Funny dialysis stories.

[kitkatz]

I am looking for the amusing tale.  And with your permission, if you share it, I would like to use it in a speech for a Toastmaster's contest.  Any amusing things.

The one I can remember is the lady who sat down in the chair, put up her legs and the chair tipped her over on her head.

[okarol]

A petite, older woman named Maggie came in to dialysis and stepped on the big floor scale to be weighed. She was behind where I was standing and I heard her shriek loudly. I turned around and saw that the scale (large digital readout on the wall) said she weighed 280 lbs. I thought she was going to faint dead away - but then she spotted another patient standing nearby, moving his foot away from the scale. She took off after him as he was laughing hysterically. She was mad but laughing too (and relieved - her normal weight was probably about 150 - that's a lot of fluid!)

[peleroja]

Does it have to be about hemo, or can it be about PD? 

[del]

Stepping on the scale behind someone is something like hubby would do!!  He did it a couple of times at his unit!!! 

[del]

The first day our neighbour went to the dialysis unit with hubby ( when I went back to school in Sept)  there was a new patient supposed to start. Cyril went in the unit with hubby just to see what it was like - only about 20 patient's there then so you were allowed to visit.  Cyril was just standing there looking around when one of the nurse's came and took him by the arm and said come with me and let's get you weighed.  Cyril was always one for a joke so he let her take him to the scales. One of the other nurses happened to notice. She said "what are you doing Anne that's Walt's buddy you're weighing.  She thought it was the new patient. Cyril wasn't going to tell her he was just a visitor until she had him in the chair ready to put the needles in. That nurse was teased a lot about that.  Almost everytime when Walt saw her taking a patient to be weighed he asked her if she had checked to see if the  person was actually a patient!!

[petey]

Most of the patients at Marvin's clinic (when he was in-center) are elderly and live in the nursing home; very few drove (or had someone else drive them there).  Marvin always drove.  One day (and this was years ago), he had to come off to go to the bathroom before his treatment was done.  As the bathroom was on the other side of the lobby (why do they put it there?), he walked through the lobby and spoke to all of the patients waiting to go on or waiting for a ride (ambulance) back to the nursing home.  One older lady that he knew for years was there, and she said, "Marvin, I've been waiting for my ride for almost an hour.  I am so, so tired.  When you get ready to go home, will you give me a ride?"  Marvin told her he would.  This lady had been on his "shift" for a year or so, and he knew her.  He rarely got to talk to her anymore as they moved her across the floor and at the other end from him, and she ran a much shorter run than he did. 

So Marvin goes to the bathroom, and then goes back in to finish his treatment.  After about 20 minutes, he came off the machine (and had a perm cath then so he didn't have to "hold the site") and gathered his pillow, blanket, headphones, etc.  When he got the lobby, there was that pitiful older lady still waiting for her ride home.

"I'm so tired, and I'm ready to go home," the older lady told him.  Marvin said he decided to do his "good deed" for the day.  He gathered up her stuff, helped her to his car, and put her walker in the trunk.  Then, he took her to the nursing home (we live in a small town -- everybody knows everybody else).  When he got her to the nursing home, he offered to walk her to her room, but she said she had it.  He opened the front door and made sure she was in the building.  Marvin drove away feeling really good about himself -- he had kept a little old lady from having to sit, sit, sit and wait on her ride.

About half way to our house, Marvin's cell rang.  It was the clinic.  They wanted to know if he had taken Miss Eloise back to the nursing home.  "Yes, I did," Marvin said.  "The poor thing was sitting there waiting.  She said she was so tired.  I felt so sorry for her because I know what it's like to come off the machine and want to just go home and rest.  I know I'm not supposed to do that because of liability issues, but I just couldn't leave her there."

"Marvin," the nurse said, "today was Miss Eloise's first day on second shift.  She hadn't had her treatment yet!"

