-=- THE OFFICIAL I HATE DIALYSIS.COM JOKE THREAD -=- (Bold type please!)

[Epoman]

Ok lets have some fun, post your jokes here. These are the rules:

• Do NOT REPLY here unless you have a joke to tell. You can leave comments about other jokes but tell us a joke too.
• No dialysis jokes what-so-ever. Let's get our mind OFF dialysis.
• Only post 1 joke per reply. If you have more than one make a new post.
• Try to keep it semi-clean, dirty jokes are ok, but try to use your good judgement.
• Try to stick with "story" jokes, but one liners are accepted.
• Make your joke(s) in all BOLD.

[/b]
 
- Epoman

[Epoman]

One day Jesus, Moses, and some old guy were playing golf. Jesus teed off and it landed in the water, so he walked on the water to retrieve the ball. Moses was next, he hit the ball into the water so he parted the water and got his ball. Then the old man teed off it was heading for the water too when a fish jumped out of the water and swallowed the ball. But before the fish returned to the water, a bird grabbed the fish flew over the green and the fish dropped the ball into the cup for a hole in one. Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your father."

 

[Epoman]

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definately blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definately Shit my pants!"

 

[Epoman]

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

 

[goofynina]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady
swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
 
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
 
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to
drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
 
"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"
 

[goofynina]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a
steady forty miles per hour, the wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in
a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead
but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and
talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair
with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering
wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
" And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the
credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive
concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her:
"Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled
voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the
wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

[Epoman]

goofynina, I edited your posts to make them BOLD, I added the rule after you posted. 

I added this rule so members could reply and we can distinguish the jokes (in bold) from the comments/replies.

-Epoman

[goofynina]

PONDERISM

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?   They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[goofynina]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees a big bad
wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and
this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood
sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you
 knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

[Epoman]

goofynina, if your going to cut and paste from your emails at least take out the arrows ">"  please edit your posts, and take out the line breaks. 

- Epoman

[goofynina]

TSK, MAAAAAAAN, I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I???  lol,  yes boss.......

[goofynina]

The Ranch Hand
 A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
 She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
 but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
 newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the
 other a drunk.
 She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
 applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
 him around the house than the drunk.
 He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
 every day and knew a lot about ranching.
 For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day,  the rancher's widow
 said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks
 great.
 You should go into town an kick up your heels."
 The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
 One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
 hired hand.
 He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
 found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
 waiting for him. 
 She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and
 take it off," she said. 
 Trembling, he did as she directed.
 "Now take off my boots."
  He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
 "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
 by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
 watching her eyes in the fire light.
 "Now take off my bra." Again, with
 trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
 "Now,"she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly
 pulled  them down and off.
 Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
 town again, you're fired."

[Epoman]

TSK, MAAAAAAAN, I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I???  lol,  yes boss.......

Ok,well what about the 2 posts above this? Can you edit those please.

- Epoman

[goofynina]

All taken care of El Capitan!!!   Great idea of a thread btw.....

[Epoman]

All taken care of El Capitan!!!   Great idea of a thread btw.....

Yeah but where is everyone else?

[Hawkeye]

All taken care of El Capitan!!!   Great idea of a thread btw.....

Yeah but where is everyone else?

I'm trying to think of some clean ones I can post, or at least how to clean up some of the dirty ones.

[Epoman]

All taken care of El Capitan!!!   Great idea of a thread btw.....

Yeah but where is everyone else?

I'm trying to think of some clean ones I can post, or at least how to clean up some of the dirty ones.

You can post "dirty" ones just not XXX ones. 

[goofynina]

oooh, Hawkeye,  you can send me the dirty ones, lol,   me loves a good dirty joke now and then,  especially NOW,  lol

[hyperlite]

   A missionary is sent into the deepest, darkest part of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and preaching to them about the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin:Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here, a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even a blind man could see what's been going on!"

The missionary replies, "No, no. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See the flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them, one of them is black. Nature does this on occasion."

"Tell you what," the chief says, "You never mention the sheep again, and I won't say anything about the baby."

[kitkatz]

oh geez!

[Epoman]

   A missionary is sent into the deepest, darkest part of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and preaching to them about the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin:Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here, a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even a blind man could see what's been going on!"

The missionary replies, "No, no. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See the flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them, one of them is black. Nature does this on occasion."

"Tell you what," the chief says, "You never mention the sheep again, and I won't say anything about the baby."

 

[willieandwinnie]

GOOD-BYE

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

            "God bless Mommy,
             God bless Daddy,
             God bless Grandma
         and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.  A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

                "God bless Mommy,
                 God Bless Daddy
              and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

                 "God bless Mommy
                and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said  "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said  "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said  "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch." 

Added BOLD - Epoman

[willieandwinnie]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?"
 
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Added BOLD - Epoman

[willieandwinnie]

WHAT HAPPENS IN MEXICO - STAYS IN MEXICO

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.  The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the  behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."  They throw the  switch and again, nothing happens.  Again, they all immediately  prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. 

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Added BOLD - Epoman

[Hawkeye]

OK then here is one that's not too bad.


There are 3 guys living in a house and one night the house burns down.  They have no place else to stay so they go a neighbors house to see if they have a room they can use until they can find someplace new to stay.  The lady that lives there says she has a room they can use but whatever they do DON'T GO IN THE BASEMENT.

Well this of course peeks their curiosity so after a few nights they decide to sneak downstairs after she goes to bed and find out what the big deal is.  Once they are sure she has gone to bed they sneak down the the basement, turn on the light and to their horrifying surprise see the walls are covered in human penises.

It's at this time that they hear the door close and lock behind them and the lady of the house is standing there.  She says "Now that you know my secret I have to add your penises to my collection".  She goes to the first guy and asks him what his dad does for a living, and he replies that he is a carpenter so she takes a plane shaves his penis off. 

She goes to the second guy to ask him what his dad does for a living but by this time he is rolling around on the ground laughing his ass off. So she skips him and goes to the third guy.

She asks the third guy what his dad does for a living and he says that he is a lumberjack, so as you can probably guess she takes and axe and lops his penis off and adds it to the wall.

She then comes back to the second guy who has stopped laughing and she asks him what's so funny about having his penis removed and he replies "My dad is a lollipop maker, guess your gonna have to lick mine off".