Dating on dialysis?

[gothiclovemonkey]

Ohhhhhh i can tell my resolve is low! I am consistantly seeing HOT MEN and some hot women, everywhere EVERYWHERE!
 
I dont have an confidence to walk up and actually try to flirt or anything.
I recently had started talking to a man, a wonderful man, and he was great.... But apparently it was not meant to be, he had a terrible wreck and died on me. Since that I have went from, i really dont want to date, to now, I really really really do not want anything to do with love or dating. Especially since it seems when u go to date all they want is sex, and that is totally last thing on my mind!

[carson]

I met my VERY hot  husband  almost 11 yrs ago when I was on PD. First date I told him about it and he accepted it. All these years later I'm now on home nocturnal hemo and I recently asked him if he regrets it because he certainly didn't sign up for all the complications I've had...he said no and that he must have been put on this earth to be here for me!! He's truly a gift from God. That doesn't mean he never stresses about my health. It doesn't mean he never gets frustrated because we haven't been on vacation in 11 yrs. It doesn't mean he never has bad days regarding my health, with no one to talk to about it. He's just one great guy! And even without health issues, great guys are really hard to come by!
When I lost my kidney transplant and was really sick, began PD and kept getting peritonitis, my EX of 10 years couldn't deal with it and took on a contract in Alabama and Georgia to get away from me - we live in Canada...that's really getting away. Finally, after I asked him to stop working there as I needed him at home he said NO. That was the end of our relationship.
So you see, don't be afraid. There are lots of good ones out there...

[Beth35]

That is a very nice story Carson.  It gives me hope!!!  Thanks for sharing!

Maybe I will meet a really hot dialysis tech when I begin dialysis again.  LOL!

[Riki]

Carson, this may be a dumb question, but why haven't you gone on vacation?  It's so easy to travel on dialysis these days, even if you have to pay to go to a unit while away, you can usually get all or most of it back from the provincial govt when you get home

[carson]

Riki, the BIGGEST reason we haven't been away on holiday is finances but also I am afraid to go out of the country for any amount of time and not have my Canadian Health Insurance. As a former funeral director, I've heard far too many first hand stories of people traveling to other countries, becoming ill, maybe even dying and the tremendous costs involved. I have no desire to travel to hot climates. I'd like to visit the UK, and Europe but my nurses have told me that the price per treatment is in the neighbourhood of $200-300. That just sucks!! I know there are some places in the US that will deal with OHIP directly, so I don't have to pay up front but we have just never been able to pull it off.  Now that I've broken my back and will be off work for 3 months, the finances will be a mess again for a while. and so it goes 

[Hubbs]

wow, this is a Huge Boat!  I never really gave it much thought about not dating cuz i'm doing the D thing. its my other disabilities that get me down and out of the dating sean.  a.k.a meat market.
So ladies and Gents. if you think you don't qualify for a date. think of me.. half blind now deaf can't drive.  have a few teeth missing  (thyroid gland is messed up). u all got what it takes to date.  maybe your trying too hard to find the right person.. trust me.  when u meet him/her. u will know.

Yes i tried dating deaf women.  i'm not part of there world. i'm in between them. so i'm the one who feels like he is a big Borden.  and I own my own home and have a good income even tho i don't work. go figure.

[RichardMEL]

Well thought I'd contribute a recent(last week) experience. Started chatting to this lady online and the topic of my eyesight came up pretty early on. So I was sitting there thinking "do I tell her about KD or not" and well my usual advice to "tell early rather than later" came to mind, so I practiced what I preached and told her. Yes, not the best sales pitch is it? "Yep, can't see that well oh and by the way I have this little problem you should know about..." well she did stick around to hear more, but we did have a conversation about the merits or telling or not and I tried to express to her the issues involved for a lot of us with being up front about this sort of thing or not, and how difficult it was to know the right time/place to do so. I think the general consensus now is - don't tell TOO soon!!! 

Suffice to say we then later met and she freaked out a bit at my fistula, even though I had told her a bit about it previously. I suppose everyone would react differently. At least this one actually honestly told me rather than having it be something that festered away for her.

