Euthanasia

[Athena]

Dear Katherine
I was very touched by your post. Thank you so much for your positive feedback. I was beginning to think that my existential angst rants might be becoming a bit jarring to fellow sufferers. I'm glad to hear that they are having the opposite effect on some people who are in an identical position to myself 

We certainly are in troubled times and it there is no prospect of our problems just vanishing. What each one of us has to do is to work out a Survival Plan. And keep our expectations about what to expect in life & from others within realistic boundaries. One of the hardest things that I've encountered so far is how easy it is for our disease to distance ourselves from family and friends. No one really can understand how it's to walk in the shoes of a kidney disease sufferer, no matter how much they try (and not many people can try too hard as everyone has enough of their own problems to deal with). Being homeless puts anyone in a very difficult and vulnerable position. I am glad to hear that you have a sister to rely on as well as a friend but please be careful in how you manage your relationships with them as legally no one is obliged to give you a roof over your head. Keep yourself light, friendly and personally 'user-friendly' with others as much as possible. No one wants to deal with a nervous wreck or a "negative" person. Everyone is too hooked on enjoying their lives as much as possible in a rather narcissistic self-absorbed way to care too much about anyone who could be dying.

You can observe this phenomenon with our good old renal physicians. Observe how burdened they are about seeing a patient moving steadily towards ESRD and let that be your guide about humanity in general. 

I've even written to Neph 1 in the past to inform him that I don't just want a "rising serum creatinine cheerleader" for a doctor!  Just when I thought he might finally fire me, he called me to tell him off in a very emphatic way and insisted that I receive excellent treatment from him. That was fun, I have to say. And I have received so much more from him after this incident than if I had kept myself demurely quiet and politely humble.

Try to get as much out of your doctors as possible, as depressing as it may feel, is my message. I don't believe these guys do enough for us and they probably know it. So I think we have room to kick butt, if you know what I mean. Fighting for our health can feel very empowering as well and it's certainly what any kidney patient needs to feel more of. Ask questions, demand answers on how to feel better. Good luck and let us know how you go.

[Katherine]

"Demurely quiet and politely humble". That so nailed the emotions that have been circulating lately. About everything. Medical visits. Inquiries to my attorney. Requests for help from family. It's not a posture I can adopt for long. My sister has now pulled the rug out from under me twice regarding hanging at her place. Thanks for the reminder that no one is obligated. I ask myself what I'd do in her shoes...inviting an unemployed and sick person into my home without any guarantee of compensation. I certainly get her reluctance. Her ambivalence, however, is messing with my already messed up head. I need to thank her and move on. Taking a generous stranger up on their offer is frightening, too. How will I ever begin to repay her? How can I spare her my intense emotions and remain grateful, appreciative, useful? I'm scared. Afraid I'll be literally on the street. Out of gas. Food. In danger. These aren't abstract floaters...but concrete possibilities. How can I possibly foist myself upon such a soul, when I'll be nothing but a drain due to my illness and the emotions I have regarding declining health. I'm hoping to get a hardship scholarship to a nearby club in order to shower and have a place to go to give her space regularly. I need to get on some shelter waiting lists. You're right about nobody wanting another's negativity to drag them down. And we're all doing the best we know how to do. I've always supported myself, and have lived alone for 10 years. It's easy to look at my probable future and my current need...and just give in and give up. But I'm not quite there yet. Things are actually just getting interesting. I'll ride this life out as long as I can.

I'm encouraged by your self-advocacy. I'm not at all encouraged by the nephrologist I see. My options with welfare healthcare are limited, but I'm guessing it will allow for a second opinion. It must be difficult for any kind of healer to watch a patient succumb to the harsh realities of this disease.

For now housing and attitude is my focus. Being kind to myself, getting some exercise, eating fresh and getting a second opinion are right up there, too. Making it through the day may be my mission here for awhile. I don't need to make life or death decisions today.

Thanks, Athena, for responding and hearing me. Reminding me to tone it down as I accept the kindnesses offered.

