I found myself lost in the dark wood of life...

[gkcoley]

Thank you Dante, for that overly accurate title...

I dont even know where to start...i guess the best way to describe my thoughts is the bittle crash of reality. 

I've always dealt with my medical issues with a certain bit of comedy and second thoughtedness...copywrighted, back off! lol

I've been on dialysis for 17 years, had 49 surgeries and had 2 failed transplants...and im 24.  The first girl i ever really cared about died in 2010 after a battle with cancer and a friend of mine helped me through that hard time and about 6 months ago she kicked me out of her life because things got 'complicated'...anyways this is all some background for what the post is actually about...

I have had my ups and downs and bouts with depression as most dialysis patients have, but i just cant seem to pick myself up lately.

It's like i went through a storm, got saved and then when it all died down i was left with the reality that this is my life...harsh painful and all too real.  ive moved on emotionally from the events i mentioned but its like i dont care any more.  Feels like ive jsut lost my will to live or fight it.  Like i just wanna give in the the depression and just drift along the currents of life, unresponsive. 

My question is this...this medical stuff hasnt really weighed on me for 17 years, why does it feel like all 17 years are weighing on me all of a sudden?  I just want a break to crawl away and lick my wounds but the downpour gives no shelter...

[beachbum]

Dude, I'm not sure how to respond but I had to because I can relate to how you feel. I haven't gone through what you have but I guess it's all relative right? We all have issues to deal with and although someone else's problems may seem smaller it doesn't really mean they are to them. I'm not even attempting to compare my problems only trying to show you I can relate to the feelings of just giving in.

I'm 37. I've had kidney problems since birth but I was lucky the doctors saved my one kidney (a few times) and I didn't have to start dialysis until just two months ago. I have almost no relationship with my family. They pretty much suck. My mom not getting me to the doctor until I was 8 months old caused me to lose my left kidney and she's never even apologized for this to this day. She won't even own up to anything.

What's worse is that when my kidney really got bad and I knew I would need a transplant or dialysis my family really turned on me. Not one person stepped up to get tested or even acted like they cared. My own brother asked me what my blood type was and after I found out I wrote him and he just stopped talking to me altogether. He wouldn't even email me to ask me how I'm doing.

I understand not everyone has family to reach out to and that I'm not alone there. And some people have it a lot worse than I do. But I struggle that nobody has offered to get tested or the few people that have only offered to be kind but they had no real intention of looking into it. It bothers me to think nobody wants me alive or not on dialysis. My own mom said to me last year, "Dialysis really isn't that bad. People do fine on it." She avoids and downplays everything.

It's been a real struggle this past year. While I know some people can last years on dialysis, some people don't. My best friend's mom, a person that I've known since I was 6 years old and was always like the mother I never had, passed away 2 months ago. She had kidney disease and had been on dialysis. That put even more fear into me than I already had.

Most recently I had a cousin tell me that I "trashed my kidneys." First of all, I only had one kidney, and it was trashed since birth. I don't drink or do drugs. Then I had some jerk that doesn't even know me tell me he hope I die of my kidney disease. It's a long story but in short my wife created a facebook page in hopes that I could find a living donor and this jerk that was her friend came out insulting me. Now I'm at the point I'm afraid to tell anyone I have kidney problems because I'm afraid they'll use it against me in some way.

I know these problems pale in comparison to most peoples' here. And I'm not at all feeling sorry for myself. It's just lately I've ran out of energy. I've been through a lot of ups and downs in life but I've always bounced back. Lately I'm having a really hard time finding that bounce. I feel hopeless and like I'm a lost cause. Like nobody wants me around. I don't have the mental energy I used to have. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking of taking my life or anything but I've seriously considered stopping dialysis and letting nature take it course. I've had these moments where I've questioned everything and I find I don't have the strength anymore.

At the end of the day we have to continue the fight. You never know what's around the corner. There's advances in medicine and things they are working on as I write this that one day may save our lives. My wife works in the Biomedical Research field and she tells me some of the stuff they are working on and it blows my mind. Maybe in our lifetime we will get a new kidney that won't reject. There are already people walking around with transplanted kidneys and taking no anti-rejection meds! It's starting to come around.

These are the things that keep me going when I feel hopeless. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through. All I can say is hang in there and keep bouncing back. It's not what you go through in life that defines you, it's how you respond to it.

[ToddB0130]

I think everyone on this board can understand both of you and the sadness, hurt, disappointment and frustration you are both feeling.  I am so sorry for what you've both gone through and I hope you find some help on this board and knowing that others share your feelings and understand the emotions you're going though.  Please just keep taking it one day at a time.  It's all you can really do.  Depression can be overwhelming.  As can anxiety.  I see a psychologist and I am taking appropriate medications to deal with my emotional and 'mental' issues.  I hope you find any additional support you need,  including medicinal or professional support.  Take care of yourselves.

[Whamo]

I was sorry to read you lost that woman you cared about to cancer.  You might consider "Mind Aerobics" using holosync technology.  Listen to these CD's on the headphones, and it puts your mind into deep relaxation.

[fearless]

"I just want a break to crawl away and lick my wounds but the downpour gives no shelter..."

Oh my God.  I can't read it without crying.  It paints the picture of my soul.  Those times when the whole weight of the years on dialysis just comes down on you all at once and WON'T GO AWAY.  And today wasn't good.  And reading that I hear all the souls out there crying out for comfort.  Yours and mine included.  Please take comfort in my understanding.  I don't know where i will be if I survive 17 years on dialysis.  I think you must have the heart of a warrior.

[Riki]

I think that for those of us who started dialysis very young don't realize the scope and seriousness of the disease until we are older, and that's when everything seems to come down around our ears.  I started when I was 12, and it just seemed like something I was supposed to do.  Even when I got my first kidney at 14, the seriousness of the surgery itself didn't bother me.  My mother says that I took it all in stride. I didn't even start the "why me's" until I lost that kidney at 22.  I was lucky enough to get another one within a month, just before my 23rd birthday.  I started dialysis again just before my 26th birthday.  It was at this time that the weight of my illness finally came crashing down.  I was angry at everyone and everything, and felt that I had no life left to live.  While I was on PD, I remember trying to figure a way of stopping the dialysis without anyone knowing what I was doing, but I was lucky enough to never think of one.  I have thought about ending my life, but the thing that keeps me from doing it is the thought of my mother having to bury me, and her pain being my fault.  I know that I'm lucky to have a mom who's been a lifeline through my entire illness

I have good days, and bad days, just like everyone else, and I try to go one day at a time.  I know I probably should, but I have yet to seek professional help, especially with the thoughts of suicide.  I just keep going with the day to day stuff, and hope no one really notices if I'm having a bad day.