So there's no real conclusion on that one, other than it's so hard to know when is the right time to divulge such a big personal thing. I'm still yet to find a good answer to this.

oh for those interested the thing hasn't really worked out, but that's more to do with other issues than the kidney factor, but that is definitely involved.

[Beth35]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure telling too soon would kill any hopes of it getting any further.  I mean, who wants to even get going with someone who has major health issues.

The "experts" in the dating field always suggest keeping things light at the beginning of a relationship.  So I think I'm going to go that route.  I wouldn't hide it for a long period of time but I would actually like someone to get to know ME before anything else KWIM?

Sorry this chick was freaked out by your fistula Richard.  I just had my THIRD fistula put in and I'm hoping it works.  It's deep so I can't see it at all.  At least now.  I know it will get bigger when I start dialysis.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Its tough because if u wait, and u really like the person, and they decide they dont want to deal with that, then it hurts more than if u just meet them and tell them before anything really starts and they stop talking to u. But then they dont get the change to know you either.... So tough.
i used to just bring it up, if someone asked me if i work, i say not right now, health problems,and if they wanted to know, i told them. The usual responses of ,oh im sorry, maybe some questions, then never hear from them again lol
now that im on pd, im hoping to get back into working. or at least back to school. then i wont have a clue when i can bring that up lol
ive dated a guy for about 2 years,he knew i had problems, i was in and out of the hosptial, im not sure why he stayed with me, he said he really cared about me, but he didnt want MORE of a relationship than what we had,he didnt want to be responsible for a sick person, or have to take care of anyone.... i dumped him. I want the "happy ending" (marriage? maybe lol) it hurt him saying that, but i also was really close to a friend of mine, and he told me he couldnt date me because he wants children, he loves me he will alsways love me, but i cant bare his children so he cant be with me *rolls eyes*
better to be single than deal with that!
Besides, i wouldnt want to put anyone thru that anyway. Always feeling crappy, not even sure id be interested in having..  relations lol

[Beth35]

Yeah, you could end up getting hurt if you wait a bit before telling someone but I probably wouldn't wait TOO long.  Not long enough for me to have developed REAL feelings, but long enough to let him know whether he at least likes me enough to want to continue seeing me after finding out. 

But yes, it's SOOO hard to know what to do and when.

[Hubbs]

Ok people.. chin up.  our world,  is clock work. we do everything everyone ells does  that means. if u look like a soap opera star. and do things everyone one ells does that's the law since u were born.  bottom line lot of folks take things for granted.  So now life throws you a curve.  and trust me a lot of ppl can't hit curve balls. lol  so, what do we do?  ahhhhhh the pity pot!   ok, they are out there. admit it.  we are the same ppl we were before just have to live differently.  they call it the "New Normal"  the question that is ask; do we tell them sooner or later about the D thing?  i say it depends. if u ware short sleeve shirts they are ganna see something,     as for me. i like to be upfront.  but when i chat online  i don't have a problem admitting it. cuz  i know we will never meat so i just "ACT" like part of the crowd that was built into our world..  its the same for everyone who is "Different"  ppl in wheelchairs, ppl who have Downs, they all have there own little world they have to live in.  so we can act normal  but still we are in our own little world.   so lets stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start living again.   too bad we are sped out.. I feel like having a BBQ and your all welcome   

[Beth35]

I don't think it's really feeling sorry for yourself but trying to figure out how to navigate in life with the "new normal."  Let's face it.  This is not NEAR normal for those who are not experiencing it. 

I'm quite sure there will be someone out there who is okay with me being on dialysis.  But I'm also quite sure that if I just put it out there from the get go, most people would pass.  Now if someone actually LIKED me for ME first, I can see them thinking it's not such a big deal.

For instance, if I met someone online who told me from hello that he had just lost his job and was living with his parents, I may just pass that one right up.  I mean who wants to deal with THAT right up front.  BUT, if I met a really great guy who made me laugh and had a great personality and THEN I found out he was going through a rough patch, I just might weigh it all out in my head and decide I could stick with him through the rough patch b/c he is worth it. KWIM?

