How do you let go? (Not having kids; dialysis or tx)

[Simon Dog]

1) I've given up any hope of extensive foreign travel

May I ask why?

Your situation is different from mine since you are on D.  As a transplant patient, I have to be concerned about two things: (1) Getting foreign bugs, and (2) Navigating a foreign medical system if I get sick.   I never had interest in Europe, but my employer did send me to India.  Sparing the details, I was concerned that some TSA goon would accost me for spending so much time in the airplane restroom on the way back and my wife demanded I get tested for intestinal parisites.

I have no issues with domestic travel (except perhaps to Flint, Michigan) because we are a "safe to drink tapwater" country and I know a decent amount about the US medical system, and there is at least some accountability on the part of the MDs.

I would not hesitate to go to Canada, eh? as it is a first rate civilized country.

I might feel differently if foreign travel was important to me, but it isn't.

[enginist]

"Losing my dog was a far more difficult emotional hit than starting D."

Simon, that is a very interesting comparison.  We all know the strength of the human-canine bond, but I never considered that it could make dialysis more tolerable.  Maybe I could make a deal with the devil.  I'll do D, if that time comes, in exchange for a dog.  The dogs are out there, but the trick is that I live in a no-dog building, and the arrangement is just too good to leave.

You should give it some thought, UT.  You're feeling bereft in your childless state, but a dog is a good substitute.  And I'm not being flippant.  Dogs have the mentality of a two- or three-year-old.  Give a good one a fair chance and it will steal your heart.  Just make sure it attaches to you, and only secondarily to your husband.

[Alexysis]

1) I've given up any hope of extensive foreign travel

May I ask why?  Except for money, there really isn't a reason you can't travel.  I try to go somewhere every year.  Last year was Philadelphia, next is Denver, and yes, for me this is foreign travel, as I'm Canadian.  I also hope to go to Bermuda at some point, and I really want to take a cruise.  All of this can be done, it just takes a bit of extra research and planning.

Because Medicare pays NOTHING towards treatments outside of the US. I live only 60 miles from the Canadian border, but have done no visitation other than a couple of day trips. I used to travel all across the eastern half of Canada, but can't do that anymore. I'd love another weekend trip to Montreal, but I'd have to get back really quickly for treatment in the US.

[Riki]

1) I've given up any hope of extensive foreign travel

May I ask why?  Except for money, there really isn't a reason you can't travel.  I try to go somewhere every year.  Last year was Philadelphia, next is Denver, and yes, for me this is foreign travel, as I'm Canadian.  I also hope to go to Bermuda at some point, and I really want to take a cruise.  All of this can be done, it just takes a bit of extra research and planning.

Because Medicare pays NOTHING towards treatments outside of the US. I live only 60 miles from the Canadian border, but have done no visitation other than a couple of day trips. I used to travel all across the eastern half of Canada, but can't do that anymore. I'd love another weekend trip to Montreal, but I'd have to get back really quickly for treatment in the US.

For the record, Canadian Medicare doesn't pay for medical treatment of any kind outside of the country either.  I pay upfront for my dialysis treatments in the US.  I do get a set amount reimbursement when I get back, but it usually doesn't cover the whole amount

[UkrainianTracksuit]

My apologies for getting back to this so late. Work has been insane and non-stop. Some days, I worked from 5 in the morning to 11 at night. And then, I had another transplant check-up out of town, so not sure where my mind went.

After all this time thinking about the original topic, I am pretty okay about it now. There are times when I get pangs of feelings (like if I see something related) and I have to admit I was a bit upset to hear of a liver tx recipient getting pregnant. I wish her all the best, but I just felt down in the dumps for a bit.

My husband and I are discussing our future though. Like, what do we really want? After Putin’s state of the nation speech with constitutional changes, my husband isn’t too keen about his desire to move back. Naturally, more announcements to increase the birthrate just made me wonder if I even have a place in the country - at all! I would probably be viewed as a sponge that takes, takes, takes but doesn’t contribute. Who needs to deal with that?

As for a dog, we’ve seriously considered it, but it’s the lifespan issue that bothers us. I’m open to adopting any shelter dog, but my husband wants a Russian dog. There are puppies from Chernobyl that he’s waiting on to be available for adoption again, but there are so many from other shelters over there that look so sweet. We are trying to figure out the logistics of the last leg of transit for a dog to our town...

My husband is playing ice hockey and taken up to speed skating again. So, kids aren’t on his mind and it’s still “it is what it is.”

I got so angry though at one of our local renal nurses though. She said, “well, you should have had kids before dialysis then.”

Meanwhile, at stage 3, the doctors already told me to be careful in that regard. I could have slapped her to high heaven!

Finally, I’m seeing a therapist or a life coach or whatever it is. It sounds so cheesy but I need to redefine who I am or what a “woman” is. So, instead of focusing on the drilled in “mother” narrative, I need to find the other roles I play that are just as important.

Hey kidneys... so far away from our brains, but affecting them all the same.

Thanks to those that contributed valuable feedback and views.

[MooseMom]

Thank you for the update.

Putin's state of the union speech is a bit frightening, and I can see why you and your husband would have second thoughts about returning to Russia.

