Dialysis Speech

[kitkatz]

I am going to give a humorous speech about dialysis to Toastmasters. It is tentatively called the ABCs of Dilaysis. Here are my ABCs I have come up with.

a- attitude  Got to have one.
B- Bloodwork  Everyone and God's brother wants to know it.
c- Cramping- A dialysis cramp will make you cry
d- diet. Everyone is going to tell you something new and different.
e- education- fnd out all you can about the disease and treatment. There are surprises around every corner.
f- fatigue.  I'm tired already. Can I quit?
G- great numbers. The medical profession wants to know your numbers, right now. spit them out.
h- hemo dialysis, Blood sucking so you can live.
i- I hate dialysis.com support group on line. Best place ever.
j- jerks, some medical professionals can be jerks
k- kidneys. Can I have yours?
l- lowfat- Is this all I can have?
m- mental- I am going to go mental after eight years on dialysis.
n- Nurses- The I am number one staff members.
0- Options -Pd? NX stage? Hemo? Nocturnal?  Which one?
p-Phosphorous/potassium- too high I'm dead. too low I'm dead.
q- Quitting No quitting allowed.
R- Rants- I get so tired I have to have a rant.
s- sureseals the bandaids of choice.
t- treatments- 3 days a week for four hours each time
u- Ugly arms- accessa rms can be ugly
v- vegetables and fruit- don't eat that one too high in something.
w- whole wheat and white bread. Eat the white bread it is better for you.
x- X-rays- just to ake apeak inside.
y- yelling- what you get when you are not on target with the bloodwork or diet.
z- zemplar- vitamin D


There it is.  Help. I need funny things to put into this alphabet.

[thegrammalady]

             

[bolta72]

That was great !

[paddbear0000]

I'm not even on dialysis yet and I was ROTFL!         I stink at writing anything funny, so you are my hero! 

[Bajanne]

I think you have done an excellent job with that ABC.   How could we add to a work like that??

[glitter]

it is funny to me- but i do have a small question....do the toastmasters know enough about dialysis to understand WHY all this is funny?

[George Jung]

A - Anemic - I thought my innerself may have been trying to revisit a youthfull time until I learned that isn't so.

E - Epogen - You take shots of Vodka and Baileys to feel good, I take shots of epogen and chase it with a cream pie to feel good.


I like your idea but glitter has a point.  Who are these Toastmasters?

[goofynina]

  AWESOME Kit, your wit ceases to amaze me girlfriend 

[Amanda From OZ]

That was great Kit.

You always seem to come up with something clever. 

[Zach]

  Who are these Toastmasters?

Just a bunch of folks who get together and pass around toasted rye bread with jelly.
 

[kitkatz]

  Who are these Toastmasters?

Just a bunch of folks who get together and pass around toasted rye bread with jelly.
 

It is an organization of dedicated to making you a better speaker.  I am in charge of the speakers contest in September for our club and had better have a speech ready.

Here is a start to my speech:
I have to have an Attitude right at the start
Before I go in to sit in my
official Chair and run for four hours of
Dialysis.
I am Eager to be gone after the hours I am stuck there.
I Feel fatigued before I go, after I go and while I am still there.
I need to make those great numbers on blood work to make everyone happy with me as a patient.
Hemodialysis does one thing...it sucks... the blood out of me so it can be cleaned.
IHD.com is te best place on the net for dialysis information. I have friends there who understand.
June, July and August may be off months from school, but not from dialysis three times a week for four hours a run.


Thus far I have thought of.

[KT0930]

Because of all this, Kidneys are constantly on my mind...

[goofynina]

Sounds good to me Kit, I am sure they will love the humor you have in such a serious subject.  Let us know how it all goes 

[Sluff]

Sounds great kitkatz. 

[kitkatz]

Speech continued.

Kidneys are all I think about sometimes. Can I have yours?
I only want the Left one.
To be a part of the medical establishment every other day is a crazy way to live a life.
The nurses tell me
The options are many, the decisions are few.
PD, hemo, Nx stage all ways to do dialysis. Which will I choose? I am on hemodialysis.
Not by choice, by necessity.
Me quit? Too hard to quit.
I rant and rave over this rotten disease every day.
Surgery looms in the future.
Transplant they say- get on the list! I wish I could. Hey Sis keep that kidney hydrated for me.
Unless they tell me different I hope it comes soon.
I have an ugly dialysis arm now and it has a thrill.
I have become a veritable expert on dialysis after eight and a half years
I would love to win the battle and give it all up for the transplant.
X- rays and bloodwork are in my future regardless of what happens.
The entire dialysis patient world would yell today: Be an organ donor now!
Oh wait a minute. I am allergic to Zemplar. Don't give me that. Read the chart.
Wait a minute. No don't stick me there.
Where is my blanket?
Well back to dialysis.

[kitkatz]

Maybe I should write the speech "Don't stick me There!"