Bob's Blog 1-3-15: Random Ramblings

Bob Here.

In celebration of the new year, I've set out to be more organized with my thoughts.

But, I'll probably start that after this blog is done.

So, apropos of absolutely Nut 'n Honey, here are some random ramblings, some about dialysis, some not, which I hope you'll find intellectually stimulating.

Or, at least not the ravings of a crazy man. Here goes...

In remodeling my home, I've added the picture of a squid on the outside wall facing the main road, designed our new downstairs bathroom with a nautical theme, and ordered return address labels with the picture of a lobster. All this makes me wonder if living this close to the ocean has gone to my brain.

Doing home dialysis with the ocean in the background has probably dropped my blood pressure by about 20 points.

I don't remember the last time I actually wrote a letter. You know...on paper?

A while back, I was thinking how living on the beach leads to a simpler lifestyle with less materialistic needs.

Then I went out and bought a curved, 65 inch Ultra HD TV for my media room. The picture is amazing.

I'll stop being materialistic next year...er...this year.

Since moving to home hemodialysis, I have developed a new understanding of how many shortcuts and corner-cutting steps are taken in-center. I now refer to in-center treatments as "Production-Line Dialysis."

Three things that can bring about premature aging are an unhealthy diet, stress, and being a New York Giants fan.

Three jobs that I could never do are: Being a professional sky-diver; Being a window washer in New York City; and Serving on a Navy submarine, where you go out to sea for six months at a time.

The latter has been performed for the last 14 years by one Petty Officer Craig Northam. Love and admire you son.

When did TV sitcoms get so obscene?

Don't get me wrong, with my salty tongue, it takes a lot to bother me, but somehow the producers of these shows have figured a way to do it.

Remodeling our home has made me aware of two related rules of thumb: If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape. And, if it doesn't move and it should, use WD 40.

I think the redneck police will be after me for that one.

HIPAA, SCHMIPPA. When you do in-center hemodialysis, you have absolutely no secrets from your neighbors. Your own family should know as much about you as the people sitting nearby after a doctor makes his/her rounds.

Sorry y'all, I know there are some cute babies out there, but my two grandchildren are by far the best looking.

How come all the Nazis on Hogan's Heroes speak English? Soldiers, officers, prison guards. Everyone. Weird.

Do you think if there was a German version that all the American prison guards would speak German?

No matter what the stakes or what teams are involved I just can't make myself care about soccer.

Or, for that matter, the NBA.

The other day, I called the phone line of a service provider and actually got someone who spoke English. I was so thrilled, I asked for her personal extension in case I had any issues in the future, and even offered to send her a fruitcake every Christmas. Then I thought I'd better back off before she had me arrested for cyber-stalking.

Had an interesting conversation at the grocery store the other day. (Cause, you know, that's what we retirees do. We go to the grocery store.) The in-store music was playing something from Wings, and of course I was singing along going down the aisle. The kid stocking the shelves looked at me like I was nuts. I just said, "Hey, that Paul McCartney is rad dude." He said, "Who? And, if you don't mind, what does rad mean?" Think there was a generation (or two) gap involved in that interaction?

More grandchild bragging. My 4-year old grandson is one of the bravest boys you'll ever meet. He has Type-1 Diabetes, but you'd never know it being around him. He's just as active as any boy his age, perhaps more than most. And kuddos to our daughter and son-in-law for taking such great care of him.

Can't we all just get along??

Lots of things can go wrong when you're doing home hemo. Clamps on one of you lines can malfunction, you can accidentally puncture the saline bag resulting in a flood, you can get a weird alarm that causes you to have to call the manufacturer, there can be air in your lines that stop the treatment in its tracks. All of those things happened to me recently, which wouldn't have been so bad except they all happened in the same treatment.

Here are the definitive answer to a couple of issues currently plaguing mankind: The best overall sport is baseball. The best sport to watch live is hockey. The best sport to watch on TV is football. Got it?

Although some football broadcasts feel like 10 minutes of football and three hours and fifty minutes of commercials.

Gone Girl? The book was much better. Interstellar? Do yourself a favor and read A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking before you see the movie.

Before we stop talking movies, Sandra Bullock would have made a kick-ass Stephanie Plum.

I used a variety of techniques to avoid talking to the social worker when I was in-center, but my favorite was pretending to be asleep. One time, the lady in my center got frustrated with me being asleep every time she came to see me and tried to gently jostle me awake. "Bob?" she said, shaking my shoulder. I mumbled something like, "No more sex tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow," and turned over, continuing my fake nap. Funny, she never tried to wake me up again.

Oh, and the best TV show is...wait...we don't watch any TV shows. How about Sportscenter? Does that count?

Having to stay hungry before treatments to avoid an upset stomach, then starving yourself for four hours while you're on is the reason the Good Lord gave us potato chips.

Oh, and you can enjoy all the fancy foods you want, but I still maintain: McDonald's fries rule.

My Giants, Islanders, Mets, and Knicks have all won multiple championships in my lifetime. Can't complain too much now, can I?

Dialysis patients think a lot about peeing. It's true. We can't do it a lot, so we think about it a lot. Here's my favorite peeing joke: A nun comes running into the priest's office in a Catholic school. "Father," she says. "I was walking down the hall when I saw three boys seeing how high they could pee on the bathroom wall." "Really," said the priest. "What did you do?" The nun says, "I hit the ceiling!" Love that one.

I haven't lost my car once since I quit drinking.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make DVD packaging that's easy to open?

Home hemo machines have so many different alarms that the possible responses range from hitting "Reset", to calling in the Marines.

I've been focused on my running lately and haven't played much tennis. Which is a shame in a way. My tennis game had progressed from really awful to just plain bad.

Whenever I see someone walking down the street typing into their phone, I get an unbearable urge to stick my foot out and send them hurtling.

Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian can almost make you lose faith in humanity.

I've been athletic my whole life, but when I dance, I look like a complete idiot.

The seagull should be the state bird of New Hampshire. Yes, they're scavengers capable of opening a bag of pretzels that you brought to the beach all by themselves. But how does the Purple Finch make sense?

We would like to learn to line dance to country music, but the wife is afraid of causing injuries to others.

Working corporate finance is not a job for thrill-seekers. Our idea of a big whoop was getting our books closed on time so the SEC didn't throw us in the slam.

Oh, and when you're in a big company and you find two numbers that match independently, the prevailing theory is that there must be fraud involved.

e-cigarettes huh? What genius thought of that one?

Being on dialysis can open your mind to a whole new way of thinking. Like, when you have to stick two 1", 15-gauge needles into your own arm five times per week, it probably helps to have a bit of a self-destructive streak about you.

The best book I read in the past year was "Unbroken." Followed by "Killing Patton."

I'm a big sports fan, but the money that pro athletes get paid is an obscenity.

Dialysis isn't like getting your blood sucked by a vampire. No, not at all. You see, in dialysis all the blood is drained out of your body through two little holes caused by sharp objects, and...wait a minute. Okay, maybe dialysis is like getting your blood sucked by a vampire.

Watching political attack ads should be banned as cruel and unusual punishment.

My word processor software crapped out on me. What a way to start a New Year, huh?

Speaking of New Years, I hope you all have a Happy one!

Thanks for reading. Take care.