the dialysis blues

[skinnacat]

well i am finally starting the actual dialysis this week and oh man i am so depressed about it.
i just feel so cheated in this whole deal...i am pretty young and it just all seems so unfair.
it pisses me off to think i have battled this disease for 20 years...almost my entire adult life.
and here i am stuck in this mess...something else i have noticed people seem to forget u when they find
out your really sick...god even my sister hardley talks to me...it might be cuz our mom just passed away
not even 2 years ago...but still...i am her only sister...i just feel so sad and lonely 

[Michael Murphy]

I know things seem bleak but hang on.  The most amazing thing I have found in dialysis is the Brotherhood and Sisterhood of my fellow patients.  I know Dialysis is a life changer, but its a shared experience of 400000 people.  If I could I would avoid the Big D if I could.  But all in all I think you will find that you are joining a new family.  People who share this fate with you are a caring bunch.  Go to Dialysis with a open mind meet your fellow patients in the waiting room tell them how you feel and you will be surprised how much support you get.  the reaction of your sister is not about you its about her inability to come to terms with you as a adult.  The other thing is almost every center has a support group that meets on a regular basis,  its a place to hear others tell how they are dealing with this condition.  You are not alone in this and you will find others who have been there done that even got the Tee shirt.  These are the people who you will meet.  I hope you feel better there is no worst feeling I know off the the fear of starting Dialysis. Personally I liken it to going to your first day of Kindergarten when I was 5.  I won't tell you its easy and I won't tell you its not life changing.  But I will tell you the fears I felt before I started were much worse then the actual first treatment.  I would suggest that you arrange a tour of the center prior to starting so you know what you are really facing.  I did not do this and I would have had a easier time if I had.

[kitkatz]

Remember we are here for you. If you need advice, or encouragement.  The first few times can be scary and lonely.  You are not alone.

[kristina]

Hello skinnacat,
I am very sorry for the emotions you go through because of the “dialysis-blues” ...
I am in a similar situation right now and I am also struggling emotionally to come to terms with my situation.

For over 43 years I have tried every possible trick to “hang on” and keep my kidneys functioning
with all the latest medical findings in diets and fluid-intake... 
... and right now I am already mourning about losing my pre-dialysis existence,
because my medical situation is going to change soon ...
... but I am also very exhausted from all my efforts...

... The nephrologist has prescribed me a diuretic as a last try, but there is not much hope,
that it can help a lot to get rid of my current water-retention...

... I don’t know when I shall start dialysis, but there is no doubt that it will be very soon, unless another miracle happens...

... Please don’t be too upset with your sister. She might feel very helpless about your medical situation right now
and as a result she might try to avoid you in order to avoid speaking about the new situation ... 
... she might try to find ways how to approach this situation and how to go about to help you ...

...You are not alone in what you go through and you are always welcome to ask any questions on IHD
... and there is always someone who can assist to find the answer...

I keep my fingers crossed for you and I do hope, that everything goes well for you
and I send you my best wishes,

Kristina.

[cdwbrooklyn]

Good Day Skinnacat,

Your feelings are normal.  Almost everyone who had to start D had the same fears and feelings as you.  Yes, life is not fair all the time but you must do what you can do to make it worth living.  D is not as bad as most people put it.  You can live a healthy long life on D if you take care of yourself and keep a positive attitude.  At first it will seem hard because it’s a change happening in your life.  However, you will adjust to it and things will start to become very easy.  IHD is a good place to talk about your feelings as many of us patients been there and done that.  We made it through the hump which you will do as well.  Maybe you will get a kidney sooner than most you never know.   Anyhoo, take it one day and one step at a time and you will see how it will become very easy like a daily routine. 

I’ve been on D for almost 15 years and yes I do have my down days but most of all I have very good days and glad I am able to live a good life as a D patient.  It gets hard sometimes but God is my anchor and when I just can’t do it no more, I call out to Him.  Also, what helps is staying around positive people who are always happy to see you no matter how you are feeling and watch shows that make you laugh.  Listen to music that makes you happy and most of all treat yourself time and time so you know that you are still standing strong no matter what life gives you. 

I hope this helps you to move forward with peace and confidence knowing that you will make it work that best way you know how.

Stay strong because IHD have your back. 

[jeannea]

Dreading the start of dialysis is actually a little worse than the actual dialysis. You have so many fears and unknowns. I was diagnosed at age 22, had a transplant at 28, and began dialysis at 39. I know what it feels like to lose your adult life to this disease. The best thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you can adjust and get into a routine. You can do it.

I don't know if your center will have a support group. Mine did not. I do have a wonderful therapist. Try to find something simple that helps to make you calm and relaxed and go to that when things get tough. And come here.

[kristina]

Thank you cdwbrooklyn and jeannea for your constructive thoughts...
It is very much appreciated and I send you both my kind regards,
Kristina.

[skinnacat]

wow...thanks for all the helpful and encouraging responses...that makes all the difference in the world to me.
well its official i got my fluid put in my tummy this afternoon...doesnt feel as bad as i thought it would...i was so worried
i would have this huge stomach...but i can hardley even tell its in there...so that is a relief to me
oh and i am starting pd dialysis  and will have to do 4 manual exchanges daily until my night time machine gets here
so again thanks so very much for all the great responses...i love this site and you are all very helpful