Kidneys have failed

[gabby70]

   Can someone please give me some advice! My grandmother is 80 years old, her kidneys have shut down and she is refusing dialysis. She also has congestive heart failure and diabetes. She was sent home on hospice care so I am now taking care of her at home and it is tearing me up watching her go through this and knowing that dialysis might at least help her a little but she keeps refusing it. She tells me that she is ready to go anytime god is ready for her. She also has a diagnosis of dementia but my hands are tied due to her advanced directives saying do not rescusitate and she specified no dialysis. Are there things that I can do to make her more comfortable? She is eating and drinking a very small amount each day and that is because i insist. The amount that she is taking in could not keep anyone alive! She went for 3 days without taking anything in and that was when i insisted that she at least try to eat a little. She says that everything is very sweet. At night she talks incoherently all night long and she is short of breath whenever she talks. Can anyone please give me some advice I drastically need it ! Thank you to everyone!



Edited :  Fixed smiley error - paris, Moderator

[thegrammalady]

let her know how much you love her. unfortunately with the advanced directives there isn't really anything you can do. if she were in a facility rather than at home they wouldn't even make her eat.keep her as comfortable as you can and honor her decisions.  as sad as it is it sounds like she has made her decision. i know this isn't really what you wanted to hear, sorry. most of us on dialysis fight like hell, but not everyone.

[Wenchie58]

Awww I know how you're feeling, I had the same with my grandmother many years ago.  Sounds like she has made her peace with God.  Spend all the time you can with her, let her know you're there and you love her.  Its what she needs from you right now, comfort and unconditional love.  My thoughts are with you.

[G-Ma]

Sorry, but I'm on grandma's side...80 years old and with the other conditions.  She has hopefully lived a good long life and sounds like she is ready to move on.  I would hope her Dr's are giving her whatever she needs to be comfortable.  Is there a hospice nurse that comes in to see her?  That is what I would want if I were 80 and ill.  I'm happy you are so concerned and caring for her and I'm sure she appreciates that as well.  Thank you for all of us who need help at times.
Ann

[kitkatz]

Honor her requests and decisions.  Have the Hospice people in to help you as you need it.  Good luck and hugs! 

[RightSide]

I feel so sorry for what you're going through.

But in life, each one of us must make our own decisions about our life.

Your grandmother seems to have made her decision, with her directives, and wants to leave the rest in the hands of God.  Please respect her wishes, no matter how hard it may seem for you. 

[Joe Paul]

My heart goes out to you as well. Stay strong, and like the others said, enjoy her while you can and make her as comfortable as possible. And please take care of yourself too 

[Mimi]

It is so hard to stand by and watch a loved one die.  I know because I watched and cared for my Mother as much as I could.  She did not want to be taken to the hospital and put on machines.  She quit eating and it got where if we insisted she eat a little she would throw it back up.  It was heartbreaking but in the end she got her way and I know I did the right thing, tho
at the time I thought I would never get over it.  Try and give her any comfort you can and let her know that you love her in spite of her decision.
My prayers are with you.  It will be hard, but it can be done.  Please keep in touch and let us know how it is going.

Love, Mimi
  

[RichardMEL]

Gee Gabby that's a tough situation for you and your family to be in. However it seems that your grandmother has made it very clear how she feels on the matter and it's her life and I personally believe her choice to make. It sounds like she's had enough of life in terms that she's lived a full life and she has so much going on medically that as she says she's ready to go. I realise this is a very difficult situation for everyone around her who love her and care about her.

I will relate a personal story here because I feel it is relevant. My mother suffered from a seriously bad pneumonia brought on by a DVT that caused an embolism in her lungs making it hard for her to breathe. Because of that they could not operate on the pneumonia and the super strong antibiotics they had to use to kill off the infection also started to shut down her liver and kidneys. This obviously was a real catch-22 situation. I was there the day she turned to her doctors and said "That's enough. end the treatment" - she was at peace with her decision and she wanted to end her life with some dignity and on her terms. Like your grandmother she had long told us over years she didn't want to be hooked to a machine to live  - or rather "exist" as she put it and she didn't want to be propped up as a living vegetable. That was nearly 3 years ago now. She lived around 2 and a half weeks after she stopped the treatment but those weeks were so precious. We got friends and people in. She had drinks with us. She told us what SHE wanted (eg: funeral, and later) etc. I cannot talk highly enough to the strength of will of my mother in such a horrible  and difficult situation.

