What's Wrong with Me? :(

[MaryD]

I made it through the whole post, Geoff.  All I can say to you and Lexxtech is hang in there        There will be good times again.

[Lexxtech18]

Wow, Geoff!! You have been through the ringer, hon!  Thank you for sharing your story and venting it out, I'm glad it made you feel better. That's very brave of you!

I am doing a little better since the incident the other night. I've come to the conclusion that I think I had seasonal affective disorder... (as my mom would say, "There you go diagnosing yourself again!" ) lol But really, in the spring/summer time I'm crazy outgoing, fun, funny, loving life! But in the winter, especially when there's a foot of snow outside all I want to do is sleep!

[jbeany]

Geoff, I read it all too!  I'm 42, and have been having health issues since about 26, so I'm in the same boat.  I've got my transplant right now, but it doesn't erase the past, does it?

Lexx, get one of those SAD lights.  For heaven's sake, we're in Michigan - we need all the daylight we can get!  And take some Vit D, because there's no doubt you need it, just like the rest of us here in the gloom and snow.

[Lexxtech18]

jbeany... a co worker was telling me about those SAD lights and light therapy. I'm really interested in it! And can we D patients take Vitamin D supplements? I'm always so cautious on vitamins, I never know what is going to harm me more than help me. lol

[geoffcamp]

Those lights sound cool!!  I live in florida. South florida so no season change low temps of 70 degrees and usually sunny and HOT!!  So I'm probably just crazy LOL because there is no lack of sun here!!!  But things have gotten better with family in last 2 years now that they have seen all I have been thru. They even helped me get my own little condo in a great area close to my parents and my sister is usually too busy with her "perfect" life to bother me and I love seeing my niece and nephew so it's a strained relationship but I try. My dad still thinks its no big deal!  I should get him to go to dialysis with me for a week. He could not stand to be forced to sit there for the amount of time I have to. It might be a good idea to show him what really goes on. None of my family members has ever been to a treatment with me in all these years. The big turn around has been my mom. Her personality is more like mine and she had helped me A LOT over last 2-3 years. Fighting my dad on helping to support me. BTW not bragging because its not me but my family is VERY well off. If they wanted they could be a lot more help. But helping me but this condo just under a year ago was the nicest thing ever!!  My dad is just a negative person and being stuck in the same house with him was depressing and made me feel terrible. He does always make sure to rub it in that I couldn't have done anything without his help and I guess he is right but it still makes me feel like crap. I certainly never intended on needing assistance at my age and with how well the rest of my family does!!  But I contribute every penny I have to help my biggest worry is what happens as I get older and loose any ability to work or find a good job even if I get a transplant it weighs on my mind everyday. Feel like a huge burden to my parents and they aren't shy about still letting me know if it were not for them I'd be a homeless bum or dead by now. Such wonderful thoughts that make me feel like a horrible son for getting a chronic illness. Sometimes I feel like weight of the world is on my shoulders. But thinking involving dad in how things really are for the less fortunate might open his eyes but I doubt it. It could backfire too. With him it's always a carp shoot moods change from second to second!!  But mom has been my champion lately even tough she still has her times where she doesn't get it and can be Insensitive. But I have no other options. I simply can not afford to live on just over $1,200 a month that social security provides. And my credit is perfect except for medical collections bills which make finances a nightmare. It's is comforting to know others have same issues but still so hard for my ego and feelings just like it is on the people here. It was great to talk about it and its been helpful to share and see others in same boat!!  G.

[Lexxtech18]

Geoff, did they ever figure out why your kidneys failed?

And $1,200/mnth for SS?  It's only like $600 here in MI.

[jeannea]

Social Security disability payments are not based on where you live. There is a formula that uses how long you paid into the system and how much you earned. Every year you work you get a letter saying what you would get if you retired or became disabled. My disability amount slowly increased as I worked 15 years and I paid more into the system.

[Lexxtech18]

So, what if you're an 18 year old who's never really worked, has ESRD and is on SSI? Does that mean you start at the lowest paying bracket? Because back when I was on disability (SSI, I don't think it's the same thing) I got $600. But I was also working so for every $2 I made at work, they took $1 of my SSI payments. I couldn't work over a certain amount per month.

[geoffcamp]

OUCH!!  How can anyone possibly be expected to live on $600 a month?!  I have also been told there is a formula regarding how much SSDI money you recieve. Same as the other post I was told it depended on how long you have worked and "paid into the system". Never had it full explained but that is what I have heard too. For you that really stinks being so young therefore you have not been working long to "pay into the system". It is a struggle that is for sure!! So did I read right they are making you pay it back when you do work?  Or is it the same as any other person it comes out of each pay check at a normal rate??  I was confused by that!  How can you possibly pay MORE!! Craziness!  Mine just went up a little starting with the new year. I think it's a cost of living adjustment!  LOL. Cost of living PKEASE!  Better adjust it so I can afford gas, food and bills!! 

