because I knew I could not give the person I loved what she wanted and needed most in life and I so wanted her to have that... and this year she now has what she wanted so much (married, and her first baby).

It is a beautiful thing to love in that way. Well to me anyway.

[nursewratchet]

Brightsky
 Sounds like your BF is having second thoughts or forgot what a life change your going thru. People act differently under such a huge deal in someones life . I know what your going thru, my wife of 9 years told me she doesn't think she can be on my side as I go thru dialysis. She told me she just cant deal with it. At first she was supportive did and said or the right things,but then when my heath declined she wanted out, I know it hurts. I hope you have other family or Friends you can count on. Irv
[/quote People who "can't deal with it", are assuming that they will have a perfectly healthly life, and need no help or support.  That's not life.  They too will be alone with an illness someday.  I don't have ESRD, but I have a chronic heart thing, and my husband has a dibiltating back problem.  It really is always something, for all of us.  It's life, and you stick it out.  If you don't have a good partner, better to be alone and take care of yourself, than to have them there not helping.   

[Sunny]

I've loved my husband for 28 years. Sometimes I feel so badly for him having to deal with me and this kidney disease. It's definitely not what he signed up for. I too have given him many opportunities to leave so he can find a "normal" spouse and lead a "normal" life. The two of us have a lot of history together prior to my getting kidney disease and that may be what helps us. For those of you whose loved one knew about your kidney disease from the start, I think your in a different situation. It would take a very strong and selfless person to continue in a relationship anyway, knowing you have kidney disease. Maybe some sort of counseling for the two of you would help. Good luck.

[kitkatz]

Are things going better now with the BF?