Enough

[GoingThere]

Hi all!

I must put out my emotions, otherwise I'll explode. Yesterday, I had my first 4 hours sessions. Afterwards, I was a mess. I cried and said I won't do it anymore. My parents and friends tried to calm me down, but no success. I'm so frustrated to be depended to a machine.

And on top of that, my girlfriend sad to me yesterday, that she doesn't feel that our relationship is the right one and that she needs time to think about us. Between the lines: she wants to go away.

Did I deserve this?

I went to a doctor yesterday and asked, what do I need to sign to get just paliative care. Yes, I want to die.

Sorry for being depressed, but you're the only one, who understand me.

Uros

[Dianejt]

  I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. The nurses & Doc keep telling us it takes time to get you feeling better. Frank has only been recieving dialysis since June 10 this year.  He still feels lousy but he has so many other conditions going on. Please give it time to work. Your girlfriend is just scared and probally overwhelmed by the whole thing. Yes you are dependent on a machine but so many others have worked it into their lives, you can too. Frank looks at it as being a part time job, this is upsetting to him as he just retired in October from his postal job. Yes life does change. Sorry you are feeling so down.

[billybags]

Going There, what can I say, you sound so down. Its not going to be a bed of roses, it is a life changing thing, going on to dialysis. I am saddened to here you want to end it all, because basically that is what you are saying. GoingThere, even being on dialysis you can have a good life, it is what you make of it. You are only young, you will get the chance of a transplant, a lot of people don't. Everyone experiences depression when they learn that they will have to rely on a machine. Is there a chance you could go onto PD so you could do this at home? I can understand where your girl friend is coming from, she is scared there is so much to learn about dialysis and you are scared as well, it is natural.Please do not give up your life, there must be lots of things you want to achieve  and they are achievable if you give your self a chance. Thinking of you and sending you hugs. 

[RichardMEL]

Gee mate, even I'm finding it hard to know what to say reading this. I share your pain in that regard, though I've never actually had a woman tell me, right when I'm dealing with starting D, that the relationship wasn't right and all that - talk about kicking a bloke when he's down - I don't think that one would have been right for you anyway with an attitude like that.

What can I say? It does get easier when you get in a routine, and start to feel the positive effects of dialysis rather than focusing on the bad things like needles, being tied to the machine, and all of that stuff that we all know so well.

I think you are adjusting to a big change in life and to be upset about it, angry, frustrated and all that is pretty normal. There's times I feel like that too (and no, I'm not just saying that).

It's normal and healthy to let these feelings and emotions out - come here, vent, yell at something... (I used to play mindless video games where I could blow up stuff!). The thing I want you to do is NOT pack it in!!! Yes, it seems dire now, I absolutely understand that... but you DO have so much to live for, and dialysis, as horrid as it is, lets you do that. Your family and friends who care about you certainly don't want you ending it all.. they want you to hang around for as long as you can - and so do we.

As for your girlfriend... remember it's also a big change for her to get used to and maybe, just maybe, she's having to deal with this stuff in her own way - how she cares for you, how it must feel to see someone you love going through this and feeling helpless etc. Now if she wants to run off because she can't handle it, well that's her (poor) call. but you can't let that stop you. You're better than that!!!

Please, give it some time. Don't do anything too hasty. Give yourself 2 months. 3 months. See how you feel then. If you really feel that God awful and that it's just not helping you and it's not for you then you need to have long and frank discussions with your family, friends, doctors. You're only just starting, and I promise you it WILL get easier... the vast majority of my treatments are dead flat BORING. I was trying to explain that too two very attractive pharmacy students they brought in to see me today... but then my pulse went high and I got all embarassed.....

Just don't do anything too rash, OK? You need time to adjust, as does everyone around you.

Hang in there, OK?!

PS: I'd love to only be doing 4 hours!!!!

[cariad]

Uros, this was a heartbreaking read. First rule of life, do not make any important decisions when you are depressed or your thinking is otherwise cloudy. Whether to live or die is arguably the most important decision any of us can make. Please give dialysis a chance to clean the toxins out - those poisons really affect your thinking.