[okarol]

 

[Mercurial]

My second run ever is funny in retrospect.  It was my first run on the outpatient floor and went...poorly.  I had a Hickman in that looked a bit too red at the site, so they ordered up some vancomycin to be delivered via IV during the run.  About 30 seconds after it hit the lines, I turned bright red from head to toe and started itching like few living people have itched before (redman syndrome for those curious).  YEOW!  At that point I became the sideshow nurse magnet of the moment while they drew up 75 mg of benadryl to counteract effect...  Whee, that stoned me out of my mind and caused a hallucination that made it look like someone was moving two window screens in front of my face before putting me to sleep.  I'm not sure how long into the run this happened, but the latch that controls the lean of the chair slipped and and dumped me head-down at a very uncomfortable angle.  Not the best wake-up I've ever had...  Of course, I had to wonder what the hell I had gotten into.

[kellyt]

My second run ever is funny in retrospect.  It was my first run on the outpatient floor and went...poorly.  I had a Hickman in that looked a bit too red at the site, so they ordered up some vancomycin to be delivered via IV during the run.  About 30 seconds after it hit the lines, I turned bright red from head to toe and started itching like few living people have itched before (redman syndrome for those curious).  YEOW!  At that point I became the sideshow nurse magnet of the moment while they drew up 75 mg of benadryl to counteract effect...  Whee, that stoned me out of my mind and caused a hallucination that made it look like someone was moving two window screens in front of my face before putting me to sleep.  I'm not sure how long into the run this happened, but the latch that controls the lean of the chair slipped and and dumped me head-down at a very uncomfortable angle.  Not the best wake-up I've ever had...  Of course, I had to wonder what the hell I had gotten into.

Ha ha   The fact that you even went back for your third treatment is amazing! 

[twirl]

  kitkatz 

I wrote this on another post but my first treament was on a Halloween day and my tech was dressed as a vampire..
I thought I was going to pass out....


did you ever hear about the contest you won or entered
what about your kidney poster

flip has a funny story about something he did in dailysis---- a prank with the clamps-- I think- it was funny








EDITED: Smiley tag error- kitkatz-moderator

[frankenarm]

I started dialysis (again) in feb, but they did the first few runs in the hospital seeing as I was inpatient and well, thats when they put the cath in. My first run at my (outpatient) center, I was doing all the prelimanary crap, paperwork, run through, meeting people, well during the paperwork I wasnt feeling very well or balanced. I passed out. Right there on the conference room floor in the middle of all my paperwork singing. I hadnt even been on the machine yet!
Granted I hadnt really eaten in three weeks and I was still sick. But it certainly made an impression on the staff. Everyone heard about it and knew who I was right away!

[G-Ma]

frankenarm..as someone who used to work in ER, that's a great way to make an impression.  petey...somehow I knew how this was going to turn out as I almost did that for someone when I was in center...one of the other patients mentioned that the person had not been in yet or I would have been toooo red.

[kitkatz]

Does it have to be about hemo, or can it be about PD? 

If it is about dialysis share away.

[kevno]

You remember the Bee story when two nurses got covered in my Blood! Not funny at time. But funny now.

[KICKSTART]

Sorry i dont have any funny stories , but you guys are fantastic .All that we face and you can still find something to laugh about ! 

[Jess21]

You remember the Bee story when two nurses got covered in my Blood! Not funny at time. But funny now.

Kevno- a few weeks ago the tech pulled out my buttonhole needle that wasn't working, and my blood shot a good 4 feet across the center.  I thought about your story at that moment.  But my blood missed the nurse standing there by a few inches.


But anyway, my funny dialysis story...
There's a couple techs at my center than are always playing jokes on each other.  any anyway, most of the people on my shift are elderly and are either sleeping or not paying attention.  Well one night, after different jokes back and forth, I was the last one there cause my bp had dropped.  Well, tech A had to use the bathroom.  Tech B sneaks over towards the bathroom, gets a LADDER, puts it against the door and pushes against it, trying not to laugh.  The charge nuse, watching, says "you know if you hurt yourself you not getting money from getting hurt at work!" About a min later, Tech A was done doing his buisness, and from the rest of the actions that shift knew B was standing outside, so he puts water in his hands to splash B when he opens the door.  Of course, you hear him try to open the door...silence for a few seconds....tries again...about 10 seconds later B couldn't stop laughing and let him out, followed by A chasing B down the hallway.

