Catharsis

[Gerald Lively]

Being on dialysis is like standing on top of a hill and gazing down the length of highway 50 in Nevada; you can see a very long road and no end to it as it vanishes into the hills on the horizon.  Yet, we make that journey.  There are no official rest stops, not a lot of trees around that might give you a pleasant break in the shade, no rivers crossed for a refreshing drink, but you can go like hell down that road if you decide to do so, as in Home Dialysis.  Worse, there are no exits.

Yesterday I went to the Dialysis Center wearing Levis.  This garb is heavier than my usual sweat pants. They took off extra water and I feel like I got out of that place just short becoming a freeze-dried human being.  So, I went to my sanctuary, home, and drank a beer, took a binder pill and felt somewhat better.  It was the overwhelming fatigue that put me to bed where I slept of twelve hours without moving.  Something about this isn’t right. I’d rather undergo that CIA waterboarding.  Alas, I cannot get off this road, and much like a true masochist, I must go back next Tuesday for another round of blood-washing.  The highway is long and while I have traveled some distance down this road, I see no end to it.  Life is like that.
 
Yes, I had that fistula surgery and it buzzes and it seems to be healing.  The incision is much smaller than I anticipated.  But I must wait another five weeks or more for this fistula thing to “mature”.  Then I plan to undergo another five weeks to train myself and one other to stab myself with blunt objects we lovingly call “needles”.  Following that, we will have to have our water tested, the house re-plumbed and holes drilled in our very new hardwood floor for water supply and a sewer connection. And I am retired.

Retired seems to mean I was tired once but now I am tired all over again, retread might be a better term.

Indeed, that road is long.  All of that foreseeable activity is only the beginning for there is more that I cannot see.  This isn’t a journey down glory-road.  This is a trial before judgment – if there is a judgment. 

So, what do I do?  I want to make this journey in the best vehicle I can find.  I need to impress, arrive in style and with a smile on my face.  It is a journey like no other for I have no idea where I am going.  But we will get there and I will look back once so to identify my mistakes for the purpose of avoiding those in the future. But there will be no future.  Such is the nature of this highway – the rest stop is the end. With no exits, there is nowhere else to go.

Being a goal oriented person, I must change.  This is not achievement by any means, this is, instead, an exercise in finding enjoyment along the way.  Find the fun in the Sun, cry halleluiah for staying on the road, have a different kind of party, live the life we have not the life we want.  Find my way with that vehicle attached to one arm and get over the negatives.  Ignore the obvious and dream.  We can do it.  We shall do it. And don’t take so much water out the next time.   

[fearless]

seems good Gerald. 

[Cordelia]

Gerald, are you a writer?

I really think you should be writing books or articles of "inspiration"     

I'm a writer myself and I see such talent in how you express yourself.  I don't mean it sarcastically, I'm serious.   

You have a way with words, you incorporate humor in your writing and it's just so refreshing to read your posts.

I  really enjoy your posts, I hope you never stop posting about your journey with us.     

I see you have a website, which I never took notice on your other posts.......I'm going to check it out     

[cattlekid]

Oh yes, I did that once and never again.  I had the same pair of pants that I wore every Tuesday and Thursday to work with different tops so I never had to deal with the clothing weight issue.  And also, I took my shoes off before weighing no matter what they were, gym shoes or flats or whatever.  We weighed my gym shoes and they were a kilo on their own!

FWIW, I successfully stuck myself with blunts today.  First time without the nurse present.  Pardon me for saying so, but I rock - and you will too.   

Yesterday I went to the Dialysis Center wearing Levis.  This garb is heavier than my usual sweat pants. They took off extra water and I feel like I got out of that place just short becoming a freeze-dried human being.  So, I went to my sanctuary, home, and drank a beer, took a binder pill and felt somewhat better.

[Gerald Lively]

My profession was government manager/administrator.  There I learned what the elected official would read; as in – different strokes for different folks.  I retired or quit because there were no doctors in Yakutat, Alaska and I had cancer.  Then there was that chemotherapy for seven months.  I started a book just to harness my wandering mind.  I ended up with a 1200 page science fiction novel where I used as a background,  world-wide economic collapse due to depleted resources such as oil, but not limited to such.  On another level it is about the first human venture beyond earth for a purpose other than mining.  And, it is also a commentary on who we are and where we came from.  And I hope it is thought provoking.

