Dialysis and Dating

[vivisfab]

To those of you who are not married...Do you date on dialysis? And if so, how do you approach it?

[RichardMEL]

Well you know funny you should ask. I was at dialysis the other week and one of the nurses made pasta and had organised a young lady to come share it with me. Yes - A DIALYSIS DATE!!!  (she is a fellow dialysis patient who is a good mate of mine - alas it did not happen as the poor thing had to have some bone scans or something ).

OK OK seriously this is like the "sex on dialysis" thread which got all kinds of crazy responses(fun - search for it!)... yeah sure I've dated while on Dialysis. How do I approach it? Not quite sure what you mean - I mean it's a date isn't it? What's dialysis got to do with it? Yeah, I wouldn't schedule a date for after a dialysis session because I can be tired afterwards. Do I talk to potential dates about my dialysis? Well yes and no. I want women I date to know what the deal is because I believe in being up front - but I do NOT want dialysis or kidney failure to rule my life or dating so look sure if someone asks foe details I'll talk about it, but I never want to go on and on and make it all about me, or sound like I want sympathy(I don't! I'm on a date!!! I want... well.. other things  )... I don't put limits on where to go or what to eat etc... just if we go somewhere to eat and I need to limit stuff for me I just do it for me. I did have one awkward evening where the girl I was with, trying to be mega considerate, declared she couldn't possibly have a second cup of coffee in front of me because I wouldn't have one too(cuz of the fluids). I told her it was totally fine with me if she did and I didn't want her to be restricted just because *I* was, but this lead to a bit of an argument and things ended on a bit of a sour note (oh dear)....

Dating can be more difficult with kidney failure/dialysis in the mix, but it's far from impossible. My problem is more than nobody really wants to date me - and thats' got nothing to do with my freaky fistula arm or being on dialysis - it's because I'm a geek!!! 

[Savemeimdtba]

lol richard :p i know PLENTY of ladies who love geeks!! you'll find one... you just gotta know where to look!

[Stacy Without An E]

Dialysis and dating, although beginning with the same letter, have nothing else in common.  I'm tired of being told I'm damaged goods.  I'm tired of the complaining that "we can't go anywhere because of your stupid condition."  I'm tired of being told to "cover up your arm, its so gross."

So congratulations Dialysis.  You win.  I'm done.

[girliekick]

wow stacy
dialysis should win if it is in competition w comments like that.

Im not in love w myself so i find dating to b too scary right now. 

I'd like to have someone to share life w. But i need to feel pretty again and dependable then i think i would be ready to get back in the game.

The other thing they have in common besides starting w the same letter is they r both hard
girl

[Goofy]

Richard, I can't believe you are too geeky to date!  Like  Savemeimdtba said, you just have to look in the right places.

I think you're a stitch!  Geeky or not, you have a great sense of humor and have a great attitude about life!  Now that I'm older, I see that the guys who I thought were "geeky" in my earlies years, have done pretty well for themselves.  So there's a lot to be said about "geeky" people!  If I knew someone who lived where you did, I'd be the first one to tell my single friends that I found a really good guy for them!   

vivisfab, as far as your question goes, I'm too old and have been married too long to give you any advice!!  But I believe there is someone out there for everyone.

[monrein]

I fully agree with you about Richard, Goofy.  I'm definitely on the lookout for a nice Australian girl tourist in Toronto from Melbourne and I'll be recommending him highly.
Besides, hasn't Bill Gates made geeky the new super cool???

[vivisfab]

That's true girliekick, dating is hard and dialysis just makes it worse...I really hope there is someone out there for everyone.

[RightSide]

My own experience is this:

Being on dialysis is not necessarily a turnoff for most women.

But being depressed about being on dialysis, is.

No woman wants to be around a guy who's a weepy, whiny grouch.
Like I am right now.   

[RichardMEL]

lol thanks girls for the compliments.. you're all so kind!!!

 

Stacy (without an E) - I can't believe you've been told to cover up your "gross" arm???! I've NEVER had that.. I've had a few ask me if it hurts, or what it's like...and I've had fun freaking a few out with my thrill.. maybe the ones I've dated are too polite to tell me to put it away.. but if one did I'd just tell them I can't (you know, no tight/heavy clothing over a fistula) and more than that I don't *care* about it. If someone wants to think it's gross, or I'm clearly doing drugs or something... thats THEIR problem in my view. I dress for comfort (both mine and my fistula) not for someone else! I can't believe though that people would be so rude to say it to you though!! Not worth dating I reckon!