[skyedogrocks]

Rob has this new, super fast natural graft in his upper arm, this thing can really pump some blood.  About a month ago Rob's session wasn't going so well, he was still getting used to putting the venous needle in.  Well, he didn't put a wing on it for some reason (stupid!) and the needle was starting to pull out.  This is at a speed of 400, so it was moving pretty good.  He calls for me and I see it is now about to fall out and blood is everywhere.  Well, I wasn't thinking right and I didn't want him to infiltrate his access, so I pulled the needle out.     Not a good thing to do!  I also forgot to shut the machine off.  Blood was spurting like a geyser from his arm.  Rob's voice went up about 50 octaves, I was FREAKING out.  He grabs the gauze, puts it on, I shut the machine off and dispose of the needle.  I'm covered in blood, Rob's covered in blood and our floor is covered in blood.  We get everything situated and then I'm off to dry heave, the smell of blood makes me extremely nauseous.

Rob has been doing home hemo for 1 1/2 years, so it's not like we were new to it.  I just freaked for some reason and didn't have my head on.  Poor Rob was just sitting there in shock.  We laugh about it now, I especially laugh when I think of how high Rob's voice got.  It was like he was going through puberty again!  God help us if CSI ever comes to our house, Rob's DNA is everywhere in our family room!   

[twirl]

a tech told me this story
there was a lady patient at D and she went to the cafeteria - we have D in the Conroe Hospital
- she was in line and her pants fell off
- she said thank God she wore panties that day
she was a very funny lady

[stauffenberg]

My renal failure was caused by vasculitis, which can affect almost any organ in the body, and I was initially treated in the vasculitis ward of the hospital.  Across from me was another patient, John, whose vasculitis had suddenly attacked his feet while he was out walking on London.  He stumbled to a park bench in total agony, and began screaming and waving his arms at people passing by to get their attention and help, since he could no longer walk.  They all just ran away from him, until someone called the police, who came to arrest him for drunk and disorderly conduct, which at least gave him a chance to explain and to get a ride to the hospital.

By the time he got to the hospital, the vasculitis had attacked his brain, so the 15-minute story he told the attending physician from his bed was totally made-up, with long stories about his wife and two children, Arther and Mary, although in fact he was unmarried and had no children.  The next day he was interviewed again after he had recovered a bit, and the attending nephrologist didn't know what to say when John denied his story from the day before.  I had heard both stories and was also confused.

That night John yelled out to me that if I didn't get up and close the window next to my bed, he was going to come over and kill me, since we were in "wild Indian country" (central London) and it was dangerous to leave the window at night open.

The next day John told a newly arrived nephrologist from Sri Lanka, who knew nothing about life in London and was obviously suffering culture shock, that men were breaking in the doors of the ward during the night, and that the police should be called to stop them.  The nephrologist wrote down all the details and promised to call for help, which he did.

John finally wrapped up his blackened feet in tissue paper and began heading for the exit, determined to release himself from the hospital if the doctors wouldn't do it for him, but he collapsed en route and was finally taken to the psychiatric ward.

[terry3004]

This happened shortly after I started doing NxStage at home.

I was in the process of pulling my needles when I guess I didn't hold my venous long enough.  I was holding my arterial side as my venous band-aid started to balloon.  I called my wife to get some gauze to put pressure on it.  She folded up a piece of 4x4 and started going after the site.  I was about to tell her to go slow when she slams the gauze on the band-aid, which caused the blood that was pooled under the band-aid to squirt out...in two directions.  Once squirt went right to my face and the other went right at her.  She freaked out for a minute, then we both started laughing, followed by her apologizing to me for the next 30 minutes.

Needless to say, next time this happened, she was very gentle with the gauze.

[twirl]

I just remembered this
my huband was with me and I was getting shot for the first time
two of his ex students who were football players were there as students from the science academy
I told them it was okay for them to watch
I thought one of them was going to faint
they both are going to be doctors
they had never seen anyone get stuck before
turned out they knew my son, and told him he had a brave mom
Allen was a sophomore on the senior team