I know you mentioned that your parents offered to donate, but that your father was not in the best health, and that you did not want to 'butcher' your mother. Let me speak as a mom to two boys for a moment. If one of my kids came to me 30 years from now and said "I am considering two options: asking you to undergo an operation that will leave you with a few scars and maybe some pain for several weeks, or.... I could kill myself" you would hear the peal of rubber against road as I raced to hospital to get this operation. I doubt I would even bother asking what the procedure was or what the risks are. If dialysis is that bad, please look into this option.

About the butchering: My husband donated to me. He has two oval-shaped scars on his abdomen that we call his 'walrus bites' [this is a joke to do with the recent BP oil spill] and a short, linear scar below the bikini line. (You'll be happy to hear my husband does not actually wear bikinis.) Uros, he is so proud of himself!!! My first donor was, too. They want to tell everyone about it. My first donor even went on to donate bone marrow twenty years later, THAT is how much he got out of the donation experience.

As for the girlfriend, I think Richard has the right idea. It could be fear, or it could be that she cannot handle this. If it's fear, hopefully she will return to you when she takes time to sort herself out. If it's the latter, well, she is not as great as we all once hoped. I picture you laughing about this with your future girlfriend (or wife) because, come on, dropping someone just as they start dialysis will be a classic "worst day ever" story in time. Please give yourself the chance to get to that point.

We're here for you, Uros. Keep coming back and telling us how you are managing.

[rocker]

My DH and I had been dating about a year when he was diagnosed.  (He had been getting progressively more ill for weeks.) Shortly after that, he broke up with me.  It was a terrible blow with everything going on, but I told myself that everything was up in the air and we both needed time to figure out what the hell was going on.  A couple weeks later, he went on a date with a dialysis tech.  (How do I know?  I was spying on him, of course!)  The day after the date, I went to his house and said look, whatever happens happens but I think we're old enough to be honest about what's going on.  I was incredibly calm about everything (despite being devastated) and assured him that I wasn't angry about the date.  Was there anything he wanted to talk about?  Could we be honest about our conflicted feelings?

After many minutes of him reassuring himself that I really wasn't going to go ballistic about him seeing someone else, it all came pouring out.  With great relief, he told me how it was possibly the worst date of his life and they had had nothing to talk about, and nothing in common.  He told me some stories, and we had a good laugh.

It wasn't a magical fix for our relationship, but we went on from there and there was a bit less worry about things being blown out of proportion, a bit more confidence that we could communicate.

That was about sixteen years ago...

This is a horrible time for you, and a horrible time for those around you.  But it doesn't have to be the end.  Dialysis is not a death sentence.  People change their minds.  New people come into your life.  Now is not a good time to be making long-term decisions.....give it some time for things to settle out.

  - rocker

[Ang]

you  need  more  than  1  treatment  to  make  such  a decision

ther  should  be  a  light  in  the  distance  that  should  be  your  reason  for  getting  up  each  day, mine  is  my  wife  and  child.

don't  be  too  hard  on  your  girlfriend,when  people  get  sick,  how  do  people  treat  them  usually  not  as  a normal  person  and  that  all  the  sick  really  want

you  ned  to  give  it  at  least  a  month  then  reassess and  make  the  decision  thats  right  for  you.

is  there  anyone  in  your  home  town  that  will  predominantly  listen  and  offer  bits  of  advice  occassionally.

good  luck  with  it all

[Riki]

I agree with everyone here.  Give it at least a couple of weeks.  Once you're feeling better, and into a bit of a routine, you may see things differently

When it comes to your girlfriend, she may, like you, need time to deal with all the changes.  There's a lot to go through in the beginning, not just for you, but for your family members as well.  There's a lot of fear of the unknown, and once you've been doing it for a while, and there is so much less of the unknown there, she may come around.  If she doesn't, that's her loss.

[caringpct]

Something I always tell my new patients is that it does get better. I have seen people brought in on stretchers and 6 months later they are planning family vacations again. It is a long, hard road but it is worth it. I won't ever say I know what you are going through because I don't. I do see all the struggles all my patients go through. I try to give encouraging words. Don't give up so soon. There is more than being strapped to a machine out there. Thinks of dialysis as time for you to socialize with other patients. That's what I tell my patients, I don't work there I only come in to socialize with everyone.