I think about the feelings all of us had during those times and feel I can relate in a way to how you must be feeling and how difficult it is. I think what is important now is to support your grandmother as much as you can. I don't know what to suggest in terms of food etc but your support is best and respecting her decision I think is vital. What she wouldn't want or need now is people telling her she should be going on dialysis or should be doing this or that. It certainly sounds like she's lucid enough to have made a binding decision of her wishes and just going on about it won't help anyone I feel. Yes, absolutely, dialysis would most likely help her to live longer and with a better life.. but if she has the other issues and as she says she's "ready to go" - she may just have had enough and doesn't want to fight anymore. That's heartbreaking I understand but I think it shows someone who has some control over their lives.. orr rather WANTS to have some control over her life and live it with some dignity.

All our wishes are with you and your family at this very difficult time.

 

[Hilrose]

My heart goes out to you,

Try to accept her wishes, I understand it must be hard but give her all you can.

One Love
H

[monrein]

Gabby, by caring so much and loving your grandmother as you do, you are already doing the best, most important "life"-sustaining things you can.  Her decision sounds like a very wise one in many ways, given her age and her health issues.  The not wanting to eat goes along with the advanced kidney failure and as others have said, what you should do is be sure to keep telling her how much you love her, how much you'll miss her and how she'll always have a special place in your heart.  She's tired and her desire for peace from suffering is completely normal. 

How lucky she is to have you as her grand daughter.  Very grand indeed.   

[rose1999]

I agree with all everyone here has said.  Just let your Grandmother  have things her way, be  there for her.  She knows she is loved - talk with her, laugh with her when you can and cry when you need - but always know that you are the best, most caring grand daughter she could have had - I wish everyone would have someone like you to support then when it's time to go.  God bless you and your Grandmother 

[paris]

     Sending loving thoughts

[kitkatz]

I would like to go with the love ad respect of my family without machines. You are doing the right things by bringing love to her last days! 

[Lucinda]

Hey darling.  I know what you are going through but you need to accept your Gran's wishes.  My Dad died of renal failure last year aged 77 and I thought I could will him to keep going on and get better but he was determined to go and we had to respect his wishes when he didn't want to continue with dialysis.  It is a very distressing time but if your Gran has the right medication and medical assistance then she should leave this world very peacefully as my father did.  I am really sorry you are going through this and I send lots of love to you at this time. xx 

[thegrammalady]

 

[pelagia]

It has all been said, very well indeed.

[paddbear0000]

There's nothing more I can add to what everyone has said, so I'll just offer my      .

[Mizar]

It is very Hard. Just be there for Her. Sit with Her, Talk to Her, Read to Her, Watch TV with Her, even if she seems like She is unaware of these things. She knows You are there and doing the Best Job You can and Trust me, You are.

[Kitsune]

Gabby,

I am with the others on this one. As painful as it is for you, let your grandmother die with some dignity instead of making her suffer through dialysis when she is barely coherent and in a heap of pain. She made that decision when she was able and now you must respect it. Do not force her to eat or drink, as she has made it clear she does not want to, and it is her body. Other than that, enjoy the time you do have with her, and show her love and understanding. Dialysis is a very hard, grueling process that she might not even survive in the state she is in, and all you will get out of trying to override her Advance Directive is a very unhappy situation that will lead you nowhere (the courts always honor Advance Directives if made by people when they are of sound mind and body, which is the only way you can write one up.) and even possibly make you feel worse than if you had just done what she wanted. Sorry it is this way, but it is what it is and you just have to deal with it the best way you know how.  to you and Granny.

[aharris2]

Do not force her to eat or drink, as she has made it clear she does not want to, and it is her body.

Gabby, I am sorry that you and your family are going through this. I second what Kitsune said. Many years ago my mother passed on under hospice care. She too was unwilling/unable to eat or drink. The hospice nurse explained it to me that that was the body's way of shutting down and it eased the pain. I am not sure that I understand that, perhaps your grandmother's nurse can explain it to you.

I am a proponent of life. That said, if you know that your grandmother really does not want to fight that fight, respect her wishes.

[jessup]

 
my love and thoughts to you and your gran

[rookiegirl]

It's been almost 2 years since my Mother passed away due to lung cancer.  She was in Hospice Home for 3 weeks and I visited and spent several nights there taking care of her.  My mother was only 56 years old and never smoked in her life.  She had the same wishes as your grandmother.  My Mom was in so much pain and made peace with God.  She was ready to go.  I know how hard it was for me to just sit back and watch.  But, I emphasize to what she was going through.  Now there is no more pain and she is at rest.

I miss her everyday.  I'm sending you prayers and love.  

~RG