RightSide - GREAT POINT !!!! 

if you want to focus on dialysis or what's wrong and go on about woe is me and that.. that WOULD be a turn off!! Absolutely. That's why I try to not talk about it. Sure, if someone asks, but i'm not going to sit with someone I like and go on and on about my disease or dialysis or whatever... apart from the fact that it's dull and mostly negative... nobody likes to go on a date with someone that can only talk about themselves all the time!!! Let alone themselves and how life sucks for them! Hardly going to put someone in the mood for a good date (let alone anything else!). It's part of my life sure... I don't shy away from that, but as I always say it doesn't run my life or rule it. I'd rather be chatting up the girl then going on about needles, machines and fluid restrictions!!

[Plip]

Girliekick...you totally have my heart...nice cath (is that appropriate pick up line? LOL! ) Back to topic...

I was just starting to date when this speedbump came along, she lasted for like a month, things were progressing, then natural selection came along and hiked a leg, she bumped into her ex ( way younger, as was she ) and with hopefully a lot more life in him than me...that was that. I work in nursing, so I'm fortunate to be around loads of beautiful women all day, but it causes issues. First, dating coworkers is, in fact, a bad idea  . Second, they're all nurses, so the know what they're looking at when they see me. Third, I don't get out much, except treatment ( again with with the nurses and caregiver/patient headaches ).

I have this unique problem...apparently I still look about 10 years younger than I am...and I look like an indestructable outdoorsy sportmans type. Although I feel half dead most of the time, people are so mistaken, and either I get hit on by 22 year olds who bail when I discuss more than the newest band or weather. Or I attract the over possesive psycho stalkers who want to portray Julia Roberts from dying young LOL ! Not giving up on dating, but it would be nice to have a really close partner in crime to spend some of my waking downtime with.

I keep seeing ppl talk about rstricted travelling on here. I don't know, I only restrict activities based on energy levels. Wasn't big on more than long weekends anyways. Never was shy about medical gear or limitations, I answer questions when they pop up, but I've never made it the focus of trying to start a relationship. Like I've said before, if someone has a problem with a bottle of meds, a poofy vein or some gear dangling from your chest...who needs that kind of problem ( person ) anyways. They've obviously got issues 

DATE ON ! Rampage on the populace I say !

[girliekick]

*blush*

[RichardMEL]

So you should blush girliekick hun. If I was 10 years younger, a whole lot better looking and a whole lot closer.......

 

[Phraxis]

I agree with the underlying tone that "dating and D" has more to do with what is going on within you than the realities. I mean people find love in hospitals all the time, don't they?

My own experience has been that I spent last year (went on D in January, was fortunate enough to receive a kidney in Sept, and still healing but feeling/recovering quite well) 'shut down'. I retreated behind a wall of family and one close friend. It is the later that relates. We were friends before I went down but objectively drifitng by apparent mutual consent.  Then when I came out of the hospital and the WALL my family put up around me, she set about to 'distract me' all the while protecting me. I was a little cognitively impaired so it took me a while but eventually I came to understand that mini golf, bingo etc were more about being not D then a fulfillment of her lifelong ambition to master the putter. :-)

We always had fun but it was never going to develop further. Now in fairness the two people that I was could not be more dramatic -- think a benevolent Gordon Gekko from Wall Street to a zen based rose gardener -- so I cannot really blame her for taking a step back to figure out what was coming next. She remains very dear to me, and there may be more to the story but I will not suggest to you that D did not change my outlook on romance but I am not ready to surrender it along with sushi (since transplant -- no sushi for me)

I believe it remains to project yourself into the world and people will respond, and if love does come it remains to treasure it for the precious gift that it is.

[cdwbrooklyn]

When I first was told that I would have to do "D", I thought to myself that no one would want to be with me.  I've hidden my treatments from everyone.  If someone asked me about it, I would curse him or her out to the point that person would not speak to me for days, months, etc.