As far as your girlfriend goes, if she wants to leave her lose. there are others that are out there that could understand you better and what you are going through or she just needs time to deal in her own way.

Everything happens for a reason, good and bad. If she leaves then maybe there is someone better, if she takes time away maybe she will realize how much she really loves you. AS far as dialysis goes maybe you can learn something from the people there. Everything in life is a lesson whether it be to you or for someone else. Good luck with all.

[galvo]

Uros, I felt exactly the same way after my first few sesions. It's absolutely shattering, isn't it? BUT, and it's a bloody big BUT, my perspective and attitude changed as I started to feel better and started acceepting the routine. As far as I am concerned I have a 3 days a week part time unpaid job that makes me feel healthier.
Hang in there, buddy. Give it a 3 month trial and then re-assess.

[KICKSTART]

Uros ..im not going to give you the softly softly approach ..its not my style!  Yeah you are depressed, firstly see your neph get something for it . Secondly the girlfriend ..forget her, shes not for you ..her loss ! Why are you ready to give up ? after just one session as well ..thats nothing . Some of us have been doing it for years , some of us have no hope of a transplant. If you have chance of a transplant , then how are you going to do that if you give up? and imagine how you will feel in the future if you get a transplant , that the thought of giving up crossed your mind? Yes life changes,its now a rollcoaster. Ive had just about everything go wrong , everything thrown at me BUT i wont give up and believe me , ive felt just like you ! Whats the point , why do it . Its a big shock to the system, but there is still quality of life . Its a machine , its 4 hours out of your day but that 4 hours gives you LIFE . Alright it might be crappy at the moment , but it wont always be like that . Roll with the bad times , enjoy the good times , they will come. But get help for your depression firstly 
PS ;and looking at your avatar wow ! I'll be your cougar ..  

[carson]

Uros, I'm so sorry to hear you're down but I think that's part of be ill. We all get down sometimes but luckily it's not too often. I've been on some form of dialysis for 13 yrs and I've made an educated decision that being on home nocturnal hemo is the best program available next to transplant. As my neph puts it "my body doesn't even realize my kidneys aren't working". Yes, home hemo is alot of work, but I dialyse while I sleep and have a normal life otherwise. I run my household, work out at the gym 4 days a week, I ride and train my horse, walk and train my dog, work 2 jobs, have a fantastic relationship with my husband and our extended family and friends.  If this program is available to you, pls check it out!! It will help in every single way!! But in the meantime, look at all the beautiful and wonderul things and people in your life. Don't let the disease take over - there's so much more out there!! Seek out some counsel with your depression - most of have therapists, as do our support givers.  It's not the end, it's just a lifestyle adjustment!

[Quickfeet]

Just a few short weeks ago I was feeling a lot like you. For me it took two months on dialysis to get adjusted and to notice an improvement in my health. People here told me to wait it out, because it would get better. I didn't believe any of it. Every day I continued to feel miserable. I connected to a machine 4 times a day 7 days a week. I just didn't see the point in all of it. I was tired of all the pain and worry. Now the treatments are working. I actually feel like I am going to have a life again. It has been hell getting here, but I am glad I held on. I say, talk to your doctor get some meds to to deal with your emotions and any other problems you are having. Then give it two months and if you still believe it isn't worth staying a live then...

[GoingThere]

Hi everybody!

I've already made some steps. Today, I reached the bottom of my life and now the path can lead me only up. I was extremley anxious today and when the D tech said to me:"It is not so bad, isn't it" I said to her some rude words.

I saw that I'm really depressed so I searched for help. Been at psychiatrist and got some meds. Hoping, they will work. The doctor was extremly nice and cheered me up.

So, let's go on . And yes, my ex has a BIIIIIIGGGGGGGG loss.

Uros

[KICKSTART]

Glad to hear it , now just take it a day at a time ..

[carson]

  :thumbup;Great news!! Onward and Upward I say!!

[billybags]

I am so glad you are feeling more positive, it will get better.