[RichardMEL]

yeah it's an absolutely tough line. In the past I've waited a bit under the "let them get to know me first" idea, but then I've had the "why didn't you tell me earlier?" type reaction - so you can't win! I don't want to be a pity party at all.. in fact I want to show that dialysis and kidney disease is NOT my life. Yes, dialysis helps me live, but I do not live to do dialysis... so yeah obviously it's a "new normal" sort of thing but let's face it, it's difficult to think about putting someone through all of that stuff - dealing with being tired, sick, not to mention getting a transplant, going through the op, and recovery, and whatever challenges that brings. Sometimes I don't feel there's enough of me left to give anyone else a fair go emotionally. I know that makes it sound like I'm totally wrapped up in my disease... I don't know that it's that so much... more that there's so much energy (emotional and otherwise) that it takes to keep a positive attitude and the other crap at bay, and then worrying that someone you care about will be worrying about YOU and having to put up with all that stuff... I had to to tell the last one that I just didn't think I could meet any of her needs. It was very difficult, and it made me wonder why I was even trying to date. Sure, like most people I get lonely and want someone to cuddle, but is that a good enough reason to drag someone into this? I don't know, and the struggle about what is "right" or "the best thing to do" continues.....

[gothiclovemonkey]

I dont think any of us are having a pity party really. Just expressing concern. To me, a pity party is like woe is me im dying no body loves me. Thats not how i feel at all. I know im very loveable, if someone could see passed the sickness, and other things, like my size lol but its more a concern, I know what it was like growing up with sick people, and i dont know that id want to put anyone thru that. *shrugs*
I still get out, i still have fun, but to be in a relationship.... scary thought. lol (ive done the LTR thing before...3.5 years of that... and im not sure that its really my "bag" lol  )

[Hubbs]

I always wanted to find a Nurse to date. lest they have an open mind and been there done that, and can deal with it.

[gothiclovemonkey]

I always wanted to find a Nurse to date. lest they have an open mind and been there done that, and can deal with it.

hehe not to mention the uniform

[Hubbs]

I always wanted to find a Nurse to date. lest they have an open mind and been there done that, and can deal with it.

hehe not to mention the uniform

they only have them in the hospitals,  at the center they are very colorful. there is one tech who wares an ugly white coat all bitten up.. but when she takes it off, she got a body to die for..  i'm about to ask her why she wares that? hehe..  i gave my e mail to one.. still waiting to hear from her. but  there is no sign of rejection.. she is very physical  (touch/hugs)

[needlephobic]

I met my wonderful lady before ckd we dated about 9 years when i got ckd  didn't really know how to tell her but when i did she got very worried about me. I found out she has delt with this before she had a aunt and grandma that had ckd. Her aunt died in front of her from it. so she is worried I am going to die on her. I tell her I am planning on being here for a long time my goal is to beat it. So she has stayed by my side dureing the bad days and good days so i guess i am one of the lucky ones

[Restorer]

And then there are those of us who haven't even gotten to the point with women where being on dialysis would matter.  It's pretty hard when ESRD strikes at just the wrong time and destroys your social circles. 

[RichardMEL]

oh I don't know. I happen to know of a lovely young lady, who may or my not be a member of IHD (*grin*) who has just met a lovely young man who seems cool with her pre-dialysis state.  To quote Galaxy Quest: "Never give in! Never Surrender!"

[needlephobic]

just don't give up hope a wonderful lady will come into your life just wait and see

[JasonEb]

Then, when I did start dialysis, and I had the PD catheter, I felt completely unattractive and totally not sexy, so I just didn't bother even looking.  But now, I'm thinking that since I no longer have the PD catheter, and the central line is gone, I may start looking again.  Maybe sign up with eharmony or something like that.  I figure if I can find a nice guy who doesn't mind the scars (the central line left one that kinda looks like a belly button), and can handle my crazy mood swings and the occasional meltdown, he's a keeper

As I mentioned elsewhere today, I met my girlfriend of the past 9 years literally while on dialysis.  She was a tech new to the unit and we just sort of grew together.  And I was absolutely NOT looking for a relationship at the time.  I think sometimes people are looking too hard instead of just letting it happen.

Also, I find the scar running from the center of the back of her head down to the bottom of her neck from her brain surgery in February very sexy, to me it denotes that she has an interesting tale in her life.