Why me? (probably not what you think)

[marti824]

I've been thinking about this for a while, and don't really know how to start it.  Over the past three years, I've been through a lot of medical stuff (I've posted about it before) and, I can swear that I've never asked why me.
MY attitude has always been, why not me?  I figured that God wouldn't have handed me all of these problems if he didn't think i could handle them.

Lately, I've been asking why me? Over the past two months I've attended too many funerals.  I've lost a niece at 6 years old, a cousin, a very close friend and an old boss.  So why me?  Why am I still here?  Why does a man that has never smoked a day in his life, exercised regularly and played basketball every day until he was sixty-three, die of lung cancer?  Why does a innocent child of 6 die of cancer?  Why am I still here, doing my dialysis every other day, battling with the transplant center, trying to get listed, it seems like they always need, "just one more thing", battling with potential donors, all of whom seem to live outside the united states.

I'm tired.  I'd like to be able to do some of the things I used to do before I got sick.  I'd like to be able to come home after dialysis and get some housework done, instead of going to sleep for four hours.  Is there any body out there that actually wants to do house work?  I'd like to be able to go on a cruise without it costing me four times the price. Or, even plan a trip without having to work around a dialysis schedule.  When I had breast cancer, and I still worked, i used to drive a total of 125 miles a day between home work and radiation, and I didn't care.  Now I care.  I'm tired.  But, do I want the alternative? do i want to put my family through my funeral, probably not.  Do I want to leave my 10 year old son with my lunatic relatives?  definitely not!

I just wonder why I'm still here.  What does the Man upstairs have in store for me that he hasn't already thrown at me?  It's probably something really good, because he's putting me through one hell of a test!
Thanks for listening everybody. I needed to vent.

[looneytunes]

Hi Marti.  Sounds like a tough time for you.  I sure hope things look brighter to you tomorrow. 

I believe God has a plan for each one of us.  And many times I have racked my brain to see if I can come up with what He has in mind for me.  Or my spouse.  What lesson am I supposed to learn or what service am I supposed to give?  Darned if I can figure it out.

But I think you hit it with your comment about your son.  Lunatic relatives.....no way does he deserve that after the loving parent you have been for him.   Keep up the good fight, Marti.  And here's a hug for you! 

[dwcrawford]

I think loony hit the nail on the head so to speak and I think you answered your question in the last sentence of the third paragraph.  When I started reading your post I thought it was going to be a real "downer", but it was actually inspirational.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts...  hey by the say, lucky ten year old.

[Goofy]

Your post actually make me smile when you said you didn't want to leave your son with your "lunatic" relatives.  I would actually feel the same way!  Now my kids are 32 and 29, so at least that's one less thing to worry about.  Although I still worry about them and them about me.

I wish I could say something profound and "poof" you'll be feeling better but I can't.  I can only say a prayer that things get better for you.  Times like this, we need to just take one day at a time and focus on the good things we have to look forward to.  I know, easier said then done.  Hang in there.  There are brighter days ahead.

[Rerun]

You are still here to put your arm around someone who has yet to go through what you have been through.  You are still here to comfort someone who needs you.

                               

[marti824]

thanks everyone.

[LightLizard]

there's no answer to that question. there is no 'man upstairs' outside of fantasy, so the sooner you give up that notion, the sooner you'll find the answers you need.

[Stoday]

You're cruel, Lightlizard.

Some people can't accept that the only reason they're here is to create the next generation, after which they are redundant. Why kick away the prop they create to give meaning to a meaningless remaining existance?

[Hanify]

Good on you for being so honest Marti.  Stick to your guns and believe what you want to.  LL you must sooooooo be hoping you're right and everyone else is wrong.  Why would you pop someone's hope balloon as it were?  How would it help Marti to lose faith at this time?

[marti824]

Hanify, it would take a lot more than that to make me lose my faith.  but, to each his own.

[Hanify]

When I was at my sickest (last year) I couldn't sing cos of lung problems.  I discovered that a lot of my faith is actually wrapped around music and singing at church.  I found it didn't give me the support I usually felt until I could sing again.  Luckily I believe that whatever God is, would understand.  So for a while there I really thought I had lost my faith, but I discovered I'd just lost my voice ha ha.

[billybags]

marti824, Just read your post, I think you have vented for all of us. I found your post very poetic. I believe we all think this. I am retired and had a good life up till now. I really feel for you young ones that have children. The things that must be going through your head. You sound positive, ok pissed off ,but there you go.