[Sunny]

Think long term, because the dialysis will make you feel better in the long run, though it may be difficult at first.
As for your girlfiend, I can understand your feelings of devastation upon having her call it quits when you need her support most. That must really hurt. Maybe consider a way to get the word out that you are in need of a transplant and that dialysis is difficult for you. Hold out hope for a living donor and make sure you are activated on the cadaver transplant list. From what I hear people say on this forum, dialysis does get better with time and hopefully you will start feeling better too.

[Dianejt]

How are you doing Going there?

[GoingThere]

DianeIt, I'm doing better now. After my Friday's session, I wasn't tired at all and I could immediately proceed with my usual activities. Apparently my great phisicall condition contributes to good mood after session.

I can see that D at the moment will not be a major obstacle in my life, cause the break up bothers me much more. But I think I will manage them both.

Thanks for asking,

take care,

GoingThere

[del]

Uros, I'm so sorry to hear you're down but I think that's part of be ill. We all get down sometimes but luckily it's not too often. I've been on some form of dialysis for 13 yrs and I've made an educated decision that being on home nocturnal hemo is the best program available next to transplant. As my neph puts it "my body doesn't even realize my kidneys aren't working". Yes, home hemo is alot of work, but I dialyse while I sleep and have a normal life otherwise. I run my household, work out at the gym 4 days a week, I ride and train my horse, walk and train my dog, work 2 jobs, have a fantastic relationship with my husband and our extended family and friends.  If this program is available to you, pls check it out!! It will help in every single way!! But in the meantime, look at all the beautiful and wonderul things and people in your life. Don't let the disease take over - there's so much more out there!! Seek out some counsel with your depression - most of have therapists, as do our support givers.  It's not the end, it's just a lifestyle adjustment!

My husband has been on dialysis for 13 years as well, and for the last 4 years nocturnal home hemo as well.  If it is available to you, and you are able it is definitely the way to go next to a transplant!!  My husband is very active as well.  The depression does get better with treatment. It is normal to go through a proces similar to greiving when you lose your kidney function.  Take care!! 

[natnnnat]

Going There - this is great news to hear you sounding more resilient.   
I guess there's going to be more ups and downs, but you are a strong healthy fellow and looks like that will stand you in good stead!
 
We are all right here with you whatever happens next.
 

[RenalSurvivorDotCA]

Uros

When I started dialysis I thought my life was over. I had no concept of what dialysis was; I thought it was like an iron lung where you were hooked up to the machine 24/7 and never got to go out or anything. When I did start and saw how it was, I was still grumpy and didn't have much to say to my fellow patient sitting next to me. I still thought it was a death sentence. As time went on it became easier and easier. i opened up to my fellow patients and to my nurses and PSWs. I advocated kidney groups and got involved with the local chapter of the Kidney Foundation. I eventually returned to work full-time and have resumed as normal a life as I can. Nowadays I feel so good that I don't feel sick or weak anytime. I just treat dialysis like an extended doctor's appointment three times a week. Just as something else that I have to do.

I'm glad you've chosen to continue your treatments. I had one dialysis friend who needed heart surgery for calcification of the heart. He didn't want the surgery and also decided to quit hemo altogether. The nurses told me of his situation and wanted me to talk to him. They wheeled him over to me and we talked for two or three hours while I was on.  After that he asked the nurses to hook him up. His nurse came over to me afterwards and thanked me for talking to him. Unfortunately he never made it to the surgery. He was a good friend and I will miss him dearly.

It seems bad and there will be times it seems totally overwhelming. Life is so precious. Fight onwards. Embrace life.

[RichardMEL]

GT - great to read that you are feeling more positive about how you can live with dialysis. This is really good to read. Life isn't about Dialysis. Dialysis is about Life. 

[boswife]

deep sigh here..  I can just say im Sooooooooo glad things are a bit better for you..  Lots of life is tough, and you sure got punched at a horrable time, but im just glad your a 'stick it out' kind of guy, and life will once again become what you want it to be.  This 'D' stuff,,,, minor INconvience once you  feel the effects..    And heck, ya always got us here to come to    Hope you even better today :-)