That's Gross

Sometimes a perfectly normal everyday occurrence can make the light bulb go on about one of life's little realities.

One time, I dropped a little piece of my lunch on the floor, picked it up and just put it back on my plate.

I looked up and my wife was just staring at me.

"Aren't you at least going to clean that off?" she asked.

I thought for a moment. Then I said, "Nah." And popped it in my mouth.

It tasted okay to me, but she just shook her head.

"That's gross," she said.

That little incident go me to thinking.

Among the wide and varied differences between men and women is our definition of what we find rude, crude, disgusting, inedible, and...well, in general...just plain gross.

This thought had come to me early on, but just recently crystallized in my brain.

I remember I took a date to the movie 'Animal House' when it first came out, the scene where John Belushi says, "I'm a zit. Get it??" sent me into hysterics. I was literally doubled over. Then I realized something was wrong. I looked up and my date wasn't laughing at all. She was just looking at me like I had just thrown up on her shoes.

I'll never forget what she said next.

"That's not funny. That's just gross."

I'm pretty sure that was the last date we ever went on.

Later in life, my wife was helping me pack to go on a business trip. I opened my underwear draw and realized that I only had a couple of pair that were clean.

"Uh oh," she said, "I'll have to throw some laundry in."

"No," I said, "don't worry about it, I have plenty here.

Again, the incredulous look.

"For a finance guy, you don't count very well," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"You're going for six days and you have three pairs of underwear."

"Perfect," I said.

"What do you mean perfect?"

I thought it was really simple.

"Three pairs, flipped inside-out, six days. Voila!"

She just looked at me like I was the lowest form of life.

"That's gross," she said.

Of course, I've made it something of a hobby over the years to observe the differences between men and women dialysis patients.

The definitional issue of what's gross and what's completely acceptable is alive and well in the dialysis community as well.

When I first started on the Big D, I sat next to a female patient on occasion and we would pass the normal amount of small talk while we were being treated.

One time, I was about a half hour from my session being over and I had a bit of a seepage issue.

For non-patients, sometimes you get a little bleeding around the needle. It's generally not a big concern as long as the blood flow isn't enough to carry your chair out into the hallway.

"Bob! You're bleeding!!" said my neighbor.

I looked down and my seepage was enough to soak the pad underneath my arm.

"Oh, it's okay. I'm almost done," I said.

Her look was a combination of amazement and disgust.

"You mean, you're just going to leave it like that??" she asked.

"Yeah, the attendants are all pretty busy, and I'll fix it up after the treatment is over," I said, then went back to reading my book.

She muttered her response, but I could still hear it pretty clearly.

"That's gross," she said.

I just had to laugh.

It just goes to show, gross is in the eye of the beholder.