Why do I sabatoge myself?

[Ohio Buckeye]

You've taken the first step, seeing and admitting that you have a problem.
That is a huge step.
I'm glad to see that you are going to try to make some changes.
I hope you can get some counseling.
Sometimes when I feel down I try to focus on what I have, not what I don't have
and what I can do instead of what I can't do. That seems to help.
You are so fortunate that you have a husband who loves and cares for you.
You are important to your husband and family, friends and to all of us here at IHD.
Are you seeeing a doctor about the toe ulcer?  I hope so.
I will be praying for you that God will be your strength and help you through this.
He sure helps me.
Keep us posted on your progress and come here to rant, cry, report good news or whatever.
We care about you. 



 

[ILOVEFLUID]

Well today was a start but not as successful as I had hoped.  My poor dog has chronic ear infections and was up all night crying so I was up with him all night.  I had to get him to the vet with my mother first thing in the morning.  So I ate a healthy breakfast and went to sleep for the rest of the day.  I then went to the chiropodist to have my foot ulcer looked at.  And then dialysis.  We had a huge snowstorm and got over a foot of snow tonight so I had quite the drive home (normally 45 minutes).  But I did talk to the dietitian today at dialysis and we are working on the 5 meal a day diet plan taking my diabetes and renal diet restrictions into consideration.  I did eat veggies as a snack instead of potato chips.  And I had dinner from the salad bar at the cafeteria.  One step at a time.  I think one of my biggest steps right now is wrapping my head around all the changes i need to make.  I need to make the changes slowly but surely so I don't end up getting too overwhelmed again. 
Once again Thanks for everyones encouragement.

[paris]

One thing that has helped me was a tip from a counselor I was seeing.  She said instead of making a list of things I had to do or change, make a list of what I have done that day.  I was feeling useless and not keeping up with everyday life.  So, I made a list :   1-got out of bed    2-ate a bowl of oatmeal  3-made my bed  4-did dishes and so on.  Some days that was all that was on my list, but other days the list included walking, meeting friends, and then I included my food and drink intake.    I felt like I had written proof of what positive things I had accomplished that day.    It helped slowly to change my attitude and my habits.    Everything will always be a challenge, but we need little tricks to help us feel better about ourselves.  You are off to a good start.  Get through tomorrow and let us know how you are doing.

[Gramapat]

One step at a time.  I think one of my biggest steps right now is wrapping my head around all the changes i need to make.  I need to make the changes slowly but surely so I don't end up getting too overwhelmed again. 
Once again Thanks for everyones encouragement.

Try not to wrap your head around "all the changes".  Just wrap your head around the change you are making today or it may become too overwhelming again.  Reaching out for help is a big step. I am so happy you did!

[Ken Shelmerdine]

You have shown that you have the strength to overcome this by very bravely accepting what you have done and posting in such detail to IHD. I think the fundamental problem is depression and first and foremost you need to get this addressed by some effective anti depressant medication,and, make sure you take it. I think that will be the key to giving you a new start. Best of luck.

[Sunny]

ILOVEFLUID
I hope things are going well with you.No sabotaging allowed.

[monrein]

I just found this thread and wanted to add my voice to the other people here who are pulling for you ILF.  I thought your original post was courageously honest and very self-aware.  Many of us justify our self-sabotaging ways and keep our heads deep in denial because it's so very much easier in some ways. 

Quitting smoking is a huge huge step forward.  I agree with others about taking baby steps towards caring for yourself until it becomes your routine and feels like the norm.  The body maintenance and keeping up with everything required by ESRD (plus you have the diabetes thrown in as well) is a real burden but we are worth it in the end.  I'm glad you're taking better care and know that we care too.

[meadowlandsnj]

This is a subject that I have been fighting with myself for a long time.  I cannot find the answer and I fear if I do not change my life I will end up slowly killing myself.  I feel I used to sabotage myself on purpose because I wanted to live as long as my parents and only that long. 

I just read your post and I admire your honesty.  All we can do is try.  We're not super humans or machines.  We all make mistakes or like Stauffenberg said in his post it's not really our fault all the time.  When I lost my kidney they thought it was from diabetes BUT it was found out I lost it because of the anti-rejections meds!!  And people I knew somehow thought it was my fault I lost the kidney.  But thank you for being so honest.  I learn from everyone on this forum.  I don't get to come here as often as I'd like to but when I do I really like readng everyones advice and posts.

Donna