[Katherine]

...another thought.

Your sentiments regarding euthanasia have surfaced not long after your break-up. These thoughts are popping up for me as I face rejection and homelessness. I'm going to put a 'hold' on any thoughts of euthanasia - or suicide - for awhile. Trust that I'll find my bearings again soon.  Remain open to the possibility that I may find love and meaning, regardless of my health and care needs.

I'm recommitting - to myself - to give it my best shot. On a daily basis. I deserve that.

[PrimeTimer]

I appreciate everyone's openness on the topic. I don't have kidney disease (fibromyalgia with polymyositis in remission with a 99% chance of developing Lupus someday.) Triple whammy they say. Been more than 15 years since I was told all that...and as the stress in my life grows, so does my pain. I have teeth-clenching days. Jaw clenching pain. Don't know what is worse; fatigue or pain. And I am my husband's carepartner for home hemo dialysis. I've known pain for many years and now this...my husband's home hemo. I think of "euthanasia", something quick and painless but then worry that it would be a selfish act, who would take care of my husband and what about God? Will I end up in Hell? Am I already in Hell? Pain, pain, pain...you get tired of it and the feeling of being alone with it creates another sort of aching all it's own, doesn't it? But I read Athena'a and Katherine's posts, breaks my heart but at the same time inspires myself to try a little harder...just a little more each day. Makes me think about us all finding a big house to live in to help each other out, the house of dialysis and we look out after each other and encourage one another to grow stronger and that we will not be abandoned. Well...in hearts and minds...little pink houses for me and you...   Ooh, I hope the two of you keep writing on this...please!

[Athena]

For now housing and attitude is my focus. Being kind to myself, getting some exercise, eating fresh and getting a second opinion are right up there, too. Making it through the day may be my mission here for awhile. I don't need to make life or death decisions today.

Thanks, Athena, for responding and hearing me. Reminding me to tone it down as I accept the kindnesses offered.

Katherine, you sound like you're getting your bearings very nicely in place. We can only handle one or two major problems at any single time and right now you really need to focus on your housing situation and also on your inner state of mind & health. That's more than enough for anyone. Please understand, this topic of euthanasia was always a topic about the possible future, "when the time is right" kind of thing, certainly not an urgent pressing problem that needs to be addressed by anyone who is very much alive and functioning. As I said at the outset, the idea that I can avoid a horrible ending only fills me with more hope and resolve to live my life more fully now, in spite of the mounting problems that I seem to be enduring. When we sense that our time may be coming to an end (which btw, everyone on this earth senses sooner or later), the need to enjoy all that life has to offer becomes an urgent priority. This does involve dealing with the blows as well as the good things unfortunately.

And yes, you are right. The personal relationship that has recently ended (& ended quite badly with considerable deception and manipulation on his part) has made everything seem very bleak indeed. And it has coincided with these constant night sweats I am now having. But I'll get over it, with time. My friends and family did warn me about him, I might add. But I chose to ignore them, thinking it will all work out somehow. The lesson to be learned here is that, when we are most vulnerable and lonely, that is the best time to be managing on one's own. We can easily fall prey to manipulative predators if we're not careful. I've learned my lesson.

Right now, it is my belief that the most precious thing we possess is our strength, fighting spirit and inner joie de vivre! Perhaps we need to accept death in order to live life more fully, is my final thought this evening? I heard this somewhere before.

Keep on it Katherine and if it ever gets too much, check in here and communicate with others who are also walking in your shoes.

[Simon Dog]

Athena suffers from the same terminal disease as anyone else - life.   The healthier you are, the less likely you are to know how you are going to go (few are lucky enough to be shot in bed by a jealous husband at age 90), or if you will be the one wanting the "final option".

I've have to organ donor doohickie in my drivers license for decades and never dreamed I would apply to make a withdrawl from the organ bank.   Funny the way things work out some times.

And, there is no excuse for using the c-word on these forums.  None.