  As for your question I was told my kidneys failed most likely to uncontrolled high blood pressure. But by the time I found out I was in full renal failure I had no private insurance and they didn't think it was worth it to do a biopsy. High blood pressure runs in my family but researched family tree and no instances of kidney failure or disease. Came out of nowhere. Scary!!  I have never had any other issues no diabetes no heart problems ( other than high blood pressure). Have had 2 broken bones but other than that I'm 100% heathy!!  I've always been in shape. I was a gym rat when I was young and I'm still at my ideal chart weight. I didn't go crazy with drugs or alcohol yea I smoked a little weed when I was young and drank too much in my life a few times but never addicted and never a heavy user really not even a light user. Even now I'll have a beer or glass of wine maybe a few times a year.  So it's very strange. I have thought a lot about it and one of the things I came up with is maybe it has to do with all the fast food (not just restaurants) and preservatives that became increasing used in food I've consumed. I was born in 1969 and there has been a lot of chemistry used in foods since I was born. Just a thought. Since it happened to me I warn all the young people I meet and friends to use their health insurance if they have it thru work. I did at my job but got so sick I quit before I went to see a doctor and didn't have the money at that time to keep it with COBRA. So all that being said its still a bit of a mistery, only thing I know for sure is they don't work!!!

[Riki]

My cost of living increase for last year (never checked for one this year) was $25.52 per month.  That put me up to a total of $569.74 per month.  I am one of those young ones too.  I'm on Canada Pension Disability.  For that, you must pay in for at least 6 years before you get anything.  If I didn't have that, I'd be screwed.  There's nothing else except for Social Assistance through the province, and they'll go through anything and everything to deny you.

[geoffcamp]

Geez I should feel very lucky!!

[lmunchkin]

I believe it is figured by how many years you worked and contributed (forced by the way) to pay into social security.  Ive put 40yrs in myself & hubby 47yrs.  I believe he gets the max amt.  He certainly has worked for it.  I believe it is unfair to the younger kids such as yourself, Lex.  You got sick before you were able to go into the workforce.  You should be able to draw off your parents contributions though.  They paid in to it, when they pass away,you should inherit their contribution, but SSI is a federal mandate.  They decide who gets what.  Unfortunately, it is against what you or your parents want for you.  At least theyre giving you "something", but it really is nothing but grocery money.

It is so unfortunate to see so many younger people getting this junk.  I mean your life is just beginning.  You are such a lovely young lady.  Im sorry you have to go through this. 

By the way, I don't have ESRD but have had UTI, and it is no picnic for sure.  I can't imagine having a chronic disease with UTI.  Must be hellish.

Keep hanging on there Lex.  Your parents wonder all the time, Im sure, about you and your future.  I promise you that!!! We parents have a hard time grasping the situation as it is such an injustice.  Just keep your good attitude & sweet disposition, and all will be better.

God Bless,
lmunchkin

[Lexxtech18]

Thank you, munchkin.  It would be nice if things worked that way, in a perfect world, maybe. But I have been working and paying into SS for a few good years now, so maybe if (heaven forbid) I lost my job, I could draw a little more SSI if given the chance. I'm not going to worry about it much right now, I have enough on my mind as is. Last night my back started to hurt and I didn't think much of it, but I woke up for D this morning and could barely move. Severe pain in my lower back shooting down my hip, bottom, and leg. I can barely walk straight. I went to the walk-in clinic in town and they gave me Flexerol, but I can't take it while at work. So here I sit in excrutiating pain, probably sciatica or a slipped disk, I'm not sure. *sigh* Just trying to make it through the night. I have tomorrow off, so I can hopefully get some rest if I don't end up in ER first.

[natnnnat]

Oh god.  I had three slipped disks 'once', it kept me on my back on the couch downstairs for three months.  I avoided surgery by getting exercises from the physio.  These days I maintain my spine with walking and gym.  Spinal injuries are NO JOKE.  If you think you have sciatica, don't put the issue off waiting for it to get better on its own, like i did.  If you can't afford to see a physio, I'll describe the excercises I did.
BIG BIG sympathy coming your way Lexxy.
PS thank goodness for our Australian social welfare system which is the same level (about USD1800 a month, I believe) for disability support regardless of who you are.  Possibly the cost of living is higher, I know that rent is outrageous in Sydney, and I hear food and petrol (what you call 'gas') is cheap in the US.  (Gas!  Hee hee!)

[Lexxtech18]

Oh god.  I had three slipped disks 'once', it kept me on my back on the couch downstairs for three months.  I avoided surgery by getting exercises from the physio.  These days I maintain my spine with walking and gym.  Spinal injuries are NO JOKE.  If you think you have sciatica, don't put the issue off waiting for it to get better on its own, like i did.  If you can't afford to see a physio, I'll describe the excercises I did.
BIG BIG sympathy coming your way Lexxy.
PS thank goodness for our Australian social welfare system which is the same level (about USD1800 a month, I believe) for disability support regardless of who you are.  Possibly the cost of living is higher, I know that rent is outrageous in Sydney, and I hear food and petrol (what you call 'gas') is cheap in the US.  (Gas!  Hee hee!)