As time went on, I started to feel more comfortable about being on "D" and realized it was not that bad after all.  I am doing well on it.  So, after five years into "D" and counseling about my treatment and feelings,  I started to date again.  Still kind of hide my treatments but I am more comfortable now then when I first got on it.   I've meet three guys who did not want to deal with it after I got enough courage to tell them (Yes, I was hurt but I moved on) but most guys did not care one bit because they really like me and that give me more hope and confidence. 

Also, I agree that some women/men are not turn off by you being on dialysis, they are turn off by the complaining and lack of confidence toward you being on dialysis.

So, should you date while on "D"?   HECK YEAH!!!




   

[RichardMEL]

Good on you cdw!!! five years is a long tme with dialysis!! I think you make a great point that most people are less worried about the condition than the complaining. People don't like to be confronted by stuff like this. If you deal with them on a basis where that stuff isn't always coming up then it's easier for them and probably doesn't come into consideration (and the guys who couldn't handle it.. well they're not worth your time anyway!!). I know I had one girlfriend I was with for a couple of years and I didn't talk about D much. Yeah, a fact of my life, but I tried to not go on about it an act normally and she was cool until I actually took her to the unit one day (she had expressed an interest).. and she kind of freaked out and dumped me soon thereafter.. I am not sure if the two events were that closely linked(she never really bothered to tell me why... she cut contact ) but I do wonder if actually seeing the reality of the machines, needles and blood was a big issue for her. Meh.. it's part of my life and anyone I'm with has to understand that. I don't expect someone to deal with those issues, or worry about my restrictions and stuff(that's my job!).. I'd like some understanding of stuff - like you do get tired, can't always do stuff etc.. and in general I've had that with women I've dated. I don't shove it down their throats.. I answer questions when asked, and I'm honest about it - specially if it could affect plans or something, but I don't try and say "oh I can't do this because of dialysis" more "oh, I've got dialysis then.. can we go another time?" or something.

Heck half the women I've dated have issues of their own - either medical, or emotional, or whatever... so it's not like I'm the only one out there dealing with stuff.

[cdwbrooklyn]

Thanks RichardMel for knowing what it's like.  However, I don't think I would take my date or allow him to come to my dialysis unit.  It can be very depressing and cause him to walk away.  I would tell him that no one is allow in the unit unless he or she is getting treatment.  Those are the rules.  However, I would let him know he can wait for me outside as I will be done in 3 1/2 hour if he wishes to wait or come back to get me.  Thank goodness I drive so I don't really need him to come and pick me up.

Also, I don't talk about dialysis to my date.  I told him that I'm at a meeting three times a week for 3 1/2 hours.  I will eventually tell him if things get serious but will still keep dialysis a distance from him. 
 
 

     

[RichardMEL]

Thanks RichardMel for knowing what it's like.  However, I don't think I would take my date or allow him to come to my dialysis unit.  It can be very depressing and cause him to walk away.  I would tell him that no one is allow in the unit unless he or she is getting treatment.  Those are the rules.  However, I would let him know he can wait for me outside as I will be done in 3 1/2 hour if he wishes to wait or come back to get me.  Thank goodness I drive so I don't really need him to come and pick me up.

Also, I don't talk about dialysis to my date.  I told him that I'm at a meeting three times a week for 3 1/2 hours.  I will eventually tell him if things get serious but will still keep dialysis a distance from him. 

 
As I said, I took her to the unit because she expressed an interest in seeing it and knowing what it was all about. As it happens the machine wasn't ready for me so she only saw others on the machine not me. We had been dating over 2 years at this stage, so I didn't see any reason to hide it from her. I mean she had an idea what it was all about, and frankly if she was going to date me long term it's not something I would *want* to hide - because it's part of my life at the moment.

I definitely understand you wanting to wait to share about dialysis with someone you're seeing at the early stages - it's a difficult one and there's no right way to do it I think. For me, I am an open sort of person so I tend to share earlier (I guess my view is I'd rather not start to get involved or my hopes up if they're going to freak out and run off - so I'd rather know earlier) and I think it's fair to them so they get to decide if it's something they want to get into - let's say we'd been dating for six months and I finally say "hey you know those bumps on my arm with the needle holes you always wonder about? Well there's something you need to know..." - well they could get upset for having something major like that hidden from them. It's one of those almost catch-22 situations. In the end I feel you need to handle it in the best way that YOU are comfortable with.

Hey the good news is - you're dating!! WOOOHOO!