I paired the book down to 525 pages and had it bound then shelved it back in 1996 where it languishes.  My wife and a professional reader says it is good and is very readable.  I sent it to Penguin publishing but they didn’t read it. That was at my wife’s urging.   

I wrote a blog for a while called, “The Mystical being who has Never Been Seen”.  A humorous satire on religion and it’s influence on populations.  Not everyone likes their religion subjected to such treatment, so I let it go.

I’ve had no training in the writing profession and I write upon inspiration.  I still cannot tell you what a verb or a pronoun is.  The Nuns in my old school would have smacked my knuckles for that. 

I did put together a website for my descendants, a genealogy.  I am afraid I got carried away and kept searching until I found 236,000 names for my surname and associated families.  We get a million hits a year there and my dissertations on Presidents seems to be the subject of some schools on the US east coast.

This is the sort of thing I do when I have to sit and stay home – as I am doing now.

Gl - - -  www.livelyroots.com

 

[boswife]

i love you Gerald Lively   I can say that as it seems we may be related    Hey, i'd be proud if it is true, your really something special and im glad your here. BTW.. if it is so, well, it would be from my mothers side and she is as gifted in 'arts' as you..  I miss her 

[Gerald Lively]

Related!  I would need your full name and maiden name, then I will look it up.  I just do what I do.
You can contact me at kootiej@saber.net or glively@livelyroots.com
I will dust out the cave before I invite you inside.

[Cordelia]

My profession was government manager/administrator.  There I learned what the elected official would read; as in – different strokes for different folks.  I retired or quit because there were no doctors in Yakutat, Alaska and I had cancer.  Then there was that chemotherapy for seven months.  I started a book just to harness my wandering mind.  I ended up with a 1200 page science fiction novel where I used as a background,  world-wide economic collapse due to depleted resources such as oil, but not limited to such.  On another level it is about the first human venture beyond earth for a purpose other than mining.  And, it is also a commentary on who we are and where we came from.  And I hope it is thought provoking.

I paired the book down to 525 pages and had it bound then shelved it back in 1996 where it languishes.  My wife and a professional reader says it is good and is very readable.  I sent it to Penguin publishing but they didn’t read it. That was at my wife’s urging.   

I wrote a blog for a while called, “The Mystical being who has Never Been Seen”.  A humorous satire on religion and it’s influence on populations.  Not everyone likes their religion subjected to such treatment, so I let it go.

I’ve had no training in the writing profession and I write upon inspiration.  I still cannot tell you what a verb or a pronoun is.  The Nuns in my old school would have smacked my knuckles for that. 

I did put together a website for my descendants, a genealogy.  I am afraid I got carried away and kept searching until I found 236,000 names for my surname and associated families.  We get a million hits a year there and my dissertations on Presidents seems to be the subject of some schools on the US east coast.

This is the sort of thing I do when I have to sit and stay home – as I am doing now.

Gl - - -  www.livelyroots.com

That's.....amazing! Just incredible, your accomplishments!          

[Traveller1947]

Keep writing, Gerald Lively!  It's good for you and it's good for us.  Also, it'll serve as a diary on your journey...

[Gerald Lively]

All of us have interesting lives.  Not all of us have the opportunity to brag.  For the praise and encouragment, I thank all of you.

If we could sit down and talk, I'd bet I could find accomplishments in each and every one of you.

There was this time, when I was . . . .  er . . . . uh . . . .

Speaking of interesting:  In research on Thomas Jefferson, I discovered an episode that might interest some of you. Yes, we all have our moments.

Jefferson played the violin and he played it well.  During the time he was sent to France, he found his way into a ladies bed.  Yes, he was plunking a French diplomats wife.  During his supreme perfomance in bed, he heard what turned out to be an early arriving husband.  Jefferson then ghrabbed up his clothes and jumped out the bedroom window - - and broke his arm.  Alas, that arm healed badly and he couldn't play the violin - ever again.

An irrelevant story but it is true.  What the heck, I thought you all might like it.

gl
gl
gl

[willowtreewren]

Gerald, I, too enjoy your missives.

But on a more practical note...I would encourage you to be more vocal about your clinic's NOT taking off so much fluid. That is probably one of the reasons you are feeling so washed out after a treatment.

You'll have far more control once you get home with NxStage. While my husband was doing home hemo, it was not unusual for him to get off the machine and be at work 20 minutes later. I'm hoping you can find a road that leads you through similar country!

 

Aleta