I've already talked to the ER where I work and I'm going to visit them after shift to have an MRI done to see if it is sciatica or a slipped disk or something weird, but my nurse buddy seems to think that it is by the symptoms I described. Hopefully I can get it taken care of, I know it won't be over night cure and I'll still have to work with a hurty back, but at least I'll know what it is in the end. It just seems to be one thing after another. I'll start to feel pretty good and BAM! something else happens. 

[RichardMEL]

hmm during spring/summer I get depressed looking at all the hot young things and all the couples forming and think yeah good luck with that one.... winter I just want someone to cuddle with to be warm and content. I'm in real trouble when my 4 legged friend leaves me

[geoffcamp]

hmm during spring/summer I get depressed looking at all the hot young things and all the couples forming and think yeah good luck with that one.... winter I just want someone to cuddle with to be warm and content. I'm in real trouble when my 4 legged friend leaves me

I hear you on that!!  Been alone way too long!!  But I date occasionally but not found anyone who fits or even close. Plus the self esteem issues and my own negititive thoughts of why would a decent woman that I would be attracted to want me?  In my early forties broken sick no idea what will happen tomorrow. Not working right now so financially I have no stability. I've pretty much given up hope there is anyone out there for me. I just do not have much to bring to a relationship. Just another crappy thing about how things have progressed since I was diagnosed. I should get a dog!!!  Might motivate me to spend more time here in the parks and meet some new people too. Frustrating   

[Whamo]

geoff,   Date a nurse!  I married one, and it was the best decision I ever made.  We're happy after 8 years.  From what I hear there are a lot of single nurses looking for a good guy. 

[RichardMEL]

A dog is not such a bad idea - for several reasons. I'm a kitty person but the same applies - not only can you take pooch for walks and get out and about and exercise etc, but so many love to meet people with dogs and talk and stuff. Heck I was standing outside my place a few years ago with my kitty in her carrier and instantly I had these attractive young ladies appear and talk to me because they saw how cute my cat was!!!

Plus pets are very calming with their true love and they help to lower  blood pressure and provide a lot of emotional support. I can't even talk about how much my cat has been for me through dialysis and transplant and always there and just somehow being perceptive enough to know when I needed TLC and stuff... they often give so much and want so little. definitely worth considering

but remember getting a pet is a real responsibility.. it's for life (usually theirs ) and they become part of the family and need to be treated as such and not just something that can be dumped when the novelty wears off or it all gets too hard or whatever.. so think carefully before making such a decision (of course I don't know that you were that serious in your comment - so this is a general response). I feel very strongly about responsible and loving pet ownership. Well I hate the phrase "ownership" - apart from the fact that it's my cat who "owns" me, I think of her as my little family member not an obligation or something.

oops sorry I will get off my high horse.....

[jeannea]

I don't like animals. I use nieces for (almost) unconditional love.

[geoffcamp]

geoff,   Date a nurse!  I married one, and it was the best decision I ever made.  We're happy after 8 years.  From what I hear there are a lot of single nurses looking for a good guy.

Tied that!!  LOL. Have not run across any single ones recently!!  But glad for you!! 

A dog is not such a bad idea - for several reasons. I'm a kitty person but the same applies - not only can you take pooch for walks and get out and about and exercise etc, but so many love to meet people with dogs and talk and stuff. Heck I was standing outside my place a few years ago with my kitty in her carrier and instantly I had these attractive young ladies appear and talk to me because they saw how cute my cat was!!!

Plus pets are very calming with their true love and they help to lower  blood pressure and provide a lot of emotional support. I can't even talk about how much my cat has been for me through dialysis and transplant and always there and just somehow being perceptive enough to know when I needed TLC and stuff... they often give so much and want so little. definitely worth considering

but remember getting a pet is a real responsibility.. it's for life (usually theirs ) and they become part of the family and need to be treated as such and not just something that can be dumped when the novelty wears off or it all gets too hard or whatever.. so think carefully before making such a decision (of course I don't know that you were that serious in your comment - so this is a general response). I feel very strongly about responsible and loving pet ownership. Well I hate the phrase "ownership" - apart from the fact that it's my cat who "owns" me, I think of her as my little family member not an obligation or something.

oops sorry I will get off my high horse.....

No you are totally right. You must be a good companion to a dog too!!  I've had 2 dogs (lost my last one about a year ago after 12 years) and they have been great for me!!!  Get me outside more to walk and socialize with other pet owners at the park. I think you made a very good point. It has to be about giving your pet a good life too!!  G.

[Whamo]

I think a lot of people on this thread have been down, and I do mean down, that road.   

[Whamo]

I just read a thread about a homeless man with $6 in his pocket.  He got put in jail, and separated from his dog.  They wanted $400 to get his dog out of the hock.  People heard about it and raised $2,000 for him.   

[MaryD]

That's a lovely story Whamo.