Seeing a therapist of "life coach" is a wise choice.  It is not cheesy at all.  You are too smart to trap yourself forever in the "mother" narrative because that is all it is, a "narrative".  It is unfair that there is no corresponding "father" narrative.  But that is another topic, isn't it!

Good luck in all aspects of your life.  Please do keep us informed, at your convenience, not only on your emotional wellbeing but also on your physical health.  They are connected in oh so many ways, as you have seen.

[PrimeTimer]

For medical reasons I chose not to ever have children. No matter how small the risk, I did not want to take the chance of passing on pain and illness to an innocent child. I have never regretted my decision. Whenever I see a child being mistreated or neglected I get angry and then that is when I feel sad because I believe I would have been a good mother. I hate seeing people with children abuse or neglect them. They seem to not know how fortunate they are to have children. But no, I don't feel depressed for not having of my own. I guess I've gotten the little pangs when thinking about it but overall, it hasn't bothered me. Right now we'd love to have a little dog but even a dog is a big commitment. We want to make sure that we are healthy enough to care for one and can afford one and right now the answer is no. Kind of sad about that but glad we are doing what we believe is the right thing to do/not do.

Try to focus on your health, your new transplant and goals. These do not need to include what you think they might...



self edited to correct grammar (of to for)

[UkrainianTracksuit]

MooseMom, I don’t get anxiety over the news or things “detached” from me, but omg, talk of all these transitional changes and all this stuff does make me queasy.

PrimeTimer, thanks for offering your insight. The one thing I take away from your posts (well, more than one thing..) is that you and your husband are an extremely caring - and responsible- couple. And I mean “couple” in the truest form in that you guys are a team.

I agree completely with you in regard to seeing neglected/abused children. It also breaks my heart to see those in unstable financial situations because I know we could have provided a lot for a kid. Not spoiled, but emphasis on school etc.

Further, I agree with you in regard to pets. They are wonderful, but also a responsibility and cost. You guys are so logical. What’s really apparent is that what’s good for Couple 1 and 2 might not be great for Couple 5. It’s up to those to communicate and work it out.

As for goals, definitely this reexamination of life should reveal some new ones.

[MooseMom]

PrimeTimer always has useful insights!

[enginist]

No offense to all the kids out there, but dogs can fill an emotional gap as well as a baby.  There's something about the canine soul that brings out the best in all of us.  Plus, a dog won't grow up and start to resent you.

The cost of owning a dog can range from $100 per month to much higher than that, depending on its size and health.  Regardless, your expenditure would be far less than it would be for raising a child.

I can see the incentive to adopt a dog from the old country, but a dog doesn't know where it's from.  It doesn't bark with a familiar accent or have a preference for certain kinds of foods.  I'm sure you could get a Canadian dog that has genetic roots in your native land.  Then the link would still be there, minus the complex process of importation.   

Yes, they die far too soon, and the loss can be devastating.  But the best way to get over it is to get another dog. 

 

[MooseMom]

Whaaaaaat???  Dogs don't have accents?  Why am I just learning about this now?   

[Paul]

No offense to all the kids out there, but dogs can fill an emotional gap as well as a baby.

Dogs are BETTER than babies. I'd rather have a dog than a human kid.

Whaaaaaat???  Dogs don't have accents?

Dogs DO have accents. From the department of "scientists wasting state funding on stupid research" we know that dogs develop local accents. And not just from country to country, but from different parts of the same country, in the same way as humans.

[Paul]

I'm also told, by people who like the things, that a cat is also a good alternative. I cannot see it myself, selfish, self centred animals, but I suppose that if your favourite stage of a child's growth is a moody selfish teenager, then I guess a cat is for you.

[enginist]

An even better alternative is the Maine Coon cat, said to be the most dog-like of felines.  Playful and affectionate, they'll follow you around the house but won't demand attention.  However, if you're in the mood, they'll gladly accept a tummy rub.  The only drawback is the cost.  Plan on spending about $1000.

[UkrainianTracksuit]

We are leaning towards a big bird with a trust fund. If they live 50+ years (like the breeders say), it will outlive us. That way, we’d have a screaming child that will learn how to swear, throw its food, demand everything be done its way, reach sexual maturity (and be frustrated), dance, need toys, showers, home cooking and need its own room. Probably abuse us in our old age too. All of the things I see raising a child is about without the child. We’ll probably be disowned from our families for going off the deep end (animals don’t equal kids to them), but I’m okay with it.

I’ve been cleared by the tx team for birds awhile ago. Still want a dog too. This must be what they call family planning!

[enginist]

I once acquired a bird that I thought would sing for me like an animated radio.  What I got was a moody, demanding creature that behaved like a caged teenager, exactly like you're describing but without the trust fund.

[Simon Dog]

If you get a dog, consider naming it Henle.  It is appropriate.

[Michael Murphy]

Just remember the late great Bill Peckham took a trip on a raft down the Grand Canyon.  He took a next stage and some where on this site is a picture of him sitting in a raft with the Grand Canyon in the background.  What Bill showed us that with planning you can do just about anything.

[Simon Dog]

I remember when Mr. Bill was looking for a raveling partner on an Artic or Antartic cruise so there would be a backup NxStage on the boat for both patients.

[Michael Murphy]

Yes he was a hell of a special person.